Being Amber

by Sylvia Ryan

  They lay chest to chest. Xander rested his chin on the top of her head. For a long while, he held her in the silence, stroking her back softly. Jaci’s heart sang while in the embrace. He cared about her, and God, it felt good.

  She knew his actions meant so much more to her than they did to him. That knowledge tempered the moment, but she’d gladly take any attention he wanted to give her. She felt whole when she was in his arms and hope didn’t seem like such a foreign concept. It was moments like this that kept her going.

  They were too impossibly close for Jaci not to notice his erratic breathing and the erection growing between them. She pulled back and looked up at him. Their gazes met and held. A storm swirled in his gaze. He suffered a conflict of feelings. She saw the battle–right versus wrong, good versus bad. All of it showed in the black depths of his eyes.

  “Xander, I–”

  “Shhh,” he said, holding her tighter, still stroking her back. “I can take it all away. The loss you’re feeling. I can give you relief…just for a while, but I can do it. Do you trust me enough to let me touch you? No sex,” he added quickly. “All that stored up pain can be released.” His arms tightened slightly around her. “Will you let me do that, sweet Jaci?” he asked in a whisper.

  Chapter 7

  Jaci’s heart fluttered. Trust him? God, she loved him. He could do anything. She’d never reject him. He was the foundation her life in Amber was built on.

  “Yes. Do it.” She was near tears when she tilted her head up and looked into his eyes. “Please.”

  He rolled her onto her back and brushed his lips against hers softly. She kept her eyes closed, afraid that if she looked him in the eye, he would be able to see her need, her pathetic desperation for him.

  A small sigh was all she mustered in response to his gentle kiss. She was on her way to being lost to him. But hadn’t she always been halfway there? Halfway toward surrender, tripping over her own cravings for his hands to be on her, for his body to satisfy her. Sate her.

  Jaci moved to put her arms around his neck to pull him in even closer.

  He took her mouth in another soft kiss. His tongue danced with hers. A deep growl resonated from low in his throat. It was a wild sound, a barbaric sound that made her want to submit her entire being to him. She wanted to be his to use forever.

  He tangled a hand in her hair, grasping it firmly and tilting her head to one side. He bit her where her neck and shoulder met. It was a sharp bite and she gasped at the sensation of pain along with the heady feeling of his tongue on her skin as he laved over the spot. She moaned as he continued the sequence along the curves of her shoulders and neck.

  She’d dreamed of Xander’s hands on her, had fantasized about it. Her body responded to him, but her mind was still trying to work, sending up vague warnings to stop.

  No sex? What was this then? There was a moment of mental struggle to turn off the nagging worry in her brain.

  Then as if he read her mind, he whispered, “Relax. No thinking. Just now. Just the pleasure, moment to moment.”

  He was right. She needed to let go and simply be. Her life was in shambles. She wanted to feel alive, like she meant something to someone. She was sure Xander’s touch was one of the few things that could get her there.

  He slid his hands beneath the t-shirt she wore. The slight brush of his fingers on her skin teased her during the slow ascent of his hands. The last of his swift, gentle tugs pulled her shirt up over her head. She opened her eyes to witness his reaction to her nudity. His expression intensified as his gaze roamed over her. His nostrils flared as if he were a beast, a predator encountering his prey.

  Jaci’s nipples hardened. She tried to tame her labored breathing as her newly bared chest heaved up and down quickly. She looked up at him. He wore the mere glimmer of a satisfied smile on his face as he took in every nuance of her arousal. Then he put her hands over her head.

  “Don’t move.”

  She felt so exposed, vulnerable. It scared her. This man held the power to devastate her, to lay waste to her emotional grid. He possessed the ability to mow her down just as she was, only now, getting back on her feet again.

  Her mind flashed to the scars from her sterilization that marred the expanse of her abdomen, and then to the total lack of interest he’d shown her up to this point. Doubt swirled inside. She desperately tried to get back to a place with no anxiety, with no fear of being hurt, when he leaned over her and kissed her again. His tongue expertly teased her mouth and rubbed lightly across her lips. She scraped her nails down his back, a plea for more of him.

