“Well make sure you do,” Dexter replied. “’Cause I think it’s a great idea. A fresh start for all of us.” He seemed awfully enthusiastic about the idea and I couldn’t help but smile. It felt like so long since I’d seen such a positive expression on his face.
He was beautiful.
“Right well, I just need to use the bathroom,” Dexter stated, rubbing at his nose. His cheeks looked a little flushed too and I couldn’t tell if he was coming down with a cold or he’d been crying. Probably the latter, I decided.
I stood up and strolled over to him. Then I fidgeted with his tie – not because it was particular uneven, mainly just because that’s what people on the telly do – before kissing him softly on the lips and smoothing my hand across his cheek.
“I’m so proud of you,” I whispered. He’d been holding it together so well most of the time, and when he hadn’t he was honest with me – he cried with me and he talked with me. That’s all I’ve ever wanted from him. “I love you.”
“Love you too, doll. So much,” he replied, lovingly nibbling on the end of my nose and smiling humbly.
The morning passed quicker than expected with 11 AM rolling around before I knew it. I was ready to go by 10 AM – dressed in a knee length black pencil dress I bought from a local store yesterday. As you know I’m not a dress girl and I felt more than a little self-conscious in it. But I didn’t dwell. Today wasn’t about me and I was sure what I was wearing would be the last thing on people’s minds.
Both Dexter and I had received text messages from Rachel and Jared after breakfast, but only I got one from Chris too. They said the obligatory ‘thinking of you’ etc. It was only Rachel who didn’t bother to tiptoe around the line of sensitivity. Dexter’s text read:
Snickers: Yo American. Keep it together today twatbag and look after my girl. Sorry about ur mum – it’s totally shit. Miss u… kind of… a little… maybe…
I miss her so much – and I’m sure even Dexter does a little, though he would never say it.
“She’s here,” Sarah announced, gazing longingly out of the window. Dexter sighed and looked to his feet and I took hold of his hand. Looking over Sarah’s shoulder I saw the long black hearse slow to a halt outside the house. Inside was a walnut casket, surrounded by flowers shaped into the words ‘MOM’ and ‘SISTER’. Choking back the tears that swam down my throat I rested my hand on Dexter’s tense shoulder. He looked up at me briefly and offered a weak smile but didn’t say anything. Reassuringly, I reached for his hand and tugged on it gently, ushering him towards the front door.
We rode to the church with Sarah in the processional car. The atmosphere inside the leather-clad car was quiet and contemplative. Nobody spoke out loud, though I’m sure Dexter’s and Sarah’s minds were rattling with thoughts just like mine – probably more so.
There were only a handful of people waiting outside the grand church. Sarah seemed to recognise all of them and Dexter only some. It was a sad scene – knowing that this woman had been robbed of the opportunity to make friends and loved ones. Not just after the accident… her life was stolen from her a long time before that. Obviously my situation doesn’t even begin to compare, but still I found myself feeling a newfound gratitude for my ‘New Life’ and my determination to make new friends.
It’s such a sorrowful thought to imagine your own funeral and envisioning just a smattering of mourners taking up the first two pews.
The service was lovely. Well, as lovely as a funeral can be I suppose. The sumptuous, red velvet curtain closed gracefully as the small gathering of mourners watched on, grieving the loss of an innocent woman whose life had been over for too long. As we left the church, humming along to Michael Jackson’s ‘you are not alone’ – apparently Deborah’s favourite song - I felt solaced. I never knew her, but I knew her story and I felt appeased that she was finally at rest. She’d finally escaped the tragic life she’d been dealt and was hopefully someplace better now – somewhere she could live the life she was supposed to.
“You’re doing great,” I said softly to Dexter as we hung around the stunning grounds of the church, waving off the people who’d come to pay their respects.
“Doesn’t feel like it,” he muttered under his breath, fake smiling and shaking hands with the people who approached him. “Is there a bathroom round here? I need to pee,” he asked. He seemed a little shaky and in truth I suspected he just wanted five minutes alone to cry it out away from the small crowd surrounding us.
