The Dysfunctional Honeymoon

by Hadena James

  “Oh my god, it was a head shot!” Alex suddenly started fighting to get away from the body. I looked and agreed with her. I would rather be dead than under him any longer. We both began the agonizing scooting across the balcony ruins again.

  “Stop that,” Anthony hissed at us.

  “It’s unsanitary!” Alex hissed back. “His blood might get in our wounds and we would get blood poisoning as a result. Someone blew his damn head off.”

  “What if his blood gets in my shoes and causes jungle rot?” I shouted at Anthony. Anthony took a second to look at me. Maybe jungle rot wasn’t communicable.

  “Or you could have jungle rot already and it would make it worse,” Alex seconded. I honestly believe Anthony was trying not to laugh at us. I decided ignoring him was the best course of action. He was too far away to actually help anyway, I turned my attention back to Alex.

  “We can’t drag the railing with us,” I told Alex after a couple more seconds. “I’m going to snap off the post where it meets the railing.”

  “I’m going to bleed to death,” she moaned.

  “Either we risk that or we risk getting shot in the head.”

  “Snap it off.”

  It took all my strength and some serious body maneuvering on both our parts to detach the post from the railing. Once free of the cumbersome wood construction, Alex moved more freely. Her foot was obviously broken, but she didn’t seem to notice. She didn’t try to stand, just grabbed me with her good hand and continued to scoot across the ground. I used my good leg to help her. With effort we made it behind a car. She leaned against the tire, panting and exhausted.

  I was with her. My breathing was ragged and my body exhausted. I tried to mimic her position, but found it painful.

  “What do we do?” I asked her as we hid behind the car.

  “Do you have a gun?”

  “No.”

  “Then we do nothing, hope our guys win and come to the rescue when they are finished.”

  A bullet ricocheted off the car hood. We scooted further down on the body.

  “That sounds like a crappy plan.”

  “You can’t walk. I can’t walk. My foot feels like it is made of Jell-O, I don’t even want to glance at it. I have a post sticking out of my arm, your shoulder is way out of socket now. We both need doctors, not bullets.”

  “Yeah, your foot’s pretty bad. I’d say it was crushed,” I commented.

  This was taking a lot longer than expected. In the movies, the good guys ambush the bad guys and in minutes, it is all over. I would bet we had spent at least ten minutes trying to get out of the line of fire. Now we were curled up behind the car, having a nice little chat, while gunfire erupted in short bursts around us. Every so often, you would hear a softer noise, I knew it was a sniper rifle and I was positive Zeke was behind the scope.

  A couple more bullets hit the car. This time, I heard them tear through the metal. I looked at Alex.

  “Should we be taking refuge behind a car? What if they blow it up?” I asked.

  “Then we die, I’m too tired to move anymore,” she replied.

  “I really don’t want to get blown up,” I looked around. There was a garage a little ways from us. It seemed like the better place to take shelter. I grabbed her arm and we began scooting our way to the garage. Sebastian showed up, offering cover fire from behind the car. I gave him a thumbs up as we got closer to the garage.

  “I’m done,” Alex lay down on the concrete floor. “Holy shit!”

  I followed her gaze. Above us was a jaguar. I looked around and found a cage that had been forced open.

  “No sudden moves,” I whispered.

  The jaguar was hanging around on the rafters. He looked at us and yawned. I guessed we weren’t that interesting. He put his big cat head back down on his paws and closed his eyes. Since he wasn’t afraid of us, he must have been some sort of pet instead of a wild jaguar. A wild jaguar would not be happy with us invading his space.

  “What do we do?” Alex whispered.

  “We lay here and look as unthreatening as possible.”

  “I’m bleeding.”

  “You must not smell like lunch, he hasn’t pounced.”

  “How do you know it’s male?”

  “I don’t.”

  “Then why call it a ‘he’?”

  “Does it matter? There’s an apex predator above our heads and you want to argue about gender pronouns?”

