Player in Paradise

by Lewis, Rebecca

  “Fine, but I’m not dancing with any guys. You can have them all,” I reply, succumbing to the pressure.

  “It’s not about dancing with guys. This is about celebrating you, and your last night in LA. I’m going to miss you so much!!!”

  She arrives at my apartment and dresses me up in one of her trendy outfits – a black dress with all sorts of crazy cut-outs. I feel extremely exposed, but Mandy claims that it’s “hot.”

  It doesn’t take long to get to the club, and she grabs my hand as we enter the sleek Hollywood hot spot. Mandy orders us two cocktails and pulls me out to the dance floor. The music is so loud that I can’t hear a word she says even though she’s shouting in my ear. I nod and smile, playing along, and dance close to her. We’re jumping up and down to the beat and pumping the sky with our fists. The waitress brings us our drinks and we guzzle them down way too fast.

  “Don’t leave me all alone in this city full of assholes!” she screams. I frown and throw my arms around her neck. She really is the best friend I always wished I had. We’ve only known each other for six months, but it feels like it’s been a lifetime, like we’re sisters.

  I pull back and move to the music again, feeling it vibrate through my body. Suddenly, a large hand grips my shoulder. For a brief moment I expect to turn around and find Austin, but instead turn to find a large, dark-featured man gesturing for me to dance with him. I smile, but decline his advances.

  Mandy raises her eyebrow…he is pretty good looking.

  “He’s all yours,” I shout into her ear.

  She squints at me, waiting further confirmation.

  “Take him, I need a breather anyway,” I say, passing him over.

  I head to the booths near the back where the music is a little softer and the crowd is less dense, and take a seat at the end of one of the plush couches. I watch the sea of club-goers dance together in a wild mess. There are groups of girls and guys dancing together, smiling, clinking glasses. The go-go dancers gyrate on the stage as the strobe lights bounce off the walls. I should be having a good time, but I can’t seem to enjoy myself.

  I check my phone and find that it’s only midnight…much too early to call it night. I order another drink from the waitress and sip it slowly. A few guys pass by and try to catch my eye, but I keep my gaze down, hoping they’ll get the picture and keep on walking.

  I rise to find the restroom and pass some time. As I make my way through the crowd, I’m stopped by someone grabbing my arm from behind.

  “Since when do you go clubbing?” a familiar voice asks.

  My stomach immediately leaps into my throat and my breath is caught in my windpipe. Am I imagining this? I can’t turn around…I don’t want to make it real.

  His fingers dance up my arm to my bare collarbone, brushing my curled hair aside. Now I know it’s him. I shudder, but keep my eyes forward.

  “I’m leaving,” I respond loudly, hoping that he hears me even though I haven’t turned to face him.

  “I’ll come with you,” he responds.

  “No, I mean…I’m leaving California.” I slowly turn around as my eyes begin to burn. “I’m moving back to Florida.”

  Austin shakes his head and quickly grabs my wrists. “No, no, no, you’re not going anywhere. I gave you your space and now you’re supposed to come back…to me.” He stands there completely still, towering over me. The lights bounce around him and the music fades to the background as I stare up at him. It’s like we’re the only two people in the club. He places his hand over the left side of my chest. “Listen to your heart, Olivia, not your head.”

  Did he think it would be that easy? Three weeks of radio silence and then we could pick right back up where we left off? The point of ignoring him was to help me rationalize our situation without my emotions, or my hormones, getting in the way.

  I step back so that his hand falls from my upper body. “It doesn’t work like that, Austin.”

  He scowls and raises his hands in the air. “Fine, I’m out of here. Have a nice life, Olivia.”

  As he turns, I drink in his long, lean body, filling out a pair of dark denim and a black v-neck t-shirt so perfectly it should be illegal. My brain tells me to ignore him and get back to Mandy, but after seeing, hearing and touching him for a few seconds, my body feels drawn to him, like there’s a magnet pulling me in his direction.

