Secrets

by Sapphire Knight

  “You think you can protect yourself from me? You stupid bitch, I’ll fix your problem.” He kicks me one last time really, really hard and I gasp. The air is knocked from me and I feel as if I’m suffocating. There’s this huge weight on my chest and I think I may pass out again.

  “Now, you clean yourself up and get rid of that fucking problem you have. Don’t ever tell me any dumb shit like that again. I can’t believe you made me hit you again. I fucking swear, Emily, get your act together. I’ll be back; I can’t deal with your shit right now.” Once the door slams I try my best to get my phone. London can help me. I feel like I’m dying.

  I spend two weeks in the hospital. I guess I’m ‘fortunate’ there is no internal bleeding. They have no idea what fortunate means. Little M is gone. My precious, innocent little baby was stolen from me. He was condemned to his father’s wrath and I was unable to save him. I know this is not the life I want. I know I have to get away and although I’m too broken and sick inside to do anything right now, I will do it. One day he will come home and I will be gone, just like my little M.

  It’s been five weeks since I lost my precious baby and discovered the true monster I’m living with. That is what he is, a monster. I hate him and it makes me sick when he touches me. I wish he would just die. Each day I imagine him getting crushed when he goes to work at the factory. I want him to suffer. Thankfully the doctors told him to not be intimate with me for a few weeks or I’d have to go back to the hospital. He doesn’t like to draw attention so that helped me out some. Jeremy stayed away for three weeks, but after that he said I’d just have to “get over my shit”. Things have slowly gone back to our ‘normal’. Jeremy works, comes home to dinner made, he complains, treats me like shit and has slapped me twice this week. He’s no longer worried about breaking my nose, since he broke it when he punched me. He says he has to keep me on my toes, to teach me how to be a good wife to him someday. I will never be his wife. I hate him. This hate inside me grows with each insult, each slap, and each rough fuck he makes me endure.

  It’s Thursday, I know I have one day left of him to go to work before he’s off for the weekend. I can’t handle being home with him for two full days; he will probably end up killing me. I have to do this, I have to get out. Once granddaddy finds out what Jeremy’s been doing, he will shoot his ass with his favorite twelve gauge. I can’t believe London has kept my secret for this long. She said I have till Saturday to tell granddaddy then she’s doing it. I hope I can get it out by then. I know she cares about me, but she has no idea how hard it is. I’m essentially trapped. I know inside that if I leave he will hurt me if he gets ahold of me. It will hurt me more at this point to stay then it would to leave and him come after me. I can’t get ahold of London. I think she’s still at work. I have to go now, if I’m going to make it to granddaddy’s before it’s time for Jeremy to get off work. I put on my black and pink Converse sneakers, sling my backpack onto my shoulders, grab my duffle bag and start walking to Granddad’s house.

  I’m about a mile down the dirt road we live on when I see it. Jeremy’s old blue truck is flying down the dirt road in front of me. I know he sees me, I hope he just drives past and leaves me alone. Damn it! He never comes home early. I wonder if he found out somehow. But how? I have only told London about it over the phone, when he was at work. He’s never really told me I can’t leave; he just implies that I’ll be his wife one day. The truck skids to a stop in front of me and I start to shake. Don’t puke, don’t puke, don’t puke.

  “Where ya goin, cupcake?” He looks at my backpack on my back and my duffle bag in my hand.

  “Oh, I was just going to visit Granddaddy for a few hours.” I can’t look him in the eyes. He knows I’m lying through my teeth right now. I don’t know why I do it. Maybe to see how far he will let me go with it, or maybe to try to buy myself some time.

