Sweet Valley Confidential: Ten Years Later

by Francine Pascal

  This time, there were no tears from Elizabeth. In fact, the wildness of the last half hour had wiped out all her anxieties. She lay content in Will’s arms.

  It was so different from being with Todd; even now it felt like a strange and disloyal thought but true. She tried to think of exactly how it was different. Yes, she and Todd had been together a fairly long time, had lived together for almost two years. That had to quiet passions. Or deepen them.

  It had quieted theirs.

  Elizabeth knew herself to be a commitment freak. When she made a promise, come hell or high water, she stayed with it. Long after the water had receded.

  Will had drifted off to sleep, but he was still holding her. And she still liked his arms around her, liked it very much.

  The respite gave her some introspective time, time without the bitterness that always accompanied any thoughts of her situation, known either as the Dumped Situation or the Betrayed Situation. Lest that belittle her circumstance, both came with all the accoutrements that attend such painful wounds.

  In the last few months, the strongest longing she’d connected with Todd was for revenge, to hurt him as he had hurt her. Where was the quiet ache of a broken heart? That dreaming of the happiness they had once shared? That longing for a missed love that crushes the spirit and leaves a dark pit of loneliness?

  Not one had a chance against her fury.

  Would she want Todd’s arms around her now?

  Absolutely not.

  But was that lack of love or too much anger?

  Suppose it wasn’t love that had broken her heart. Suppose it was rejection and duplicity.

  Maybe that’s what she would have needed to end it. Something catastrophic. She could never have ended it by falling out of love. She never would have known that she had; she cared too much. She was the commitment freak.

  Will stirred, opened his eyes. He smiled at her and held her closer.

  Elizabeth smiled back and kissed his cheek lightly.

  That was enough to rekindle the embers, and the heat took them back to where they’d left off.

  Sometime around 2:00 A.M., without time out for dinner, Elizabeth pled her deadline and left.

  It was a good leaving—no promises. They both had some interesting thinking to do.

  18

  New York

  Elizabeth was back at her apartment in less than ten minutes. That can happen in the city in those rare times between breaths when there is no traffic. Nothing is really that far away. It just seems that way when you’re trying to go crosstown during rush hour. And in New York, it’s always rush hour for someone.

  “How’re you doing, George?” Elizabeth flung a wave to the doorman as she passed. The tenants always joked about how the doorman job would be perfect for the wheelchair-bound since, save one, not any of the doormen ever got up from behind the desk to open the door or help with a package. It was a marginal West Side building with marginal doormen. The one exception was a new man who came from an East Side apartment house and hadn’t yet learned lethargy. But that wasn’t George. George was a sitter.

  “That was fast,” said George from his usual perch. “Really fast.”

  “I guess,” Elizabeth answered, not having any idea what was fast and not wanting to ask and get ten minutes of the latest tenant gossip.

  The mailboxes were in the back of the lobby. She could hear George going on about how he didn’t even see her leave.

  “And I was right here. All the time,” he said.

  “Relax. I’m in for the night,” Elizabeth said, holding her mail and slipping quickly into the elevator. “See you, George.”

  “It’s not possible…” The elevator door closed off the rest of his response.

  The mail was as expected, bills and advertisements, and no invites to marvelous New York parties. In her eight months here, no one had invited Elizabeth to a marvelous party—or any kind of party. Part of it was her own fault; she never hooked up with any women her own age. The only way singles can move around in a city like New York is in clusters, and Elizabeth didn’t have a cluster. In fact, with the exception of a woman she ran into occasionally when she was doing laundry in the basement, she didn’t know any other women her age. The only woman in her office was married and in her fifties.

  Lots of excuses, but the truth was, she hadn’t tried. In fact, she’d discouraged any attempts at friendship. She was too busy suffering.

  But now, that might be over.

  The elevator stopped at the seventh floor and Elizabeth got out just as her neighbor, the one right next door without a name, stepped in. They both said hi and smiled. Two o’clock in the morning and she’s just going out? New York neighbors are very interesting.

  The smile was still on Elizabeth’s face when she turned the corner toward her apartment, but it froze when she saw who was sitting on the floor outside her door.

  * * *

  Poor George. Now Elizabeth understood what had confused him. In front of her door, in a sleeping heap, surrounded by a sequined backpack and a Prada bag, was her twin sister.

  It was a shock to see Jessica here in New York. More shocking still was the pounding reverberating in Elizabeth’s heart, an involuntary combination of excitement and, if she didn’t know better, happiness. But that lasted only an instant. The reverse quickly took over and she even considered carefully and quietly opening the door and, without waking Jessica, stepping over her and slipping into the apartment.

  That option was lost when Jessica opened her eyes. There was a dazed nanosecond of disorientation before she readjusted and jumped to her feet. The movement could have continued forward toward her sister, but Elizabeth imperceptibly pulled back and Jessica stopped.

  “Can you ever forgive me?” Then, without waiting for a response, she said, “I left him.”

  Elizabeth paused to take in the news and swallowed it, choking a little on her possible involvement. Had Liam triggered this? It was too complicated a thought to deal with now.

