“You say that now…”
“Dexter, choosing between living with or without you is the equivalent choosing between daylight and oxygen. Although living in darkness would be difficult, living without oxygen would be impossible. You are my oxygen. I really need you to believe that.”
“I’ll try, doll. I swear I will. I want so badly to make you happy. I just don’t know if I can. I’ve spent my whole life letting people down – my mom, Aunt Sarah, and now you.” I sighed heavily – overcome with so many soul-destroying emotions I had to fight so hard to stay where I was. Running was so tempting… but one look at Emily’s porcelain face crumpled with concern for me was enough to bring me to my senses.
This time…
“That’s not true,” Emily argued. “What happened to your mom was an accident, Dex. You were just a kid.”
“You don’t get it, doll. Why can’t anyone see it? I let my mom down way before that day. I could’ve stopped it before it got to that point… if I’d just told somebody. If I’d man’d up and got her help, got that bastard locked away… it never would’ve happened.”
“You were just a boy, Dexter. You told me I wasn’t responsible for Livvie’s death because I was just a kid. But the reality is I could’ve gotten help too before it was too late. It’s weird because I’ve spent my whole life blaming myself too, but hearing your story? It’s made me realize that you can’t put that kind of culpability on a child. Children are innocent. We were innocent. I think it’s about time we both started forgiving ourselves.”
“That’s not the same. I’ve carried on ruining people well into adulthood. I was old enough to know what I was doing when I pulled that trigger and I was old enough to know what I was doing was wrong when I snorted my first line. And…did Aunt Sarah tell you she was engaged to be married before… it happened?”
“No,” Emily answered, drawing her knees up to her chest and hugging them.
“Well she was. And she was so happy too. His name was Brian. He was a good enough guy I suppose. Didn’t really know him that well. He stayed with us for a few months after we brought my mom home from the hospital, but the cracks started to show after just a few weeks. It was so hard for Aunt Sarah. She was a full time caregiver to a sister who couldn’t do a single thing for herself. She had to give up work to take care of her, leaving her with thousands of dollars worth of unpaid medical bills. And then she had me – her selfish fucking nephew who was too busy getting high and feeling sorry for himself to help her out.
“Brian tried. He really did. But… Aunt Sarah just didn’t have the time to dedicate to him anymore. She was too busy struggling to clean up after my mistakes. So, she lost him. Because of me. Don’t you see, doll? I destroy people. I’m selfish – even when I try so hard not to be. When the going gets tough I freak out - I run… I forget about everyone else. Every time I think I’ve got a handle on my shit, I always end up losing it again. I can’t promise you what happened last night won’t happen again, doll… because the chances are, it will. I can’t guarantee you the stable future you deserve.”
“I don’t want stable. I just want you. And the only thing I want you to promise me, is that you’ll stop shutting me out. I mean it, Dexter. I need you to trust me. I love you – all of you. I know what I’m getting into despite what you think. I know it’s not always going to be easy and at some point we’ll both probably screw up. And maybe you will run again, but if you believe I’ll always be here waiting for you on the other side, well maybe you’ll come back a little sooner.”
“You fucking amaze me you know that?” I asked, because she absolutely did. Every single hour of every single day. Taking Emily’s face in my hands I rested my forehead against hers. “I’m gonna try, doll. I swear to God I’m gonna try so fucking hard to make you happy.”
“That’s all I want from you,” she whispered against my lips – her warm, sweet breath rousing my senses. Unable to resist her intoxicating scent I brushed my tongue over lips, silently begging for entry. She parted them willingly, taking my tongue into her mouth and kissing me hungrily.
“I’ve missed you,” she murmured into my mouth. “Although you’ve physically been here, it feels like you’ve been somewhere else for a while now. I’m just so happy to have you back.” Fuck. I’d been hurting her without even realizing it.
No.
I wouldn’t go there. I wouldn’t let my thoughts travel down that path. I promised I’d try. And I will.
