Another Woman's Man

by Carrie-Ann Schless

  ‘If I have to wait, I might as well wait in style,’ Kat would say with a grin, as we searched the internet for fun and interesting things to do.

  Since moving back to Eastbourne, I hadn’t been working. I couldn’t face going back to my old place of work; it felt like I was going backwards when everybody else around me was going forwards. I felt lost, but I was grateful I had my savings to give me time to rethink my life. I missed my parents, I missed my Nan, but most of all I missed Max. I did well keeping my brave face on during the day when people were about, but at night when the screaming silence of my empty flat couldn’t be drowned out by my TV, I started to think.

  I thought about how old our children would have been, if I had been able to carry them. I wondered if they would have been little princesses, or perhaps a little prince. I thought about how good a dad Max would have been, and wondered if we would have disagreed on how to discipline them. Then the tears would fall, and I thought about how I couldn’t give Max the family he wanted. I thought about how much I had let him down, and how I had pushed him away. I thought about how I hadn’t even put up a fight when he told me it wasn’t working.

  He deserved the chance to find someone who could give him the family he wanted. I thought about how I died a little more inside the day I closed the door to our home and posted my key through the letterbox. Once there were no more tears left to cry, I would fall asleep on the couch and dream that everything was ok. In my dreams every night, we would have the perfect relationship, the perfect family. And then every morning, I would crash down to reality and relive that heartache over and over again.

  One weekend, I had agreed to meet Kat in town to go over the plans of the spa weekend I was planning; hen night number one of four. She was working, so I said I would get the bus in and she would give me a lift home, as my car was having work done in the garage.

  I was having a particularly bad day; it would have been Max’s and my anniversary. Well, one of them. We had celebrated them all. First time we met, first date, first kiss. This particular anniversary was of the first time we had made love. I used to laugh about that phrase. People saying they wanted to make love to you. It had always been just sex, a shag, a hard fuck. Love couldn’t have been further from it.

  With Max, though, it was different. I finally knew what they meant. The intensity, the passion. When we entwined, it was physically impossible for two people to become any closer.

  Standing at the bus stop, I closed my eyes, remembering my first orgasm, how it felt as it surged through me. How he expertly manoeuvred me around the bed, changing positions and taking control. I remembered everything about the first time.

  Then I thought about the last time. You never know when you are doing something for the last time, but there was a small part of me that had sensed it. We had still been making love, but with an undertone of sadness that hadn’t been there before.

  A tear trickled down my cheek. We had never stopped loving each other, but sometimes life just gets in the way. One tear turned to two, then three, and before I knew it thick salty tears were flowing down my face. People at the bus stop were looking at me. I tried discreetly wiping my tears with the edge of the sleeve of my beige coat, but that just put big black mascara marks on it and probably smudged my mascara down my face.

  As the bus pulled up, I managed to pull myself together a bit, sliding out my mirrored Superdrug card from my phone case to check the damage. It wasn’t too bad; my eyes were red and I had a little black under both eyes, but it wasn’t as bad as it could have been.

  Stepping onto the bus, I placed my five-pound note onto the little yellow tray. The driver was looking at me strangely, probably noticing I had been crying, so I just said to him ‘town centre’. Nothing happened. He kept looking at me, and I started to feel uncomfortable.

  ‘Single?’ he asked.

  I was taken aback. Was it that obvious? In my fragile state, I suddenly felt angry. How dare he just assume.

  ‘So? What has it got to do with you? So what, if I’m single? There is nothing wrong with it. Yes, I am at the age where all my friends are getting married and having children, and here’s little old me, newly single after seven years. See, I’m not some sad single girl who can’t even get a boyfriend. Just sometimes things don’t work, and how would you feel if your relationship status was questioned every time a customer got on?

  ‘How dare you?’ I ranted. ‘How could you just assume I’m single because I’m crying? It could have been something else. My dog could have just died. Not that I have a dog, but you don’t know that.’

  The bus driver was staring at me with his mouth open, but I kept going. ‘I’m just trying to get on with my life and get back to normal, and if I have people like you throwing it in my face every day, how the hell am I supposed to move on?’