  “That right? Going for a few hours and taking all your clothes, huh? You know what I think? I think you’re trying to leave me, cupcake. However I don’t remember giving you permission to go anywhere.” His fist comes flying at me and hits my left eye. Fuck! The face again? The hit makes me stumble back into the side of the truck. He uses my stumble to get closer and hits me in the face again. He throws my bags in the back of the truck and picks me up around my waist. He puts me in his truck and slams the door. I don’t dare move, because I know it will only make things worse. At this point I still have a chance of London magically knocking on the door at the house. I’m sobbing hysterically; my face feels like I was just hit with a brick. My head feels like I have a huge headache pressing down behind my eyes. I feel like I’m going to puke, but I hold it down. I know he would hurt me more if I get sick in his truck. I feel my face bleeding and it’s hot, like it’s on fire. I hope he doesn’t hurt me because of the blood making a mess.

  “That’s okay, you fucking teenage whore, we will go home and fix this. You think I’ll let you go? You stupid, stupid fucking girl. I will fucking bury your ass in the backyard if I have to before I let you go. I’ve been too nice, too easy on you. I will teach you though, just wait. You will fucking learn even if I have to beat it into your fucking piece of shit skull.” He rambles the same thing over and over the whole way home. He lifts me out of the truck, throws me over his shoulder and starts walking to our bedroom. I watch the carpet and wood wall paneling as we walk down the hallway. I can only see out of my right eye, my left is swollen shut already. I watch the tan carpet and all I can think of is he’s going to kill me this time. We enter our room and he throws me on the bed. He grabs the rope out of the top of his drawer. He forcibly ties me up sometimes when he wants complete control when he fucks me. He starts walking toward me and I shake my head. I have tears streaming down my face, I know I’m snotty and have blood all over me. I think he cut my forehead when he punched me the second time.

  “No, no, no, please, Jeremy, I’ll be good, I promise. I promise to be good, please don’t tie me up, please,” I beg him and he looks at me like he’s disgusted with me.

  “Don’t worry, I’m not going to touch your ugly ass right away, but I’m fucking tying you up, since you seem to think you’re free to roam where ever you want to. I bet that kid wasn’t even mine! You fucking whore, you were out roaming weren’t you?! I shake my head and I can feel my lips trembling. I know he will really hurt me if he starts thinking this way. Jeremy turns around and slams the bedroom door shut as he walks out. Luckily he only ties one of my hands to the bedpost and leaves the other one free. Thank god he’s cocky and makes this mistake. I have learned since the last time he put me in the hospital to hide phones. I have two cheap prepaid phones hidden, both set on silent. I have one under the bed, tucked into the bedframe and the other phone is taped under the kitchen sink. I figured it would be smart to put one on each side of the house for an emergency.

  I call London before I untie my hand in case he comes back. Thank God she knows this is an emergency number and answers after the first ring. I whisper the best I can, “London, park where you’re hidden and walk to my bedroom window. He can’t see you; I think he’s going to kill me.”

  “I’m almost there already; your granddaddy said you never showed up when I stopped by a few minutes ago.” That’s all she says and she hangs up. When London gets freaked out she doesn’t talk very much. I start working on my bound wrist. The rope cuts into my wrist because Jeremy wrapped it so tightly. I have tears running uncontrollably down my face but I make myself stay quiet. I’m thanking my lucky stars right now he wasn’t a boy scout and I’m able to get the rope untied.

  As soon as I’m free I run to the window and open it as quietly as possible. I can hear Jeremy’s beloved TV on in the living room so it gives me some cover noise. I also have to listen extra carefully because I can’t hear him if he walks down the hall. As soon as the window is open I crawl through it. The house is an old ranch style with two bedrooms, one bathroom with the tan paint peeling everywhere. The yard has dirt patches all over because Jeremy r
efuses to spend money to water it. The window to our room is in the back of the house and there’s no fence, so I just have to make it to the road.

  I start to run toward the road, I see London half way between me and her car. I run the fastest I’ve ever run in my life. It’s hard and I feel so dizzy and nauseous from the hits to my face. I can’t hear anything. It feels like a bunch of white noise in my head. I can feel the dirt and tiny rocks under my sneakers as my feet pound the ground as I run. London starts waving her hands like hurry up. Doesn’t she know I’m running as fast as I can? I see London has the driver’s side and passenger side doors already open, waiting for us to jump in.