“Time for your promise,” I said. She cocked a dubious eyebrow. “I need you to promise me that whatever the future brings, don’t ever forget that I love you. Don’t ever believe even for a second that I could stop loving you. Because I tried that once, doll… and it’s impossible.”
“I’ll try too.” Guess I couldn’t ask for more than that.
“You’re freezing, doll,” I noted, pressing my cheek against hers. “Let’s get you back.” Nodding in agreement, Emily stood up first and held her hand out for me to take. Feeling lighter than I’d felt in years, I rose lithely to my feet and walked her back to the house.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Emily
Three days had passed when I was reminded I had a life back home waiting for me. It was too easy to forget with everything that was going on.
Rachel: So where’s these daily texts you promised me Ho? Miss u like crazy x
Me: So sorry. So much goin on right now. Dexter’s mum is dying. Miss u more xxx
Rachel: His MUM???????
Me: REALLY long story. I’ll try and call u soon. Can u call Chris n explain too? N tell Jared I said hi xxx
Me: Oh n can u text me the email address for the student advisory thingy? I need to update them on how much more time we’re gona miss x
Rachel: Holy shit balls. Sure thing Ho. Sounds pretty fucked up out there. Hope ur ok. Love u Ho xxx
God I missed Rachel and Chris. Even Jared for that matter – his warped sense of humour would be a welcome distraction right now. Things have been so intense. Nobody laughs. Nobody cries. We’re all just sort of existing while we wait for the inevitable to happen.
A doctor came by last night to check on Dexter’s mum and according to him we’re talking hours instead of days now. She’s stopped waking up and this morning she started making this really hoarse rattling sound when she breathes. Someone is by her side at all times. Dexter and Sarah are taking it in turns to sit with her even through the night. I go in every so often, but sometimes I feel like I’m interfering. It’s not like I knew her in life, so I doubt she’d want me there during her death. But late at night Dexter often asks me to sit with him while he watches over her, so of course I wouldn’t deny him that. I want to be there for him. All I’ve ever wanted is to support him and I’m just so relieved he’s finally letting me.
Sarah is one of the nicest, most caring people I’ve ever met and I’ve truly enjoyed getting to know her this past few days. She has such motherly qualities to her – or at the least the qualities I imagine other people’s mums have. It’s such a shame she never got to have her own babies because I just know she’d do an amazing job. She knows exactly how to handle Dexter in whatever mood he may be in and I hope to pick up a few of those tricks before we leave.
I feel sad about that – about leaving her. When we’re back in England she’ll have no one. She’s dedicated the last ten years of her life to being her sister’s full time carer and that’s caused her to gradually lose touch with everyone she knows. It’s not even like we can pop up and visit every other weekend. It cost so much to get here I’m sure we wouldn’t be able to do it more than twice a year.
“How’re you holding up, honey?” Sarah asked when I came downstairs with some washing from the bedroom Dexter and I were sharing. How was I holding up? See what I mean? This woman is completely selfless.
“I’m fine,” I answered with a smile. “Do you have any washing you want me to do?” I asked, tossing my armful of laundry to the floor and bending down to sort it into
coloured piles.
“Give that here. I’ll do it for you.”
“No really. You have enough to do,” I replied – both because it was true, and because I felt a little uncomfortable with her washing my dirty knickers.
“Oh nonsense. I’ve washed enough panties in my lifetime that you don’t need to be embarrassed about it. Give them here.” Bloody hell was I that easy to read? Well, I’d had my orders so I bent down and scooped the clothes back up from the floor and passed them to her. “Why don’t you go check on Dex and Deb while I get these in. Then I’ll make us something to eat.” Honestly, this woman never stopped. I wondered if she’d always been like this, or if it was her way of coping – her distraction.
“Thanks, Sarah. I can see why Dexter loves you so much,” I admitted with a heartfelt smile.
“Yeah, I’m pretty awesome aren’t I?” she teased.
