Feathers of Snow: A Goose Girl retelling (Kingdom of Birds and Beasts Book 1)

by Alice Ivinya

  He sighed and sat back, throwing one arm over the armrest. “Did you want to come here?”

  For a moment I thought he was referring to the Border and frowned in confusion. I had begged him to take me here. Then I realized he meant the Borderlands as a whole. I opened and closed my mouth, caught off guard by the change in topic. I wasn’t sure whether to be frank with the truth or dress it up. His eyes were studying me, and my heart clenched with resolve. If I wanted him to be honest with me, I needed to be as open to him as I could without betraying my secret.

  I pulled off my gloves and looked at my hands, pale from cold, as I considered my words. “No. I didn’t want to leave, and I didn’t want to marry yet. I miss my family.”

  My breath hitched as I waited for his response to the admission, and the crackling of the fire filled the room. I lifted my fingers towards the heat.

  “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice ever so quiet. “Truly I am. It was not my intention to let this happen.” He massaged his temple. “My world is cold and harsh and full of danger. You should have not been dragged into it.”

  My hands were unsteady, so I wrapped my fingers in my skirts instead and licked my lips, nerves drying my mouth. “I will try hard, though. Being your wife. Being your queen. Protecting the Borderlands. Even if it wasn’t my choice.” I met his eyes to show my sincerity.

  He cocked his head slightly. “Being married to me is going to be hard, Elyanna. My life is difficult, and you will have a share in that. With Han’s death, things will only be harder. And I understand that I’m not an easy man to love.”

  If only I could explain to him that my life had never been easy. I had always been afraid. I studied his dark eyes and saw traces of pain. “What happened?” I whispered. “Why did the wolf say you were broken? Who was the woman it spoke of?”

  I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth as his gaze dropped, and I saw his defenses rise. Then he sighed and the pain returned to his eyes, real and clear. One corner of his mouth twitched as if he were fighting an internal battle. My heart plummeted and soared at once as I realized he was going to answer me. “She was my sister, Feng.”

  I breathed out and lowered my gaze, relieved in part that I didn’t have a lover to compete with. I remembered Ruo’s tale about how the Princess had died so young when the Fort had been overrun. I should have guessed.

  I expected Jian to stop talking, but to my surprise, he continued, turning a pendant on a chain around and around in his fingers. “She was almost two years younger than me, and my closest friend. We would play and learn together, and we were ferociously competitive in the sparring ring.” He paused with a small smile. “You two would have got along. You have a similar quiet strength.” I licked my lips, but didn’t respond, hoping he would continue, and I would finally understand. “Children are banned from the Border. It’s too dangerous.” He glanced at me sideways and pursed his lips. “I’m still not sure I should have brought you. But the law has always stated nobody under the age of fourteen may come within twenty miles of the Passes. When I turned fourteen, I was assigned to train here with the guards for six months, as is the tradition for royals. I missed her terribly, and of course she couldn’t visit. I was very ignorant then. I thought the horrors of the world were exaggerated, and I thought youth and training made us invincible.” His lips jerked in a humorless smile.

  “After three months I returned to the castle for a fortnight with my family before I was due to be sent back. Feng had come up with a plan. She wanted to come too, disguised as a guard, and I would smuggle her into the fort. She was jealous that I was learning this whole brutal world without her. She dreamed of heroism and bravery. Feng was tall for her age and matched me in height, which annoyed me no end at the time. She also came close to matching me with a sword. She argued it was just as dangerous for me as it was for her.” He paused to take a sip of wine and his lips twisted in self-loathing.

  “So I let her come. It was fun, at first, exciting. So many little problems for us to solve together so she could go undetected. When we arrived her eyes glowed. However,” his voice caught, and he seemed to almost stop breathing. I didn't move, dreading what he would say next. “The breakthrough happened. Spirit-Beasts and their crazed men overran the fort. It was much smaller then. They were everywhere.” His jaw clenched and his eyes widened at the memories. “I had men specially assigned to protect me. I tried to reach Feng in time, but I wasn't quick enough. She was only thirteen, she didn’t stand a chance. Nobody knew who she was. Nobody had been assigned to rally to her.”