  All of a sudden the noise hits me and it’s nothing but screaming. I hear Jeremy behind me. OH MY GOD, RUN! I can hear him running so I know he must be close. I focus all of my energy to run as fast as possible. London’s screaming for me to hurry. I make it to her and she grabs my arm and helps pull me to the car. Maybe I was running slower than I thought? We slam the doors; London locks them and peels out. Jeremy reaches her car right after we get the doors shut. He tries to pull on my door handle but London takes off just in time. He slams both hands on the rear of the car and screams. I don’t know what he screamed and I don’t ever want to find out. I’ve never seen him look so angry before.

  “Take me to Granddaddy’s please.”

  “Fuck that, Granddaddy’s meeting us at the police station, I already called him when I hung up on you. That sick bastard back there is going to jail this time.” I couldn’t agree more with you.

  ******************************************************************************

  Now

  I blink and it’s like coming out of a dream. I hate to go there. I hate to relive those memories. Those were some of the worst days of my life. I will never forget my little M. My one piece of happiness out of it all and he didn’t even make it. I can’t imagine going through everything while being pregnant. I have to keep reminding myself that everything happens for a reason even if it hurts and I don’t understand that reason. I look at Avery and London; they are both sobbing quietly and look heartbroken. Avery comes to me and hugs me tight.

  “I’m s-so sor-sorry about little M. My god, you poor woman, I had no idea you had been through so much hurt. I always figured you had a story, but I never imagined it would be like that.” She looks at me with sadness and compassion. It makes me feel a little better to have opened up to her, keeping secrets is so draining.

  “It was horrible, Avery. It was awful seeing your best friend like that and not being able to make her leave. I love her so much, I always have, and I just want her to be safe and ha-happy.” I hug London as she says this and kiss her cheek. I probably wouldn’t be here now if it wasn’t for her.

  “So what happened after, where has he been?” Avery wipes her face with her hands.

  “The police took pictures and documented my side of everything. I pressed charges against Jeremy and the hospital sent over all of my information from when he put me in there. I guess when we left, Jeremy went to London’s house to try to find me. He got into it really bad with London’s brother, Elliot. They got into a fist fight and Elliot pressed charges against Jeremy. It still wasn’t going to be enough in court so London called a few nights later and made a false report. She told the cops Jeremy had broken into her parents’ house and threatened to kill her, Elliot and me. I wasn’t even there, but Elliot and I lied and told them the same story London had.”

  “When we went to court, the judge ended up being a lady my grandmamma had babysat. Once she realized who I was she pulled me into her chambers and asked me to tell her everything, so I did. She said that if my grandmamma was alive she would’ve protected me. I guess my grandmamma had protected the judge from something really bad happening to her. She wouldn’t say what it was, but that she owed it to my grandmamma to make sure she returned the favor and protected me.”

  “A few days later, the judge ruled. She said Jeremy showed signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder with signs of detachment, he has stalker like tendencies, anger problems, shows obsessive qualities and may be a danger to himself. He was denied bail. While he was in jail he got into a few fights. He ended up having to do some more jail time. I was expecting two years but it looks like he has gotten out early.”

  “Holy shit, all that and only two years!” She looks amazed and like it’s unbelievable.

  “Yes, he had never been in trouble with the law before and in order for the cops to really do anything there has to be several ‘documented’ occurrences where I pressed charges against him. I was the dumb one and only pressed charges against him once. It was really all the fights after, which got him the actual jail time. Welcome to the justice system.” I’ve stopped crying now and am starting to think clearer. I have to make up a plan before he comes back again.

  “Geez, that’s crazy. So you came to Tennessee to start over? Weren’t you scared he would know?”