“You really are.” Chuckling softly and shaking my head, I left Sarah to it and made my way upstairs to find Dexter.
Dexter was in his mum’s room, lying next to her on the bed. His eyes flitted straight to me when I opened the door and he smiled warmly before kissing his mum’s forehead and shimmying off the bed. He stretched his arms above his head, exposing the bottom of his perfectly toned runner’s abs as his midnight-blue t-shirt rose slightly along with his arms.
“Hey, doll,” he greeted softly, walking over to me and holding his arms out wide. I fell into them and nuzzled my head into his chest.
“How is she?”
“Worse. I think. Her breathing’s all funny. Irregular I guess you could say. I’m struggling, doll. I’m really fucking struggling.”
“I know you are, baby,” was all there was to say. Nothing I could do or say would change what was happening. All I could do was comfort him the best way I knew how. And as much as hearing how much he was hurting panged deep and twisted inside my chest, I was also grateful that he was opening up to me. “But I’m here. I’ll always be here.”
In that moment, just as Dexter was about to respond, his mum started wheezing like she was struggling to breath. Releasing me immediately from his embrace, Dexter catapulted towards the bed and twisted one arm under his mum’s back, lifting her forwards and cradling her in his arms.
“Aunt Sarah!” he yelled. “Aunt Sarah get up here!”
Sarah bustled into the room within seconds and rushed straight to her sister’s other side. I stood in the corner, frozen and useless, as I watched the heart-breaking scene unfold in front of me. His mum’s breathing became rapid and laboured and Dexter shushed her as he cried into her hair.
“What’s happening? What do I do?” Dexter rushed out in a panic. Slowly, the wheezes gradually turned to slow gasps and her whole body was limp in her son’s arms.
“You hold her, honey. It’s time. Just hold her,” Sarah answered calmly with a quivering smile, placing her hand across the bed and onto Dexter’s shoulder. “Emily?” She turned to me and motioned me over with a cock of her head. Almost choking on the solid lump of nerves blocking my throat, I apprehensively made my way over to the bed. “He needs you,” she mouthed, so only I could hear.
Unsure of what I should do to help him, I did the only thing I could think of – I sat next to him on the bed and wrapped my body around his. I held him, as he held his mother. I felt every shaky breath he took, every tremble as he cried, every tear as it fell from his face and dripped onto my arm…
We sat like this for what seemed like an eternity, but was probably a matter of minutes in reality – the only sound was the slowing gasps coming from his mum’s weakening body. We all watched Deborah’s crumpled face as the faint trace of colour her cheeks held visibly drained away completely.
“I’m so sorry, mom. I love you. Please know I love you.” In that second, she opened her eyes ever so slightly and gazed at Dexter – the slightest hint of a smile illuminating her fragile features. Then her entire body rattled in Dexter’s arms as she dragged in one last slow, juddering breath, before she fell completely lifeless, clutched to his chest. “It’s over now, mom. It’s all over.”
I tightened my grip around Dexter’s waist and buried my face in the back of his shirt. His body shook violently as he tried hard to mask the wails that were fighting desperately to escape. I didn’t speak. There were no words. We stayed in that same position for who knows how long, until Sarah eventually broke the deafening silence.
“Time to let her go, Dex,” she murmured, squeezing his arm.
“I-I can’t,” he stuttered. “I just… can’t.” Sarah gave him another few minutes to hold his mum, rocking her back and forth and whispering muffled goodbyes into her hair.
“Come on, honey. You need to lay her down now. Let her rest, Dex. Let her go.” I released my firm hold on Dexter’s quaking body and watched mournfully as he nodded despondently towards Sarah, and then lowered his mum onto the pillows.
“The creases have gone. The pain on her face... it’s… it’s not there anymore. She looks… she looks like mom again,” he noted, tracing the grey skin of her cheek with his thumb. “I miss you, mom. I hope you can find some happiness now.” He bent down for the last time and placed a soft lingering kiss on her cheek before tucking a rogue strand of her greying-brown hair behind her ear. “I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you. Goodnight, mom.”
