Mates, Dates Guide to Life

by Cathy Hopkins

  Exams

  Wear layers on the day of exams so you can wrap up or peel off and be optimally comfortable.

  Make sure you have all you need in the way of pens, pencils, water and so on.

  Don’t drink lots of coffee to wake yourself up - you’ll spend half the exam busting to go to the loo.

  Prepare your answers to exam questions during the exam because when examiners see evidence of planning (outlines/notes) they anticipate superior responses, but make it clear what is your answer and what is your rough planning.

  Avoid crossing out work in exams. Every year perfectly good responses that have been crossed out cannot be credited.

  Read exam questions carefully and ensure you respond to all aspects of it, e.g. if it says “to what extent” or “how far do you agree” you MUST discuss both sides of the argument/evidence and come to a balanced conclusion.

  Do your best in the exam, come out and forget all about it …

  Education Rap

  by Izzie Foster

  Now I’m walkin’ down the street with my feet on the beat

  An’ I look real cool cos I ain’t no fool, I go to school

  Don’t wanna be a loser, a street corner boozer, a bum

  for rum or a no hope dope

  Now I’m really going places, I’m holdin’ all aces

  I got smart cos I know in my heart I got a real good start

  I’m ahead of the pack, no lookin’ back, I’m goin’ up,

  don’t need no luck

  Cos I ain’t no fool I go to school …

  Excuses

  by Lal Lovering

  This is the part that Lal is blackmailing us to put in. He says that if we don’t, he’s going to put photos of Lucy aged five, wearing her dinner on her head, on the Internet. We’ve seen the pics. Mashed potato and peas in the hair is not a good look so we have no choice, but to let Lal go ahead. I guess they may come in useful when you’ve totally failed at putting into practice any of the study tips, you haven’t done your homework or revision. Er … some you may find more useful than others!

  Excuses for Handing in Homework Late

  1. My homework is late because I was up all night writing letters demanding better pay for teachers.

  2. I couldn’t do my homework because I accidentally super-glued my teeth together and had to go to the dentist.

  3. I couldn’t do my homework because my contact lenses stuck to my eyes.

  4. I have done my homework, but it’s done in invisible ink.

  5. My homework’s late because I have an attention deficit disorder, er …what was I saying?

  Excuses for Being Late to School

  1. I’m late because a giant centipede ran off with all my shoes.

  2. I’m late because I woke up in a parallel universe and it was two hours earlier there.

  3. I was here on time, but I had an invisibility attack and you didn’t see me.

  4. I’m haven’t been in lately as I’m becoming a vampire and can’t go out in the daylight.

  5. I’m late because a power cut during the night stopped my alarm clock.

  6. I’m late because someone stole the wheels off my bike (only use this one if you do have a bike).

  7. I’m late because God wanted to talk to me. Again.

  (Note from the girls: Lal obviously has a very vivid imagination for excuses and we suggest a career in politics. And somehow we don’t think Mrs Allen would buy a lot of these excuses!)

  Voice over the phone: Johnny Dickens won’t be in today.

  Teacher: Who is this speaking?

  Voice: This is my father speaking …

  Advanced Class Excuses

  Visual aids to use as excuses:

  1. Invest in a broken watch, then say, that can’t be the time!

  2. Buy stick on spots and say you’re coming down with something nasty. Everyone will believe you. Same goes for white or pale green make-up.

  3. Buy some diced mixed vegetables. Before arriving home, take a mouthful, but don’t swallow. When you see your parent, spit out vegetables and groan. They’ll think you’ve thrown up. Guaranteed sympathy.

  4. Get yourself a leg cast, then as you limp in you can say, ‘Sorry, bit of an accident!’

  5. Buy a rubber cat. You can just hold it up and say, ‘Found this in the road, got to report it to the vet and find it’s owner.

  Super Advanced Excuses!

  If someone rings your doorbell and you’re not sure if you want to spend time with them, put your coat on when you answer. If you like them, you can say, ‘Oh, I’ve just got in’ and take your coat off. If you don’t you can say, ‘Oh, I’m just going out’ and walk them to the gate.

  And sometimes you’ll need an excuse for having acted crazy. We all have days when we say mad things or act in an unusual way. Here’s how to explain yourself:

  l. ‘Aliens landed and took over my brain for two hours.’

  2. ‘No! That wasn’t me. That was my psychotic twin. We don’t usually let her out, but she escaped last night for a short while. Soooooo sorreeeeeeeeeeeeee.’

  3. Say you’re an actress: ‘I was researching a role for my new movie where I have to play a mad girl and I wanted to get into the character for a while.’

  Surviving at Home

  Sometimes, us teenagers can be vastly misunderstood and these times can lead to parents feeling that they need to make a point and punish us. Being grounded seems to be a popular choice for punishments, so here’s how to get through it if it happens to you. As Izzie seems to be the one grounded most often, I asked her to do this section!

