Duly Noted

by H. M. Shander

  The smooth silver card slipped into her palm. She looked at it before pocketing it. “I promise.”

  “That’s all I can ask.” They waved goodbye and strode off to say good night to everyone else.

  Nate returned in normal clothes and held her hand. “Thanks for tonight. It means so much more than I can tell you. You putting that trust in me, being here, and hanging out with my family.” He rested his forehead on hers. “It was such a great day.” He took a deep breath. “There’s been something I’ve been meaning to say.”

  She stared at him. The tone of his voice had an edge to it. “Well, spit it out already.”

  He rubbed the top of her hand, and then gazed into her eyes. “Today… Today was more than I could’ve hoped for. You put so much trust in me. I hope I haven’t shaken it and jeopardized our relationship.”

  She shook her head, curious where he was headed with this. “You haven’t, trust me.”

  “Good. Because–” A big sigh. “I loved, no I mean, I love having you here with me. It means,” he covered his heart with her hand, “just that much more. I love you, Aurora.”

  Shock registered on her face as her knees weakened. “Wow. Nate–”

  He brushed a strand of her hair from her cheek. “It’s okay. I don’t expect you to say it back. But I wanted you to know. Since you’re here with me at the track, my family knows how I feel. Figured maybe I should let you know as well.”

  She wrapped her arms around him, inhaling a unique scent of fuel and sweat mixed with a hint of burnt rubber. Although at first, the smell turned her stomach, she remembered his motto of trying to turn a negative into something positive. He was alive, living and breathing in front of her. That was a positive enough start for her and she breathed him in again, touching him. “Thank you for exposing me to this. It’s nice to see this side of you.” Deep in her heart, she knew she wasn’t yet ready to say those three words. They held too much feeling, and as much as she felt she was falling for him, she couldn’t repeat them back.

  “Like I said before, it’s okay, you don’t have to say them back.”

  “I… I’m just in shock.”

  His fingers lazily played with her hair. “No one ever said that to you before?”

  “No one has said it that I actually believed.”

  He looked her in the eyes. “Say what?”

  “I’ve heard it before, but I always thought they said it because they felt they needed to or because they wanted something from me. But I believe you when you say it because I know it’s the truth.” Her hand rested against his heart.

  “I have no reason to lie to you.” He leaned his forehead back against hers. “Should we get you home? It’s already after eleven.”

  They walked to the car after saying good night to his family. Brenda gave her a big hug and whispered, “Thanks for making Nate’s birthday.”

  In his palm, Nate held the tiny container with the Isa. “Whenever you’re ready.”

  She swallowed. This part – she hated it. Prying open the container, she poured the only pill out and popped it in her mouth. “Cheers to not remembering the ride home,” she laughed, but her voice didn’t contain an ounce of happiness.

  “It’ll be fine.” Nate rubbed her back. “But I’m going to watch the time, so we don’t get a repeat.”

  Nodding and breaking free from his warm embrace, she touched the car. “So far, okay.”

  He held her hands, linking his fingers through hers. His warm lips touched hers, and she felt an internal fire light up, taking the chill off from the crisp night air. She wanted more. More than just to be held, so she pressed herself into him, as if trying to fuse with him. A leg of hers linked around his, and she wrapped her hands around his waist.

  He broke off the kiss, and gently pushed her away. “Not like this, okay?” He opened her car door. “Whenever you’re ready.”

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  It smells like dirty shoes and something’s chiming. I feel woozy like I’m being launched. The elevator, she came to realise. She was in it moving higher up. Which meant she wasn’t in the car anymore and she was home. Safe and sound although she had a funny feeling things could’ve gone south. “Nate?” she called out.

  “Right here.” A touch on her arm milliseconds before his voice touched her heart.

  Relaxing, she melted into him, knowing he was close enough to lean on. He really needs a shower. He no longer smelled of body wash and crisp air. More like a mixture of sweat and something she couldn’t quite put her finger on.

  “Keys?” he asked.

  After unlocking the door, they stepped in and full, total relief washed over her. Back on her own territory.

  “You did it.” Nate swelled with pride.

  “Thanks to you. And we made it in the nick of time.”