  The driver shuffled slightly in his seat, hand still poised over the ticket machine. He lowered his voice, leant in towards me, and said just two words.

  ‘Or return?’

  I was mortified. I stared at him with wide eyes. He gave me a sympathetic smile.

  ‘Erm,’ I started, gulping hard, ‘single.’ It was barely a whisper. Taking my ticket and my change, I sank into the first available seat. I had made such a fool out of myself, I just wanted to go home. I sat staring at my shoes the entire journey.

  Sitting in the middle of Wetherspoons, Kat was in hysterics when I related the incident.

  ‘It’s not funny, Kat. I’m a wreck. It’s like I’ve forgotten how to function like a normal human being. I miss Max.’

  ‘I know you do, darling. If it makes you feel any better, he looks awful.’

  I frowned at her. ‘What do you mean?’

  Kat looked awkward. ‘We saw him.’

  ‘We?’

  ‘Ben and I.’

  ‘When, Kat? Why didn’t you say?’

  ‘Because,’ she paused, ‘I knew you would ask questions.’

  ‘Why would I ask questions?’

  ‘You’re asking questions now.’

  ‘I’m only asking questions because you didn’t tell me. That’s the sort of thing you normally would. You phoned me the second you saw Craig in town when we had split, and you even told me you had seen Tom months after we broke up. I just don’t understand. I mean, the only possible reason for you to not tell me is,’ I paused as reality hit me, ‘if he was with someone.’ This wasn’t a question; it was a statement.

  ‘Max is with someone.’ I was mainly saying that for myself, as if hearing it out loud a second time would make it sink in.

  Kat studied my face before speaking. She knew me as well as I knew her, and realised I was setting into attack mode.

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  I shrugged. ‘It’s not your fault.’

  We both knew I didn’t mean that at this moment. We also knew I didn’t really think it was her fault, but I was angry and she was here.

  Nevertheless, Kat was trying to make it better; it just didn’t work.

  ‘I didn’t know how to tell you.’

  ‘Well, Kat, there is a magic little thing these days called communication. It’s what people do. It happens in many different ways. In fact, we are doing it now; look, we are talking.’ I was talking to her like she was an idiot, and I hated myself for doing so. ‘Other methods are letters, postcards, emails, texts, instant messages. Etc, etc. Kat, you had plenty of ways to tell me, but you just chose not to.’ And I stormed off to the toilet.

  What was I doing? Why was I being so cruel to Kat? She was just looking out for me, being a good friend. This was classic shooting the messenger. Of course, she would have told me when the time had been right; in fact, she just had! I hadn’t seen her properly this week, and what sort of friend would have text through that sort of information?

  I got my phone out of my pocket and opened my Facebook app. Scanning down my newsfeed for anything interesting. I wanted to see his name, but it wasn’t there. I pressed search, and his face popped up as soon as I p
ressed the M on my touch screen. Just his face. Gone was the picture of us on holiday in Greece that had been his profile picture for years. He had changed it before I moved out, but it still felt weird.

  I clicked on his name, and up sprung his profile. His cover photo was a picture from a lads’ weekend in Amsterdam, one of his friend’s stag weekends. I half smiled remembering the story he had told me of him and Danny going the wrong way in the red-light district.

  Slowly moving down his page, I felt cold. ‘Lisa Parsons has tagged Max Hilton in a picture.’ I didn’t know the name. I’d never seen her face before, but there she was, the new girl in Max’s life. She was blonde and pretty with a perfect smile, but that wasn’t what bothered me. It wasn’t even the pose, them leaning forward towards each other, two spoons dangling over a huge ice-cream.

  I wasn’t even bothered in the slightest that they were in my favourite restaurant, sharing my favourite pudding. What upset me was Max’s face. He was smiling. A real smile all the way up to his eyes. My tears stung. He was happy.

  The door opened behind me, and Kat stood there.

  ‘You ok?’ she asked.

  ‘I need to get over him, Kat.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘Did he really look terrible?’