“There’s a small outbuilding just around that corner.” I pointed in the direction I was talking about. “I think they’re in there.”
“Thanks, doll. Back soon.” He cupped his hand around the nape of my neck and kissed my forehead before disappearing around the said corner. Seconds later, when the church grounds had almost completely emptied, Sarah approached me.
“How’s he bearing up?”
“As well as can be expected I guess. He’s just nipped to the bathroom. I think he needs a minute alone.”
“I’m glad he found you, Emily. I’ve worried about that boy for so long – worried about what would become of him. But now? I think he’s going to be just fine. And I want to thank you…”
“Thank me?” I asked, bewildered.
“Yes. Thank you for loving him. Thank you for not giving up on him. He’s a good boy – a good man. Thank you for seeing that in him.”
“Um… you’re welcome?” I couldn’t help it sounding like a question. “It’s not like I really had much of a choice,” I teased playfully. “The heart wants what the heart wants… isn’t that how it goes?”
“We ready?” Dexter interrupted, appearing unexpectedly behind us and making us both jump. Sarah and I looked at each other and then nodded in unison.
“Yeah. Let’s go home.”
**********
Later that evening Sarah went to bed early. Being such a small house I could hear her crying until around midnight. Then she fell silent and I assumed she’d finally managed to drift off to sleep. Fresh from a shower that Dexter and I shared together, I took my pill and climbed warily into bed. We lay entangled with each other under the heavy quilt and he shared all the details of his childhood with me. Listening to his memories, I cried more than I smiled, but still I came away feeling like I knew him better than ever.
“It’s still there, doll. The guilt. It’s right here,” he said, jabbing his finger into his chest above his heart. “It hurts so fucking bad and I don’t think it’ll ever go away.”
“It will. I promise it will. Because I’m going to help you,” I vowed, feeling determined. “I’m going to make you see how far you’ve come and what a good man you are. I don’t know how yet… but I will.”
Dexter rolled onto his side to face me and started twiddling the strands of my damp hair around his fingers.
“I love your hair. It’s the first thing I noticed about you,” he breathed, his eyes sweeping over my head.
“Really? So, you don’t think I’m a ginger minger?” I joked.
“A ginger what?” I always find it funny when he doesn’t understand my phrasing. Sometimes it’s like we speak two completely different languages.
“Minger… like, um… munter, fugly, or hideous,” I clarified.
“Now, fugly and hideous are already in my vocabulary and I can categorically say you will never see either of them used alongside your name. You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid my eyes on.” I smiled bashfully, feeling slightly embarrassed at how easy he manages to make me feel all gooey inside. “You’ll never know how grateful to you I am. I couldn’t have done this without you. Hell, doll… I never imagined someone could love me like you do. And I mean me… the real me. But you’ve seen me at my worst and yet you’re still here. I’ll never know what I did to deserve you, but I’m going to dedicate my life to thanking you – to taking care of you, repaying you, loving you.”
Leaning into me, pushing his bare, taut chest against mine, he brushed his tongu
e over my parted lips.
“Let me show you how much I love you, doll. Words are easy - I need you to feel it,” he murmured into my mouth.
“Yes,” I whimpered. “I want that too.”
I will never tire of the way he makes my body feel. The way he can make me shiver just by looking at me. Or the way he can set my skin alive with goosebumps just by being so close. And especially the way he makes me feel like my insides are about to explode just by running his tongue across my jaw.
Instinctively I arched my back, forcing me closer to him when he hovered his naked body over mine and trailed his warm lips up and down the groove between my breasts. Plucking my nipples between his fingers and rubbing them gently, his body stilled and he just… stared at me.
“What are you doing?” I asked curiously.
“I’m enjoying myself,” he replied, biting his bottom lip and glossing his eyes up and down my body like he was working out a way to devour me whole. A few achingly long seconds passed before he smoothed one of his hands down my body, settling it between my legs while he circled my nipple with his warm tongue.