  I chase after him until we’re outside the club where the paparazzi immediately descend upon him. Grabbing me by the elbow, he quickly leads me to a parked SUV and I willingly follow. I get in as the flashes go off before my eyes.

  “Just drive,” Austin instructs.

  “Wait, Mandy’s still in there,” I protest, pointing back to the club. Maybe this was a bad idea. Actually, I know it’s a bad idea.

  “She’ll be fine,” he says, eyeing me up and down.

  I cross my arms and stare up at the roof of the car. I don’t want to look at him. I don’t know what to say. We drive around in silence for what feels like the longest few minutes of my life.

  “We can make this work,” he finally states, reaching for my hand again. “Just stay.”

  “I already made up my mind, Austin. I’m going back home. It’s easier that way.”

  “Since when is life supposed to be easy?” he snaps.

  I drop my head down and fidget with my seatbelt. “I don’t know, Austin, okay? I’m not strong like you. You’ve been through a lot of tough shit in your life and I don’t know how you’ve survived it, but you have. And I love you for that. I love you for your resilience, for your passion, for you not giving up on me, like I have on you…”

  My hands can’t cover my eyes fast enough. I’m a sobbing mess and I’m sure it isn’t pretty.

  “You can be a tough bitch, Olivia. I’ve experienced it first-hand boss lady,” he says with a laugh. He tries to pry my fingers from my eyelids, but I don’t want him to see me like this. “I won’t let you give up.”

  He kisses each finger that blocks my face from his and I slowly drop them away. I nearly forgot just how gorgeous he is as I stare into his deep blue eyes, glimmering like the ocean under the moonlight. Before I can study them further, he closes his eyelids and locks his soft lips with mine. As his tongue slips through, the sensation makes my insides tingle like the first time we kissed. I grab for his mess of unruly hair, tangling my fingers in the familiar waves.

  Austin unbuckles my seatbelt and quickly pulls me on top of his lap. He rolls up a privacy window between the driver and us, and the outside windows are tinted so that there’s no way you could see inside. His hands slide through the cut-outs of my dress and find their way to my breasts. I don’t stop him.

  “Easy access,” he says with a smirk.

  I flash him a smile and grind my pelvis into his, feeling his erection through the denim fabric. I’ve missed him so much, his touch, his smell, his taste. Everything with him feels so right, even though I know it’s wrong. I know I’m just setting myself up for disappointment, and I hesitate initiating any further contact.

  “Stop thinking,” he whispers in my ear before kissing my neck.

  “But we can’t do this….” I grab onto his shoulders tightly.

  He interrupts, unzipping his fly beneath me. “We can, right now.”

  Picking me up by my waist, he effortlessly lowers me down on top of him, sliding my panties aside. My eyes close on their own accord as he enters me, taking me to another world. This is the only thing that can stop my thoughts as my brain clouds over with sensory overload. His finger nails scrape against my arms and his teeth tug on my lower lip. His hips buck up and down, bouncing me in a quick, steady pace, filling me with pure, unfiltered bliss.

  My hands leave his shoulders as I grab for the headrest behind him to keep myself steady. I break my lips apart from his to tug on his earlobe with my teeth and he moans softly, thrusting harder.

  “I love you,” I murmur, wrapping my arms around his neck securely.

  He tilts my head back to st
are directly into my line of sight. Biting the side of his lip, he grins so wide I can’t imagine anyone looking happier or more satisfied. “I love you too.”

  As our mouths collide again, he drives himself up into me at a quicker pace and grabs a fistful of my long hair. My resulting release is more than just sexual; it’s a release of all the feelings I’ve been holding inside for the past few weeks. I sigh loudly, as silent tears roll down my cheeks.

  Austin is quick to follow, and finishes, resting his forehead against mine. I stay still, keeping him inside as I stare into his eyes. I see a man who’s scared, who doesn’t know what to do, but would do anything…for me.

  “Don’t go,” he pleads, embracing me in the tightest, warmest hug I’ve ever received. “Don’t leave me.”

