by Seth Eden
“Jesus, Sandro,” Ricky breathed. “Why wouldn’t you be more careful?”
“I didn’t fucking know she was there!” My head was pounding. I felt like I was having the world’s worst hangover, and I didn’t even get the benefit of a night of drinking and partying. “Please, you have to get her to talk to me.”
“She just threw a fucking vase with your flowers in it at my head. I’m not going back up there. You’re welcome to go up there yourself,” Ricky said.
“I’m on my way.”
Gabriel clicked the end button on the call and picked up the speed, charging toward Willow’s family’s place. The car was hardly to a halt in front of the house before I was jumping out of the front seat. I had no idea what I was going to say. I couldn’t tell her it wasn’t what it sounded like, and I couldn’t tell her I’d never actually do that—none of that was true. All I could do was explain to her how much it killed me, and hope that that’d be enough.
I rushed for the front door, but before I got to it, it opened for me. Willow was framed in the doorway, her eyes puffy and full to bursting with disappointment. More painful than any of that were the packed bags gripped in her hands.
“Willow.” I dropped to my knees. “Please don’t go.” Ricky was standing behind her with his keys gripped in his hand, and his mom was next to him, her own eyes swollen and red. “I know,” I started. “I know I let you down.”
Tears streamed down Willow’s face without ceasing. I wanted to grab her, and hold her, and tell her that everything was going to be okay, but I didn’t know that to be true any more than she did. All that was left was to beg. To stay at her feet and ask her to forgive me when I knew I didn’t deserve it. I wrapped my arms around her waist and buried my face into her stomach.
“I love you so much. Please. I don’t want to lose you. We’re meant to be together. You’re my soulmate.” In any other situation, I’d never display any form of weakness to anyone. My dad would throw me into a river if he saw me on my knees, but I was willing to do what he never was. I was willing to fight for the one I loved. Sorry dad. “Please don’t go.”
“Look at me.” Willow’s voice was an eerily low octave that I didn’t like hearing in place of her typically sweet, melodic tones. I craned my head up, seeing how even her once vibrant, blue eyes were a deep blue, like a sea in a storm. “I’ll stay.”
“You will?” I gasped.
“If you can tell me you weren’t going to do what I heard you planning with Luca, and don’t lie to me, because I’ll know.” She was staring down at me, a woman who already knew the answer to a question she’d asked.
I stayed quiet, my own eyes filling with tears. I dropped my head and let my arms loose to droop from around her.
“That’s what I thought.”
Willow walked around me, pulling her bags alongside her. As Ricky passed, he set a hand on my shoulder before continuing on. Willow’s mom closed the front door, and I stared at it in desperate silence as I listened to Ricky’s car start and, eventually, pull away.
I had to get to her.
She was gone.
21
Willow
I sat on my bathroom floor back at my apartment in California, thinking back on everything like it had all been a bad dream. How had I gotten so swept in Alessandro again? Why did I allow him to convince me to overlook what I knew to be true, what I had seen with my own eyes? I thought back on everything. He’s comforted me by my grandfather’s fountain at his funeral. He’d shown up at my mom’s house while I was swimming to tell me how he felt about me, whether I liked it or not. The recreation of our first date. Meeting Molly and the kids for the first time, and sharing a meal with them like a big, happy family. Spending the day in the hotel room, laughing at dumb reality shows. Deciding to be together. Making love in my bedroom, making love in the living room, making love in the garden, and making love in the hotel. I’d covered myself in Alessandro, slathered myself in him, and it was going to be much harder to wash him off the second time around.
Especially because…
“Is it done yet?” Sasha asked.
I looked at my phone, the timer slowly ticking toward zero. “No. Two minutes.”
“God,” Bella hissed. “Since when are six minutes, like, fifteen minutes long?”
Sasha’s and Bella’s faces each took up half of my computer screen, which was sitting open on top of my toilet. Sasha let out a whimper. “Ugh. I wish I could be there with you, you poor button.”