Dexter stood up sluggishly from the bed and began rubbing his exhausted face with his hands. Rising to his level, I peeled them away, exposing the pain burning bright in his eyes. I had no words that could possibly dull the ache in his heart, so instead I opened my arms. Leaning into them, he nuzzled his face into my neck and held me weakly around my waist. When I felt the trail of his tears seeping sorrowfully into the crook of my neck, I cried all over again. I cried for Dexter. I cried for Sarah. And I cried for his mum who I wished with all my heart I could’ve known.
“I’m um… going to make the necessary calls,” Sarah whispered as she came up behind me. I nodded once in acknowledgement and enveloped Dexter even tighter in my arms. From the corner of my eye I saw Sarah lean over her sister, tucking the white sheet under her chin before kissing her hair.
“Sleep well, sis.” Then she left the room – leaving us in desolate silence, the only sound being the sniffles and weeps coming from our shivering bodies. Glancing towards Deborah’s peaceful body I couldn’t help but smile gratefully to her.
“Thank you,” I mouthed silently – thanking her for creating this wonderful man cradled in my arms. I may not have known her, but I would always love her for that. “Goodbye, Deborah,” I added, knowing not even Dexter could hear me.
Then I continued to hold him, rocking him from side to side until his tears began to dry.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Dexter
Today was my mom’s funeral. It’s been four days since we lost her. Christ, I missed her. The pain… the guilt swelling inside my heart was excruciating. And that’s why I did the most selfish and reckless thing I could possibly do this morning. But it was okay – because it was just this once. I needed something – just a little something – to help me through the day without me losing my shit completely. If I didn’t, I just knew I’d end up running. And I won’t do that again. I promised Emily. I love that girl more than my life and I will never run from her again.
So that’s why I did it. I know what I’m doing though – I know how far I can go. I’ve got limits that I’ve had enough damn experience to recognize and I won’t exceed them this time. Like I said it’s just this once. Just for today. Just a little…
No one will know. I’ve got this. I’m in control.
Picking up my cell as I straightened my black silk tie in front of the embellished full-length mirror in Aunt Sarah’s bedroom, I scrolled through my contacts and hit Jaxon’s number.
“Hey, man. I need a favor…”
Chapter Thirty
Emily
“What will you do when we leave?” I asked Sarah while I was putting the finishing touches to my m
akeup in the living room. Today was Deborah’s funeral and we planned to stay until the end of the week but then we would have to go home – leaving her alone.
“I don’t know, honey. I’ve not really thought that far ahead yet,” she admitted with that loving smile of hers. “I’ll be fine though. I always am.”
“Why don’t you come back with us?” I suggested before my brain even had time to process the idea. Dexter entered the room at that moment, returning from the walk he took to clear his head, and his eyes lit up before he interrupted.
“She’s right. That’s a great idea, sweet cheeks. You’d love it over there, and we could all be together,” he beamed – seeming far too happy for the morning of the day he was burying his mother. But I didn’t question it – I’d missed his smile.
“I can’t just leave, Dex,” she muttered solemnly – almost as if she regretted not being able to come with us. “I have the house, and your mom’s affairs to sort through. Then there’s passports, and visas, and getting my finances in order… Plus I’d need a job – they won’t just let anyone live in their country for nothing.”
“You really haven’t been to Britain before, huh?” I said, snorting back a laugh.
“Well after all that’s sorted then,” Dexter interjected. “You could sell the house – sell everything. And they had midwives over there you know – you could go back into that. Their health service is crying out for new people all the time.”
Sarah stayed quiet for a few minutes, rubbing her thumb against her lower lip as if she was deep in thought.
“Maybe,” she eventually muttered, nodding her head but making eye-contact with neither of us. “I’ll think about it. Let’s just get today over with first.”
Take My Hand Page 24
