Take My Hand

by Haken, Nicola

  “You’ll call me if you need me though right?”

  “Sure.” I think I’d officially just broken the most lies told in under a minute record.

  “Well I’ll see you later then,” she said dismally – feeling sorry for me no doubt. Her taxi honked outside and we both looked towards the window. “And if I don’t see you before your shift tonight, then good luck, Ho. You’ll be fantabulous!” Rachel grinned widely at me and I tried to do the same back, though I’m not sure how convincing it was. My guess is, not very. Then she wheeled towards the door and blew me a kiss before leaving for class.

  Once I was alone I yawned so loudly I’m sure I heard someone in Australia ask me to keep it down. My day of tears, nerves and tantrums was starting to take its toll on me, but I couldn’t go to sleep. I’d dealt with enough crap today without the added bonus of nightmares – or daymares whichever way you look at it. So, to keep my mind occupied and my body too busy to feel tired, I gathered the washing from the bathroom and set about separating it into colour coordinated piles.

  By the time I had to get ready for work I had washed, dried and ironed my half a basket of dirty clothes, and Rachel’s continuously growing two baskets. She’s such a slob sometimes. Good job I love her.

  **********

  I felt kind of stupid in my green apron. It clashed something awful with my red hair – I looked like a walking Christmas decoration. I was shadowing a guy called David and I swear he is Rachel with a penis. He’s loud-mouthed, confident and slightly intimidating. I can only hope, like Rachel, he’ll soften once I get to know him.

  “Believe me the names become second nature after a week or two,” David assured when he caught me scrutinising the menu. It was the first friendly thing he’d said since I started my shift three hours earlier. Not that he’d been mean before or anything, he just hadn’t really spoken to me… period. I suppose I felt paranoid seeing as he was chatting freely with everyone else around us. Maybe I was just overthinking it. It’s not like I’d really made the effort either.

  “Let’s hope so,” I replied. “I’m hoping to get the drinks down by the end of the week and then start on the food,” I added with a smile. I needed to get back into the swing of being sociable again before I lost all the skills I’d worked so hard to gain.

  “Ah, the food’s a piece of piss. There’s no fancy names to learn – it is what it is. They want a croissant? They ask for a croissant. Whereas they want a simple white coffee? They ask for a Caffé Misto.” David threw a mischievous smile my way and I could tell he thought the ridiculous names were pointless too.

  I may have judged David too early. I was warming to him already. Plus he was hot – like a younger Henry Cavill kind of hot. Rachel will most definitely swoon when she meets him. Actually on that note, I felt a little sorry for him. Once Rachel decides a guy is ‘fuckable’ as she so crudely puts it, the poor sod’s doomed.

  9 PM rolled around quicker than expected and apart from the fact my feet were throbbing like crazy, I was in a pretty good mood. I made the effort to talk to David more and the longer that went on, the more I liked him. I also learned the names of three other people working with us – Leah, Neil and Rachel. I decided to call her Rachel 2 in my head because I just knew that was going to start confusing the hell out of me.

  When I arrived home I kicked off my shoes before I’d even closed the door behind me. Rachel was lying on the couch watching…

  Dexter.

  Honestly you couldn’t make this crap up. I used to love that show too. I remember referencing to it when I first found out my Dexter’s name. Well he’s not my Dexter – but you get what I mean. I also remember the look he gave me – one like I’d just asked him to pop a zit on my bum cheek.

  I must’ve stared a little longer than necessary at the telly because Rachel switched it over to a F.R.I.E.N.D.S rerun immediately.

  “Look I know He Who Shall Not Be Named is making you all miserable right now, but in regards to the TV show you really need to get your head out your arse and catch up. You will not believe where the relationship with his sister seems to be heading.”

  When she saw I was purposely ignoring that comment she wisely changed the subject.

  “Wanna go out? Might cheer you up,” she suggested. I looked at my watch, even though I already knew what time it was from checking a minute or so earlier. Why do people do that? Or is it just me?

  “Out where? It’s half nine at night,” I replied. “Plus I’m exhausted,” I added, feeling like I could fall asleep stood up in the middle of the room.