My entire body was on fire. Nerves I didn’t even know I had were tingling so violently it was almost agonising. My fingers wandered over the sculpted muscles hugging his back – caressing the soft skin that was misted over with tiny beads of sweat. The pulsating throb between my legs was verging on excruciating when he started stroking his fingers up and down the damp folds tantalising slowly. The pressure was so light – so gentle it felt like he was tormenting me.
“Please, Dexter,” I whimpered, curving my hips to meet his fingers.
“Please what, doll?” My body was writhing – pleading with him…desperate for his touch. He always did this. He always made me ask for what I wanted. All my introverted instincts bellowed to keep quiet, but my body knew it wouldn’t get what it so urgently craved that way – and Dexter knew it too.
“Touch me harder. I need to feel you,” I moaned, knowing I should feel embarrassed but somehow only feeling tremendously turned on.
“Like this?” he murmured against my breast, dipping one finger inside me and making me cry out. Throwing a pillow over my face to stifle the intense moans, I nodded vigorously. “I love how you’re always so ready for me, doll. You’ve no idea how proud that makes me.”
When he slipped another finger inside I almost came apart there and then. My hips bucked to meet every thrust of his hand, my nipples had hardened into throbbing little pebbles and my heart was stuttering as it tried to slow itself down. My eager hands glided smoothly over the toned flesh enfolding his shoulders – revelling in the touch of every delicious ridge of his muscles and making me ache for him even more.
“No you don’t,” Dexter teased, ripping his fingers from my body. I gasped in… I don’t know… ecstasy? Disappointment? Frustration? “You’re almost there. I can feel you getting tighter,” he whispered, hitching himself up so his eyes were level with mine and his tousled brown fringe was tickling my face. I could feel his heart pounding through his flesh and vibrating against my breasts. It was easily hammering as recklessly as my own. “I need to be inside you when you come for me, doll. I need to feel you.”
His sweet breath swathed my face like a blanket as his denim-blue eyes – dark with hunger – bored into mine. Then he hovered his impressive erection over my voracious entrance before sliding it gently up and down, just like he did with his fingers – as if he was trying to get me to beg.
“Please.” If he needed me to beg, then beg I would. “I need you, Dexter. So bad.” I was a whimpering mess – my body writhing uncontrollably beneath him.
“You’ve got me, doll,” he whispered gently into my ear before slamming into me unexpectedly. I let out an involuntary gasp and immediately my hips starting moving against his as I wrapped my legs around his waist. Hoisting my thighs up with his hands he leaned down and kissed my mouth – his tongue delving deeper as he attempted to stifle my moans. “You’ve always got me.”
There was no dragging it out this time – no making it last. Dexter worked himself hard and fast inside me with his head buried deep in my neck as he panted and groaned in my ear. The knowledge that I could produce such a delicious reaction from him was the most magnificent feeling in the world and the sounds he was making alone were enough to tip me over the edge.
So when his rhythm increased, when he forced himself deeper inside me as my nails clawed into the delicate skin of his rigid back, it felt like my body was exploding into a thousand pieces. The most intense orgasm I’ve ever had ripped through my body like a surge of electricity, igniting every nerve ending as it coursed through my veins. My body involuntarily stiffened and my limbs twisted around him like a vice.
“That’s it, doll. You’re gripping me so fucking tight,” Dexter muttered through clenched teeth – working so fast I had to steady myself by wrapping my arms around his shoulders so I didn’t bang into the headboard. “I love you, Emily,” were his last words as he poured himself into me – his body juddering to a stop before he collapsed on top of me, resting his clammy forehead against mine and breathing deeply to slow his racing heart.
“I will never get tired of doing that to you. I would stay inside you all day if I could,” Dexter muttered, stroking my wild hair and tucking it behind my ear. I could feel his erection waning inside me and I knew it would soon be time for him to come out. But I didn’t want him too. Lying like this – our bodies pressed together, his body inside mine, our heartbeats racing in unison… I’d never felt more loved. Wanted. Needed. Protected.
