The Foul Mouth and the Headless Hunny (The King Henry Tapes)

by Raley, Richard

  I studied her face again, at those odd cheeks, the wide nose, and lips you’d expect on a dark-skinned African, not a pasty Celt. Then at the wide body, big limbed and bigger everything else. Inanina smirked at the attention, placing me in a category I often get placed when it comes to women, but not this time.

  I laughed myself, not nearly as warm as Nii-Vah’s had been. Cutting, slow, low audible stuff. “Think I got it . . . scares the crap out of me since it means you ain’t just old, you damned old, but . . . think I got the trick of it.”

  Nii-Vah beamed over me like I was a good little student. It gave me a flashback to Kumiko Ambrose’s History classes. “The Divine Inanina is a bit of a traditionalist and wears her original shell when in public. It—”

  “Ain’t fucking human,” I interrupted. Which made Inanina not thousands of years old . . . but tens of thousands of years old. “It’s Neanderthal.”

  Inanina’s bark of laughter was colder than even mine had been. “A superior shell to your genocidal, self-destructive species, I assure you.”

  I nodded. “Looks like it gets the job done.”

  The smile became something worthy of a cryomancer. More curves heaved as she shifted in her seat to face Nii-Vah. “I’d break you in half, little Artificer.”

  I’m sure you would, which is why if you come within ten feet of me, I’m going to push Annie B at you and make a run for them double doors. “Guess I’ll live in blissful innocence, I hear it’s all the rage these days.”

  Nii-Vah’s left hand moved to wave at the remaining Too-Beautiful Divine. “And this is the Divine Eresha, she has asked me to assign Baroness Boleyn to look into . . . a most unexpected theft. You’ve agreed to provide your services as well, I believe?”

  “Yeah,” I agreed.

  Now it was Nii-Vah I studied. Can’t imagine the Divine Eresha was used to being so overlooked and it seemed to be ticking her off by the way her cheeks twitched. But fuck her, right? I mean . . . anyone who thinks a shell that fucked up is the ideal, that’s not anyone I want to spend much time around.

  “You’re Annie B’s boss?” I asked Nii-Vah.

  She laughed again at another monkey trick. “That’s your nickname for the baroness?”

  “Like I could call her Boleyn all the time? Already got anima to deal with; don’t need vampire bullshit historical-figure-still-alive craziness slapping me in the face every time I say her name.”

  “Annie B,” Nii-Vah sighed aloud, watching Annie kneel there like a good supplicant. “Did you sleep with him to get his cooperation, Annie B?”

  “No,” Anne whispered, sounding ashamed about it.

  “He was too stalwart for even your seductive skills?”

  “I’m paying him, Divine Nii-Vah.”

  “Yet his posture is protective of you,” Inanina accused.

  Shit . . . now I remember that name. Inanina’s the vamp who created Annie B. Ain’t no sire bonds in the real world, but still had to be an important connection. Okay . . . so Nii-Vah was her boss, Inanina was her mother, what’s that make Eresha? Just the client or something more I’m missing?

  “We fucked once upon a time,” I filled in, posture sure enough leaning my body to cover Annie B. I do like her at times. Hate her other times. Don’t like bullies though . . . anyone who calls themselves ‘divine’ is a huge bully. Godhood ain’t for the meek of heart, it’s for the crazies. “But I got myself a badass pyromancer girlfriend now, so I had to take the cash and not the gash.”

  Inanina grimaced. “Letting an anima-infused human paw you . . . you disgust me, Child of my Blood. You know they’re unclean.”

  “I’m only what you made me,” Annie B slurred her words in a drunken, passive-aggressive shot.

  Inanina snorted. “Do not remind me. You failed me from the start. Unwanted love, unwanted children, unwanted thirst for your own kind. You should have been glassed four-hundred years ago.”

  Eresha snorted as well, doubly mocking from how small her flawless little nose was. “She’s Nii-Vah’s to punish, sister, you should have accepted that four-hundred years ago as well.”

  Inanina wasn’t put off by the rebuttal. She twisted her lips cruelly at Annie. “One day the baroness will fail so spectacularly even your spite will fail to place you against me, Eresha.”

  Annie B trembled, but unspoken to, gave no response. I had no such scruples. “So, you’re her boss?” I asked Nii-Vah again, ignoring the other two.