  “Sorry,” Alex gave me a sheepish smile. “Should we try to exit?”

  “With the way we move?”

  “Well I think eventually, it’s going to smell the blood and come down to investigate.”

  “I am at a loss.”

  “You have experience in this.”

  “Yeah, I got mauled, remember?” I hissed at her. The jaguar opened its eyes again. This time it started to move.

  Like most big cats, jaguars don’t walk or lumber or just move, they stalk or skulk. Every movement seems to be a reflection on their status as an apex predator. Our jaguar was no different. He moved from rafter to rafter with ease and grace. He reached the edge and leapt down, landing with a very soft thud on the concrete floor. This would have jarred my bones and I would have had to take a minute to recover. The jaguar did not. He turned large almost glowing eyes on us that I was sure was an illusion because of my terror of big cats.

  He stalked around us, sniffing the air. He never growled or hissed or gave any sign of attack. He seemed to be inspecting us.

  “I think I’d rather deal with drug lords,” Alex whispered. I carefully and slowly nodded in agreement. The jaguar bared his teeth at us.

  “That is a bad sign,” I whispered.

  “No shit,” Alex whispered back. I slipped my good hand into my pocket. It was empty except the pearls that didn’t go around the neck.

  “Did you find a slingshot?”

  “What?”

  I showed her the pearls I was slowly pulling from my pocket.

  “I don’t think those are going to help,” she hissed at me.

  “Me either.”

  The jaguar let out something that might have been a scream and might have been a growl. He stalked closer, just within arm’s reach. He pounced taking both of us to the floor. Alex let out a cry. I shoved the pearls into the jaguar’s mouth. It gagged and backed off.

  The jaguar did the cat equivalent of the Heimlich Maneuver. The pearls ended up on the floor, but he kept further away from us. We waited. He stalked out the door.

  “Fuck me, those really are lucky!” Alex shouted.

  “I think I’m going to pass out.”

  “Pain?”

  “Terror. I just stuck my hand in a jaguar’s mouth.” I looked at my hand. There were a few scrapes from where my fingers had hit the teeth, but it was otherwise, unscathed. I was shaking all over when Sebastian came through the door.

  “Did I just see a jaguar leave?”

  “Yes, Nadine choked him with her pearls, saving us from being lunch,” Alex was giddy.

  “Are you both alright?”

  “No, no I am not,” I laid down on the concrete and felt the coolness seep into me. There was a moment when I thought I would be fine.

  “We’ve called the police and an ambulance. You girls will get treated by the finest doctors in Belize.”

  “That’s good, ‘cause I think my foot may need to amputated.”

  “Probably jungle rot. If you guys are good, I’m going to pass out now,” I closed my eyes and let the darkness suck me in.

  Friday

  I was in a hospital bed. My hip and shoulder were both back in socket. However, more damage had been done to the hip than shoulder. I was supposed to see a specialist when we returned to the States and have surgery done on it. They couldn’t do it with all the inflammation right now. My head had been x-rayed and my eyes checked. I had been right, I did have a concussion. Alex lay in the bed next to me. Her arm was wrapped in bandages. Her foot was in a cast and it was being held in
traction. She also had a concussion.

  Giggle fits were abundant though, we were both on pain killer drips. This meant when we weren’t sleeping, we were giggling or crying. Aside from the two of us, the room was blissfully quiet. There was a police officer outside the door, turning away the press with cameras that might try to sneak in. Only the guys had permission to enter. Turns out these sorts of things do not happen in Belize very often. They are very fond of their tourists.

  “So, explain the lizard thing?” Alex giggled.

  “There’s nothing to explain. The night we spent in the jungle, Zeke caught and cooked a lizard. I had to eat it. It seemed better than the alternatives. Ironically, I was terrified that night that we could be killed by a jaguar. And yet it wasn’t until I was safe and sound in a building that I encountered one.”

  “Your mind just kept clinging to the lizard image then?”