  Without a word or a sign of any sort, Elizabeth unlocked the door and pushed it open. She stood back and, with a small nod of her head, motioned Jessica to step in.

  Jessica scooped up her things and entered.

  This was the first time Jessica had been in this kind of New York apartment. That time during spring break Alice’s friend’s building had been brand new and very grand, and with Regan, of course, they’d always stayed in chic, modern penthouses or hotels. Additionally, this was old and looked it, and so completely different from Sweet Valley that it seemed more like Europe to her. Since it was already furnished, there was nothing of her sister’s she recognized. And it wasn’t even Elizabeth neat; there were clothes thrown on the chairs and a half-eaten sandwich on the kitchen counter, which was actually a piece of kitchen in the living room.

  Maybe she wouldn’t know how to deal with this new Elizabeth. She’d already deviated from her plan and lost any advantage she could have had by not being awake to see Elizabeth’s first reaction and judge what kind of chance she had.

  Somehow, when Jessica had made the decision to come to New York and throw herself on her sister’s mercy, she’d pictured it differently. Though she planned to be true and honest, not to spare herself any blame, her explanation would be couched in a gentle, loving, apologetic but hopeful manner. Instead, she had blurted out everything in two sentences and Elizabeth hadn’t responded. Were they so far apart that nothing would ever heal the rift?

  “What are you doing here?” Elizabeth asked evenly, calmly picking up her clothes from the couch.

  “Didn’t you hear what I said? I left Todd.”

  “That has nothing to do with me.” Her response was so cold, Elizabeth couldn’t even look at her sister when she said it.

  That’s why she didn’t see Jessica sink to the couch and put her face in her hands, but she did hear the sobs.

  Jessica had had many unhappy times in the last eight months, and though there were many tears, she’d never broken dow
n and wept like this.

  It was the sound of irretrievable loss. It was almost a wail.

  It cut through to Elizabeth’s heart. After years of conditioning, of always being the one responsible for answering her sister’s needs, her response was involuntary, and it was excruciating not to be able to take Jessica in her arms and comfort her the way she had done countless times in their lives.

  But she couldn’t. Right now, it seemed she would never be able to love her sister again. It was inconceivable to think that part of her life was over, but it was.

  “I swear I didn’t see it coming. I mean, with Todd all that time ago.” Jessica forced the words through her tears. “But once it did, I was shocked. It was the ugliest thing I had ever done in my life. And I couldn’t stop myself.”

  “That’s your excuse? ‘I couldn’t stop myself’? Well, you should have.”

  “But I never have. I know it sounds crazy, but you were the one who always stopped me. You were my fail-safe. You shouldn’t have been, but you were.”

  “So actually, it was my fault?”

  Jessica had stopped crying. She had an expression on her face that Elizabeth had never seen before. It was too serious, too knowing for Jessica. At least for her Jessica.

  “No, of course, it wasn’t your fault.” Again, the tears. “I love you so much, and I’ve ruined your life.” The words were mangled between sobs. “And I’ve lost you forever.”

  At those unbearable words, Elizabeth’s resolve almost weakened, but then she found the steel of anger to hold it together.

  “I want you to leave.”

  “Please.” Jessica came toward Elizabeth, her arms extended. “Just let me hold you once before I go. I know I can’t have your forgiveness, but just let me feel one more time that other part of me that I can never have again.”

  The sight of her sister, her face torn with the love and need, and Elizabeth’s own longing defeated her resolve. Was any man worth losing this most precious thing in her life?

  Elizabeth reached out and took her Jessica in her arms.

  Even when Jessica felt her sister’s arms around her, she couldn’t stop sobbing. In fact, feeling that familiar body, almost an extension of her own, only escalated her loss.

  For Elizabeth, holding Jessica was more than holding a sister. It was what she would feel had it been her child, and she understood now that short of the ultimate separation, she could never let go of Jessica. And she never wanted to. They would have to find a way.

  Would Elizabeth ever learn and change and see the unfairness of the relationship? No. Love is not fair. Just undeniable.

  Still, maybe there was a little difference.

  “I love you, too, Jess, and my life is not ruined.”

  And just like that, with those few words, they were on their way to healing.

  Jessica turned to her sister and returned the embrace. Together they sat on the couch and held each other until they calmed down enough to giggle, sitting there hugging as if, had they let go, they would have fallen into space.

  Finally, Elizabeth did let go. “Do you want some tea or coffee?” she asked, smiling. “On second thought, I’m actually down to only air and water in the house and you can have either. Or there’s a six-day-old half-eaten chicken sandwich, if you like.”

  “Thanks, but I have everything I want.”

  “Me, too.”

  Jessica began to talk to her sister as she had always done, but it was different this time. They were equals. She told her about the last eight months with Todd and what guilt was doing to their relationship.

  As Jessica talked, Elizabeth found herself less interested in her own part. In fact, she wished herself away from it. Hers was the dead part, and even her anger had quieted. She found that she could almost remove herself and concentrate on what was still alive for Jessica.

  And she sensed that it was still very much alive for Jessica. That maybe she had underestimated her sister’s ability to love.

