Are You Ready?

by Amanda Hearty

  Patrick ordered them each a pizza, not having to ask what his only sister wanted; he knew pepperoni was her favourite.

  ‘Molly, I’m sorry, but maybe it will help you move on, you know?’ Patrick said, looking worriedly at her.

  Molly sighed to herself. Patrick was right. And Luke was a nice guy. He deserved to have someone in his life. He had never liked being on his own, anyway, so it did not surprise her that he had found a new girlfriend.

  ‘Patrick, it is not that I’m still madly in love with Luke, and I know I’ve to move on. But it’s just not as easy as that. It’s so hard seeing the guy you went out with and lived with for years obviously madly in love with someone new.’

  Patrick kept quiet, and then changed the subject and began talking about the movie trailers that they had seen, including a new Superman one. Molly smiled at him. He might be older than her, but he was still pretty childish.

  After Patrick had dropped her home, she went to her room and saw the new dress laid out ready, and as she changed into her pyjamas she was amazed by how much could change in a day. A few hours earlier she had been so excited about her work, and the wedding, and her new dress, and now she only felt numb – all because she had seen Luke. Just when she had thought her life was moving forward she felt it slow down and begin to fall backwards. She couldn’t sleep, so she went down to the kitchen for some water. Her mum was still up, watching an old black-and-white movie on TV. She turned the film off as Molly sank into a chair and began telling her about seeing Luke with someone new. When Molly finished, her mum put her cup of tea down and began to speak.

  ‘You know, pet, I was heart-broken for you when you and Luke split up. After all those years you had together it seemed like such a shame, a waste. I was annoyed that he’d hurt you, and I knew how hard it must have been for you to move back home. But now, when I look back, maybe Luke was right. You did want different things. Maybe he could see that clearer than you could. I know you were not that happy when you had your old banking job, and I thought changing jobs would solve everything, but maybe it was just that you and Luke were not meant for each other. You had such great times with him, and we loved having him here in the house, he was like family for years, but maybe it was fate. Maybe you and Luke were never meant to end up married. I know what I’m saying might hurt you, love, and I don’t mean to take away from you what you had with Luke, but I want you to find someone now who is truly your perfect other half. You are as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside, and trust me, some day you will find your perfect match.’

  Molly wasn’t sure what to say, and instead gave her mum a hug, made herself some hot chocolate and went back up to bed. But as she lay under her duvet that night her mind raced with thoughts. Maybe her mum was right: Luke and herself were not meant for each other. All along she had thought Luke was her soulmate, and that by breaking it off with her he had ruined her only chance at true love, but when she looked back now, she saw it differently. If Luke had been her perfect match, how come they hadn’t seen eye to eye about anything? That they had always fought and hadn’t just been happy for one another? She had seen her different jobs as the reason for their fights, but wasn’t that just a cop out? Surely work didn’t have that much influence on your love life? She suddenly felt so guilty. When she remembered how moody and depressed she had been when she worked in banking and funds, and how distant and obsessed she had become when she began working as a cook, she realized that it hadn’t all been just Luke’s fault. She had been difficult, too. She had used her jobs as an excuse for behaving unreasonably. Luke had simply been worried for her, and even after he had financially supported her new career, she had just spent all her time cooking, and taking on extra work and classes. No wonder he had felt hurt and upset. I didn’t give our relationship a chance, Molly thought to herself. She sat bolt upright in bed, wide awake with the realization that she had made mistakes. She began to understand how her actions had contributed more to their breakup than she had realized at the time. Maybe Luke had had a better handle on things all along: he had known they were never going to get back to where they had started. They really had wanted different things, Molly admitted to herself.

  As she sat in her bedroom all alone in the early hours of the morning, she began finally to have closure on Luke. She couldn’t change the past, but she realized she could change the future. She realized, too, that as hard as it had been, she was actually glad she had seen Luke and his date tonight. It had made her own up to some hard truths about herself. She had not been easy to live with – always complaining about work, or being overworked and too busy – and now she knew she didn’t want to make that mistake again. If and when she met someone new, she vowed not to repeat history. She would change.