  Things to Do When You’re Grounded

  Catch up on homework. (Yuck, but it is an option and can buy brownie points with your parents when you get a stunning report card.)

  Colour coordinate your wardrobe for easy access.

  Store shoes in boxes. Take Polaroids/digital photos of the shoes and stick them on the outside of the box for quick identification.

  Do some feng shui on your bedroom and get rid of all the clutter. If you haven’t worn something for over a year, put it aside for a charity shop.

  Line drawers with scented paper to keep clothes smelling fresh.

  Update your address book. Then update your diary.

  Feng shui your computer (tidy desktop and clear up old files).

  Start your bestselling novel. If grounded for a loooong time, also finish it.

  Try moving all your furniture around for a new look.

  Redecorate your room.

  Learn to meditate.

  Do your Christmas card list and plan presents.

  Check out astrology sites on the Web and do friends’ horoscopes.

  Treat the time like being in a health spa: give yourself a facial, paint your nails, condition your hair, moisturise and exfoliate your skin.

  Exercise.

  Listen to music.

  Write music or lyrics.

  Learn to cook a new recipe (earns good brownie points if it comes out well and may get you time off for good behaviour).

  Clean the house and do the garden (also earns brownie points).

  Read. Books are cool and it’s a great way to escape from your personal prison into other worlds.

  Dealing With Parents

  (also by Iz)

  Dealing with parents can sometimes be a minefield as they seem to speak a different language to the rest of the planet. There was a time when I really didn’t get on with my mum and would barely speak to my stepdad - in fact, I used to call him the Lodger as I couldn’t get my head round the fact that he really was living with us. We get on great now (well most of the time, my mum can be way uptight sometimes), but we’ve learned to talk and that helps a lot. All of us have times when we love and then loathe our parents and they love and then loathe us, so here are a few tips for getting through the bad times:

  Remember that they didn’t get a manual when you were born and sometimes (often) make mistakes.

  Keep communicating. If s
omething’s bothering you, let them know as sometimes they can surprise you and be helpful.

  Let them know where you are or if you’re going to be late. They do worry and are a lot nicer to deal with if you keep them in the loop.

  Remember their birthdays and let them know from time to time that you appreciate them.

  And a good tip I picked up from Nesta is to always show your report card to them when they’re either on the phone or watching their favourite TV show. That way they’re distracted!

  C’mon, Let’s Dance

  by Izzie Foster

  My mother is a hippie,

  My stepdad is a geek,

  My friends all play video games seven days a week.

  I’m stuck in the middle, what else can I say?

  We’re all just little kids, though some of us are grey.

  So let’s dance, c’mon everybody, let’s dance.

  You’re a short time growing up

  And a very long time dead

  Sometimes you gotta shake the serious

  Right outta your head.

  So let’s dance, c’mon everybody, let’s dance.

  So grab yourself a hippie, hang on to a freak.

  Put your loudest music on and get up on your feet.

  And let’s dance, c’mon everybody, let’s dance.

  Let’s dance, c’mon everybody, let’s dance.

  Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

  Parent-Speak

  Parent-Speak

  What It Means

  When I was your age …

  Prepare for a lecture about how, when they were your age, they were a lot better behaved.

  What’s this lying on the floor?

  It’s yours. Pick it up immediately.

  We need to have a ‘word’.

  Prepare for a telling off

  That TV programme doesn’t look very interesting.

  Turn it off.

  It’s getting late.

  Go to bed.

  Your room’s a mess.

  Tidy it up, RIGHT NOW.

  Are you watching this

  Turn over. I want to watch

  TV programme?

  something else.

  It’s time you learned to look after yourself as I won’t be around for ever.

  Wash up.

  Maybe.

  No.

  I’ll think about it.

  No.

  Ask me later.

  No.

  Ask your father.

  … who will say no.

  We need to talk.

  I need to complain/You’ve done something wrong.

  You must learn to communicate.

  You must learn to agree with me.

  Go ahead (with raised eyebrow).

  This is not permission, it is a dare! Be careful.

  Go ahead (normal eyebrows).

  I give up. (Still be careful, though, as parent may change their mind.)

  Loud sigh.

  Although not verbal, this means: why am I wasting my time on you?

  My mum does bird imitations. She watches me like a hawk.

  Dealing With Siblings

  by Lucy

  Let’s face it, older and younger brothers and sisters can be a pain. They nick your things, invade your space (especially my brother Steve) and humiliate you in public (my brother Lal). Yet you’re stuck with them at least until you leave home. Here are some handy hints for making life easier:

  Respect their space. They have a right to live at your house too.

  Don’t borrow their stuff without asking. This includes clothes, CDs, cameras, DVDs and books.

  Always leave the bathroom how you’d like to find it.