  Sisters.

  Sisters who hate each other.

  Annie B’s mother. Annie B’s aunt. Annie B’s boss.

  Asking me questions about Obadiah Paine and the whole ‘how did you get to Seattle so quickly’ bit too.

  Nothing could possibly go wrong with this situation.

  Don’t think they’d buy the same lies that Ceinwyn and the Lady had, especially without Val to back me up.

  Nii-Vah nodded. “She’s one of my best.”

  “So you’re the . . . Sheriff?”

  Another twinkling laugh while Inanina and Eresha both sniffed sharply with very different noses. Nii-Vah accepted the term, “Sheriff, diplomat, friend of humanity . . . even the anima-infused portion of humanity. These are my areas of control.” Again some hand waves, both at once this time around. “The Divine Inanina concerns herself with matters of battle and war, including the members of our kind who are titled counts, while the Divine Eresha stewards the Great Bank.”

  Great Bank, I thought the term over.

  “Not coins, I’m guessing.”

  “Shells,” Eresha explained, “our most prized processions.”

  “You have . . . extras?”

  Eresha seemed affronted. “Of course! I have one for every day of the year.”

  Almost four-hundred bodies . . . for one vampire.

  Fuck me. Good thing I didn’t have an anima pool or glass and vampire blood would be raining from the sky.

  Strangely enough, it angered Inanina as well. She scowled at her sister. “And some of us have had only the one for all of our years.” A glance at us. “At least Annie B learned that truth from me . . . if nothing else.”

  “Maybe your sister didn’t find such a perfect one the first time around and is still searching,” I flattered. I was talking about Annie B’s, but was fine with Inanina’s shocked blush as well. Guessing Vamp gods don’t get much besides fear and worship. Flattery can throw off their game as much as dropping f-bombs.

  Pissed the Divine Eresha right off though. “Ignorant savage,” she whispered, “they never understand.”

  I snarled at her. “Explain then.”

  She did. “I adore your species. I love your complexities and your variety. Every day, I honor one of your fallen by taking a new body as my home. I fix the imperfections caused by years of damage and mistaken cellular splits. Though the mind and the soul have passed beyond concern, I give to the body a chance to continue on and have meaning. More meaning than being burned to ashes or to be left buried alone in the ground, until nature claims even the name on a tombstone and nothing at all is left of a life lived.”

  Yup.

  Bitch be crazy.

  “That’s one way to look at it,” I muttered, trying not to show my aversion to another species stealing human corpses and selling them like coats.

  Eresha bought that flattery as much as her sister had. She glanced at Nii-Vah, “He’s very adaptable, I do hope we aren’t forced into killing him.”

  Nii-Vah smiled at her monkey again, wondering if maybe it didn’t need a tasty poisoned date. “We shall see. Answer Inanina’s questions and we shall see what fate awaits you, King Henry Price.”

  “If I can,” I set the bar low. “Not all of that experience stayed with me.”

  Inanina leaned forward to set her elbows on the marble table. Her bazongas leaned in with her and . . . yup, those things would feed a village or two. “We will begin with the death of Countess d’Arc. You are the only other witness to that night and I want to clear up any lingering doubts a
bout Baroness Boleyn’s account.”

  I nodded but said nothing. Forget village, they’d feed a city all winter long.

  Inanina scowled when she realized what had my attention, but did nothing to divert my eyes. You don’t get to complain about objectification when you’re wearing a see-through dress, lady. Nom nom nom, cookies! “How did that night play itself out?”

  “Annie B thought she was going to have to duel Duke Cassius and die, seeing as how he’s so much older, so I made an artifact for her that pumps cryo-anima into the system. It acts as a bit of blood adrenaline, if you will, and I thought it would allow Annie B the edge she needed to survive. Of course, it was Joannie D and not Cassius she had to duel. But it still worked and Annie B was able to rip out Joannie D’s heart. That’s pretty much what happened . . .”

  “That’s all you have to say?” Inanina continued to scowl.

  “Oh, we had Think-I’m-Gonna-Die Sex. Good stuff.”

  The scowl grew to take over all of her face, wide features or not. “What about the artifact?”

  “The cryo-ring?” I shrugged. “Worked like I thought it would.”

