On a subtler level, the second matrix can also involve memories of severe psychological frustrations, particularly abandonment, rejection, deprivation, emotionally threatening events, and confining or oppressive situations in the nuclear family and later in life. Thus being in the role of victim in the family of origin, in the classroom, in intimate relationships, in the workplace, and in society at large will reinforce and perpetuate the memory of the no exit stage of birth and make it more psychologically relevant and available for conscious experience. BPM II is also related to a variety of unpleasant sensations and tensions in the areas of the body that Freud called erogenous, or pleasure-producing, zones. On the oral level, these sensations may be thirst and/or hunger; in the anal area, uncomfortable sensations in the colon and rectum associated with constipation, colitis, or hemorrhoids; in the genito-urinary tract, sexual frustration or pain associated with infections or surgical interventions, as well as painful retention of urine.
Passage from Hell to Purgatory
Each uterine contraction in this stage of the birth experience pulls the cervix over the head of the infant and dilates the cervical opening. When the cervix is finally open and the head descends into the pelvis, there is a great change not only in the biological but also the psychological experience of the delivery. The no exit situation of BPM II changes into a slow passage through the birth canal, characterizing BPM III. In the next chapter we will explore the rich and colorful world of BPM III and its implications for our lives individually as well as collectively.
4. THE DEATH-REBIRTH STRUGGLE—BPM III
"Are you willing to be sponged out, erased, canceled,
made nothing?
Are you willing to be made nothing?
dipped into oblivion?
If not, you will never really change."
—D. H. Lawrence, Phoenix
Although he never really clearly saw the birth canal, he felt its crushing pressure on his head and all over, and he knew with every cell of his body that he was involved in a birth process. The tension was reaching dimensions that he had not imagined were humanly possible. He felt an unrelenting pressure on his forehead, temples, and occiput, as if he were caught in the steel jaws of a vise. The tensions in his body also had a brutally mechanical quality; he imagined himself passing through a monstrous meat grinder or a giant press full of cogs and cylinders. The image of Charlie Chaplin victimized by the world of technology in Modern Times briefly flashed through his mind. Incredible amounts of energy seemed to be flowing through his entire body, condensing and releasing in explosive discharges.
He felt an amazing mixture of feelings; he was suffocated, frightened, and helpless, but also furious and strangely sexually aroused. Another important aspect of his experience was a sense of utter confusion. While he felt like an infant involved in a vicious struggle for survival and realized that what was about to happen was his birth, he was also experiencing himself as his delivering mother. He knew intellectually that being a man he could never give birth, yet he felt that he was somehow crossing that barrier and that the impossible was becoming a reality. There was no question that
he was connecting with something primordial—an ancient feminine archetype, that of the delivering mother. His body image included a large pregnant belly and female genitals with all the nuances of biological sensations. He felt frustrated by not being able to surrender to this elemental process—to give birth and be born, to let go and to let the baby out.
An enormous reservoir of murderous aggression emerged from the underworld of his psyche; it was as if an abscess of evil had suddenly been punctured by the cut of a cosmic surgeon. A werewolf or a berserk was taking him over; Dr. Jekyll was turning into Mr. Hyde. There were many images of the murderer and the victim as one person, just as earlier he could not distinguish between the child who was being born and the delivering mother. He was a merciless tyrant, the dictator exposing the subordinates to unimaginable cruelties, and he was also the revolutionary, leading the furious mob to overthrow the tyrant. He became the mobster who murders in cold blood and the policeman who kills the criminal in the name of law. At one point, he experienced the horrors of the Nazi concentration camps. When he opened his eyes, he saw himself as an SS officer. He had a profound sense that he, the Nazi, and he, the Jew, were the same person. He could feel the Hitler and the Stalin in him and felt fully responsible for the atrocities in human history. He saw that humanity's problem is not the existence of vicious dictators, but this Hidden Killer that we each find within our own psyches, if we look deep enough.
Then the quality of the experience changed and reached mythological proportions; instead of the evil of human history, he sensed the atmosphere of witchcraft and the presence of demonic elements. His teeth were transformed into long fangs filled with some mysterious poison, and he found himself flying on large bat wings through the night like an ominous vampire. This changed soon into wild, intoxicating scenes of a witches' Sabbath. In this dark, sensuous ritual, all the usually forbidden and repressed impulses seemed to surface and were experienced and acted out. While the demonic quality gradually disappeared from his experience, he still felt tremendously erotic and was engaged in endless sequences of the most fantastic orgies and sexual fantasies, in which he played all roles. All through these experiences, he continued being simultaneously the child struggling through the birth canal and the mother delivering it. It became very clear to him that sex and birth were deeply connected and also that satanic forces had important links with the situation in the birth canal.