  “Probably. Let’s face it, if the worst thing to happen to me on this trip was eating a lizard, it would have been a great trip. Since that wasn’t the case, I think I was clinging to a best case scenario.”

  “By the way, you were right, the jaguar was male. I noticed its parts when it gracefully leapt from the rafters.”

  “I don’t need to know that.”

  “Sure you do. I’ve never seen a big cat up close and personal like that. It was amazing and terrifying.”

  “Yes, it is. There is something about them that mesmerizes you while you quake in your boots. If we had been standing, my knees probably would have given out when he jumped down like that.”

  “Why didn’t he just attack from the ceiling?”

  “I don’t know, I’m not a jaguar expert. That is the first I’ve seen outside of a zoo.”

  “You were mauled by a tiger.”

  “True, but tigers are not jaguars and there weren’t any at the sanctuary where I worked when I had my unfortunate encounter with the tiger.”

  “How long do we have to stay?”

  “In the hospital? A week, maybe a week and a few days. Between your busted foot and my busted hip, we are a mess.”

  “You realize we won’t be able to fly back to the US?”

  “Yep and I believe the guys are looking forward to the road trip.”

  “How long will it take us to drive back?”

  “Beats me, but I can’t imagine we will enjoy being stuck with them in the car for that long. And I don’t know how many countries we have to pass through to get there.”

  “Hello ladies,” Zeke said, pushing open the door. Anthony and Sebastian were behind him. They all carried flowers and balloons.

  “Hello,” Alex chirped at them.

  “How are you feeling?” Anthony set the flowers down between us. The balloons floated to the ceiling and hung around.

  “Like I crashed to the ground on a balcony and was then attacked by a jaguar,” I answered.

  “Speaking of that,” Zeke pulled the pearls out of his pocket. “They’ve survived the trip so far. Ingenious but stupid plan shoving the pearls into the jaguar’s mouth.”

  “It wasn’t a plan, just a reaction. He pounced us,” I answered looking at the pearls like they were snakes.

  “We’ve cleaned them with hot soapy water and bleach,” Sebastian assured me.

  “Put them on the nightstand or something,” I told Zeke.

  “Nope, I think they are charmed, you are carrying them with you, everywhere,” he shoved them into the pocket of my hospital gown.

  “Thanks,” I groaned.

  “How did you guys know we were there?” Alex asked.

  “And how did Anthony become entrenched with them?” I added.

  “Do you want the long version or the short?” Anthony asked.

  “We have time,” Alex and I started giggling after we said it in unison.

  “Great,” Anthony sat down. “When we got Zeke’s call, I got into contact with some buddies. They knew the guy was looking for a good assassin, I played the part. Zeke decided to check in with you before you got to the airport to tell you to check in when you got to your lay-over destination, but some guy who spoke Spanish answered the call. I started poking around and found you at the drug lord’s compound. We were planning a rescue, but when we saw you crawl from the bathroom window. From there, we had to improvise.”

  “That seemed like the short version,” I said.

  “Nope, that’s the long one. The short one would be, Zeke called, someone else answered. I was playing the role of an assassin hired to kill Zeke. We found the compound and the rest is history.”

  “That is much shorter,” Alex commented.

  “Why did they need an assassin?” I asked.

  “Did you see how well their sniper did?” Zeke smiled at me. “He had six guys total, none of them trained very well. Mostly they were just supposed to be menacing looking. Even the bomb wasn’t that great or it would have had a bigger impact. If you notice, most of the damage was done from the taxi exploding, not from the bomb. There was no shrapnel or anything. It was just stuck to the gas tank. You can look up idiot-proof bomb plans on the internet, but I wouldn’t recommend it. You’ll end up on a watch-list.”

  “How are we getting home?” I asked.

  “I’ve made arrangements for an RV. You girls can ride home in comfort in the back,” Zeke said.

  “Can you drive an RV?” I frowned at him.

  “Baby, I can drive a tank,” he replied.

  “Good shot by the way, but next time, could you make sure the dead guy whose head is mostly missing doesn’t land on us?” Alex asked.

