The Lost Daughter of Liverpool: A heartbreaking and gritty family saga (The Mersey Trilogy Book 1)

by Pam Howes

  CHAPTER 30

  Dora sat with her back against the headboard, feeding Jackie and feeling numb. What if that worm had crawled into her baby’s mouth, or tried to get up her nose or down her ears? It didn’t bear thinking about.

  Mam came into the room with a cup of tea. ‘I’ve put an extra sugar in it. Are you okay, love? You’re white as a sheet.’

  ‘Why did she do it, Mam?’

  ‘I’ve told her off. She’s only little, love, not even three yet. She didn’t know it was wrong. Kids play with worms all the time and come to no harm. I’ve put all the bedding through the boiler and it’s on the line. I’ve cleaned the cradle with Dettol, as I know it’s what you would have done, and I’ve put fresh bedding on.’

  ‘Thank you, Mam. She’s such a little monkey, always doing something naughty.’ Dora closed her eyes wearily. ‘I know she feels a bit left out, she was the apple of Joe’s eye and now she has to share him. Would you mind taking her home with you tonight?’

  ‘Of course, love. She can sleep over and then I’ll fetch her back tomorrow afternoon.’

  ‘Thank you, Mam.’

  Joe banged on the kitchen window and beckoned for Carol to come inside. She was pushing a doll’s pram up and down the garden path in her pyjamas. Dora’s mam had filled him in on the worm incident and it had made him smile until he realised what effect it had had on Dora, who had remained in their bedroom since. She refused to budge even to eat her tea. Joe sighed as Carol ignored him.

  He felt worried that it seemed to be happening again. He was losing his wife to wherever it was she went in her head after giving birth. He went outside, wrestled Carol away from the pram and carried her kicking and screaming indoors. She was sulking because she wanted to go to stay with Ganny and Uncle Frank as she’d been promised she could, but he’d put his foot down and said she had to stay here otherwise she’d feel more pushed out, if that’s what the problem was.

  He was in the routine of bathing her and reading her a bedtime story and he felt it was important to carry on doing that. He bounced her onto the bed and removed her slippers.

  ‘Want a story, Daddy,’ she demanded.

  He started reading her favourite story and before Goldilocks had even sat on baby bear’s chair she was out like a light. He crept from the room and closed the door.

  Dora was feeding Jackie as Joe came into their room. She half-smiled as he announced that Carol was asleep. ‘Good.’ She patted the bed beside her and Joe sat down and took her hand.

  ‘I’m worried about you, Dora,’ he began.

  ‘I’m fine. Mam told you what that naughty little madam did, I suppose? Joe, if you’d seen the size of that worm. What if it had crawled into Jackie’s mouth?’ She shuddered.

  ‘I know, love, and she won’t do it again. But you need to try and relax a bit. We’re not a hospital with strangers bringing in germs. We’re your family, we live here and Jackie’s a part of you and me. She’ll build up her own resistance to germs and stuff in time if you let her. And the doctor told you that breastfeeding is giving her the best start in life that you possibly can. You won’t even let me cuddle her and that hurts me, you know, that you feel I’m not clean enough to look after my own baby.’

  Dora’s eyes filled. He was right, but she couldn’t help the way she felt. The terror of losing another baby was with her day and night. ‘I’m trying to relax but it’s not easy. I’m just so scared of anything happening to her, Joe. I couldn’t bear to lose her.’

  She heard him sigh as he folded his arms around her.

  Dora looked up and smiled as her mam showed Agnes in. ‘What a lovely surprise. Come and sit down.’ She moved up on the sofa and Agnes sat beside her, holding her red-haired Patsy. ‘How are you doing?’

  ‘I’m fine. Tired, but she’s settling a bit better at night now. How’s Jackie doing?’

  ‘Okay.’ Dora’s arms tightened protectively around her baby as Agnes leant across to take a peek.

  The pair swapped baby stories while Dora’s mam took Carol out to the shops.

  ‘How are you coping with two to look after?’ Agnes asked.

  ‘Well Mam’s here most of the time,’ Dora said. ‘But she said she’s cutting down her days for coming over after next week. I’m just going to have to get used to it, I suppose. I can manage Jackie fine. Carol plays me up a bit, but then she always has done.’

  ‘She’s just full of beans,’ Agnes said, laughing. ‘You’ll have to take her out to the park and let her run off some of that energy.’

