Hot Blooded

by Lake, Jessica

  "Yes, Callum," I gasped."Yes. Please. I want you to-"

  I listened to my own voice dissolve into a moan as he slammed himself into me again, as deep as he could go, and I could see the void approaching out of the corner of my eye.

  "Good," he panted, his hot, quick breath on my neck, "because I'm not going to be able to keep this up for much - oh God-" I opened my mouth for his tongue as his words disappeared before he could finish them. "I - Lily, I can't, fuck, I can't keep this under control for much longer."

  As usual, seeing him get there was the thing that got me there. I always wanted time to slow down when Callum was like that - when his eyes squeezed shut and his mouth fell open and I could feel every muscle in his body preparing for what was coming. I just wanted to take in every little detail of his expression and every deep, ragged groan coming out of his mouth.

  The first pulse radiated out from deep inside, sending my body arching up off the bed. My legs forced themselves open even wider, every part of me desperate for the maximum amount of him.

  "Callum - I -"

  "Come, Lily. Come for me, baby. I love you."

  I buried my face in Callum's neck and came, screaming his name as my sex twitched and pulsed around him. He was there a second later, hunching his shoulders up over me and moaning as his hips held me down, giving me the thing I needed so much. Every time I thought I was finished, another little shudder of ecstasy would tighten me around him again until finally the ripples of pleasure ebbed away and I lay there, panting, unable to move even if I wanted to.

  Callum lay down beside me, but I didn't have time to turn to him before a thick wave of fatigue washed over me. My eyelids suddenly felt weighted down. I was asleep before I even had time to fight it.

  It was nighttime when I woke up and the bedroom was dark. I was alone, but I could hear Callum in the kitchen. I awkwardly pulled on a long t-shirt, clamping my teeth together as I forced my injured hand through the sleeves. Callum looked up as I wandered barefoot into the kitchen, and I watched his thoughtful expression dissolve into a wide grin.

  "Hello, sleeping beauty. I thought you may have slipped into a coma. It's not unheard of after a woman has had Callum Cross, you know."

  "Is that so? Those poor women, Callum. Did they ever wake up?"

  He was chopping vegetables. I was certain I hadn't bought vegetables.

  "Did you go to the shops?"

  "No. I got this delivered. You need to eat something better than takeaway pizza, Lily. You need to eat something healthy."

  "OK, food police," I said, walking around behind him and wrapping my arms around his waist. "I'll do whatever you say."

  "Food police. That's nothing, Lily. I'm the one in bed with the real police."

  I head-butted him gently in the lower shoulder-blades and kissed him through his t-shirt. "Does that bother you?"

  Callum kept chopping vegetables. "No. I mean, it doesn't bother me because it's you. It would bother me if it was anyone else. You met my mum. I wasn't raised in a family that saw coppers as a helpful, decent bunch of people, to put it mildly."

  "I know. I just - you haven't really said much about my, well, my not being truthful with you about who I was at first. I'm worried you're going to wake up one day and realize you hate me."

  I still had my arms tightly wrapped around him. He reached down and loosened my grip, then turned around to face me.

  "I could never hate you, Lily. That's just not a thing I'm capable of. I don't think I could hate you if your hobby was punching me in the face a hundred times a day."

  "Callum, I'm serious. I'm worried that - I don't know - I'm worried that you're being blinded by sex right now. Or something like that."

  I knew he wasn't going to like that comment, but I had to say it, mostly because I was worried. I was worried about all sorts of things, not just the fact that I'd spent weeks misleading him about who I was. I was worried about our age difference. And the fact that our lines of work seemed to be fundamentally incompatible on more than a few levels. He hadn't been in a serious, long-term relationship before, so I worried that he didn't understand how the things you find charming and quirky in a person at first can sometimes morph into something else once you start to get too familiar, too settled into the routine of being with that person.

  As I was going over all the reasons to worry in my head, Callum bent down and kissed the top of my head.