  And by the time she began to nod off, Molly was almost glad Luke had a new partner. She wanted him to be happy, and it made her dream that some day soon she too would have someone who would hold her hand and not let go.

  110

  Sarah was locking up the gallery and making her way home. She wanted to talk to her mum before she met Hugh for dinner tonight. The last few days, ever since she had returned from Galway, Sarah had not been able to concentrate. Hugh asking her to move to Galway had really thrown her. She didn’t know if she was ready for such a commitment. She had spent a day writing up a list of pros and cons. Of course the biggest pro was moving to a city with the man she was falling in love with, and Galway wasn’t that far away; but then the biggest cons were that she had a good job and her family and friends all here in Dublin. When she had called on her sister Mel the night before to discuss things with her, she had realized that if she moved she wouldn’t be able to see her godchild quite so often or pop in to see her sister for chats. And then of course there was her mum. Sarah might complain about living at home, but her mum was her best friend, and it was hard to think about moving hours away and leaving her mum living alone. Sarah walked into the kitchen and caught her mum staring out into the garden.

  ‘Are you OK, Mum?’ she asked, putting down her handbag and helping herself to a biscuit.

  ‘Oh yes, pet, I’m just thinking how when you and Mel were small the garden was so bare, and it has taken years to get it so colourful. But now that it is there will be no one here to enjoy it, what with your father gone, Mel married and now you moving to Galway.’

  ‘Mum, I’m not definitely going yet, you know. I’m still not sure about it.’

  ‘I know, Sarah, but it is weird. I know I’ve been pressuring you to be like Mel, to meet a man and settle down and have kids, but now that you are on your way to doing that I realize how much I’ll miss you when you move. I’m not putting pressure on you to stay here, but I just want you to know I’ll miss you, pet. I know I might drive you mad at home, but I do love you so much, and only want the best for you. But you had better make sure Hugh has a spare room in that big house of his in Galway, for all my visits!’

  Sarah gave her mum a big hug, and sat down beside her. She started telling her what she feared if she moved to Galway.

  ‘Not only may I not get a job, but me and Hugh haven’t been together that long. What happens if it doesn’t all work out?’

  Her mum opened a bottle of wine as they both moved out into the garden to chat.

  ‘No one can predict if you and Hugh will last for ever,’ she said. ‘But you will know in your heart if Hugh is the one for you, and if he is you must do whatever it is to make sure you hold on to him. Good men are hard to come by.’

  Sarah knew her mum was right, but it still hadn’t helped her make up her mind. She looked again at her list of pros and cons. If she stayed in Dublin, yes she would have her friends and family but she was still a long way off affording to buy anywhere. At least in Galway Hugh already had a house, so she wouldn’t have the pressure to save, and instead could focus on her painting and on working at what she really wanted to do. She also knew she needed change: she was getting too old to be stuck in the rut of living at home and w
orking in just the Stone Studio. But she had thought her big change would be moving out of home, or being able to finally cut down her work hours in the gallery to focus on her painting, not moving halfway across the country. As she sat in the garden she realized what inspiration she had taken from it, from her mum, from the local beach, and from Dublin itself. She knew she had many more paintings in her if she stayed here; would Galway give her the inspiration she needed? Sarah knew she wanted to give her art another chance, but was a move away from everything she knew the right choice to make now? Just then Sarah got a call from Hugh saying he had to take a new client out to dinner and could they postpone until tomorrow night? Sarah was actually relieved; it gave her another twenty-four hours to make her decision, the biggest decision of her life. She immediately rang her sister and asked if Mel could spare the time to walk the Dun Laoghaire pier with her. She needed some advice.

  She arrived at Mel’s an hour later, and found John holding Fiona while Mel tried to find her runners.

  ‘So, any decision on Galway yet?’ her brother-in-law asked. Sarah shook her head.

