Get Somebody New

by Lewis, Michael

  “What? What is it? You can’t just open that can and walk away.”

  “You’ll find out in due time. It’s nothing bad. I’m just messing with you. I always wanted to get you two together. I couldn’t wait for you to leave Elias and Alton to leave that bat! I admit I tried to edge it along by getting you two in the same room alone every chance I got. You two were just too perfect for each other and both are being mistreated.”

  “He is so sweet. When he smiles, I just melt. Those dimples and his eyes are a deadly combination. I don’t know what was wrong with Nadiah.”

  “I do. Nadiah is a lesbian in denial. She got married because her family was pressuring her. Instead of living her life truthfully, she lived a lie to make her family happy and made Alton’s and our family’s life hell. I don’t know why people get into these sham marriages. If you are gay you’re gay! Live your life and find happiness. If you are a straight, Christian preacher, with no sin to your name, married, with 2 children, and a dog, there will still be somebody to find fault. You can’t please people. You can only try to please God. People can’t do a thing for you, God can do everything for you.”

  “You are right about that.”

  “Oh, let me go out here and make sure Jazz doesn’t kill this fool. He has been saving this ass whipping for him since Elias slapped you, so this ass whipping was compressed and concentrated.”

  “You are so crazy. Call me back later.”

  “Ok, later hon.”

  “Jazz that’s enough! That’s enough!”

  “Uh uhn, move Zeke.”

  “No Jazz. You got him. Let him go.”

  “No, I said move Zeke. I ain’t finished with him.”

  “No.”

  “Get your ass out of my way.”

  I folded my arms and stood in front of him. Every time he moved I stepped in front of him. Finally Jazz gave up and stomped back into the house as he pouted. Elias crawled to his car and left. I felt sorry for him for about 2 seconds. That’s all the pity he deserved after all he’d put my friend through.

  I went back inside and called for Jazz but he didn’t answer. The shower was on so I figured he didn’t hear me. I straightened up the living room and put my candy bowl back in its proper place. When Jazz came out of the shower, I called him again.

  “Jazz.”

  “Don’t talk to me. I’m mad at you, I wasn’t finished.”

  “You’re mad at me?”

  “Yeah, I’m mad!”

  He was speaking to me from the hallway. I was still in the living room. I couldn’t believe he was actually upset with me for getting him off of Elias.

  “Jazz I didn’t want you to kill the man.”

  “I wasn’t gonna kill him.”

  “You were getting close.”

  “Stop talking to me. I’m still mad at you.”

  When I walked to the hall, Jazz was standing in the bedroom doorway, dripping wet wearing nothing but a huge erection and a smile.

  “I’m mad at you. You know what you gotta do to make me happy again.”

  I walked over to him, touched my nose to his, and said,

  “You’re gonna stay mad then.”

  I turned to walk away but I knew he would grab me, and he did.

  “Nah, you ain’t getting away from me that easy.”

  I placed a kiss on his soft, full lips. As we were in the bed preparing to do the do, damn if the doorbell didn’t ring again. Jazz jumped up and said,

  “Let me get this one.”

  Jazz walked to the front door, butt naked, his hard dick swinging like a pendulum and opened the front door wide open. That poor woman was so flustered she didn’t know what to do.

  “Uh uh uh s-s-si-sir. I-I-I- wanted to know if you w-w-w-wan-wanted to b-b-bu-buy ummm, umm.”

  “Buy what? Are you selling something?” He asked.

  “Uh yes.”

  “Okay, what are you selling?”

  “I-I-I forgot. She said before she scurried away. Jazz stood in the door while she walked away. She would take 2 steps and look back. She was looking back when she walked into my car on the driveway. Jazz couldn’t stop laughing at her reaction.

  “I can’t believe you did that. That poor woman was not expecting to see that when she rang the doorbell. I can only imagine what she thought.”

  “She forgot what she was selling. You see how she kept looking back? Running into the car and shit?”