  Don’t hog the bathroom.

  Knock before you enter their bedroom.

  Write down messages from their mates if they’re not in and leave them where your sibling can see them.

  Make sure you all do your share of household chores. This can be negotiated with parents.

  Negotiate an equal share of what TV programmes are to be watched. (This means giving them their pick every now and again!)

  Ditto re: use of the computer.

  Be supportive of one another in stressful times such as relationship break-ups, exams and so on.

  Bother to find out what the problem is if they’re acting unusually moody or bad tempered.

  Out and About

  Surviving Social Occasions

  by Cressida Forbes

  First of all, let me say how flattered I am to have been asked to do this section on social etiquette. I’ve decided to keep it general as accepted behaviour can vary from culture to culture- however, there are certain things that will help you be successful in society wherever you are and whoever you’re with.

  Always RSVP if an invite asks you to.

  In social situations, learn to listen as well as talk. Sometimes when people are nervous, they gabble away and don’t give the person they’re talking to a chance to say a word. A good conversationalist talks and listens equally.

  Don’t be late for any engagement, especially if meeting in a public place. It says: Your time doesn’t matter and mine is more important. To be late is disrespectful.

  When eating out or at a dinner party, knives and forks are to be used in order, from the outside in, so start with the ones furthest away from your plate. If you’re skipping a starter, use the largest inside knife and fork for your main course.

  Finger bowls are for washing your fingers in when given something like prawns or seafood. Not for drinking from.

  Pot pourri is to scent the room. It is not a snack.

  Place your napkin on your lap, not tucked in at your neck.

  Close your mouth when you eat. Take small bites and don’t shove food in your face all at once.

  Don’t cut all your food up at once. You’re not a baby.

  Twirl spaghetti on to your fork - don’t slurp it up.

  Spoon soup and tilt the bowl away from you. Don’t pick up the bowl and drink from it.

  If you have dietary requirements, let your hostess know in advance.

  Don’t start eating until the hostess does or she tells everyone to go ahead and eat.

  Don’t speak with your mouth full. Not everyone wants to see your mushed up broccoli, thank you very much.

  When finished, position your knife and fork parallel to each other at an angle across your plate.

  If at a dinner party and your host or hostess serves something you don’t like, don’t act like a princess and say you can’t/won’t eat it (unless it’s something like a camel’s eye or sheep’s testicle in which case you can maybe say something like you’re allergic to them). Try and eat a little. Or eat what you can, e.g. the vegetables (and if no one’s looking, feed what you can’t eat to the dog, tip it into a pot plant or wrap it in a napkin and put it in your bag).

  At parties, introduce guests who don’t know anyone to other guests.

  Send a thank-you card after a formal dinner or party. At more casual events, it’s still nice to get a phone call or e-mail saying you enjoyed it.

  Don’t talk during a film at the cinema. You’re not at home with your mates and not everyone wants to hear your running commentary on the movie, no matter how brilliant your observations are.

  Always send thank-you cards or an e-mail or make a phone call to say thank you if someone has sent you a gift. Even if you don’t like it.

  (Note from Nesta: As if we didn’t know all this!)

  TJ’S Tips for Being Streetwise

  Always keep a taxi number in your mobile phone menu or purse for times of emergency or times you can’t reach someone you know. Try to wait somewhere public until the taxi arrives.

  Walk confidently with purpose - head up, briskly.

  If out at night, try to always travel in a group.

  Trust your intuition. If you get a bad feeling about a place or a person, that’s your intuition telling you to be careful.

  Keep your
keys in your pocket in case someone tries to steal your bag - that way at least you can get in your front door.

  If you ever feel you’re being followed, cross the street and see if whoever’s following does the same. If they do, get to a populated area as fast as possible and keep your mobile within reach, but out of sight. Head for a police station, shop, service station or other public area. If necessary, yell to bring attention to the fact that you are being pursued.

  It’s a good idea to have a bag that you can strap diagonally across your body - it’s harder for someone to grab it and run.

  Don’t walk in dark, secluded places or take shortcuts when there’s an alternative route. Use routes home that are well-lit where there are still people about, even if it means walking further.

  Be aware of places in which people could hide, such as alleyways, bushes and on staircases.

  Don’t make eye contact with strangers.

  It’s not a great idea to wear headphones when you’re out walking or jogging as you can’t hear if anyone approaches or comes up behind you (or traffic, for that matter).

  Never hesitate to call and ask someone to pick you up, even if it’s late.

  Never accept a lift from a stranger. If a stranger ever asks if you want a lift, always say no and that your dad is on his way and will be there any minute. Then immediately phone the person you know who lives nearest and ask them to come and get you.

  In bars or clubs, keep an eye on your drink or always keep it in your hand. Don’t accept drinks from strangers as sometimes they can be spiked.