The Complete Where Dreams

by M. L. Buchman

  “She stayed in touch.”

  “Birthdays an’ such. Yours and mine. I kep’ in touch on hers.”

  “You know where she is.” Jo had figured that must be the message, “Say hi to Dan.” Her mother had stayed in touch with Dan, knowing he’d be in touch with Earnest and so could hear how her daughter was faring. Her father had been smart enough to understand that when he’d seen the postcard, but he’d still been hurting enough to not forward the card. There’d been nothing on the card for him. But he hadn’t been angry enough to throw it out either. She’d give good money to know if he’d tacked it to the wall when it arrived, almost a spit in Jo’s eye of “you’ll never see this because you never come home” or had he tacked it up when he found out he was dying, specifically so that Jo would find it.

  Dan didn’t look away.

  In that look, she saw the pain of knowledge. Earnest had sat next to him for the last five years knowing for a fact that Dan was in touch with Earnest’s departed wife, the wife he’d remained married to until death did he part. Her father must have mentioned the postcard. She could almost hear the conversation at some moment when only the two of them were there at the bar.

  “Got a postcard.”

  Dan waiting in silence.

  “For Jo.”

  A slow turn and meeting of their gazes.

  “From her mother.”

  A long silence, followed by a slow nod on Dan’s part.

  A mutual turning away.

  Then five more years of sitting side by side with that conversation now hanging between them.

  Jo scrubbed at her arms to remove the chill of that on a warm day, knowing full well that’s exactly how it had been.

  “March,” Dan said after such a long pause that Jo almost didn’t catch it. “Eloise March.” Then he turned, joined the others, and they headed down to the end of the pier to drink together and piss into the Narrows. Angelo hung back, waiting for Jo.

  “March” for Jo March, for Little Women and the strong mother, Marmee March, who Eloise must have wished she could be. Everything done in the literary tradition, as Eloise had been part of that tradition before her daughter.

  That Dan had said nothing more meant that her mother either couldn’t be found, or could be found very easily.

  That in turn meant…

  In Seattle, by looking in the phone book. All Jo had needed to find her mother all this time was her chosen last name.

  Chapter 30

  “I love you.”

  Jo was shocked to stillness at the whisper. The jet had just slammed on the power to roar down the Ketchikan airport runway and get her out of this place. She turned to Angelo praying she hadn’t really heard it. But he wasn’t facing out the window with a first time visitor’s curiosity, he was looking right at her.

  She shook her head slowly once as the jet’s roar peaked and then the plane abruptly rotated its nose off the runway and pointed for the sky.

  Angelo nodded.

  “You can’t.”

  His face pained. Obviously not the answer he wanted. Well she didn’t have that answer. He simply couldn’t.

  He didn’t ease his grip on her hand.

  “I can. And I do. And, before you go there, I’m not one of ‘those’ guys. You’re only the third woman I ever told that. The first two were my mother and Cassidy on the day she married Russell.”

  Jo swallowed hard. It actually hurt to do so, but she couldn’t work up any moisture. The dry air brushing across her face from the little overhead vents didn’t help at all. The jet continued to roar almost as loudly as her pulse thundered in her ears.

  She tried to remove her hand, but Angelo held onto it.

  “I love you, Jo Thompson.”

  “But,” this was crazy. “But why?” He’d just seen her at her very worst. Ketchikan had almost killed her. It probably would have if not for his presence.

  Angelo’s laugh was soft and, thankfully, not bitter.

  “Okay, let’s ignore the fact that you are easily the most beautiful woman I’ve ever been with.”

  She doubted that, looking all gorgeous and Italian the way he did.

  “The most fun in bed.”

  Jo had to admit she’d never had such a good time with a man, not ever.

  “And you’re far and away the smartest. We can also ignore the fact of how you smell.” At that he leaned in, using the fact of her incarceration in the narrow plane seat by the bright “Fasten Seatbelts” sign as they continued the climb out, and inhaled such a long sniff by her ear that she almost giggled.