  “Uh-uh. Arms up.”

  She released a shuddering breath as he pushed them up again. The pad of his thumb caressed the hollow of her neck, her jaw, her cheek. His pace was slow and her need for more increased with every passing brush of lips and thumb. She closed her eyes and felt him. Electricity sizzled in the air between them when their lips were almost touching. She shivered as his lightest strokes raised goose bumps wherever his hands caressed.

  He shifted slightly and with her eyes closed she found herself anticipating where the next touch was going to be. Her heart raced. She was panting and begging inside for her nipples to be his next focus. There was a light tug of her shorts and she inhaled a short gasp of surprise as they slithered slowly down her legs. He nudged her legs apart and knelt between them. He bent over and fanned a hot breath over her collarbone and fondled her breast. The surprise of the touch after the buildup of her anticipation sent a rush of moisture down to her core and a slow whimper from her lips.

  He trailed his lips and tongue, kissing down between her breasts. She tried desperately to consciously slow her reaction, but she couldn’t do it. Her pussy wept desperately for his attention. Her breasts begged for more after he scratched his growth of whiskers over the already impossibly erect peaks. The slow nuzzle of his face on her breasts was tender, sweet. She tangled her hand in his hair and arched up for more.

  He raked a pebbled peak firmly with his teeth. Jaci sucked in a breath, surprised at the pleasure the rough treatment provided. Her reaction elicited a low chuckle from him, and to her delight, the same treatment to the other nipple.

  He rolled her onto her stomach with firm, decisive hands, like he owned her. She reveled in it. She wanted him to own her.

  For a moment, when she felt Xander retreat from the bed, she thought the seduction was over. The heat of his body disappeared. His touch left her. His teeth were no longer working small, beautiful bites on her body. She turned her head to look at him as he moved to his bedside table and opened a drawer. She had no idea what the item he selected was. She’d never seen anything like it before.

  Xander glanced up at her. She expected him to smile, but his face was deadly serious as he held the…tool…in his hand fondling the individual strips that hung from it. “I want you to keep your arms above your head. And, I want you to trust me. Trust me enough to not stop me unless you absolutely need me to,” he said softly. “Can you do that for me, sweetie?”

  Jaci moistened her lips with her tongue. It was a seductive stall as her mind worked to figure out why she would ever want him to stop. She was suddenly nervous, but she trusted him completely. “Okay.”

  “Say stop if you want me to. Okay?”

  “Okay,” she whispered.

  “Close your eyes and relax.”

  She followed his direction and settled into a comfortable position. The first brush of the leather strips against her skin felt like a warm caress. He spent forever lightly slapping her bare skin with the tool and Jaci fell into a relaxed lull. It felt good, seemed to release tension she hadn’t realized she carried. As Xander started a third pass down her back, his strokes became harder and the bite of the leather stung. “Ow,” she yelled and moved her arms to lift herself from the bed. “I’m not sure hitting me is going to help anything.”

  “Shh. Lie down.” Xander flattened his hand on the middle of her back, pressing her into the mattress. “You promised t
o trust me, sweetie,” he rumbled.

  Jaci lowered herself back onto her stomach and raised her arms above her head again. “That was before I knew you would be hitting me,” she muttered.

  His body depressed the bed between her legs as featherlight fingertips met her core. “I know what I’m doing,” he whispered, parting her labia and spreading her moisture with his fingers. He swept his touch softly up, in between the cheeks of her ass, and then back to her pussy. It was a slow, seeking investigation. “This will help you. Now tell me it’s okay to begin again.”

  “Oh, God.”

  She groaned as he leaned over her, his chest covering her back, his lips mere inches from her ear. “Tell me.” He waited for her consent, occupying himself with the taste of her skin. He took his time, moving over her shoulders and back, kissing and biting. All the while his fingers roamed, barely glancing over the parts of her that begged for his touch.