“I wish you’d told me. I would have gone with you,” Bella added.
The truth was, I didn’t want to involve my friends in my bullshit any more than I already had. I’d already been dragged under the Varassos’ imposing shadow, and the last thing I needed was for them to be cloaked as well.
Alessandro’s smile crept into my mind, and I pushed it away. As soon as I made empty space, the scene of him on his knees, begging me to stay, took its place. I buried my head against my knees as though it would stop my thoughts from coming, but no matter what I did, Alessandro was there. My skin was remembered every place that he had touched me, and my lips tingled, missing the feeling of his lips. I’d kept my guard up for so long, and refused to let him or anyone else shove my car into another lane. I knew who I was, and I knew what I was doing. Who was I now? What was I doing? Sitting on a bathroom floor, waiting to receive what could possibly be the worst news of my entire young life? Why did I suddenly want my mom?
“Now?” Bella asked. “I’ve been watching the clock, and it has definitely been two minutes.”
I glanced at my phone, which still had an illuminated three and zero on it. “Thirty seconds.”
“You can check it early. It can take up to six minutes, not definitely six minutes,” Sasha said. “I Googled it.”
“I’m gonna wait,” I replied.
We sat in silence as the final few seconds ticked down, and then my phone went off. Even as the tone rang, I sat there unmoving.
“Willow?” Sasha asked.
I stared up at the small white stick up on the bathroom counter. I didn’t want to look at it. It didn’t matter what I saw, it wasn’t going to make me happy.
“Willie?” Bella murmured.
My phone was going off, echoing through my bathroom in a blast of arrogant noise that was somehow getting louder and getting quieter. I didn’t have control of my limbs. I was pressuring myself to move, but nothing was happening. I was cemented in place.
“It’s okay, sweetie. No matter what happens, we’re gonna be here for you,” Sasha said.
“Take your time,” Bella added. “We’re not going anywhere.”
“What if it’s positive?” I whispered. “What if I’m pregnant?”
I couldn’t bring a baby into the world, poisoned with Varasso blood. That baby would never be free. He would always feel the crushing weight to rise to the occasion of the empire his father and his brothers built. My baby would have that mean streak, the one that could bring a man to do what Alessandro was planning to do. My baby would be Luca Varasso’s nephew. My baby would be Angelo Varasso’s grandchild. Would I forever look at my own baby and be reminded of the world I’d been forced into? The one that took my father, my mother, my brother, and the love of my life? Could I keep the truth from my child for his entire life? Give my child my last name, say his father was dead, and never face the truth? Would that even work? If Alessandro found out the baby existed, what if he came for him like Angelo took Gabriel? What if he took my baby from me?
“Breathe, Willow.”
I didn’t even realize how heightened it’d become. How constricted my windpipe felt, like one of the Varasso brothers had their hands clasped firmly around my throat. Of course, if I was really pregnant, then one of them would.
“Sasha, can you get there?” Bella asked.
“Yeah. I’m leaving the red carpet now. It’ll take a couple of hours, so just hang in there, okay?” Sasha said.
“No, I’m okay,” I mumble
d back, all the nerves in my body dead and weak. “I’m okay.” I took a deep breath and stood up from the bathroom floor. I walked over to the pregnancy test, which I had deliberately left face down on the counter.
“Okay,” I said aloud, “one, two, three.” I flipped the stick and felt my world flip upside down. Two bright pink lines looked back at me. “It’s positive.”
“Shut up,” Bella replied. “Are you sure?”
I dropped to my knees in front of the toilet, my eyes already collecting tears. I held the reading end of the stick up to the camera. Both Bella and Sasha leaned in, and then their hands went to their mouths.
“Oh my god,” Sasha said. “Damn.”