  I sob into his shoulder as he keeps me confined between his biceps and chest. I turn my head and gaze out onto the side streets we’ve been circling. It’s not fair. I want to return these feelings to him, and I would, but I’m terrified of what could happen if we try to stay together. It will hurt less to just get out now.

  I finally calm down and ease myself off Austin’s lap. Wiping my eyes, I stare out the window again. “Just take me back to the club.”

  He grabs my hand and squeezes it. “You don’t have to do this.”

  “Yes, I do.”

  He shuts his eyes and breathes in heavily. “I’m not going to stop loving you. Even if you’re not here. Even if I never see you again.”

  “I know,” I say, slowly letting go of his grip. “Me too.”

  The SUV parks about a block away from the club. “Behave, okay?” I say, my lip already trembling. “Don’t drink too much. Don’t party too much. Just take care of yourself. Promise me you’ll take care of yourself?”

  He nods, blinking fast. If he cries I’ll lose it. It’s too hard to say the word “goodbye,” so I just open the car door and hop out without looking back.

  I walk down the street toward the club and re-enter, searching for my friend. “Where the hell have you been?” Mandy shouts as I catch up with her near the bar. “I’ve been looking all over! I thought you were kidnapped.”

  “I sort of was…”

  “What?”

  “Austin was here, at the club, near the VIP section. So we went outside…to talk.” I don’t want to elaborate on our other activity…she’ll think I’m crazy.

  “Oh God, please tell me you stuck to your guns.”

  “Yes, I did. It was hard, but I did tell him I was moving, and that this was it...”

  Mandy pulls me in for a brief embrace and hands me a tequila shot. “Good. Drink this; it’ll make you feel better.”

  I swallow the alcohol down and return to dancing. The last thing I want to do is go home right now and face the reality of what the rest of the week will bring.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  The day has come and the airport is bustling as I lug my heavy suitcase to the counter. Picking up my tickets, I remember the last time I was at LAX. Everything here reminds me of Austin. I can’t escape him even if I tried…his photo is on the cover of every tabloid magazine in every newsstand. I guess Priscilla conveniently leaked the news about the pregnancy, but I doubt they will officially confirm it until Cassidy’s further along.

  I try to sleep on the plane ride back to Florida, but it’s useless. Watching TV, listening to music, and reading are good distractions, but nothing will be able to distract me enough to get my mind off of him.

  Finally, I arrive in Jacksonville where my mother is practically jumping with joy at baggage claim.

  “Livvy!” she screams, running to greet me.

  I walk with her to grab my bags from the carousel. As we head to the car, she spews question after question. All I really want to do is sleep, but I try to answer as much as I can without giving too much away. I’d rather have my relationship, or non-relationship, with Austin remain a secret.

  We arrive at the house thirty minutes later and I stumble back into my childhood bedroom. There’s still a few boyband posters on the walls and photos of my high school BFFs…who turned out not to live up to the “forever” part of that acronym.

  I text Mandy to let her know I arrived safe and sound. I want to text Austin so badly, but force my fingers to back away from the keyboard. I should just delete him out of my phone, but I can’t bring myself to do that yet.

  Mom takes me out to dinner, but I just push my food around my plate. “What’s wrong?” she asks.

  I spin my spaghetti around my fork. “I met a guy in LA and I guess I sorta miss him.”

  “A guy? Was it serious? Tell me about him!” she says, excitedly.

  “It’s nothing,” I respond. “We just hung out a few times…I didn’t realize how hard it would be to be so far away from him though.”

  “I’m sorry. Well, you can always visit, right?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe.” I take a sip of wine and chew on a piece of bread. “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it.”

  “Okay,” she says. I’m not convinced…I know she’ll worry about me all night, and probably the rest of the week, or maybe until I get back to acting “normal.”

  “You know, the school is looking for a new assistant office admin; would you be interested?” Mom asks. She’s a nurse in our town’s middle school. I smile and nod, but jumping into a new job isn’t exactly high on my priority list.