  “Don’t play dumb with me, anima-infused!” Inanina stood to better glare at me, body going up and down, up and down. Like an internet GIF. Over and over and over they shifted. Just like them GIFs, I was paralyzed, unable to look away. “What happened to the Jinshin Ken?”

  I frowned, still playing dumb. Didn’t know the ching-chang, but knew she meant the World-Breaker. “Huh?”

  “The Jinshin Ken of Hiroto Arashi! The Earthquake Sword of the most gifted Artificer to ever walk the Earth, which Anne claims you destroyed!” Inanina filled in.

  Earthquake Sword . . . that’s more like it. Earthquake Sword . . . World-Breaker . . . why other people so much better naming things than I am?

  “Oh . . . that,” I deadpanned. “Totally broke it into a million pieces of jade dust.”

  Inanina sat back down. Made me think the sudden anger had been an act. She glanced at Nii-Vah, who asked, “It’s destroyed?”

  “I drew anima from the artifact and it crumbled in my hand,” I told her, failing to mention that there had been two artifacts that night. “Annie saw it better than me. I was too busy trying to stop Fresno from getting leveled by geo-anima.”

  The two Divines let out sighs of relief. But Eresha warned, “He’s not telling the whole truth.”

  Damn, better than Ceinwyn alright. Nii-Vah wasn’t very friendly now, her small face hard. It reminded me of Eva Reti of all people. Usually it was just non-emotional, bored-out-of-our-minds, twenty-somthing sex between us . . . but when I did something to piss her off, that little chick could turn spitting tomcat damn quick.

  “What’s the whole truth, King Henry Price?” Nii-Vah asked, eyes telling me she was already fingering the metaphorical date.

  I tried again with some more half-truth. “I attemped to recreate the . . . Earthquake Sword . . . but I failed to make it work.”

  Now it was Nii-Vah who glanced to Eresha. Eresha nodded, relaxing. The metaphorical date disappeared and Nii-Vah smiled over her sweet monkey. “Just as well. Don’t ever make the attempt again or we will be forced to take action against you.”

  “Oh really?” I asked with my typical affronted tone when someone ordered me around.

  “It was a very dangerous artifact, more dangerous than you realize,” Inanina filled in some exposition for the stupid human. “You did the world a favor when you destroyed it.”

  “That’s me, full of favors. Destroying artifacts, finding thieves, fighting off crazy mancers.”

  “The Curator is anima-infused?” Inanina asked, perking up at more information she wanted.

  Keep them on Paine, not Meteyos. “You act like Ceinwyn and the Lady never 411’d the details your way.”

  Inanina turned to Nii-Vah. “Did they?” she asked, her surprise clear. “Did your little pet already tell you of this?”

  “Ceinwyn Dale is not my pet,” Nii-Vah reminded Inanina.

  “You helped raise her,” Eresha scoffed. “What else would she be? You have withheld information from the rest of us, Nii-Vah! How dare you?”

  Whoa . . . a vampire helped raise Ceinwyn? I knew that her parents died and the whole Last True Dale bullshit, but . . . holy fuckballs. Explains how she knows Annie B though . . . and why they’re friends . . .

  Holy.

  Fuck.

  B.

  A.

  L.

  L.

  S.

  “She was not my pet, she was my pupil,” Nii-Vah explained, “and having personally trained her in diplomacy and manipulation, I would be a fool to believe every detail she sends my way, especially when it comes to the anima-infused.”

  “You should have told us regardless,” Eresha pouted like a little girl who hadn’t gotten her pony.

  “I didn’t trust what I was told,” Nii-Vah admitted, “it was . . . disturbing.”

  “That a mancer could wipe out two Embassies and a count-led strike team?” I ribbed them, enjoying the discomfort among creatures claiming to be gods. I’d love to knock you ladies down on your asses myself, but pointing out Paine’s already done it will have to be enough for now.

  “You talked to a fairy?” Nii-Vah asked instead, like it was more important.

  Shit.

  “Yeah, yeah, stupid fairy gave me the Curator’s location and a free ride, only took him stealing half my memories of the trip and scaring the crap out of my girlfriend,” I downplayed the experience . . . by about a metric fuckton.

  “What do you remember?” Nii-Vah asked.