  "Don't do that, Lily."

  "What? What am I doing?"

  "You're doing that thing you do - that thing women do. That thing where you calculate all the possible negative outcomes of a given scenario and ignore the positive ones. And then torture yourself with the what-ifs."

  I stepped back, slightly surprised by the sudden and frighteningly accurate insight.

  "How do you know so much about women if you've never been in a relationship?"

  "I've never been in a ‘watching Netflix together every night and living together relationship,’ Lily. But I've been in a lot of, uh, shorter term relationships. If you could call them that. Plus I'm just pretty good at observing people."

  Most of the time when someone claimed they were good at observing people I’d just smile and nod. Almost everyone I’d ever met thought they were good at it, the way everyone thinks they're good drivers and have above-average intelligence. But Callum - he was just right. He was good at watching people, reading between the lines, interpreting body language.

  "You know what?" I asked him.

  "What?"

  "You’d probably be a really good cop."

  He laughed. "I don't know about that."

  "No, I mean it. You're really good at figuring people out. That's actually a big part of the job. I should ask Akin if you can join our team."

  "Please don't."

  He scraped the chopped vegetables into a sauté pan and asked me if I had any olive oil.

  "Yeah, in the cupboard above the stove. What are you making, anyway?"

  "Ratatouille," he said, smiling at the look on my face. "Impressed?"

  "A little bit, yeah," I teased, "I can't even make toast. Not without burning it, anyway."

  "Well I'm sure you'll think this is stupid, but I actually really like cooking. I'm not terrible at it, either, I'll have you know. There's something about being able to see what you've made, right there in front of you. It's oddly relaxing."

  I hopped up onto one of the stools that faced the kitchen island so I could watch Callum stir the chopped vegetables.

  "Why would I think that's stupid?" I asked."I think it's kind-of awesome. Good-looking, good in bed, good at cooking, is there nothing wrong with you, Callum?"

  "Well, I might be going to prison. That's not exactly perfect man material, is it?"

  He was facing away from me when he said this, but I felt the emotional temperature in the room get serious. "I don't think you're going to prison," I told him."Akin is on your side. I'm pretty sure he can help work out some kind of community service or probation deal."

  Callum turned around. "And what if he can't?"

  I looked down at the floor. "I don't know. Even if you do have to go to prison, I don't think it’ll be for long. If you testify against the Streatham guys, I mean. You're willing to do that, aren't you?"

  "Yes, I'm willing to testify. This isn't a fucking Hollywood movie and anyway, Gazza's dead. But I'm going to have to move, you know. Probably to somewhere else in London - maybe even outside of it. I've never lived anywhere else, and I never thought I'd have to. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm responsible for the choices I made, but it sucks, Lily."

  "I know it does," I said, gently. "I know. But it's better than prison. You still have your mum and your brother. And your friends who weren't involved in the Streatham Club. And me."

  "Do I? Do I 'have' you, Lily?"

  I met Callum's eyes, examining them for signs of deception and seeing none. Was he really asking me that question? How could he not know?

  "What do you think? Why are you
even asking me that?"

  "What? Lily, are you surprised? We haven't talked about any of this. About anything that happens after all of this is sorted out. I know how much your career means to you. And I'm not an idiot, I know being with someone like me might not be the most helpful thing when it comes to your work."

  "You're right, we haven't talked about this. I haven't talked about it because I'm a coward. That's my reason."

  "You're not a coward, Lily." He turned towards me and gave me a stern look."You're many things, but you're not a coward."

  I slipped off the stool and made my way around the island to Callum's side as he stirred the vegetables sizzling in the pan. I wanted to be near him. I wanted to feel his solid, tangible presence next to me.

  "You're wrong. I am a coward. I'm not a coward at work, but that's work. I'm pretty much a huge coward in all other contexts."

  "So tell me what you're scared of, then," he asked, wrapping his free arm around me."What's so scary that you can't talk to me about it?"