  “I take that back. I can’t ignore how you smell. It is a flavor I can never fully understand but could gladly spend a lifetime trying to reproduce. You smell so good, Jo.”

  “I did take a shower. It’s called soap.”

  He didn’t deign to answer that with more than an Italian wave of the hand to dismiss her attempted misdirection. It was hard to argue, he smelled amazing to her as well. That’s why she kept curling up with her face pressed against the center of his chest. It was like someplace she’d never known, like…she didn’t have the word for it.

  “What I also can’t ignore was watching you with the alphabet gang.”

  “What about them?” Defensive. She could feel her spine stiffen and her chin rise as she prepared herself for their defense. She was feeling protective of her father’s drinking buddies, which was utterly ridiculous, but an undeniable fact as well.

  “You were so kind to them.”

  That knocked her back in her seat.

  “They were in so much pain. They aren’t sure who they are without your father there. You sat at that bar on his stool and you stood on that dock and told them it would be okay. That came straight from the heart, Jo. Straight from a really amazing heart.”

  Jo tried to imagine who Angelo was talking about, it wasn’t anyone she recognized. All she’d done in Ketchikan was find out that her past hadn’t been neatly left behind. Instead it had risen like a specter of evil until her past now blocked every path forward. Like the case she’d managed not to think of for forty-eight hours, the one burying her desk. The case that would bring her back to Alaska.

  That was it. There was her defense.

  “Angelo, you’re really sweet. But you can’t love me. Besides, I’ll be in Alaska for a lot of the next three to five years.” No matter how awful that fact itself sounded.

  The plane leveled out and Jo could see the steward starting down the aisle with the drink cart.

  “You can’t do that.”

  “My case is in Alaska. North Slope. There is an immense amount of relevant information there, both documentation and individuals who will need interviewing. I’m going to have to be there, and at the capital in Juneau, as well as New York. So you can’t love me, because I won’t be here.”

  Couldn’t Jo see the pain it caused her each time she mentioned going back to Alaska, even as the plane was, at this moment, setting her free of the place? Angelo could see it written on her face. If he ignored, no, if he set aside his own pain at the moment, he could see hers as plain as a crack in an eggshell.

  It was so hard to think straight around her. He could kick himself for saying he loved her when she was so emotionally strung out. He hadn’t meant to. Hadn’t known it was there to say until he did. It had been such a surprise he wasn’t even sure he’d said it aloud until she turned to face him.

  Now, not only had she thrown it back in his face unanswered, Counselor Thompson had turned it into a full-court defense and was now performing courtroom dissection on it.

  Who knew that loving someone could hurt this much? Sì, it was too soon, too fast. If it felt too fast for him, no matter how true, how must it feel for her? He’d even messed up falling in love.

  Jo had just been through an emotional roller coaster. He’d never been someone’s lifeline like that before, at least not a woman’s. He’d smacked Russell a couple of times during his courtship of Cassidy, or rather his non-courtship of her,
but the guy had needed it.

  Jo was a wholly different matter. For Russell, it had literally been a smack on the head. He’d wager that Jo wouldn’t appreciate that at the moment, even if she needed it.

  Having Jo hang onto him as she had these last two days had left him feeling pretty darned powerful. In some ways, punching Yuri had been the least of it no matter how good it felt. Standing beside her in the apartment, sitting with her father’s friends at the bar, waiting at their crazy but somehow appropriate funeral so that she could touch each person’s heart. They were so good together as a couple, they hadn’t even had to talk about it.

  Okay. Angelo took a deep breath. Okay. Another breath. Jo’s emotions were stirred up and he’d just have to accept that. And his timing sucked, he could admit that too. He’d have to shut up at the moment about how much she filled his heart. It was like heat and ice at the same time flashing through his body in alternating waves with each beat of his heart. But he could keep quiet about that for her sake. For now.

  What he couldn’t ignore…

  “Jo! How can a woman so smart as you even think of going back to Alaska? It tears you up.”