  ‘I suppose so.’ Dora could think of nothing worse. All those kids on the swings and slide, full of snotty noses and germs, and Carol catching something nasty and passing it on to the baby.

  ‘Here you go, swap babies,’ Agnes said, holding out little Patsy. ‘Your Jackie looks so much bigger than the last time I saw her. She must be gaining well. Patsy lost a few ounces in the first couple of weeks, but she’s gained it back.’

  Dora chewed her lip and didn’t respond to the baby swap. Agnes didn’t pursue it. Dora didn’t really look herself. There seemed to be no enthusiasm in her and she looked a bit bedraggled, her dress stained down the front and her hair unkempt. That wasn’t like Dora, who was always so immaculate.

  She tried again. ‘Are you still breastfeeding? I’m struggling, I’ve got sore nipples, and it’s agony, so I’m topping up with a bottle now.’

  Dora raised her eyes away from Jackie’s face and shook her head. ‘Be careful. You don’t know what they put in it.’

  ‘Who?’ Agnes frowned.

  ‘Anyone who makes the bottle up for you. Germs and stuff. It’s really dangerous.’

  ‘But it’s me that makes the bottles.’ Agnes shook her head. ‘It’s perfectly safe, Dora. Everything gets boiled to sterilise it.’

  ‘Well you don’t know what comes out of the taps. All those war bombs and poisons in the air from the Germans might have ruined the water in the reservoirs.’

  ‘The government wouldn’t allow us to drink it if anything was wrong. There’d be warnings everywhere.’

  Dora lowered her eyes again and remained silent. Agnes felt uncomfortable. Something was very wrong with her friend. Dora’s mam had gone to the shops now and taken Carol with her so they could have a nice natter and catch up with each other’s news. Mary had confided on the phone that she was worried her daughter wasn’t well again. She’d explained briefly about the cleaning obsession, and the worm in the cradle episode. Agnes had promised to phone Mary later with her thoughts.

  Dora looked up now. ‘If I tell you something, will you keep it to yourself?’

  ‘Of course I will. What is, Dora?’ Dora’s face was a mask of fear; as though she was struggling with something inside that she could hardly bear to admit.

  She looked over her shoulder and around the room, and seemed to be checking they were alone. Then her eyes rested on a framed photo of Joanie on the mantelpiece.

  ‘I think Carol’s trying to hurt Jackie,’ Dora said in a low voice. ‘I’ve spoken to Joanie and she thinks so as well. She says it was her fault Joanna died, for being the bigger twin. She says Carol took all the oxygen before they were born. I can’t tell Mam or Joe because they’ll just say I’m going mad, but I’m not. Carol is jealous of Jackie and is going to harm her. But me and Joanie will protect her.’

  Agnes took a deep breath, unsure of how to deal with this. ‘Dora, don’t you think you might be just overtired and imagining all that? Let the family help you and catch up on some sleep.’

  Dora looked at her with a resigned expression. ‘I daren’t sleep. I have to watch over Jackie all the time. I’m telling you, Carol’s jealous and I need to keep them apart.’

  Mary put down the phone and chewed her lip. Agnes had left as soon as Mary got back, with a worried look on her face and a promise to ring later.

  Agnes seemed convinced the depression was deeper this time. She confided that Dora had told her she was certain Carol was out to harm the baby and that’s why
she couldn’t bear to let Jackie out of her sight. Then Agnes chilled Mary to the bone when she told her that she was worried Dora might harm Carol if she thought she was a threat to Jackie’s safety.

  Mary looked in on her daughter, who was on the bed, holding Jackie to her breast as usual. She didn’t even look up; just sat there with an empty expression in her eyes. Carol was down at Dolly’s playing with Alice. She closed the door to Dora’s bedroom and went to the phone, and left a message at the canteen for Joe to call her as soon as possible. Then she quickly ran down the street to Dolly’s and asked if Carol could stay for a while as Dora wasn’t well and she was going to get the doctor out.

  ‘Is it her mind again?’ Dolly asked in an exaggerated whisper. ‘Only I was saying to my Eric only yesterday that Dora doesn’t seem right in the ’ead again at the moment.’

  ‘I’m not sure.’ Mary dashed back to the bungalow just as the phone started to ring. She snatched up the receiver. It was Joe.