  He gazed into the fire and the whites of his eyes were bloodshot. “She died alone and terrified because I was an idiot and took her to the most dangerous place on earth.”

  My heart hammered in my chest and I sought for words to say. “I’m so sorry, Jian.” I met his eyes and swallowed at the pain there. “I’m so sorry. It must have been awful. But it was not your fault.”

  He shook his head sharply. “Oh it was. I knew the law. I knew the risks. I was the oldest. I cared for her more than I have ever cared for anyone else, and I still went ahead.” He swirled his wine. “But I vowed I would never let an innocent like her be killed again. That’s why I have spent so much time here. These Forts were neglected then. I’ve made them as strong as I can over the last decade. When Father dies, another will have to take my place as general, but until then, I can think of no better way to serve my kingdom than here at the Border.” He looked at me with a vulnerability I had never seen before. “I need you to understand that my place is here.”

  I swallowed again, my mouth dry and covered his cool hand with mine. “I will help you however I can.” I could accept always coming second to something so important as long as he didn’t shut me out.

  He didn’t reply, but hesitantly turned his hand palm up and interlocked our fingers in a truce. I parted my lips, suddenly finding it hard to breathe in the smoky room, but not daring to move. As our eyes moved back to the fire, I started to feel a strange sense of peace and excitement tangled together in a way I didn’t think was possible.

  The next day, Jian was a hive of activity. He seemed to have an endless list of things to inspect, people to meet, and training to review. His grief had transformed into a determined energy, and his confidence was back in full. The vulnerable man of last night was gone. In Stonekeep Jian had lurked in the shadows, often alone, leaking impatience. Here he was the center of everything, and it seemed everyone wanted to talk to him, trusting him to solve every problem. It was like watching him wake from hibernation.

  After an hour of following him around like a hound, I was bored, and it was clear I was just getting in the way. Thankfully, Jian said I could distribute the blankets without him, as long as all three of my guards were with me. His protectiveness was getting a bit annoying, but I couldn’t really blame him when he had lost his sister in these very walls. I was on a war front after all and had no experience of battle.

  I had twenty thick woolen blankets, though now I was here, that didn’t seem very many. Some had names attached but half were for whoever needed them the most. Hai Rong and Cai Hong knew most of the soldiers by name and pointed them out in the mess hall as they ate their grey porridge that tasted burnt. They received their blankets with heavy reverence, and I watched as notes were pocketed with care or kissed. I wondered how long it had been since these men and women had been home. Some asked if they could send letters in return, and I nodded to every request, hoping my bag would be big enough.

  Chen, Ruo’s son, loved his boots and assailed me with hundreds of questions about his mother, of which I could answer very few. He seemed young to be somewhere so harsh, though I guessed he was older than both me and Jian. The Prince was so serious and focused, it was easy to overlook his age.

  There were badly repaired clothes everywhere. Cloaks with unravelling stitches, boots held together by string, poorly patched gloves. I collected what the men were happy to give me and wondered if Jian would let me
use his study to sew. The fire there would help my numb fingers to work, and there was not enough light in my room from the single lamp to see well.

  Cai Hong said Jian spent most of his time in his study when he wasn’t inspecting the walls, so I went and knocked on the door. Jian seemed surprised when I entered, but happy enough to let me sit by the fire. The room was small, so my guard had to wait outside. Jeremiah and Hai Rong had been roped into unloading a cellar, and I hoped they were warmer down there. I felt mean making Cai Hong wait outside in the bitter cold, while I got to sit by the fire, but he didn’t object. I heated some wine over the fire for him so he could warm his fingers on the goblet.

  Jian was talking with two men sitting on the other side of his desk, and their discussion was hard for me to follow, mostly details of patrols and the number of men in rotations. There was a peace to concentrating on my stitching while I learnt about their world piece by piece. I wished I had brought some fur or lambs’ wool with me so I could line the tattered shoes and coats.