  She laughed and moved towards me, putting her arms around me. ‘Oh, the worst.’

  We hugged for a minute, laughing at ourselves.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Kat.’

  Shoving me, she said, ‘Shut up,’ before linking my arm and pushing me towards the door. ‘It’s your round.’

  Just like that, all was forgiven. Kat left her car in town and we got a taxi home. I vowed never to take the bus again.

  Chapter Fifteen

  A few weeks passed, and Max’s relationship status became official. It was announced on Facebook. He had phoned me in advance to warn me. We were still friends; well, we were trying to be. I still had to stop myself from saying ‘love you’ at the end of every phone call. I decided if Max could move on with his life, then so could I. It was time for me to get a job.

  I went through all the local papers and the Friday ads, went into all the shops in town, and searched the internet. I sat in the middle of my living room, surrounded by job applications and copies of my CV. Handwriting each envelope, I had a pile to be stamped and another for me to hand deliver. My phone on the floor to my right kept buzzing with Facebook notifications; I had put it on vibrate to try and avoid the distraction, but it wasn’t working.

  The blinking blue light kept tempting me to see what interesting things it had in store for me. I was addicted. Kat had tagged me in a post, Quote of the Day’s picture: ‘Fake it ‘til you make it.’

  I smiled and quickly commented, ‘I never fake it, baby! xx’

  An inbox message instantly popped up, with Kat’s profile picture in a bubble on the top right-hand side.

  Kat - What are you doing on fb?! Put your phone down, woman! I’m gonna be there in less than 2 hrs and I xpect u to be finished x

  Me - Then stop tagging me in stuff! I’m soooo bored :( xxx

  Kat - Ha ha. It will be worth it, babe. Ready to paint the town red tonight? xx

  Me - No! I don’t even know what to wear. Heeeeeelp xxx

  Kat - Get back to work. Gotta go, big boss walked in. Love ya x x x

  I opened my other chats and started scrolling down. Talking to someone was a nice distraction but the question was who to message. A name suddenly popped into my head. Danny. I hadn’t spoken to him in ages.

  I searched his name and a similar bubble to Kat’s popped up. This one made my stomach turn. A picture of Danny and her – Erica – kissing on a dance floor somewhere. ‘Yuck!’ I said out loud.

  It suddenly dawned on me that Danny and I had never spoken on Facebook before. We had texted, phoned a few times, but never ‘chatted’. I had absolutely no idea why I wanted to talk to him, or what I wanted to say. Considering putting the phone down and carrying on stuffing envelopes, I drummed my nails on the back of my phone case as my thumb from my other hand typed something and pressed send before I had really thought about it.

  Me - Hey x

  As soon as I had sent it, I instantly regretted it. Hey? Hey! What sort of idiot actually used that as a first message to someone they hadn’t spoken to for months. I tried to think of something else to write that didn’t make me look like a dunce. Like, hey, how are you? Or hey, what have you been up to? But no, I had now left it too long, so I put the phone back down and turned my mind to the job in front of me.

  A few minutes later, something flashed in the corner of my eye. A little yellow light flickered on and off, replacing the blue one from before. I knew this indicated a Facebook message. I guessed Kat’s boss had left the lobby. Unlocking my phone, I was shocked to discover a reply from Danny. So soon!

  Danny - Well, hello stranger! How long has it been? Too long, if you ask me. How are you both? Tell that man of yours to ring me x

  I just stared at my phone for a while. How could Danny not know?

  Me - I’m guessing you haven’t heard then x

  Danny - Heard what? x

  I wanted Danny to know. I needed him to know, but I didn’t want to be the one to tell him.

  Me - About me and Max xx

  He might have guessed. He should have guessed, but along came the expected reply.

  Danny - What about you guys? Everything ok? x

  Me - We broke up x

  I sat there staring at my screen… but nothing. I kept rereading the last line I’d sent him. We broke up. It still didn’t feel real. After a good five minutes, Danny replied. I had expected him to be shocked. Expected him to ask questions, but the only reply he sent was:

  Danny - Oh

  That was it. Two little letters. O. H. Oh. Was that all he had to say? This made my ‘hey’ look totally acceptable. I started to wonder what exactly I had wanted him to say. What could he say? Another message came through.