  “Okay.” The word escaped in the softest of whispers, dripping with fear, need and quiet resolve. She took a deep breath and consciously relaxed her muscles, allowing her mind to let go.

  Disappointment rose within her as he retreated from the bed, leaving her absent of his touch once more. And then without warning, he began a series of steady, precise crisscross strikes. This time the contact of the leather strips and the tiny weights attached to the end of each one stung. Her skin sizzled under the blitz of leather blows.

  As he worked his way down her back and bottom, she seemed to be sinking into the mattress, as if it were a sponge sucking her in like water.

  After another perfect series of strikes to her ass, she was startled by the moan that released itself from her mouth. And then another escaped with the next strike. He added a smooth glide of his fingertips through her pussy without missing a beat, delivering the painfully beautiful marks he painted on her body.

  Oh God it felt good. Her body and mind let go of the last remnants of lucidity as time slowed. She was submerged into a warm, hazy sense of being. She melted. The world around her faded away. All that was left was the blackness behind her eyelids, the blood pumping in her ears and the licks of pain and pleasure. Her long, evenly spaced moans made an intricate pattern of sounds when combined with the clap of Xander’s leather against her skin. It lulled her even more. They were making music.

  As the song played on, her desire grew. She’d never felt a build up of need like this before. She was a balloon ready to pop.

  “Oh God. Oh God. Oh God,” The mindless pleading rose out of her. This was torment and rapture combined. He drove her toward orgasm. The way he touched her, slowly building her need, stretching her limits. She was too far gone to focus on anything but the headspace she was in and the impending orgasm. Xander was brutal and unrelenting with his strikes to her back. He commanded her body. It was his.

  The sound of her own wails barely reached her ears as her orgasm over took her. It assaulted her. Every cell in her body exploded. The exquisite release had an intensity that shook her to her soul.

  And then she floated.

  In a place of utter surrender.

  He continued to stroke her, penetrating her with dexterity and expertise until waves of sensation loomed again. She cried out, but barely heard the sound. She shuddered and spasmed again, losing all control as he created a perfect ecstasy for her.

  The air was a warm cocoon comforting her and carrying her effortlessly. The briefest of thoughts flitted through her head. She was high, drugged somehow. She was there–but not there. She was a scent wafting in the air. She was light.

  She began to return back to him. She didn’t want to. It felt so good, but she was merely a passenger on his ride. He held the power of these divine moments, not she. He kissed the inside of her thighs, caressed her calves, smoothed his hands over the thrumming skin he’d crisscrossed with leather. Up and down, he quieted her flesh. She felt the weight of his body depress the mattress as he leaned over her and caressed the hair away from her face. He kissed her cheek and then he trailed a finger from the back of her neck to the cleft of her ass, pausing for a moment at her rear entrance. She was aware of his movements, but she didn’t flinch.

  He rolled her and curled his arm behind her shoulders, lifting her. “Come to me,” he whispered in her ear. “Let me know when everything becomes too much. I’ll help you not feel it, help you get rid of everything bottled up inside you. I’ll take care of it for you. I’ll take care of you, always.” He lifted a glass to her lips and she drank like an obedient child. He covered her with the blanket and then left the bed. The bathroom door snicked closed.

  She was a loose puddle, clinging to the feeling of joy Xander provided for her. She lay there alone, happy.

  As time ticked by, Jaci’s body, and her senses came to her slowly.

  No sex?

  It felt like sex and something more. It felt like she gave him something from inside her. Relinquished her instinct of self-preservation and in doing so, she was completely defenseless against him now. She felt the familiar pang of sadness, the feeling of abandonment when she was in their bed alone. And it was felt more keenly this time.