  “No guarantees,” Zeke shrugged, “but at least he didn’t kill either of you.”

  “There is that,” I told Alex.

  “By the way, our mothers know about this little episode. Someone called them and told them, they are both coming to stay until you are back on your feet,” Zeke told me.

  “How long will it take us to get home?”

  “About a week or so,” Anthony answered.

  “Anyway to take the long way?” I continued.

  “That is the long way. The short way is flying,” Anthony grinned. “But you’ll be in here another week, so that gives you at least two weeks before you have to deal with them.”

  “But it will be three months or so before you are all healed up,” Sebastian said. “The doctor here said that you should get surgery pretty quickly once you are back in the US. The inflammation will be gone by then and you need to get the ligaments fixed so that your hip doesn’t keep slipping out of socket.”

  “I don’t have any clothes or my passport or any identification,” I suddenly remembered my bag left in the rental car parking lot.

  “We managed to retrieve the bags and Alex’s purse. They took them to the house with you guys. And we are going to go shopping for everyone because none of us have enough clothes for the trip home. We packed overnight bags, not two weeks’ worth of luggage,” Anthony told us.

  “Nothing too skimpy or racy, I see no need to show off any new scars,” I told him.

  “Yes dear,” Anthony gave me a wide grin.

  “Go away, I’m tired,” I told them.

  “Me too,” Alex yawned.

  “Lunch will be here soon, we’ll leave after that,” Zeke answered.

  “Great, it isn’t lizard, is it? The lizard made me bloat, that’s why I got stuck in the window.”

  “Thinking with your stomach again?” Alex laughed at me.

  “Maybe this time,” I smiled at her.

  It wasn’t long before lunch arrived. We ate and chatted. Then the men got up and left.

  “What’s in your drip?” I asked Alex after everyone had gone.

  “Demerol, I think.”

  “Pity, mine too.”

  “Why?”

  “If you had something better, I was going to suggest we switch for a while.”

  “Hurt that bad?”

  “Nope, just bored. Considering the amount of time it would take us to switch IV drips and
how tiring it would be, by the time we got done, I’d be asleep and no longer bored.”

  “Yeah, they could have brought us books or something.”

  “My ereader got cooked in the car bomb.”

  “I didn’t bring mine, I didn’t think we’d be in here that long.”

  “I’ll have to buy a new one.”

  “Call Zeke, tell him to bring us books.”

  “Call Sebastian and tell him to bring us books.”

  “Sebastian doesn’t read.”

  “Do you love him?”

  “I think so.”

  “Oh yeah, you are so getting married.”

  “Not in this lifetime.”

  “You may not have a say in the matter.” I thought about Alex’s mom. My aunt Alyssa could be just as determined as my mom. Melina and Alyssa together were a force from hell. Oh, let the plotting begin.

  Epilogue

  I had to give the guys credit. The RV was definitely the way to travel. Alex was propped up in a recliner, her foot secured on the footrest with a pillow and a strap. I was reclined on a couch, with a mountain of pillows behind my back to keep me at just the right angle. We’d been released from the hospital after nine days. We had started the journey home yesterday and were now in Mexico.

  The scenery whizzed past the windows. We entered a city, but I missed the city sign announcing the name. The RV slowed down and turned into a small cantina. Since Alex and I were mobility challenged, this place seemed impractical.

  “We’ll go in and get food, Anthony is going to help you get out of the RV for a few minutes. Do you need to use the restroom or anything?” Zeke asked.

  “Nope, I’m good,” I said, adjusting to prepare for Anthony’s hoisting me off the couch. I could use the leg, but only with some pain.

  Anthony pulled me off the couch, got me standing and helped me down the set of steps as two of the guys went inside. I walked around a little while, gently putting weight on my bad leg. While I meandered, Anthony retrieved Alex and brought her outside.

  Alex had crutches. I had a cane. The ground was dirt with chunks of gravel put down.