  Sleep.

  I didn’t want to sleep.

  “Actually sure. Why not. Where you thinking?”

  “I don’t know. A bar maybe? Or a pub if you fancy something a little quieter?” I took a second to ponder, and I didn’t even realise my smile had dropped until Rachel started talking again. “It doesn’t have to be that pub,” she added. Jesus, why did my eyes have to start stinging? “You know what, maybe it does have to be that pub,” she declared, determination swamping her voice.

  “Eh?” I could tell by her steadfast expression she was devising some kind of master plan but I couldn’t think for the life of me what it was.

  “We like that pub. Our friend works at that pub. I miss that fucking pub! So why should we stay away because The American is behaving like a total fucktarding jerkarse wanker?”

  Because seeing him will probably make me want to run away and cry…

  Bloody hell I was being pathetic.

  “So, we’re gonna go to our pub, you’re gonna put your best my-life-couldn’t-be-any-better smile on your face, you’re gonna sit there looking sexy as hell and we’re going to ignore the fuck ugly bastard. Okay?” I raised a questioning eyebrow at her and she knew exactly what I meant by it. “K, so he’s hotter than fucking lava but we’re still gonna ignore the prick.”

  I smiled as I attempted to count the number of insults she’d just called him. I had to give up after three because she started drumming her fingers impatiently.

  “Go get changed then,” she ordered, shooing me away with her hand.

  “What about you?” I asked when she made no attempt to move. “Aren’t you getting ready?”

  “I’m always ready, Ho,” she replied with a wink. “I don’t need to plaster on a bucket full of makeup to know that I look smokin’ hot.” I giggled and shook my head. I’d always admired Rachel’s confidence. Then, swallowing the choking lump of nerves in my throat I playfully saluted her and turned towards the bedrooms.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Dexter

  I was replenishing the mixers when my heart stopped dead in my chest. My throat became swollen and every breath I dragged in took a humongous amount of effort.

  Emily.

  She was here.

  And she was fucking beautiful.

  I’d not seen or heard from her in over three weeks. She wanted something from me the last time we were together that I know I can’t ever give her. Honesty. It was better this way. I was stupid to think I could ever have a friend – I could ever deserve a friend. Never mind where that friendship might have headed if I hadn’t put an end to it.

  That’s just it though. I didn’t technically end anything. I just cut her off. At first I assumed she would forget I even existed after a day or two. Then after a week had passed I was almost certain she had. She hadn’t called me either – hadn’t asked to see why I wasn’t attending classes. She got a glimpse that night of what life with a recovering addict would be like, and any sane person would realize the rational decision would be to run the fuck away as far as you could.

  So even though I couldn’t stop thinking about her, or stop the strange pangs ripping the insides of my chest apart, or stop arguing back and forth with myself about whether I was doing the right thing… I believed absolutely it was best for Emily. I was confident that she was getting on with the new life she had planned and our friendship was nothing but one of those life lessons you prefer n
ot to dwell on.

  Until I saw her stroll in through the heavy double doors tonight with the saddest imitation of a smile etched onto her flawless face.

  “You want to take a break in the back?” Jared asked as if he understood the fact I was struggling to stay standing right now.

  “I’m good,” I lied through my worthless, good for nothing, inconsiderate back fucking teeth. I was completely torturing myself but I had to see her. I had to analyze every expression on her face. I had to see if she was going to smile – genuinely smile. I had to see if she was happy. And I had to make sure she’d forgotten all about me.

  Emily’s a difficult cover to judge though. She’s naturally uncomfortable in social situations so it was hard to tell if the reason behind her despondent expression was because she’d rather be at home watching Glee, or if I’d put that look on her face. I wanted to believe it was the former. I mean it’s pretty egotistical for me to think she was even giving me a second thought right? But unfortunately, experience has taught me that I have a natural talent for making people look like that. For letting people down. For hurting them. For destroying them…

  “Seriously, mate, go chill out in the back. You’re as much use as a chocolate fireguard out here,” Jared said, clapping my shoulder. I ignored him… I think. I don’t remember talking anyway. All I remember was staring at the table where Emily and Snickers were sitting. Snickers put her hand over Emily’s as she leaned in to whisper in her ear. Emily sighed and nodded. Then she shook her head – not as in saying ‘no’, but as in shampoo commercial kind of shaking – before plastering the fakest smile on her face.