  “Well, London and I had always talked about this being one of the colleges we wanted to go to together. I never could come because Jeremy controlled every part of my life. London couldn’t afford it either. My granddaddy passed right around the same time. I got our house, his pick-ups and some insurance money. He had also saved all the insurance money from my momma’s death, so I got everything. When Jeremy went to jail, London’s mom rented me this apartment under her name. London and I applied for a million scholarships and with the insurance money I was able to move here. London’s brother, Elliot, lives and takes care of my granddad’s old house and land for me. London’s actually been living with her parents, taking online classes for engineering and saving any money she makes. She’s supposed to move here next semester to finish her degree. I knew he would eventually find me, just wasn’t expecting it to be this fast.”

  “Look, Emily, you seriously need to tell Tate about this.” I shake my head at Avery. So not happening.

  “No way. This is my problem to deal with. I didn’t want to tell you in the first place!”

  “He can help.”

  “How? By getting hurt? You don’t get it. The monster is crazy, he will kill me. You have no idea how psycho he is. I only gave you pieces of my story. This is the main reason why I’ve tried to keep to myself. I’m just glad I haven’t gotten any closer to Tate or it would really break my heart having to give him up. I refuse to get you involved and possibly get you guys hurt. No way. I just need to clean up this mess and file a report. I have to get every little thing documented this time.” I refuse to let him hurt me again. I will kill him before he gets that chance so the harassment has to all be plain as day for the cops.

  “Girl, you are crazy if you think I’m letting you go through this alone. I’ll stick to you like glue. I don’t want you to be alone with him, and if he appears or tries anything you will have a witness.” Avery looks at me stubbornly as she says this. Her forehead is crinkled like she’s thinking too hard and her eyes are full of anger. Her anger isn’t directed toward me, but him. London shakes her head at Avery.

  “Exactly. Good plan, Avery, we make sure at least one of us, if not both, is with Emily at all times. But, Emily, I think Avery is also right about telling Tate about this. He seems to know some big guys he could call if we ever needed them. I know Tate would drop everything and come running if you needed him, he’s shown everyone just how much he cares for you.” They are so infuriating. I know they want to help but they could end up getting hurt. I would not be able to live with myself if something were to happen to any of them. I know Tate cares for me but I don’t want to take advantage of him and use him because it will help keep me safe. If anything it will make the monster even angrier to see me with another man.

  I remember when I was a senior in high school and Jeremy saw me talking to one of the baseball players. We had known each other our whole lives and used to play together as little kids. The conversation was harmless; we were just talking about our projects we made in Art class. I made a papier
-mâché cow and everyone thought it was adorable. Justin, the baseball player, had shown up with metal art and he had drawn a cow on a field. Everyone thought it was fate so we had to hang our projects next to each other. Justin and I thought it was hilarious because we were both country enough to make cows for a project. Well, Jeremy didn’t quite think so. When he found out, he was pissed and when he saw Justin talking to me it was his bursting point. Jeremy walked up to us, pissed, carrying his binder in front of him. He stepped in front of me and glared at Justin. At that time both boys were about the same height and build. Justin had short dirty blond hair and some cute little freckles on his face. Jeremy told Justin to “back the fuck up off his chick” then swung his binder out and clocked Justin right across the face. I thought he and Justin were going to kill each other. The fight got broken up and everyone let it go since the school year was almost finished and Justin didn’t want it to affect his baseball playing (he would have been benched). I thought he had fought Justin because he cared so much it made him jealous and showed how much he loved me. No, Jeremy was just an obsessive, controlling psycho. I wish I had realized it back then; maybe I wouldn’t have gone through everything else.

  We call the police and file a report about what happened. I also learn that I need to get a restraining order through the state of Tennessee, not just in Texas. The officers were nice and understanding about everything. They each gave me their cards in case I need to call or anything else suspicious shows up outside my door. I told them about the chess piece and calla lily. They even gave me the number to a friend of theirs who would submit the paperwork for me to get a restraining order placed on Jeremy. London and Avery also tried to get one placed but the lawyer said the judge probably won’t approve it. I guess since it happened in my apartment, it’s not a reason they should fear for their safety, just mine. What a load of shit, but that’s the court system for you. I set to work at cleaning my once-safe haven, which has now been invaded by the person I hate the most.