  I was coming to the last hole in a scarf when Jian laid his hand on my shoulder, making me jump. His lips twitched in amusement. “The meeting is over. I’m going to walk the wall to see if all is as it should be. Would you like to join me? Or Cai Hong can take you straight to the mess hall for dinner?”

  I stood and picked up the last thing I had to give away; Jian’s cloak. He was already leaving the room, so I hurried after him, eager for some fresh air and sunlight, even if it would be cold.

  “You know, Princess, that you stick your tongue out when you concentrate on sewing?” He looked over his shoulder at me with a small smirk.

  My mouth dried at the unexpected comment. Had he been watching me? I didn’t know how to respond, so I changed the subject. “Your men have poor clothes for cold conditions.”

  Jian’s face hardened. “We provide them with armor and weapons. It is their own responsibility to come with adequate clothes, just as it would be in any job. The problem is many don’t bother to maintain them properly. They learn eventually.”

  I shrugged. “They don’t even have proper washing facilities. And there are bare nails and rough edges everywhere. No wonder they get torn.”

  Jian gave me an inscrutable look, and I met his eyes openly, showing I meant no offense. His expression lightened. “It is the same at the Western Fort. I prioritized the fortifications before the comfort of the men. The new money from Sybera will help us here. First, I hope to build more fireplaces and employ a large team of woodcutters to supply us. It would mean more people in immediate danger, however, if there was a breakthrough. I still believe the men should have the discipline to care for their own clothes. The commanders are not their mothers, and it’s not your job either.”

  I bit back a retort and decided I would think of a solution rather than just pointing out problems. Maybe I could expand Ruo’s knitting circle and fund more blankets and clothes to be made. I would ask Jian to send them on an extra packhorse whenever people traveled here.

  The Prince strode through the maze of tunnels and staircases, and I felt more lost than ever. No enemy would have a chance attacking us in here. After our conversation yesterday, I felt more at ease around him and hoped he would remain more open with me. I still felt the weight of his presence, however, and the worry that one misspoken word could make him ignore me again forever. As we reached the end of a staircase, he unbolted a door and sunlight blinded my eyes as he led us onto the ramparts.

  The wind was brutal but carried no snow. The walkway had been swept, but the stone was slick with ice. The view was the most incredible I’d ever seen. I looked out to the north and saw an unblemished land of mountains, lakes and forest stretching forever, blanketed in snow. This high above it all, I wanted to step off the ramparts and fly, sweeping down and becoming one with all the beauty.

  I gripped the crenulations. “It’s beautiful.”

  Jian nodded. “Every month this view holds a different attraction. In summer those valleys are so full of primroses and daffodils you can see the colors from here. In autumn there are floods and new lakes form that reflect the gold of the leaves. It is a more beautiful land than ours. It is unspoilt.”

  I could believe that. Even the air felt different. Cleaner and more delicate somehow. I leaned further over the rampart and thought I could hear faint voices in the wind. Hundreds and hundreds of voices, too faint to catch their words. “Falada says he can hear the Land’s Song here.”

  Jian stood close to me and bent so I could hear his voice over the wind. I still wasn’t used to his height. “I don’t pretend to understand much of the Spirit-Beasts, but they say the Old Magic calls them here. It seeps naturally into all of us this far north, but if you try to draw on it yourself, it causes irrevocable harm. However, the land and animals flourish under its touch. You can have a closer look if you wish.”

  I looked at him in confusion and saw he was holding out a spyglass. I took it in excitement and scanned the gaps between the stretches of forest. Movement caught my eye and I darted the spyglass around until I found it again. I gasped. A stag was drinking from a hole in a frozen pond, but even from here, I could tell he was enormous. His antlers were as large as the surrounding bushes and branched into more tines than were possible. It was as if two trees grew from his skull, and vines dragged from them, green despite the snow. His brown coat was shaggy, and I glimpsed the same iridescent symbols across his body as I had seen on Tama’ha’s, flashing in the light then vanishing. A white stork sat on his back, as still as marble. As the deer disappeared back into the trees, I felt a pang of loss.