I dropped to my bottom and stared at the stick in my hand. Was it my greatest dream or my worst nightmare? For days on end, I dreamed of having a family with Alessandro. I saw the way he was with Anna and Antonio and knew from the depths of me that he was going to make a great father, but now…? Could a man who would kidnap three children for something they didn’t do honestly be a good father? I’d only ever heard the Varassos say awful things about their dad, and with the way Luca behaved, he was due to fall right in line. I didn’t know how Marco was as a father, but I also knew he was in the witness protection program, living under a completely different name. Did being a good father and being on the run overlap on a Venn diagram? I wasn’t so sure.
“Okay, stay calm,” Bella hummed. “He doesn’t even have to be involved.”
“He will be,” I whispered. “It’s the one thing the Varassos swear by—family. If he finds out I have his baby, he’ll take it from me.”
“He wouldn’t,” Sasha said. “He loves you.”
“He’s about to take three children who he doesn’t even give a shit about, Sash,” I cried. “If he actually has a tie to my baby, he’ll definitely take it.”
“He can’t do that,” Bella said. “You have rights, and the state will protect you. All the things you’ve seen and heard, all you have to do is threaten to go to the police, and they’ll back off.”
“They don’t back off from problems, Bella. They take care of them.” It was already happening. The confusing and terrifying world of ducking the Varassos. How was I ever going to protect a baby from them? “I can’t keep it.”
“Aw, but honey, you’ve always wanted a baby. You talk about it all the time,” Sasha explained.
“Yeah, and you’ve always told me that you would die defending a woman’s right to abort, but you could never do that,” Bella added.
My throat burned, and my head throbbed. “I don’t know what to do. I can’t bring this baby into the world. I can’t.”
“Well, whatever you decide, we’ll support you,” Sasha said.
“Agreed,” Bella said. “Promise us you’ll sleep on it. Don’t make any decisions while you’re so amped up.”
I nodded, even though my mind was pretty much made up. “I will.”
“Are you going to tell Ricky?” Sasha asked.
I’d been thinking about that for the past hour as well. Ricky was my brother, my twin brother. I remembered that story my mom told me about the way we’d been when we were younger. If it was between the Varassos and me, would Ricky have my back over theirs? When I thought of who I would want by my side as I terminated my pregnancy, it was Ricky.
“I don’t know,” I replied. “I’m afraid he’ll tell Sandro.”
“Do you really think he would do that to you?” Bella asked. “He’s your brother, after all.”
I hated that I didn’t know. “I can’t say for sure. He’s really close with the Varassos, especially Alessandro.” Tears filled my eyes again. Each time they dried completely, they started up again. “I gotta go. I need to lie down.”
“I’ll be back in town tomorrow, babe, and I’m coming straight there. I’m not even going home, okay? Just hang in there, and call if you need anything,” Sasha sang.
“Night or day,” Bella tacked on. “I don’t care if it’s two in the morning.”
“I promise,” I said. “I love you guys.”
“Love you!” they resounded, and I ended the call.
I carried my computer out into my living room, unsure of what to do. I couldn’t believe I was actually pregnant. How could I be so stupid? I started to Google abortion clinics near me, and when I clicked on a page, I was smacked in the face by pictures of sympathetic doctors and about a million different choices. I was instantly overwhelmed. I definitely couldn’t do it alone. I loved Sasha and Bella, and they were my best friends, but they weren’t who I wanted by my side. I wanted my brother. My idiotic, throwing rocks at my window because he thinks it’s a sign of friendship, not romance, brother.
I reopened my video chat app and clicked his picture. It was a silly picture of him sticking his tongue out and wearing a fake mustache from some costume party he’d been to. When the feed went live, and I saw his face, I immediately started crying.
“Hey, hey,” he comforted. “I know that it’s hard. Breakups aren’t easy, especially ones like these.” He sighed. “I wished you’d let me come back with you.”
I sniffled. “Me too.”
“You’ll get over Sandro one day, trust me. I know it doesn’t feel like that now but—”
“Ricky, I’m pregnant.”
His voice dropped off. He stared back at the screen as though I’d just told him I was actually an alien. “W-what?”
“I’m pregnant.” I held up the stick. “With a baby.”