  ‘Come home, please. Jackie’s okay, but we need to get help for Dora.’ She heard a sharp intake of breath.

  ‘I’m on my way.’

  Dora drew her knees up to her chest and hugged them. Jackie lay beside her on the bed. She’d just heard her mam on the phone to Joe, telling him that she was worried about her, saying they needed help. At last they were taking her seriously. Maybe they’d call Doctor Owens, who would know what to do about Carol being a threat to Jackie’s safety. Something had to be done before the baby came to any harm. Dora felt helpless, trying to protect her on her own. She cocked an ear. Her mam was talking to someone on the phone again. Hopefully it was the doctor.

  Doctor Owens arrived at the same time as Joe turned the corner of Hedgefield Road on his motorbike. Dora’s mam was waiting anxiously on the doorstep, wringing her hands. She put her finger to her lips and led them both into the sitting room, closing the door.

  ‘She’s in the bedroom with the baby,’ she told them and explained her fears and what Agnes had reported to her. ‘I feel terrible doing this behind her back, but we can’t carry on ignoring it.’ Tears rolled down her cheeks and Joe pulled her close.

  ‘You did the right thing, Mam,’ he said, a catch in his voice. ‘Don’t worry. She needs help again, although it breaks my heart to admit it.’

  ‘You stay there, Joe. I don’t want to put the fear of God in her when she sees you home from work so early. Doctor can say he’s just popped in to see Jackie because she needs weighing, or something. Is that okay with you, Doctor?’

  Doctor Owens nodded his head and followed Mary into the hall. She knocked on the bedroom door. ‘Dora, chuck, Doctor Owens just wants a little chat with you. I’m letting him in now.’

  Mary rejoined Joe in the sitting room. ‘Sit down, love, I’ll make you a cuppa.’

  But Joe followed her into the kitchen, unable to just sit and do nothing. ‘So tell me what’s happened and why you’ve brought the doctor in.’

  Mary related Agnes’s observations and what Dora had confided to her friend. Joe went white and Mary pushed him down onto the stool in the corner.

  ‘Jesus. We need to make sure Carol is safe, never mind Jackie,’ he said, his voice filled with disbelief. ‘Where is Carol, by the way?’

  ‘With Dolly. I’m going to pop down there now you’re here. I think they’ll take our Dora into hospital, but if they do she’ll be pumped full of sedatives or something, like last time, so she won’t be able to feed Jackie and it’s my guess she won’t be allowed to take the baby in with her. God knows how we’re going to manage. She’ll go hysterical if they try and take Jackie away. I don’t want Carol to see that. I’ll ask Dolly to keep her for now, and overnight if needs be. Did you know she’d started talking to Joanie’s photo?’

  Joe nodded. ‘Yes, I’ve heard her. I thought it was helping her, but now I’m not so sure. How will we manage to look after Jackie if Dora has to go away?’

  ‘We’ll have to cope between us. Fortunately she sleeps a lot and if they do sedate Dora, we’ll have to bottle feed her. Poor little mite.’

  Dora hugged her baby close as she gazed blankly at the doctor. ‘Did they tell you? Have you come to help us? Carol wants to harm her. Joanie told me. But I won’t let her do it.’

  Doctor Owens took her hand. ‘I’m here to help you, Dora. I promise you, nothing bad is going to happen to your baby.’ He lifted his black bag onto the bed and she stared at it with wild eyes.

  ‘No,’ she screamed. ‘Move that bag away. It will be covered in germs from all your patients’ houses.’ She began to cry hysterically. The doctor was in on it too – and she had thought he was someone she could trust. They were all out to harm her baby. It wasn’t just Carol, it was all of them.

  ‘I’m just going to give you a little injection that will help your milk to flow better for feeding Jackie. Just try to relax for me,’ he said, taking hold of her arm.

  Before she could say anything Dora felt a slight pricking sensation in her arm as he injected her with a powerful sedative. She felt her eyes closing and her grip on Jackie loosened.

  Doctor Owens removed the baby from her arms and carried her through to Joe and Mary. ‘I’ve given her a strong sedative that will keep her asleep for a while,’ he said, handing the baby to her grandmother. ‘Now we’ve two choices here. Dora is suffering from the early stages of a paranoiac nervous condition better known as Puerperal Insanity. She needs careful handling, but I’m not certain that a hospital environment is the right one for her. I can admit her, or I can leave her in the care of her family and visit each day to see how she gets along. She’ll need regular sedation and someone will have to take over caring for the children.’