  I took the spyglass from my eye and looked at the Prince. “Why are we fighting them? They are so majestic, and this land was once all theirs. All we have done is damage it.”

  Jian took the spyglass back and gave me a knowing look. “Don’t be fooled by their beauty. Every one of them would kill you if given the chance. They would kill as many men as they could. These are not the ancient Beasts of legend. These are half-crazed, drunk on the Old Magic and thirsty for revenge. They aren’t Falada. They have no limits on what they will do to make themselves strong.”

  I frowned. “But in all the tales, Sal’hadar, Tamunden, Thrum’ban, and Bula were good and wise rulers. The new men came and caused all the divisions. We were the ones in the wrong. Is there no way back?”

  Jian rubbed his chin. “Not all Spirit-Beasts chose this way. Not all decided to corrupt themselves. We can’t change what happened in the past and those days where man and full Spirit-Beast lived in harmony are hundreds of years gone. We have to survive the present as best we can, and those Beasts have no goodness left in them.”

  He turned to resume his walk, his back straight despite the wind, and I caught him by the arm and passed him the cloak before I lost my nerve. It seemed silly now to have brought it all the way here when he had a perfectly decent one, but it would be even more silly to take it all the way back without handing it over. “I embroidered a cloak for you. I didn’t expect to be here when you came to the Border, so I wanted to give you something so you wouldn’t forget me.”

  I expected him to politely thank me, then dismiss it, but instead he turned his back to the wind, stretched the cloak out, and studied my needlework. “You are very talented. This must have taken you a long time.”

  I gave him a small smile. “I haven’t had much else to do. I enjoy embroidery. I find it relaxing, and I like to make dull things beautiful.”

  His eyes moved from the large wolf head picked out with silver thread, to the small swan over the breast. I wished I was better at reading his expression. “What else do you enjoy?” His eyes flickered to mine with a hint of humor. “I’m guessing not board games.”

  I exhaled a sharp laugh. It warmed my heart to see him more relaxed. “I might like them if I’m given more of a chance next time.” I gave him a meaningful look. “I’m not surprised Han had to resort to cheating.”

  Jian’s lips formed a sad smile, softening his
features. “He was always a terrible cheat. It had nothing to do with me.” He looked up and the smile stayed, and I felt my stomach flutter. I was so unused to seeing him smile and having his attention. “What else,” he said, snapping my thoughts back into the conversation.

  “Erm, I enjoy sword play and reading and riding and walking in the Havan gardens.”

  “What do you read?”

  I looked over the wall towards the mountains. “Usually books that take me far away.” Ones that made me forget about Elyanna. Ones that took away the nagging sensation of being small and lost.

  His eyes turned pensive. “You were unhappy in Sybera?”

  I faltered, not wanting to be backed into a conversation where I would have to lie. “Sometimes. It was hard to have time to myself, and certain people were difficult. Falada was my true escape.”

  He followed my gaze out to the mountains. “You know, sometimes the way the two of you mirror each other and communicate, you look like a pair from the other side of the Border.”

  I blinked, not understanding what he meant. “We’re bonded.”

  He nodded. “You are, but that doesn’t always mean much. I can see what you mean to each other. Your souls have grown to fit around the other.”

  I gave him a strange look. “Now you sound like Falada himself.”

  He snorted. “There are men of the pure Old Blood out there who live and serve the Spirit-Beasts. Often they bond with one or two for life, and when you meet them, it’s as if you are talking to a single person. You and Falada are the closest I’ve ever seen to that here, and you’re not even from the same tribe.”

  I lowered my voice. “I will admit, I love him very much. I wasn’t sure he would come with me. I don’t know what I would have done without him here, or anywhere really. I’ve never been without him since I can remember.”

  He looked down at the Fort, and I watched the men patrolling on various walkways, wrapped up in furs, banners flapping above them in the harsh wind. “Often I see the Old Blood as only a negative thing. It is good to see a positive, untainted by magic.”