  "Oh God." I pressed my face into Callum's upper arm, wishing he would just tell me, quickly and succinctly, how he felt about me and whether or not I should continue to get my hopes up about some kind of future together. "Callum!"

  "What?! Damnit, Lily, you know how I feel. I told you how I feel. It wasn't bullshit. I wasn't exaggerating. It was just the truth."

  "Was it?" I asked, looking up at him as well as I could without pulling my stitches.

  He turned to me suddenly, dropping the spoon into the vegetable mush, and grabbed me by the shoulders.

  "Lily Morgan. Look at me." He waited until I met his eyes. "OK, good. Now, you speak English, correct? You understood me when I told you I love you?"

  I nodded.

  "Are you sure? Because you seem pretty doubtful right now. And that's fine. If you're doubtful, I mean, that's fine. You feel whatever it is you feel. But if your doubt has anything to do with me or not being sure how I feel, let me clear that up for you. I love you. Lily, I love you. Look at me. I. Love. You. Do you understand?"

  I grinned - or, I tried to grin, but I could feel it crumbling off my face almost immediately. A funny thing happens when you get what you want. Callum had been righter than he knew when he told me I was one of those people who always sees the negatives, even when the positives are right in my face. And I was right when I told him I was a coward. I was so afraid he wasn't telling the truth, so worried he didn't mean it.

  "What's that look for?" He asked, kissing my forehead.

  "It's - oh, Callum. I'm such a damned idiot. You're telling me the one thing I want to hear. The one thing in the whole world I want to be true. And all my mind can do is spin about all the possible ways it could be wrong."

  He took my face in his hands and looked into my eyes. "Is that true, Lily? The part about it being the one thing you want to be true?"

  "Of course it is. You said it yourself - you're good at reading people. Don't tell me you're not aware of how I feel about you."

  "How do you feel about me?"

  I opened my mouth to reply, but nothing came out. I made a funny face and tried to turn away. Callum didn't let me.

  "Don't do that, Lily. I just pulled my heart out of my chest and put it on the table in front of you. The least you can do is give me the same. Even if I don't like it."

  "Jesus, Callum. I love you, too, OK? As if it weren't completely obvious."

  A big smile spread across Callum's face when he heard me say that. He held me there for a few more seconds, just looking at me.

  "Actually, it wasn't completely obvious, you div."

  "Don't call me a div."

  "Why? You are a div. And you don't even know what a div is."

  We stayed where we were until the smell of the veggies beginning to catch in the pan started to waft into the air and Callum had to turn his attention back to them. I looked around the kitchen. Everything looked the same as it had five minutes ago, before he'd confirmed - again - that he loved me. And before I'd told him the same. Same kitchen, same house, same city. But everything felt different. I didn't just feel happy - I was utterly elated. I half expected to float right off my feet and meander up to the ceiling like a dandelion seed on the breeze.

  Callum asked if I had any parmesan cheese.

  "Do you think I have parmesan cheese?" I retorted, grinning.

  "I think you should have been a lawyer, Lily. You're very good at answering a question with another question. And no, I don't think you have parmesan cheese. Is there a shop near here? Come get cheese with me, or this ratatouille is going to be - well, it's just going to be some cooked vegetables."

  So we went to get parmesan cheese together. And that sensation of being very close to floating away didn't leave me once. Callum held my hand, interlacing his fingers with mine, and I had never felt so safe and loved in my entire life.

  Chapter 26: Callum

  I stayed with Lily for two weeks as we waited. Waited to hear whether or not I was going to be charged - and if so, with what. Waited for Lily to hear whether or not she was going to be demoted at work. Waited for me to decide what I was going to do now that my previous life had been blown to pieces.

  We were lying in bed together one morning, both of us breathless and sweaty from our exertions, when I told Lily that I'd had quite a bit of interest about going pro before. I'd brought it up casually, but she knew it was anything but casual.