  “Yes, she certainly got a story to tell her friends.”

  As soon as Jazz kissed me, the bell rang again. He returned to the door still naked.

  “Magazines, I’m selling magazines! The woman blurted out.”

  ‘Oh okay, I’ll get S.I. and Jet?”

  “Oh shoot I left the order form in the car.”

  “Well go get it. I’ll wait.”

  She went to her car and came right back. Jazz grabbed his checkbook. She gave him the price, he wrote the check. She told him when to expect them then gave him the carbon copy of the form.

  “Thank you, sir.”

  “You’re welcome. Come back anytime.”

  I guess she said if he doesn’t mind, she didn’t either. So she turned around before she got to her car. We saw her coming back to the door. Jazz whispered to me,

  “Come here baby. Let’s really shock her.”

  When she came back to the door Jazz opened it and we were both standing there.

  “Oh my God! There are two of you! I had to come back for one more look.”

  “Sure” Jazz said as he flung the door wide open and we both stood there and let her look us over.

  She started fanning herself with the paper in her hand.

  “You are two fine men. I just had to get one more look.”

  A little old white lady was walking her poodle. She looked at us and gasped while covering her mouth. If she’d been wearing pearls I’m sure she would have clutched them. She started power walking away with the dog in her arm. About a minute later we saw her walking past the house again in the opposite direction but very slow. We smiled and waved at her as she walked past. She still smiles and speaks to both of us when she sees us.

  Nine

  Nadiah Allen

  Jail was miserable for me. The police tried to make me say that Ingrid threw the Molotov cocktail into Alton’s truck. The way they treated me it was only natural to assume that they treated Ingrid the same way. They kept us separated, I guess so we couldn’t corroborate our stories.

  Even though it was an attractive option I couldn’t say that Ingrid threw the bomb into the truck. I took responsibility for my actions. Ingrid is not without blame though. It was because of her constantly being in my ear that I even did what I did. She was very focused on me divorcing Alton to be with her. She pressured me relentlessly and was equally adamant that I “take him to the cleaners.” I told her that if I tried to fight in court, he could make an ass of me. She figured the cards were stacked in our favor when we found out my judge was a woman.

  I only got away with all the things I did because Alton let me. If Alton had ever retaliated I would have been in real trouble. Ingrid believed that Alton never hit me back because he couldn’t, but I know it was because he wouldn’t. Alton loved me too much to hit me. Lord knows I was the quintessential bitch for the duration of our marriage, but he never called me one through all of that. The only time he ever referred to me as a bitch was when he walked in on Ingrid and me, which was understandable.

  When I think about the way I treated Alton, I feel bad. He did nothing but try to love me but my heart just wasn’t in it. When I looked at him I hated what he represented. He represented “The Lie”. The pressure to put up a front as the nice, picture perfect family that everyone expected us to be. I was miserable and resented the fact that I couldn’t be myself and took it out on him because he was such a clueless Mr. Wholesome Goody Two Shoes. He was always so pitiable to everyone at my expense. Even when I tried to make him the villain he had a way of deflecting it and coming out
smelling like a rose.

  I am surprised he stuck around as long as he did. I’d often wished in the back of my mind he’d leave me so it would excuse my not being married. It would have been a freedom pass to live my own life. Knowing my mother she would have kept nagging me to beg him back by playing the helpless damsel. I can hear her now, “Well sugar you have to do what you have to do to keep the man happy. Beg his forgiveness and ask him to take you back.” I don’t grovel for any man.

  Going to his mother’s house was the act of a desperate woman. Child support was something I banked on. The woman always gets the child; at least that’s how it’s supposed to go. When he went to court and said I’d abandoned my child I was totally caught off guard. He put me out of the house. He was the cause of the abandonment. Regardless, the court sided with him. So I had to figure out what I was going to do.