  “No, Angelo.” Jo was gone. Counselor Thompson now sat in the airplane seat beside him. Somehow she’d recovered her hand from his without his even noticing. “I know you want me to stay in Seattle. I like you. We have fun together.”

  “Fun!” he cut her off. “Fun? I tell you I love you and you tell me we ‘have fun’ together?” Okay, maybe he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. He tried again.

  “I’m not talking about me, Jo.” He waved away the drink cart lady. When she tried to distract Jo, he waved her off again. “For the moment, I’m not talking about how much I love you and how much you fill my heart.”

  The drink cart lady now wasn’t going anywhere. She made a show of serving the threesome on the other side of the aisle, but had to ask them to repeat what they wanted several times. Well, he was the one who’d decided to confess his love on an airplane, now he’d have to live with that for the rest of his life.

  Angelo closed his eyes to concentrate. Jo was so big on words. He had to be careful and choose just the right ones. He opened his eyes and looked at her, really looked. But those dark eyes only showed clear and cool rather than the soft warmth they usually radiated.

  “I’m not talking about my heart, Counselor Thompson. I’m talking about yours.”

  “I think I know my own heart.”

  “Then how can you go back to Alaska?” It burst out of him. It was so obvious that she couldn’t go. Not for three to five years. It sounded like a prison sentence. She’d die just as some part of her mother had, though he was smart enough to not use that argument. Even if she didn’t end up at the Crab Hole bar, she might as well. Her heart would shrivel and die, like those old men who didn’t even know how to say goodbye to a companion who had sat with them every night for decades.

  “I can go back to Alaska because that’s my job,” her voice was rigid. “I’m very good at my job.”

  “But is your job good at you?”

  Jo flagged the steward who was only just moving away and asked her for a ginger ale on ice. It gave her an excuse to not look at Angelo. She wished she had a book that she could read, or at least pretend to.

  She reached for the in-flight magazine, but there wasn’t one in the seat-back pocket before her. There were two of them in front of Angelo, but she wasn’t going to reach across or ask for one.

  Instead, she took her soft drink and peanuts and stared straight ahead.

  Her job was just fine.

  She’d won her first class debate in high school. She’d led the Vassar debate team to a statewide victory, even if a little school in Maine had won the regionals. Editor of the Law Review at the University of Washington. Partner at an elite law firm at an unprecedented twenty-seven years old.

  Her job was just fine. Though it did feel as if she were protesting perhaps a little bit too much. But really, her job was just fine.

  And anyway, Angelo didn’t love her. He was a guy. He was a really decent guy for coming to Alaska to be with her, but he was still a guy. He’d just tangled up loyalty and lust with deeper emotions. He didn’t love her, he only thought he did.

  Jo closed her eyes, leaned her head back against the seat, and let the humming of the engines fill her head, ignoring the pleading look on Angelo’s face.

  He didn’t love her, she assured herself. Especially when her career started taking her places he couldn’t follow.

  Chapter 31

  “I got the call.”

  Russell’s voice was loud in the empty restaurant kitchen followed by the clomping of his crutches as he pushed in through the back entry door. Front-of-house service had ended two hours ago, cleanup had finished the hour before, and the restaurant had been Angelo’s alone since. He’d shooed his mother out and started working on the menu for the new restaurant.

  It needed a different feel, a different flavor. Perhaps northern. The Piedmont region of Italy was in the north, but so was Venice, though he was less of a fan of east Italian flavors. Lombardy was a possibility, everyone had heard of Lake Como now that George Clooney had his villa there.

  “What call?” Angelo added a pinch of rosemary to the cream sauce, stirred and tasted it again. It tasted flat. No matter what he did, it—

  Russell whacked Angelo’s leg with one of his crutches.

  “Hey! Ow!”

  “What call? Think, man. I’m married to your girlfriend’s best friend. You did something to freak out Jo. She cuts off all communication with any of her friends and for some reason I don’t pretend to understand, it’s now up to me to fix the whole mess. So, I’m figuring we’ll deal with it tomorrow instead of half an hour to midnight tonight. Then the phone rings. Guess who’s on the line?”