“Holy crap,” he whispered. “I mean, I assume it’s Sandro’s?” I nodded. “Wow. Have you told him yet?”
“No,” I murmured back, “and I’m not going to.”
Ricky shook his head. “Willow, I know that he hurt you, but you can’t keep his baby from him. The baby deserves to know their father.”
“The baby won’t know anything. I’m not keeping it.”
Ricky’s lips pursed closed again. “You’re not?” he huffed out, barely opening his mouth to do so.
“How can I keep this baby? I can’t do this with Alessandro, but if he finds out that I have it, he’s going to want to be involved. He’s planning to kidnap children, Ricky. I can’t expose a baby to that.” Ricky didn’t say anything, and I whimpered. “Say something, Ricky.”
“If that’s what you think is best, then I support you, obviously.” He rubbed his hand through his hair. “When are you doing it?”
“I’d like to do it as soon as possible,” I said. “And I want you here with me. I can’t do it alone.”
“I’ll buy a ticket right now,” Ricky said without hesitation. “I’ll be there tonight.”
I nearly started crying again from relief. “Thank you so much.”
“You don’t have to thank me, Willow. You’re my sister, my rock. I’d do anything for you,” He replied.
“Then I need you to do one more, really important thing for me,” I said. “You cannot tell Sandro or any of the Varassos that I’m pregnant. They’ll try to interfere if they know.”
“I want to be offended that you would even think I would, but I get it.” He leaned a little closer to the camera. “You have my word. I won’t say a word to a soul.”
“Thank you.” I was relieved to know that I meant more than the family to someone at least. “I’ll see you soon.”
“As soon as I can get there, kid. Get some rest.”
I nodded. “I will. Love you.”
“Love you, too.”
I closed my laptop, set it on the table, and fell back against the couch. I rested my hand over my stomach as sadness consumed me. “I’m sorry, little one. You didn’t ask for this.”
I closed my eyes and imagined myself having the baby instead. I pictured a little girl with curls like mine and Ricky’s, but Alessandro’s piercing eyes. She’d have his blazing tongue and my sharp wit, and she would be a goddamn force to be reckoned with.
I imagined us living in a little house not far from the beach, sitting on the back porch and enjoy
ing a glass of lemonade while Alessandro fought his way through assembling a playset that he knew he could put together without the instructions, so he’d thrown them away and was now angrily trying to figure out where the last screw went. I smiled, thinking about him pacing a hole in the living room floor while he waited for her to get home from her first date, or biting back tears during her graduation, because he was a strong man, and strong men didn’t cry. I saw us sitting in the living room with him, curled up on the couch on a lazy Sunday afternoon, investing way too much time in the news of far off places that didn’t affect us, and getting into piddly arguments about what we thought before laughing it off when our daughter calls us old. There was such a beautiful life waiting for us on a tangential reality, but that life would never come to pass. I was doomed from the moment I met Alessandro Varasso, and I refused to doom another life as well.
22
Alessandro
“You with us, Sandro?”
I looked up at Luca, Molly, and Gabriel, who were all looking back at me with deep-seated concern.
“I’m here,” I replied.
Luca locked his fingers together and set his hands on top of his desk. “Do you need to take a day or two?”
I shook my head. “I’m good.”
When Willow left, she took everything I had with her. All of the joy I felt was still sitting in the places I’d last gotten to be with her. Her sparkling, diamond eyes and sweet smile had been replaced by her look of anguish, the last thing I saw before she left for California again. There was probably a time when my dad felt like he had something to look forward to every day, too, then he cheated on my mom, and that was the nail in the coffin. The only thing that kept him on the comfortable side of sanity was the way she made him feel, and once she stopped trusting him, he slowly started to solidify until he was nothing but a spiked crag. I was already undergoing the transformation. I was never going to escape the life, and my single spark of light had been snuffed out. What was the point of keeping anything in me besides what it took to be the steely killer my father had always wanted me to be?