  The next few weeks are so monotonous that I can’t fathom how I used to live like this every day. After living away from home for so long, coming back isn’t easy. Mom’s always on my case about cleaning up the house or pitching in to cook dinner. I’d rather be scouring the web applying to PR jobs, but unfortunately there aren’t many opportunities in this area.

  Mandy sends me a text one night while I’m out shopping. “Austin’s going to be on Entertainment News tonight. Just thought you might want to know.”

  Just what I needed – more Austin, but I can’t pull myself away from the TV when I get home. I don’t want to see him, but at the same time I do. Even though I’ve had a pretty clean break from him, it’s still hard to get through the day without him; much, much harder than I thought it would be. I miss seeing his stupid, devilish grin. I miss his carefree style…no one here dresses like him. I haven’t spotted one boy in a beanie in Florida.

  The hosts queue up the segment, saying that they caught up with the stars of the new movie, Connected, at the premiere tonight. I knew that Austin had finished filming a movie a few weeks before we met, and this must have been it. Video of Austin and Cassidy pops up on the screen. He’s patting her belly, which has a small, yet visible bump. It’s real. She has a baby bump. She’s going to have his baby. Oh God. I don’t think I can watch anymore.

  Mandy sends another text. “I’m sorry. Call me if you need to.”

  I close my eyes and try to stop my mind from racing. This was part of the reason I left in the first place though. He needs to raise his baby and grow his career without any distractions. If he leaves Cassidy now, then he’ll get major backlash from the press. And I want him to be a good father, a great father. Maybe it will give his life a new purpose…he can be the type of parent that he never had the chance to have. He’ll be a great dad, I know it.

  The reporter asks Austin some questions and I open my eyes to watch. His voice makes me jump…it’s been so long since I’ve heard it.

  “…Yeah, everything’s really great. This was a fun film to shoot and I think the audience will really like it. And of course I’m taking good care of Cassidy; we can’t wait to be parents.” He’s smiling with a bright, toothy grin, but his eyes don’t light up in the same way. I hope I’m the only one that notices.

  My stomach sinks and I want to scream as I continue to stare at the screen. Why did I have to fall in love with someone I can’t have? I still want him, and I know Austin will say everything worth having is worth fighting for….but I’m more concerned about his life than mine. His life could be ruined, and he’s already had
to go through so much turmoil that he deserves to have fame and fortune now.

  “Who’s that? He’s cute!” Mom says as she walks by the family room.

  “Oh, that’s Austin Ford. He was one of my clients,” I respond.

  “You knew him?” she asks, shocked.

  I nod and try to smile, but just saying his name out loud makes my voice shake.

  “What’s wrong honey?” She takes a seat on the couch next to me.

  “Nothing, it’s nothing.” I turn the TV off so I don’t have to see him anymore.

  “It doesn’t look like nothing.”

  I sigh, resting my head on her shoulder. “That was the guy I was telling you about…the one I liked.”

  “You were dating an actor? I don’t trust those Hollywood types. Good thing you left.”

  “Mom! He was different…he was nice. He cared about me.”

  “Well, maybe he did, but he looked pretty happy with that blonde girl on TV.”

  “Yeah…it’s a long story.”

  She gets up and takes a basket of laundry left on the floor with her. “Well, I’m all ears for whenever you feel like sharing.”

  “Ok, Ma, I’ll keep that in mind.” I respond as she leaves the room, but I don’t think that will ever happen. It’s hard enough just thinking about what happened, there’s no way I could share it and have to re-live the experience again.

  Chapter Forty

  Whoever said that time heals was a liar. They were obviously never in love. I would like to slap that person in the face because as time goes by, I only miss Austin even more than I did the day before. Of course it doesn’t help that I’m surrounded by his presence everywhere I go. His movie was a huge box office success, and Cassidy’s been on “bump watch” in every major tabloid, so of course he’s been on all the covers. I’m sure Priscilla is pissing herself with joy.