  Alton always took care of me, paid all the bills, and made the money. My case for alimony was undermined by the fact that Alton divulged my relationship with Ingrid in court. The attitude of the court was if I was being provided for, in a nice home, living the charmed life that many wives dream about, the least I could have done was be faithful. Not only was I unfaithful, but it was with another woman while also abusing my husband. There was no way I’d get anything. It’s my fault for underestimating Alton.

  My worst nightmare finally came true. My family found out I was in jail. When they found out what I’d done, my mom and sister made a trip to express their disgust with me. My mom and I have always had a love hate relationship. She loves me and I hate her, well not really, she’s just annoying as hell. She plays the victim to manipulate people and when they don’t give in she has a tantrum. When dear old mom and sister came to visit me, Ma gave an Oscar worthy performance right in the middle of the visiting room. She bellowed, caterwauled, cried, and clutched her chest like a female Fred Sanford.

  “A woman? I just don’t understand you girl. I didn’t raise you like that. Your father and I raised you the best we could. You had everything and this is how you repay us? Lawd help me! Lawd please gimme strength! This chile of mine is gonna be the death of me! I know your daddy is spinning in his grave right now. I’m gonna die right here! Lawd please take me right now!”

  “Are you gonna perform a second act, drama queen? Of course this good Christian family wouldn’t hear of anything like that. Well surprise mama just because you refuse to acknowledge something doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.”

  “Nadiah, I don’t know where you get off talking to mom like that! I will not stand for it. You apologize to her! You have given her nothing but grief ever since I can remember. You will not talk to her like that.”

  “Sheree I mean this with the utmost sincerity, bitch go sit on a tack in a dark corner and slap yourself with your self-righteous ass! You have always tried to compete with me and constantly try to be the favorite. You won’t stand for it? Of course you won’t, but you’ll lay down for it though, ho!”

  “Who the hell do you think you talking to? I’ll kick your ass girl.” My sister said as she stood up.

  “I just don’t understand you Nadiah. Alton was a perfect husband, but you were so cruel to him. We know about how abusive you were.” Mom said.

  “Listen old woman I don’t have to explain what I did with my husband to you. You pressured me into a marriage I never wanted and you don’t understand? I am tired of keeping up appearances.”

  “You are pure evil girl. Sometimes I can’t believe I am related to someone so evil.” Sheree said with her nose in the air.

  “You two came up here to pass judgment on me and tell me how unworthy I am of being in this cesspool of a family? Well I’ll tell you what, let’s bust this thang down to the white meat! Sheree you can’t believe you are related to someone so evil? You are on the right track with that one.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Nadiah don’t!” My mom said.

  “Oh you don’t know do you?” I said.

  “Know what?”

  “Nadiah, please don’t do this.” Mom said again.

  “She is always looking for a chance to show me up and tell me how much better she is than I am. She needs to know who she truly is.”

  “What is she talking about mom?” Sheree asked.

  “Nothing, ahh you know that girl is crazy. I believe she’s been on drugs, that’s why she is acting so irrational. C’mon chile let’s go before this evil rubs off on us.” My mom said as she jumped up and shuffled Sheree to the door.

  “You are not my sister maybe that’s why you feel that way!”

  “What?”

  “You remember Crazy Lorraine? That crazy lady that used to squat and piss in the middle of the street, chase us, and bark at us?”

  “What about her?”

  “Next time you see her, say hello ……MOM!”

  “What is she talking about mother? Is that true?”

  “Ummmm….. Nadiah you will burn in hell. There was no reason for what you just did.”

  “Well your smoldering ass will be my entertainment. Sheree take a seat, you’ll need one for this. Hahahaha! You should know the other half of where you came from. Remember Buster?

  The man whose been riding a stick horse and talking to himself for 30 years? Well that’s your dear old dad. Ever wonder why he used to chase you when you were a little girl? He knows who you are but dear old mom here threatened to ‘Kill his crazy ass!’ if he came near our family again.”

  “She’s lying isn’t she mother? Isn’t she? Well?”

  “No baby.”

  “Still think you’re better than me?”