  Joe nodded. ‘How long will she be like this, Doctor? She seems worse than last time.’

  ‘She is, and I can’t say how long, Mr Rodgers. It could be months. But I have to warn you, some women never get over this type of depression. If she doesn’t show signs of improvement over the next month then I will have no choice but to have her sectioned and the treatment would be quite tough. At the moment it’s not a road I want to go down and it would be a last resort. For the time being, I would suggest that she moves in with you, Mrs Evans. Is that something you think you can cope with? She will sleep for most of the day while her mind heals itself. When she’s awake she can still have contact with Jackie, but she will need to bottle feed as the sedatives would affect the baby. I think it’s better that we don’t deny her contact with Jackie, which would happen if we have to hospitalise her.’

  Mam sighed and wrung her hands in an agitated fashion. ‘I can look after her, that’s not a problem; and Jackie too. Our Frank will be there at night to help me. But what about our Carol?’

  ‘I’ll sort Carol out,’ Joe said, close to tears. ‘Dolly will help me with her, I’m sure. Just do whatever is best for Dora and the rest we’ll deal with as best we can.’

  Doctor Owens nodded. ‘I know it’s quite disturbing for relatives to see their loved ones in a state like this. All we can do is hope that Dora responds and we can get her back to normal as soon as possible.’

  CHAPTER 31

  JULY 1950

  Dora smiled as her mam handed Jackie to her. It was a beautiful day and the baby had just woken up from sleeping in the pram in Mam’s back garden. At four months old Jackie’s limbs had filled out to a plump softness and her fluffy blonde hair was settling into soft waves. Her bright blue eyes stared trustingly into Dora’s and she felt a rush of love for her youngest daughter. Although she still felt anxious about her welfare and safety, she could relax more when there was only herself and Mam around.

  ‘I’ll just get her bottle ready, love.’

  Dora nodded and sat back on the sofa. She felt a bit fuzzy from the sedatives she took daily, but at least they had a calming effect on her and she was able to cope with caring for Jackie without always feeling that something awful was going to happen. Joe would be here to visit tomorrow with Carol. She missed him and her daughter too, but
according to her mam and Frank, who popped around to see Joe after work most nights, they were doing okay with help from Dolly.

  Her brother was a rock to Dora. He kept her company when her mam was asleep, and had even given up his bedroom for her and the baby, while he slept on the sitting room sofa or at one of his mates’ houses.

  The first few weeks had been difficult when Joe visited, as Dora had felt it was his fault she was here and no longer able to breastfeed Jackie. When he’d tried to hold her and told her he missed her, she couldn’t respond and pushed him away. She knew her condition made her irrational and Joe ignoring her accusations and trying to jolly her along and change the subject only served to irritate her further. Last week she’d asked him to bring Joanie’s photo, but her mam had intervened and said not to, which upset her because Mam had told him that her talking to it wasn’t good for her recovery. Maybe she’d ask him again tomorrow when her mam’s back was turned. She looked up as Mam brought Jackie’s bottle in and handed it to her.

  ‘I think we’ll take her for a little walk down the lane later in the pram,’ Mam announced. ‘There’s a summer fair on at the village hall. It’ll do you good to get out and see a few people.’

  Dora felt a rush of panic settle over her. ‘Oh, I’m not sure.’ She didn’t feel ready for talking to anyone other than her close family. And no matter how much she fought it, the thoughts of people looking into the pram and breathing all over her baby made her feel positively queasy. She took a couple of deep breaths and popped the teat into Jackie’s eager mouth. ‘I’ll think about it while I feed her,’ she said, knowing full well what her choice would be.

  ‘I’ll nip down myself then if you don’t feel up to it. I need a breath of fresh air and a bit of company.’

  Joe sat down on a park bench and lit a cigarette. Carol ran off towards the swings and a group of little girls she’d spotted, her neat plaits bouncing on her shoulders and the pink coolie hat Agnes had bought her in Blackpool cocked at a rakish angle on her head. She’d turned three two weeks ago and Dolly had kindly thrown her a little birthday party in the garden. Dolly had been a rock and looked after Carol each day while he went to work. Dora’s mam had her hands full looking after Dora and Jackie during the week, and he couldn’t have coped without either of them.