  ‘We will all miss you so much if you go. Mel will be in bits! But it is your life, Sarah, you must make the decision on your own. Hugh seems like a good guy, although Tom was disappointed when I told him you were off.’

  ‘Tom?’ Sarah said in surprise, thinking John’s brother wouldn’t give a toss if she moved.

  ‘Yeah, although maybe it is because he worries he will be left with all the babysitting duties if you go!’

  ‘Oh, the babysitting, of course,’ Sarah said, giving her godchild a kiss. Just then Mel arrived in the kitchen, and the two girls headed off for their walk.

  Sarah told Mel all her fears about moving, but also discussed the positives, like being with Hugh and starting afresh. Mel nodded that Hugh was lovely, and his house and friends all sounded great.

  ‘It is hard for me to give you an unbiased view, because Mum and I will miss you so much, but I realize that when you meet the man of your dreams you have to go for it. I mean, if John had lived in Galway, I would probably be there now. But I suppose you need to work out what is important to you, and if it is Hugh and Galway, then off you go.’

  Sarah nodded, but was still unsure.

  ‘If only he was happy to live in Dublin, then I could have my family, my work, my friends and him,’ she said, as the girls got ice-creams and sat down overlooking the waves and boats.

  ‘Well, that would be perfect, but we are not living Disney-style lives here,’ Mel joked.

  ‘But if I don’t go to Galway, I’ll end up where I was months ago … single, and no nearer to being able to leave home.’

  Mel looked at her younger sister.

  ‘Don’t worry about living at home. All you need to do is sell a few paintings and then you could at least afford to rent somewhere, while still maybe saving a bit. I know Tom is looking for a new room-mate in his house.’

  Sarah thought about moving in with Tom, but realized it wouldn’t work: she knew she still slightly fancied him.

  ‘No, I couldn’t do that. Either I move in with Hugh or else I’ll stay with Mum for the next while.’

  ‘OK, Sarah. Listen, I know your decision is hard, and I do like Hugh, but if he really wants you to give up your life here in Dublin then why hasn’t he asked you to marry him? Is it fair to ask you to abandon your life here for a relationship that might not even be a long-term thing?’

  Sarah didn’t know what to say to her sister. She wasn’t expecting Hugh to ask her to marry him after such a short time together, but was her sister right? Should he be promising her more than just a good time in Galway? And as she went to sleep that night, what Mel had said earlier about finding the man of your dreams kept replaying in her head. Was Hugh really her Prince Charming?

  111

  Sarah didn’t sleep all night, and by 8 a.m. she was sitting on Sandycove beach with her sketch pad and pencils. As she watched the waves she remembered the story of The Little Mermaid, that her dad used to read to her at night. A tear came to her eye as she wished her father was here now to give her some advice. Giving in to an impulse, she decided to visit his grave, jumped into the car and drove out to Shanganagh graveyard in no time. It was early, so there were no other visitors. She bought some flowers and made her way over to her dad’s spot. She sat beside his headstone and just started telling him about Hugh, her dream of going back to art full-time, how her mum was, how baby Fiona was getting so big – she talked for what seemed like hours. By 11 a.m. she knew what she wanted to do. She took out her mobile phone and rang Clodagh, the part-time student from the gallery, and arranged to meet her there within the hour. By the time Sarah arrived in Monkstown and at the studio, she had already been on the phone to Maggie McCartney, the gallery owner, ending her call with a promise to one day visit Spain. It was time to talk to Clodagh.

  By 7 p.m. that night Sarah was feeling much more positive about her future, and as she ordered some wine while waiting for Hugh to arrive she finally began to relax. She knew she had made the right choice. Hugh arrived straight from work, so he looked very handsome in a grey suit and bright blue shirt. He gave Sarah a kiss and poured himself some wine. He looked a little nervous, so Sarah knew they had to just get the Galway talk out of the way.