He struggled and fought in many different roles and against many different enemies. Sometimes he wondered if there would ever be an end to his misery. Then a new element entered his experience. His entire body was covered by some biological filth, which was slimy and slippery. He could not tell if it was the amniotic fluid, mucus, blood, or vaginal secretions. The same stuff seemed to be in his mouth and even in his lungs. He was choking, gagging, making faces, and spitting, trying to get it out of his system and off his skin. At the same time, he was getting a message that he did not have to fight; the process had its own rhythm and all he had to do was surrender to it. He remembered many situations from his life, where he felt the need to fight and struggle and in retrospect that too felt unnecessary. It was as if he had been somehow programmed by his birth to see life as much more complicated and dangerous than it actually is. It seemed to him that this experience could open his eyes in this regard and make his life much easier and more playful than before.
The Hazardous Passage Begins
As we see from the above example of experiences associated with BPM III, this matrix is extremely dynamic and rich in both positive and negative imagery. On the biological level, it shares certain characteristics with BPM II, particularly the continuation of uterine contractions and the overall sense of confinement and constriction. As in the previous stage, each contraction interferes with the fetus's oxygen supply. Complications such as the umbilical cord being twisted around the neck or being squeezed between the head and the pelvic wall, can be additional sources of suffocation.
While there are certain parallels between this matrix and the previous one, there are significant differences that should be carefully noted. In the previous matrix, the cervix was closed; now it is open, allowing the fetus to move through the birth canal. Although the fight for survival continues, there is now a sense of hope, a belief that there will be an end to the struggle.
At this stage, the infant's head is wedged into the pelvic opening, which is so narrow that, even under normal circumstances, the passage is slow and tedious. The musculature of the uterus is very strong and the power of its contractions oscillates between 50 and 100 pounds. This creates an atmosphere of conflicting and clashing energies and a strong hydraulic pressure. The organism of the mother and that of the child are still very intimately interconnected on many levels; for that reason, there may be a strong identification between the two, as the above narrative illust
rates. In the memory record of this matrix, we have no sense of a boundary between ourself and our mother. Neither the physical nor the psychological separation has occurred. Mother and child are still of one consciousness. Thus, it is possible to experience all the feelings and sensations of the infant, to identify fully with the delivering mother, and to connect with the archetype of the delivering woman.
The Birth Experience and Sexuality
In addition to experiencing intense physical pains, anxiety, aggression, a strange sense of excitement, and a driving energy, this matrix is characterized by sexual arousal, undoubtedly the most unexpected aspect of the entire birth process. Clearly this deserves an explanation, especially since it has important implications for understanding what otherwise could be very puzzling forms of human sexual behavior. It is not difficult to see that because of the intense involvement of the genital area, the mother's experience would have a sexual component. Moreover, the build-up and release of tension as the process takes place follows a natural cycle very similar to sexual orgasm. Many women who deliver their babies under ideal circumstances often describe it as the most powerful sexual experience of their lives. But it is much more difficult to understand or even believe that birth could trigger sexual feelings in the baby as well.
Sigmund Freud once shocked the world when he announced his discovery that sexuality does not begin in puberty but in early infancy. Here we are asked to stretch our imaginations even further and accept that we have sexual feelings even before we are born! Observations of people who experience BPM III in non-ordinary states provide us with clear indications that this is true. The evidence suggests that the human body harbors a mechanism that translates extreme suffering, particularly if it is associated with suffocation, into a form of excitement that resembles sexual arousal. This mechanism has been reported by patients in sadomasochistic relationships, by prisoners of war tortured by the enemy, and by people who make unsuccessful attempts to hang themselves and live to tell the story. In all these situations, agony can be intimately associated with ecstasy, even leading to an experience of transcendence, as is the case with flagellants and religious martyrs.
What does all this mean in terms of everyday reality? To begin with, it is important to understand that our first experience of sexuality occurs in a precarious life-threatening context. Along the way, there is also the experience of suffering and inflicting pain, as well as feeling anxiety and blind aggression. In addition, during the passage through the birth canal, the child
is in contact with various biological products, including mucus, blood, and possibly even urine and feces. This connection combined with other events, forms a natural basis for the development of a variety of sexual disorders and deviations later in life. Reinforced by traumatic experiences in infancy and childhood, the experiences of BPM III can give rise to sexual dysfunctions, as well as the practice of bondage and sadomasochism, the association of urine and feces with sexuality, and even criminal sexuality.
The Titanic Dimension of the Third Matrix
As with the other matrices, BPM III has its own symbolism that includes secular, mythological, and spiritual themes. These fall into five distinct categories: the titanic, the aggressive and sadomasochistic, the sexual, the demonic, and the scatological. However, all these share a common theme as well: the encounter with death and the struggle to be born. Most frequently, experiences associated with the third matrix are a mixture of birthrelated sensations and emotions, along with archetypal symbolism, as we saw in the narrative at the beginning of this chapter.