  “Mom I have a tasty bit for you too. Charles your beloved husband who you loved with all your sweet lil ole heart? You thought he always went home after his treasured visits huh? Tell your sweet ole mama where he was Sheree and what he was doing?”

  “Nadiah don’t. You promised.”

  “Since you are hesitating, I’ll tell her. Mother dear he would park his car down the block and come back to the house. Sheree the sweet little angel would let him in her bedroom window. Then he’d spend the rest of the night stealing your pudding’s puddin’. He only married you to get to Sheree. Their trips to six flags? Well unless they had roller coasters at the DeKalb abortion clinic there were no trips to six flags. Ever wonder why your grandson’s Eric and Will look so much like Charles? In the case of Eric and Will he IS the father!”

  “Sheree? Wha-Wha-Wh-Who-Whah” Mom shrieked.

  “Mother I was young, I …” Sheree said before she was cut off by the back of my mother’s hand.

  “You know I loved that man and you betrayed me like that. I can’t believe this. You goddamned slut!”

  “Don’t pay her any mind Sheree. She can’t call anybody a slut. Ask her about the two out of wedlock babies at age 14 and 15 back to back. Yeah we… I mean I, got two brothers. I know where they are. You know who your parents are. I, David, Dennis, and Earl all look like our daddies too. David and Rev. Thompson, Dennis and Deacon Harris and who does Earl look like?

  “Oh I don’t feel good. I’m gonna pass out.” Mom said to take the attention off my revelation.

  “Ain’t nothing wrong with you.” I said.

  “We always said he looks like Cousin Robert.” Sheree answered.

  “Bingo!”

  I saw my mother’s hand coming toward my face in slow motion.

  “Hit me and I’ll break it clean the fuck off!” I said looking out the corner of my eye.

  “But Robert is mom’s cousin.” Sheree said confusingly.

  “That didn’t matter to Miss Hot Cooch here. Did you ever wonder why they were so much closer than any of the others?

  Why he visited all the time but they stayed in the room discussing family business. Hah! Cause he was putting that fire out girl! They were playing the fireman and the flaming beaver.”

  “You’ll burn in hell for your evil ways. You are no child of mine!” Mom cried.

  “Oh s
hut up! You’ve done everything and fucked everybody in the book but the first one to holler about hell. So, Sheree you can stop hating me because daddy left everything to me. I was his only child. He took care of you all like you were his own. You all call me evil, but mom tried to drive a wedge between me and the rest of you so her secrets would be safe. Actually, we all already knew all of this you just didn’t.”

  Mom stormed out in a huff and Sheree, Drama Queen Jr. went to pieces as mom dragged her by the hand out the door behind her. I laughed at both of those clowns. I considered my dad and my brothers my only real family anyway. Good Riddance! I’ve never had much use for those messy bitches anyway.

  My brothers and I were always close. They were treated the same as I was because like me, they were immune to my mother’s manipulation. When I shared my inheritance with them, I think it caused an even further rift between them and my mom. She resented the fact that I’d shared with them and not her. Of course she felt I was supposed to turn over everything I got to her.

  When Alton proposed to me she was happy that she could brag that her daughter was marrying a successful architect. She thought that made her somebody. I personally resented that because I had a Bachelor’s Degree (Summa Cum Laude) and an MBA by the age of 23. In spite of all I’d accomplished on my own merit, I was nothing to her until a man wanted me, as if I needed one to complete me. I’m sorry but I’ve never been the codependent damsel who needed a man to make my life meaningful. I was making plans to go to law school when I dropped it all to get married, a decision I regret every single day!

  That mother of mine is a walking contradiction. She was happy for me to marry Alton, but she was also jealous. It was just one more thing I had that she wanted. I got my daddy’s inheritance, and my daddy’s love. The way she fucked around on him despite how good he was to her was shameful. As the ever dutiful do good husband, every time she brought home one of the fruits of her infidelity he took them in like his own until he divorced her. He never had any more kids or remarried. He left everything to me and that ate mama up!