  ‘Hugh, I’m sorry that the last few days I’ve been sounding so uncertain about moving to Galway, but you have to understand that my life has always been here in Dublin, surrounded by my family and friends. But when I met you I knew I had met a great man, so it made my decision very hard.’ She took a swig of wine.

  ‘Hugh, I knew I needed change, and your encouragement has helped me go back to being an artist. Painting again has been the biggest change I’ve made in years, but I never imagined that I might have to make another change, and move counties. But then, today, I suddenly saw how to do everything I want and be happy. I talked to Maggie and Clodagh, and Maggie has agreed that I can work three days as the gallery manager, and the rest of the time I’ll paint, as long as I promise to give my work solely to her to sell in the Stone Studio. So I’ll still be the gallery manager, but Clodagh will now have a permanent job as my assistant. She’s broke after college, anyway, so is delighted at the pay rise. As I now only need to be in Dublin three days a week I can spend the rest of the time with you in Galway. It is perfect.’

  Sarah gave Hugh’s hand a squeeze as she poured him some more wine, but Hugh’s expression did not reflect her good mood.

  ‘Sarah,’ he said, leaning forward and looking serious, ‘I’ve been mad about you for ages, and the last few months have been great, but I’m thirty-six now, I’m too old for long-distance relationships. I want and need someone I can come home to every night. I want that person to be you! Even if you were only gone for three days, that would be too much. I can see you still want to stay in Dublin, and you’re not ready to give up your life here. And I can’t compete with that, I don’t want to compete with that. I want someone who wants to be with me twenty-four hours a day, no matter where I live.’

  ‘But I will be with you,’ Sarah replied.

  ‘Sarah, I can’t do this half-hearted attempt at moving in together. I want us to start our lives as one, and be together full-time.’

  Sarah was taken aback. She had thought her idea was perfect. She began to feel angry, but then, as she looked at Hugh’s expression she realized he only wanted them to be together seven days a week because he loved her. And even though Sarah thought he was a great guy, and they shared so many interests, she could see now that he might be a prince, but he wasn’t the right one for her. If he had been, she would not have hesitated when he had asked her to move: she would have moved to Outer Mongolia if necessary. But no, instead she had got caught up in how the move would affect her job, her family, her art; even though she had known those elements shouldn’t really have come into it. She did love Hugh, but not enough. And a part of her thought back to what Mel had said. If he really wanted her to move to Galway would
Hugh not have asked her to marry him? Maybe they both weren’t 100 per cent sure.

  ‘I’m sorry, Hugh, but I can’t do it,’ Sarah said. Her throat choked up with emotion.

  Hugh didn’t look up from the table, he just called for the bill. They’d only had wine.

  ‘Hugh, I don’t mean to hurt you,’ she babbled. ‘I just don’t know what to say. I can’t help how I feel.’

  Hugh nodded slowly and gave her a hug. ‘I know, and even though I feel heart-broken right now I’m glad I finally got up the courage to ask you out all those months ago, because it has been great. If you change your mind you know where I am.’

  Sarah felt heart-broken herself. She was saying goodbye to so much, but when you know something is right you just have to go with your gut instinct, and trust it. When she got home she was glad her mum was out for the night, as she barely made it to her bed before bursting into tears. She was mourning the relationship, even if in her heart she knew that breaking up with Hugh was the best thing to do.

  112

  Today was Ali’s last day at work before the wedding; that evening she was heading home to Kilkenny. The marquee was going up, and she had been receiving text messages all day from her sisters saying the cows were all very put out by having to give their field up for the next few days, and seemed to have been getting their revenge on everyone by leaving cowpat after cowpat all over it. Ali’s mum had rung to say she was mortified when Father Conway had popped by to make sure everyone was OK, and, while admiring the marquee, had slipped and fallen right into the biggest cowpat of them all.

  ‘God will never forgive us for that, Ali, and even though I’m getting his suit dry cleaned, I don’t know how we are going to look him in the eye on the wedding day. Your father will have to triple his usual church donation.’