  * * * *

  Xander shut himself in the bathroom. This endeavor challenged him to his highest limits, and they were a second away from total annihilation. His cock was rock hard for Jaci. It literally throbbed, throwing a tantrum and demanding satisfaction. He could no longer fool himself into thinking what he felt toward her was platonic. He was falling in love. He felt compelled to make her feel better, to provide the escape she so desperately needed. To make her world safe and…

  He shook his head disappointed in himself as he shed his shorts and turned on the shower. He didn’t know if he could do this again without fucking her.

  He absolutely refused to allow himself to fall in love and he had to make sure that she didn’t either. He didn’t want to hurt her. Enough of that had been done already.

  Jordan was covering Jaci’s surveillance for the day. He had plenty of time on his hands. He needed a release of his own.

  By the time he stepped out of the shower and wrapped the towel around his waist, he heard Jordan talking on the other side of the door. Shit. He hadn’t brought in any clean clothes with him.

  Going commando under his shorts was his only option.

  After a quick run of fingers through his hair, Xander left the bathroom and was met immediately by a disapproving glare from Jordan. She’d recognized the aftermath of his actions, and it was obvious she didn’t approve. He wasn’t surprised. She’d never suffered such soul searing pain. Never needed the catharsis, the shelter of oblivion. She didn’t truly understand the relief he’d provided Jaci. Trying to avoid Jordan’s chastising scowl, Xander walked over to Jaci who was still in bed. She’d cocooned herself in the blanket from chin to toe. He searched her with his eyes. Her cheeks were flushed. Leaning over, he met her gaze.

  “How do you feel?”

  She met his gaze with foggy eyes and then parted her dusky-pink, rose-petal lips and sighed.

  She was coming back to herself nicely. He was satisfied that she’d feel good, numb, for a while. It was exactly what she wanted and needed.

  “She needed it,” he said in Jordan’s direction before he escaped from the women through the apartment door, closing it behind him.

  Xander entered the elevator and pressed the button for the seventh floor. When he arrived there, he walked the hall, looking into the open doorways. It only took about twenty steps before he found what he was looking for. He stood in the entrance, absorbing the scene in front of him. He’d been with this group of people many times before because there were no feelings, no love or commitment between the people in this group, just sex, demanding, almost animal in its expression. Several people stood against the back wall of the apartment, watching the writhing, sweaty bodies rutting against each other on the bed. There were more men than women in the heap of flesh.

  Xander wasn’t interested in being with a man, but he couldn’t hav
e joined in with the men even if he was. Being gay in New Atlanta was against the law. The citizens were constantly fed the propaganda that this was an “illness” needing eradication from the population. The “offense” of being gay was overlooked by the Amber police force. But as a cop he was still expected to abide by the laws in public.

  From the other side of the room, Sasha held her hand out to him. She was in leather that pushed up her breasts and gave easy access to the short landing strip of hair at her cunt. She’d been watching, or more likely, waiting for the right situation. They were benefriends and she knew his needs well. There was scant romance in Xander’s sexual encounters and that was all right with Sasha. She liked rough.

  With a few steps, she was on her knees in front of him, tugging down his shorts. A moment later his cock was consumed by the warm depths of her mouth. But there was no way he could withstand her talented mouth for long. He pulled Sasha up by her ponytail and bent her over the bed, holding her down with a heavy hand on her back.

  Xander slipped his saliva-coated cock inside her and curled his body over hers, his abs conforming to the catlike curve of her back. He gripped each of her arms, holding them down on the bed. There was no warm up, no romance, just feral, reckless sex. He pounded into her, reaching around her body to stimulate her clit.

  She begged for more of him when he came inside of her. He continued to pump his hips until she came, screaming her pleasure, as her body clutched and spasmed around his cock. The encounter took less than ten minutes.

  “Thank you, my dear,” he whispered into her ear before he kissed the back of her neck and rolled away from her. Xander sat, looking away from the bodies woven together on the bed beside him.

  Dread collected in his gut as he pulled his shorts on and left the room. This hadn’t worked. He walked away from it only slightly more relieved, but also more aware that, in his head, it was Jaci he’d fucked. Jaci’s cries that echoed in his ears. It was all Jaci.

  Chapter 8