  “The Pope.”

  Russell hobbled to the cooler and pulled out a couple of beers.

  “No, worse than that.”

  “I don’t know. Who?”

  Russell slowly eased down onto one of the stools by the prep table with a groan. “Never break your leg, Angelo, it’s a real pain in the you-know-what.”

  “And the leg.”

  “And the leg,” Russell agreed with him.

  “I’ll remember that.” For lack of any better idea, Angelo opened the beer Russell had set out on the counter and poured some into the sauce. A stir, a taste.

  “Well, that takes care of that.”

  “Awful?”

  “Truly awful.” Angelo turned off the burner, dumped the pot in the big steel sink, and splashed some water into it before sitting on the stool facing Russell. “So who was on the phone worse than the Pope?”

  “Maria Amelia Avico Frickin’ Parrano.”

  Angelo swore and knocked back some of his beer. Definitely worse than the Pope.

  “So, I’m half undressed for bed and more than halfway to coaxing Cassidy to join me when the call comes in. Then what happens? Next thing I know, I’m dressed, and my loving wife is closing the door on my sorry self telling me not to bother coming back until I fix it. Some honeymoon.”

  Okay, he’d felt like garbage before, but this was perhaps a new low.

  “So,” Russell leaned back and folded his hands in his lap. “What did you do to her?”

  “I told her I loved her.” Wow, he really had to work on not saying that out loud. It took too much out of him.

  “Really?”

  “Really.”

  “And you do?”

  Angelo could only nod. He couldn’t even speak. Like his soul had been taken out, run through a blender, then turned into a really crappy cream sauce.

  “What did she say?”

  Angelo didn’t even bother to shrug. Let her go back to godforsaken Alaska. He closed his eyes. That thought hurt even worse.

  “Oh man,” Russell groaned.

  Angelo couldn’t agree more.

  “What are you doing, Jo?”

  Jo yelped a
nd dropped her briefcase which thudded onto the deep pile carpet, clipping her foot hard enough that she fell into a leather armchair.

  As she’d entered the lobby of Stanley, Tu, Rolfmann, and Thompson from her office, the lights had sensed her motion and turned on. They’d revealed a very tired looking Cassidy Knowles slouched low on a dusky blue leather sofa.

  Jo rubbed her foot a moment longer, but nothing appeared broken.

  “What are you doing sitting in the dark? Why didn’t you come back to my office?” Jo’s heartrate was still up. Interestingly, seeing Cassidy, she should be feeling joy at seeing her friend or chagrin at how she’d been avoiding her. Instead she felt a little depressed. Some conspiratorial part of her mind had been waiting for Angelo to come by and visit her. He hadn’t even called. Not that she could really blame him.

  “I did come back.” Cassidy pulled in her feet enough for Jo to sit at the other end of the couch.

  Jo recovered her briefcase from the middle of the floor, set it on the coffee table then sat.

  “But you were on the phone to some crazy place…”

  “The Chairman of the Danish Maritime Authority’s Shipping Tribunal.”

  “Too much stratosphere for me.”

  “Says the woman trained in wine by Robert Parker.”

  Cassidy shrugged, “Wine tasting. Creators of international maritime law. We each have our comfort zone and that one sure isn’t mine. So, I backed off. You took so long to finish your call that the lights decided I wasn’t here and turned off. Didn’t see any reason to argue with them.”

  “It is,” Jo checked her watch, “past one a.m.”

  “What are you doing working this late?”

  “Well, it’s a big and important case and I—”

  “Blah. Blah. Blah.” Cassidy made her quacking duck hand sign from college whenever she caught Jo over-defending her position. It had actually been exceptional training for trials, as she now automatically heard Cassidy’s quacking noises whenever she was about to say too much. Her main challenge had been to not smile at the image during a serious courtroom moment.