  “Why don’t you just talk to her?” I ignored him again, wishing he’d just fuck the hell off outta my face. “This whole thing makes no fucking sense. You’re miserable. She’s miserable…” Whoa… that got my attention.

  “Wait,” I interrupted sharply. “Emily’s miserable? How do you know she’s miserable? Why is she miserable?” I fired at him. I would’ve kept going if he hadn’t silenced me with a hand in front of my face.

  “One – it’s fucking obvious. Look at her for God’s sake! Two – even if it wasn’t obvious, Rachel told me. And three – why do you think nobhead? Because for some unfathomable reason she really likes you and you’ve just cut her off like a selfish twatbag while you go around chasing the nearest piece of skirt you can get your mitts on!”

  “Since when do you talk to Rachel?” I asked, confused. It felt strange calling her that – she’ll always be Snickers to me. He opened his mouth to reply but I got in there first. “Hold up… skirt? What are you talking about?”

  “Emily knows about the girl you screwed last weekend. Turns out she’s in your psychopath class or something.”

  “Sociology,” I interjected before shaking my head and realizing that wasn’t the important part of this conversation.

  “I mean I get it - you’ve got needs ‘n’ all that shit. But doing it so close to home is just rubbing her nose in it. That’s kinda low, mate.”

  Fuck.

  “Fuck.”

  “Yeah… fuck indeed.”

  “No I mean… we didn’t. Fuck I mean. Oh fuck we just…” I trailed off, wiping my clammy forehead with my hand.

  “Fucked?”

  “Just stop with all the fucking!” I blared, causing twenty or so heads to jerk in my direction. Including Emily’s.

  “I need to talk to her.”

  “No shit,” he replied sounding altogether amused.

  “Actually no I don’t.” Why would I talk to her? What was the point of explaining? I’d made my decision. I’d let her go and I wouldn’t allow myself to reel her back.

  Not. Ever.

  I just wished that decision would stop hurting so goddamn much.

  “Ah, fuck this shit,” I spat, tossing the cloth over my shoulder onto the bar and stalking off into the back room.

  Most nights I couldn’t smell it – I’d become immune I guess. But tonight, the delicious and enticing scent of alcohol aroused each and every one of my senses. I could taste it. I could feel the cool glass in my trembling hand. I could feel the warmth trickling through my veins….

  “I’m such a fucking IDIOT!” I growled, knowing no one could hear. Then I threw myself face down across the torn leather couch and pressed a cushion over the back of my head.

  I moved here to escape - evade the pain and the memories. I moved here because I was too cowardly to face the consequences of my actions on a daily basis. Yet now I’m here I have never felt weaker.

  I wish I’d never moved to this stupid fucking country.

  **********

  “Hey, Sleepin’ Beauty, I’m gonna need your arse out here for the last hour!” Jared yelled directly into my ear. Jackass.

  I blinked my eyes open several times, momentarily disorientated. Ah shit. I was still at work. I planned to take five minutes to calm myself down but I must’ve fallen asleep. I find it ironic that people call impromptu sleeps outside bedtime hours ‘power naps’. Because whenever I’ve had one, I feel anything but powerful. In fact, right now, I felt like a two ton bag of rat infested shit.

  “Be right there,” I groaned, rubbing my eyes. After a quick stretch and a few light slaps to my cheeks to revive myself, I made my way out front.

  As usual for the last hour you couldn’t see past the line of incoherent and unsteady bodies. It was so busy my eyes almost forgot to look for Emily. Like I said… almost.

  “What the fuck is she doing?” I barked, like it was Jared’s fault Emily was dancing on a freakin’ table. Jared followed my confused and slightly irritated gaze and then laughed when he saw her.