  Elizabeth decided she was owed a small advantage, a payback for a lot of tough Jessica years. She decided to take it and not own up to her hand—or accidental hand—in the Liam incident.

  “Was Todd right?” Elizabeth had to know. “Were you flirting with Liam?”

  “No way,” Jessica said. “Liam. I like didn’t even remember his name, but whatever it was, he was hanging all over me, and actually, it was getting annoying. I didn’t feel any kind of response—which I know is weird for me, but it wasn’t the first time. I know it’s hard for you to understand, but I so don’t have any interest in other guys. I’m not even sure why.”

  “Because you’re in love.”

  “In that case, maybe I was never in love before.”

  “Maybe you weren’t.”

  “I thought I was like lots of times, but it was so never like this.”

  There was no point in chickening out now. Jessica had to ask. “Are you still in love with Todd?”

  Elizabeth wanted to be honest, but it was a terrible question. Lost love was not the first thing that came to her mind when she thought of Todd. Just the fact that she couldn’t answer an immediate yes made her think either she was falling back into the pattern of taking care of Jessica or she really didn’t know how she felt about Todd. Well, she did know the anger, but she hadn’t looked beyond that in a long time. Now she did, and she answered.

  “I don’t think so. I think if it hadn’t ended like a car crash, it would have faded gently, dropping into one of those well-worn friendships.”

  “You wouldn’t have married him?”

  “I don’t think Todd would have gone through with it. But I know now that I would have needed him to stop it.”

  Jessica couldn’t hide the hope in her face.

  “In fact, okay, so I’m not in love with him, but you are, and I want to help you put it together again.”

  “The old Jessica would have sat back and let you do it all, but I’m so the new Jessica and I’m doing it myself. In fact, I’m getting back on that plane first thing tomorrow morning and straightening it all out. Just the way my sister would.”

  “Hey,” Elizabeth said, happier than she had been in months.

  “Okay,” Jessica said, “now tell me how I should do it.”

  Elizabeth hugged her sister and together they crept into bed just the way they had done thousands of times before. And it felt right and good.

  19

  New York

  As promised, Jessica left at the first light of dawn, kissing her sister and borrowing her new suede jacket. But Elizabeth’s euphoria could not be diminished.

  As Jessica passed the hopelessly confused doorman still on duty, she waved and wished him good morning and stepped out into the clean, fresh, early New York morning.

  The street that had been jammed with people and cars when she’d arrived last night was empty. She started out to the curb to hail a cab when she saw a young man leaning against a parked car.

  As sometimes happens, in the picosecond before recognition, you see the unvarnished reality. This passing flash for Jessica was of a man, young but not a boy, his face kind and gentle, staring at her.

  Then she saw that it was Todd.

  He smiled, shrugged, and put out his arms to her.

  She went to him, and the first words from both of them were “I’m sorry.” Then, “I love you.”

  “Let’s go home,” Jessica said.

  Todd hailed a cab and the doorman watched the couple get in and was happy that nice lady in 7C who always looked so unhappy had finally found someone in her life. He could see they were very much in love.

  Then he went off duty and, just as well, didn’t get to see the nice lady come out later that morning. Alone. But not unhappy.

  Will called before nine, but Elizabeth said she couldn’t see him until she finished the piece. They arranged to have dinner Tuesday night after rehearsal, and Elizabeth knew exactly what she had to do. It was truth time.

  When she walked into the smal
l Italian restaurant a couple of blocks west of the theater, Will was already at the table. He had on jeans, of course, but had dressed up a bit with a blazer, especially for her. She was pleased. He had long since stopped looking like Todd, but he was that kind of traditional magazine handsome that she liked. It wasn’t the only thing she liked about him, but it didn’t hurt.

  It was good to see him, very good, but not over-the-top. Maybe she had forgotten what over-the-top felt like. She was definitely attracted to this guy, but …

  “First thing,” Elizabeth started, barely sitting down. “A confession…”

  “Your plan with Liam worked.”

  “Liam told you?”

  He nodded.

  “It wasn’t a plan,” she continued. “At least not a conscious plan. You’re right, it did work and in the most horrible way. Even though it was the opposite of what I expected—Liam was knocked out by my sister and she didn’t even care. That’s what made it horrible; she really is in love, but what I did was enough to ruin everything.”

  “You talked to her?”

  Elizabeth told him about Jessica’s visit and the rapprochement and how she spared herself a confession.

  “I still don’t think that kind of cruelty was what I had in mind. Do you believe that?” Elizabeth asked.

  “Yes. Consciously you didn’t, but it was in there someplace. You admit that?”

  “Yes. I guess it was. But it was so deep inside, so powerful, that longing to hurt them, that I let myself be fooled. Is that possible or am I just rationalizing?”

  “A little of both, but I understand. And for what it’s worth, I think that makes you human. Now what happens?”

  She told him what had happened and how the new Jessica, the in-love Jessica, had taken over and was going to work it out. How she called from the airport and told Elizabeth that before she could do anything, Todd had showed up in New York to take her home. According to Jessica, they had a most way-perfect movie meeting right outside the apartment.

  “I still don’t know the details, but the wedding is back on, and I’m going. And I take back the fuck you.”