  Danny - I’m sorry. I really don’t know what to say x

  I laughed. That made two of us.

  Me - That’s ok. What really can you say? I’m just surprised you didn’t know x

  Danny - Me too! x

  - How long?

  Me - erm… about five months ha ha x

  Danny - Oh. That’s awkward. Do you reckon you guys will sort it out? x

  Me - Probably not. I reckon Lisa will have a thing or two to say about that x

  Danny - Who the fuck’s Lisa??? Lol x

  Me - His new gf! Lol x

  Danny - Girlfriend?!?! OMG, where the hell have I been??x

  Me - I know! Talk about being out of touch. Did you move to Mars or something?

  Danny - Something like that. Just been working loads and stuff x

  I started stuffing envelopes between conversations. Time was counting down, and Kat would be fuming if I wasn’t finished.

  Me - So what else have you been up to? Other than work, of course x

  Danny - Seriously nothing. My life has got boring. Where you living now?

  Me - Back in Eastbourne

  Danny - Ahh. Wondered why you hadn’t been in.

  Me - Ha ha, bit far to travel I’m afraid, though I am missing the free drinks x

  Danny - You know you’re always welcome xx

  Me - I know :) So, I’m guessing Max hasn’t been in x

  Danny - Nah, not seen him x

  My leg had fallen asleep, so I got up to go to the loo and make a drink. Surely it wasn’t too early to have a cheeky wine as warm-up for tonight. I agreed with myself it was perfectly acceptable, and cracked open the rosé. Danny had messaged me again when I got back. I’d almost finished with the applications.

  Danny - So what are you up to? x

  Me - Applying for jobs! x

  I pressed the camera icon and sent a picture of the organised chaos strewn in front of me.

  Danny - Wow! Busy girl x

  Me - I know. I would be finished by now if you didn’t keep distractin
g me! Lol. Wubu2?

  Danny - Charming. What’s that mean??

  Me - What you been up to? ha ha x

  Danny - Oooh! Not much to be honest. As I said, mostly working. Did go sunning it up in Turkey a few weeks back x

  Me - Alright for some! Who did you go there with? Xx

  As soon as I’d sent it, I regretted it. I knew the answer would leave a sour taste in my mouth.

  Danny - Erica x

  Oh, how did I know it would be her?

  Me - I bet that was fun x

  I wrote without even thinking. Luckily, Danny didn’t seem to read it in the sarcastic manner I had meant it.

  Danny - Yeah, it was good. We had a laugh most of the time x

  Me - Only most?

  Danny - Lol, yeah. You’ve met Erica. Xxx

  I sure had. I didn’t want to talk about her, so I put my phone down and finished the last ten envelopes I had left. By the time I’d finished that and the wine, I looked back to my phone and saw I had five new messages.

  Danny - Doing much tonight?

  - ??

  - Are you there? x

  - Where you gone? xxx

  - Bye then, lol x

  Me - Sorry! I was finishing up. All done. A busy day delivering tomoz x

  - Just waiting on Kat to finish work. Off out tonight x

  Danny - Brighton? xx

  Me - No lol, Ebourne x

  Danny - :-( x

  Me - Sorry xx

  Danny - Come to Brighton!! It’ll be fun. Free drink on arrival :-)

  Me - Drink! Is that it? Make it plural and I may think about it.

  Danny - Drinkssssss then. Come on, not seen you in an age x

  - Don’t you miss this face??? Xxxxxx

  An image of him making puppy dog eyes and an over-exaggerated sad face popped up on my screen. I laughed out loud. I did miss him. I also knew there was no way Kat would agree to Brighton. Ben had a darts night planned with the guys, and said he would come and meet us later. She knew he wouldn’t bother to go all the way to Brighton.

  Me - Hmmm, oh yes, I cry myself to sleep at night because I miss you so much, lol. Will ask Kat but you know she’ll say no xx