  “Chill out, mate, she’s just having fun. You know what that is right?” But that’s not Emily’s kind of fun and I couldn’t figure out why she was doing it - or why she was letting some fuck ugly perve with a beard and sweat patches maul her with his eyes, and more importantly… why she was alone.

  “Where’s Rachel?”

  “I put her in a taxi about an hour ago after she decided to decorate the carpet with a month’s worth of sick over there. I think poor Maggie’s gonna be cleaning that shit up for days.” Maggie was the pub’s new cleaner and when I looked to the corner where Jared was pointing, sure enough she was still scrubbing away on her hands and knees.

  “So why didn’t Em go with her?” This didn’t make sense. Firstly, Emily would never leave her best friend alone while she was sick – even if it was self-inflicted. And second, she hates these kind of environments. You can normally see her knotting her fingers together under the table, itching to leave. “Jared!” I pressed when he didn’t answer me fast enough.

  “She wouldn’t go! What was I supposed to do? Tie her up and force her into the fucking boot? Jesus, Dex, you need to calm the hell down. What the fuck is wrong with you?” What was wrong with me? I had no freakin’ idea. But whatever it was had my hand gripping onto the edge of the walnut bar so tightly my knuckles had turned white. “Look as soon as I’ve called time, I’ll get her a taxi okay? She’s just drunk, mate. She’ll be fine,” he added, clapping my shoulder. His tone had needlessly softened to sympathetic. It pissed me off. I didn’t need sympathy for Christ’s sake. I wasn’t the one who wasn’t thinking straight here. Why the hell was no one else concerned with Emily’s erratic behavior? They were supposed to be her friends.

  I didn’t like this one bit. I didn’t like the fact she’d been drinking for God knows how many hours and she was inevitably going to be sick tomorrow with no one to take care of her. I didn’t like the fact she was so all over the place the entire pub knew what color panties she was wearing – black lace for the record. I didn’t like the fact that even though she was dancing and singing and making a complete ass out of herself, I didn’t catch her smile once.

  I might not’ve known what was wrong with me… but there was clearly something wrong with her. My stomach twisted painfully, almost to the point of creating extra scrubbing duties for Maggie right here behind t
he bar, as I hoped that ‘something’ wasn’t me.

  **********

  About ten minutes before time Jared got a phone call. His face drained of color almost immediately after answering and then he hung up without saying goodbye.

  “My dad’s in the hospital. I’ve gotta go,” he choked out in a fluster. All I could think about though, was he was supposed to be making sure Emily got home okay. How selfish is that?

  “What about Emily?” I asked like an insensitive asshole. I instantly wanted to punch myself in the face.

  “You deal with it!” he snapped, and rightly so. I was being a jerk.

  “Sure, sure. Sorry, man. Get your ass outta here,” I replied. He was gone before I’d finished responding.

  I finished up the last hour by myself. After calling time the last few orders came in and slowly but surely the place began to empty. It was harder to keep my eyes on Emily when I was alone. Even Maggie had gone home so I couldn’t rope her into helping. But I looked her way as often as I could – mainly to check the sleazeball with the sweat patches hadn’t lured her into going somewhere with him.

  She was wavering now. She’d stopped dancing and singing about half an hour ago and the bearded sweat machine fucked off shortly after. She was alone. And… lost. She just stared into the bottom of her empty glass, circling the rim with her finger. Something was troubling her and I was just stood there watching like the self-centered asshat that I am.

  “Drink up, guys! Closing in ten!” I hollered to the dwindling crowd. There was only a couple of regulars left now… and Emily. She looked up briefly at the sound of my voice but then turned her attention back to her glass. I was going to have to take that glass soon. Clearing tables was my next job before I kicked the last people out.

  But I couldn’t kick Emily out. As much as I knew I should stay away from her there was no way I could leave her alone in the state she was in. It was almost two o’clock in the morning. She was inebriated and vulnerable and I’d never forgive myself if anything happened to her. I was having a hard enough time forgiving myself for taking her beautiful smile away from her.