  Eresha and Inanina’s silence seemed deadly. A predator’s intense concentration on potential prey. At my side, Annie B kept her head down, absolutely still, absolutely meek. She looked horrible. As bad as I’ve ever seen her, like she was in the middle of the flu. If those two Divines pounced on me, then I’d be on my own. Helped them destroy a World-Breaker or not. Finding some thieves for them or not.

  “We buried ourselves in dirt then I pooled anima. When I released it, the fairy grabbed us . . . took us elsewhere. It was like we were surrounded by geo-anima . . . I remember that. He agreed to help and we came out right near where the Curator was but hours later.”

  “Half-truths again,” Eresha said.

  Nii-Vah pulled that metaphorical date back out. Come here, monkey, have a taste. “How did you know to do this?”

  “I did it once before at the Asylum, by accident. When my teacher was trying to give me a lesson about the earth controlling us and not the other way around.”

  Eresha nodded at Nii-Vah.

  “Did the fairy tell you anything more? Besides giving you your trip to the Curator?” the small Divine asked.

  What would they buy? How close to the truth could I come without getting myself killed? Too much and my ass was grass. Too little and my ass was grass. Had to get it just right, just dangerous enough and just truthful enough to get them to consider killing me but deciding against it.

  So . . .

  Vamps didn’t like fairies.

  Or dragons . . . whatever.

  Shit . . . that’d be an awesome shitty movie. Vampires vs Dragons. Step aside Sharknado, the new king is in town.

  In his last angry rant Meteyos had mentioned parasites. The Vamps? Could be, could be. Vamps don’t like fairies, Meteyos don’t like Vamps. Makes a guy want to ask some questions of his own. Only if I asked . . . well, curiosity would kill the monkey along with the cat.

  “He gave me his name,” I decide on. “Told me to call on him again if I ever need help . . . not that I plan on it, given what an asshole he is.”

  “His name?” Nii-Vah whispered.

  “I know a guy when I talk to a guy,” I said. “Besides, what kind of woman would call herself Meteyos?”

  Forget farting. The Divines looked like I’d pulled my pants down, squatted, and shat on their chamber floor.

  “Meteyos?” Nii-Vah asked. “He said his name was Mete
yos?”

  I glanced at each of them in turn, playing up confusion. “Yeah. Something I should know?”

  Inanina made to rise, probably to snuff me out, but Nii-Vah raising a hand put the other Divine back in her seat. She really needed to stop moving around . . . it was too damn distracting. Nii-Vah asked another question, “Did he tell you his other title?”

  I shook my head stupidly. It helped that I was good at it. Also helped that Vamps expect stupidity out of humans.

  “They call him ‘the Killer of Fools,’” Nii-Vah filled in. “He always betrays those he first helps. If I were you, I would never call on his aide again, King Henry Price.”

  “I don’t plan on it.” But I might go back to visit Poug one day . . . ask some questions to clear all this bullshit up.

  “The Curator,” Nii-Vah changed the subject, “then we’re finished with you.”

  I shrugged like it was no big deal. Still alive, motherfuckers! “What Ceinwyn tell you about him?”

  “That he’s an Artificer, more talented and skilled than you are,” Nii-Vah said, being a little mean at the end there. A fella’ has his pride!

  “Guess she doesn’t lie as much as you think she does,” I said, wanting to go into Ceinwyn’s relationship with Nii-Vah more but knowing I’d never get anywhere with the Divine. I’d have to ask Ceinwyn about it. For a vamp, Nii-Vah was okay, but . . . she was still a vamp. That shell of hers was cute and friendly, but it hadn’t always been hers.

  Inanina butted her way in and given dat ass, she was really good at it. “Describe him, his associates, the artifacts he used, the anima-conjurations he used, and any other tactical information you believe relevant to my counts finally cutting his head off. Then, you and Annie B may leave our presence.”

  Shit.

  Guess we’d be awhile.

  [CLICK]

  Annie B leaned hard against me as we exited the chamber.

  “They didn’t kill you,” she whispered in shocked disbelief, “I thought for sure they would kill you and glass me. You called them ‘bottom bitches.’ You stupid asshole . . . you ignorant, stupid asshole . . .”

  “Hey now, Drunky McDrunkington, watch the language, that’s my fucking job.”