Perhaps the most striking aspect of this matrix is the atmosphere of titanic struggle, frequently of catastrophic proportions. It clearly reflects the enormous conflicting energies involved in this stage of the birth process that we are seeking to discharge. The experiences can reach a painful intensity that exceeds by far what it seems any human could possibly bear. One may experience sequences in which the energy is tremendously concentrated and focused, streaming through the body like high voltage electrical current. This energy might jam, or short circuit, creating enormous tensions in different parts of the body, which may then be explosively discharged. For many people, this is associated with images of modern technology and man-made disasters—giant power plants, high voltage cables, nuclear explosions, the launching of rockets, artillery combat, airraids, and other war scenes.
Others connect experientially with devastating natural disasters, such as exploding volcanoes, bone-shattering earthquakes, raging hurricanes and tornadoes, spectacular electrical storms, comets or meteors, and cosmic cataclysms. We have heard references to such catastrophes as the last days of Pompeii or the eruption of Krakatau. Less frequently, these images depict destruction by water; here belong scenes of ominous ocean storms, great tidal waves, river floods, or the breaking of dams followed by the massive inundation of whole towns. Some people have described mythological images such as the annihilation of Atlantis, the end of Sodom and Gomorrah, or even Armageddon.
Perinatal Roots of Violence
The aggressive and sadomasochistic aspects of the third matrix seem to be logical products of the situation the child faces in the birth canal. The outward-directed aggression reflects the biological fury of the organism whose survival is threatened by suffocation. It cannot be explained psychologically nor does it have any ethical meaning. It is comparable to a state of mind any of us would manifest if our head were held under water and we were not able to breathe. When this aspect of the matrix is activated in non-ordinary states it finds its expression in numerous images of wars, revolutions, massacres, slaughters, tortures, and abuses of various kinds in which we play the active role.
There is also a form of inward-directed aggression associated with this matrix that has a self-destructive quality. This aggression, expressed in self-destructive fantasies and impulses, seems to be the internalization of forces that were originally imposed on us from the outside—the uterine contractions and the resistance within the birth canal. The memory of this experience survives in us as a sense of emotional and physical confinement and the inability to enjoy our lives fully. It sometimes takes the form of a cruel inner judge demanding punishment, a savage part of the superego that can drive the person to extremes of self-destructiveness.
I would like to note here some important differences between the experiences associated with the second and third matrices. While we are exclusively victims in BPM II, in BPM III we can alternately identify with the victim and the perpetrator. In addition, we can sometimes be an observer watching the scenes from the outside. This is expressed in the above narrative by the person experiencing himself as both the Jewish victim and the Nazi persecutor. People who get in touch with this aspect of the birth process often say that through it they can actually identify and empathize with cruel military leaders and tyrants, such as Genghis Khan, Hitler, or Stalin, or with even more contemporary mass murderers.
The sadomasochistic associations of this matrix mirror the relationships between causing and inflicting pain, suffering, and sexual arousal, discussed in the paragraphs above. This accounts for the intertwining of sexual feelings and pain that is characteristic of sadomasochism. Sadism and masochism never exist as purely separate phenomena; instead, they are interconnected in the human psyche, representing two sides of the same coin. As one might guess, the images associated with the sadomasochistic experiences involve scenes of rapes, sexual murders, and sadomasochistic practices of inflicting or receiving painful treatment.
The Agony and the Ecstasy of Birth
As the intensity of experiences associated with this matrix increase, the emotions and sensations that were originally polar opposites (pain versus pleasure, for example) begin to converge. They may eventually merge into a single undifferentiated state of mind, containing all possible dimensions of human experience. Intense suffering and exquisite pleasure become the same; caustic heat feels like freezing cold; murderous aggression and passionate love become one; and the agony o
f death becomes the ecstasy of birth. When the suffering reaches its absolute apex, the situation oddly ceases to have the quality of suffering and agony. Instead, the very intensity of the experience is transformed into wild, ecstatic rapture that can be described as "Dionysian" or "volcanic ecstasy."
This volcanic ecstasy or rapture can go even further until it reaches transcendental proportions. In contrast to the oceanic ecstasy associated with BPM I, this volcanic type involves enormous explosive tension with both aggressive and self-destructive elements. This form of rapture can be experienced in childbirth, in accidents, or in rituals using physically painful procedures, such as the practice of the flagellants or the Native American Sun Dance, in which the person voluntarily undergoes intense physical pain for a prolonged period of time. A certain level of volcanic ecstasy can be reached in aboriginal ceremonies that involve wild dancing and loud intoxicating music, or even in their modern counterparts, certain rock concerts.
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