Alive.
“I would let you if I could,” I admitted honestly. But then knowing in reality that was impossible, I slapped his bum causing him to jump and slide out of me whether he meant to or not.
“Hey! I could turn you in for abuse,” he teased, rubbing his behind with the palm of his hands.
“You love it.”
“Yeah. Yeah I do.”
Chapter Thirty Point Five
Emily
Dexter took me shopping this morning while Sarah sifted through a pile of Deborah-related correspondence bigger than Mount Everest. It wasn’t until I stepped inside the mall I remembered Christmas was just a few days away. It was easy to forget with everything else going on around us while we had been living held up in a house with not a decoration in sight.
Wrapped up warm in jackets and scarves (I borrowed one from Sarah and Dexter already had one with his things from his previous life here), we browsed the windows for a while before eventually braving the crowd in one of the shops. I picked up a few boxes of American candy for Rachel and upon Dexter’s advice, a blow-up woman for Jared. I hated being a scrimper but we didn’t have the cash while we were over here to buy anything extravagant. Dexter and I have agreed not to buy gifts this year, which left me feeling a little sad. I know it’s the only viable option given our lack of finances but it’s our first Christmas and it’s supposed to be filled with useless gifts, and flowers and chocolates and balloons and stuff right? At least it is in the movies.
Still, I remembered I’d yet to give him his Harley Davidson figure which made me feel a little better. Plus, I’m sure I can come up with something imaginative which involves not much money and even less clothes.
I’m sorry. You don’t need to know that. Good God, I’m turning into Rachel.
Exhausted from walking round a crammed mall, aimlessly searching for gifts we couldn’t afford, we made our way home. I decided we could get Sarah a Christmas bouquet from a small shop near their house and I’d get Chris something last minute when we get home.
“I feel awful leaving Sarah so near to Christmas,” I mumbled sorrowfully through chattering teeth while we waited for our bus home. “What if…” I took a brief moment to consider what I was about to say and decided I was certain. “What if we stayed till the new year?”
“Are you being serious?” he asked, sounding flabbergasted as he tugged his tan jacket down from over his mouth to fre
e his lips.
“It makes sense. She’ll be all alone here. It’s her first Christmas without you, and now without your mom. The few friends she has will be busy with their own families,” I shrugged as I spoke. “Whereas our friends back in England have their own families to go to. Rachel and Jared have got their parents, Chris is apparently going to his latest girlfriend’s parents…No one will be alone there. I just don’t think I can do it, Dex. I don’t think I could enjoy Christmas knowing she was here by herself. I really think we should stay.”
I didn’t know how I’d not thought about this before. I’d known Sarah less than two weeks yet impossibly I already loved her like a mum. Maybe more than my own…
No. That’s just cruel. I won’t go there.
“What about work and college? They won’t wait for us forever.” He was right of course… so why couldn’t I seem to make myself give a flying damn?
“We’re only talking two more weeks max,” I argued. “And if work won’t wait for us I’m sure we’ll pick up something else. We’re hardly high-flyers now are we?” I teased. We live in the centre of London, which is jam-packed with pubs, bars, cafes and shops that all supplied a never-ending stream of students and business people. I have no doubt we’d find new jobs if need be. “As for Uni… if I’m honest I’m not too sure how well that’s working out anyway,” I confessed out loud for the first time.
“Why not?” he asked - his eyebrow shooting up in surprise. “I thought you had this whole ‘new life’ planned?”
“I did. I do. But I’ve known all along I only wanted a degree to please my mum. It’s not something I’d have chosen if I’d really had an option. I’m not saying I want to work in Starbucks for the rest of my life or anything. Maybe I could get into some kind of trade – do an apprenticeship or something. It’s just… full time studying? It kind of bores the hell out of me.” Wow that felt good. I think it was the first time I’d really admitted how much I hated it – even to myself. I suppose I imagined if I said it out loud I would feel like a failure. But you know what? I feel more liberated than anything else.
Take My Hand Page 25