  "Really?" She asked, rolling over towards me. Was the effect she had on me ever going to lessen? Was I ever going to be able to see her face and not instantly turn to mush at the way her mouth curved up when she was interested in something?

  "Yeah, really. Gazza was dead set against it and, well, I'm lazy. It was easy at Streatham. I fought, my flat was free and the rest of my time was my own. I don't know, I didn't really fancy going professional. That would involve managers and training and high protein diets. It just sounded like bullshit. But someone actually called me - yesterday - to talk about it. He wants to meet tomorrow. I'm definitely thinking about it."

  "I think you should. Even if none of this had happened, is bare-knuckle illegal fighting at the Streatham Club all you wanted out of life? You're good enough to go pro. Pandora said you've never even come close to losing a fight before."

  For some reason, the 'is that all you ever wanted out of life' question bothered me.

  "Lily, it's not about 'is that all I ever wanted.' It's more about what I didn't want - what I still don't want. I don't want to be one of those people who just does what they're supposed to do. Who always thinks happiness is just around the corner - next paycheck, next week, next year. My teachers used to think it was youthful rebellion but it wasn't. It's something I gave some real thought to. But I'm good at fighting. I know I am. I've had quite a few people approach me over the years, and I bet that bastard Gazza chased some of them away before they even got to me. I've got to do something now. Why not something I can do, you know?"

  Lily watched me speak in that quiet, close way of hers. I used to get irritated, sometimes, by that level of attention. But I wasn’t irritated when it was from Lily. She was thinking about what to say in response when her phone rang. She leaned over the edge of the bed to fish it out of her jeans pocket.

  "Hello? Yes. Yes, sure. I, um, - no, it's fine. This afternoon? That's fine. Yes. OK. See you then."

  I suspected what the call was about already, but the nervous look on her face confirmed it.

  "Was that Akin?" I asked.

  "Yeah," she replied, "it was him."

  "This afternoon?"

  "Yeah."

  "Do you want me to come with you?"

  "No. I think I should go alone. I'll call you as soon as I hear."

  She was going into the station to talk to David Akin, her superintendent, about the rest of her career. Or if she even still had a career. After she left I went through my own phone, checking for messages from my solicitor, but there were none. If it hadn't been for Lily, the previous few
weeks would have been terrible. But Lily was there, so it wasn't. And naturally pessimistic though she was, her presence alone made it possible to believe that whatever happened, we would get past it.

  She loved me. I loved her. She was the first woman I had ever loved, after spending the first twenty-three years of my life half-convinced that love was just a lie fearful people told themselves. And because of that love, I knew we would be OK in the end.

  Three hours later, she called.

  "Callum?"

  "Yeah, Lily, how did it go?"

  "Are you hungry?"

  "Uh, yeah, a little. Are you going to tell me-"

  "Callum, I'll be home in half an hour. I'll pick something up for us to eat. Just wait until I get home, OK?"

  "OK, babe."

  I hung up. She didn't sound too bad. Certainly not like someone who had just been fired. That was good.

  She got in forty-five minutes later with a pile of styrofoam takeaway containers in her arms. I took them from her, put them on the counter and then led her into the sitting room.

  "Callum, the food’s going to get cold-"

  "Sit down, woman. Tell me what happened. And then we can talk about the fact that you live on takeaways."

  She sat down, trying and failing to keep the smile off her face.

  "It went well, then?" I prompted.

  "It did. It went really well. I'm not getting fired. I'm not even getting demoted. I'm on an official short leash for six months, but that's it. Akin made it clear he fought for me, so I owe him big time, but I'm OK with that."

  I wrapped my arms around her, but she pulled away.

  "Wait, I'm not done."

  "What else? Did they give you a raise, too?"

  "Ha ha, no. But Akin told me the prosecutor is going to give you your deal. Twelve months’ probation if you testify against the Karswells - and Mick and Dave Wilson. It's done, Callum."