  He checked his watch. “Under forty-five minutes. Hopefully there’s no photo radar.”

  “Speeding were you? I thought that was reserved for the track.”

  “Or when I know how urgent it is to get someone home.”

  “Touché.” She smiled. “Thank you for an interesting day.” She leaned into him as the soft cotton of his t-shirt caressed her cheek.

  “It was, wasn’t it? Would you come again?”

  She pondered for a moment. “If there was an easier way to get there.”

  An arm wrapped tighter around her. “What would you suggest?”

  “Teleportation.”

  Nate laughed. “Well, since that’s yet to be invented, what else?”

  Smiling, she pulled out of his embrace and walked to the fridge. “I don’t know.”

  “You wouldn’t come again?”

  Although there was no double meaning in his statement, she raised her eyebrow at him, regardless.

  “Oh, hah-hah.” He grabbed her hand, and twirled her out into the eating area. “Seriously.”

  “Well, that depends.”

  “On?” Swaying in time to music she imagined only he heard, she held on tight as he danced with her.

  “On whether or not you’ll want me enough to ask me.”

  He dipped her. “Oh. I see. Fine.” He smiled. “I’ll ask again.”

  “I’ll check my calendar.”

  He twirled her towards the door. “I should get going. I don’t want to, but I need to.”

  “Okay,” she said sadly, knowing there would be nothing she could say that would make him stay and spend the night. Tonight was not the night, they agreed. However, that time was coming soon. She gave him a kiss. “Thanks. For today. And happy birthday. I hope it was a good one,” she said between kisses.

  “The best.” He broke off, and waved goodbye as he exited the apartment.

  She woke the next morning, stiff and achy. She’d been so worn out that she woke in the same position she fell asleep in and it wasn’t the most comfortable. Arms stretched above her head, she spotted her phone, and a quick peek revealed it lit up with messages. Daddy, Kaitlyn and a couple from Matthew James.

  She called her panicked father explaining that they arrived home late and forgot to call, but she was okay. Slumping on her bed, she listened to him berate her for the better part of five minutes before hanging up on him. All further calls landed in voicemail. She’d deal with him later, besides Kaitlyn had texted she was on her way over. And there was still the matter of Matthew and his texts.

  The night with Matthew only a week ago, and so much had happened in that time. She debated what to do. Call him back? Ignore him? Yesterday with Nate was beyond anything she’d ever experienced and even though it was way out of her comfort zone, she survived it, and enjoyed it. Nate gave her hope. Matthew, on the other hand, had only given her sex – hot, core-bashing sex – but that was it. Matthew and Nate. They were so different. Light years apart. Nate made her feel special – alive – even without the sexual connection.

  Kaitlyn marched into the apartment holding up a big bag of greasiness and a tray of coffees. “I’m not waiting until lunch, so spill
it. You don’t look very happy for a girl who spent the entire fucking day with her boyfriend.”

  “I’m just battling something.”

  “Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

  “Yeah, but not yet.”

  Kaitlyn looked hurt. “Oh, I get it. It’s a man sex thing, like he’s smaller than you expected? ‘Cause I can’t help you there.”

  She laughed with Kaitlyn. “No,” she opened the bag, “nothing like that.”

  “So, tell me then.”

  “I will, just not yet. I need to figure some things out first.”

  “Mmm-kay,” she said after taking a huge bite out of her breakfast sandwich. “Then we’re cleaning up this pigsty, Aurora. This place is a mess.” In their dorm room, Kaitlyn had been neat and tidy – an everything-has-a-place-so-let’s-put-everything-in-it type person, so she let her. She didn’t care. But now, she had to admit as she looked around, the place was kind of a disaster. She hadn’t washed the dishes before Nate came over. She was rather embarrassed as she looked around.

  Aurora’s phone pinged and pinged, to the point where she could tell it was pissing Kaitlyn off.

  “Seriously, just answer.”

  “Nah, it’s Dad, and he’s angry with me. I hung up on him this morning.” She told her all about their brief yet disastrous conversation. “I’ll call him back when I’ve had a chance to settle down, and maybe he has too. I don’t need another lecture right now.”

  The girls finished breakfast and Kaitlyn helped her clean up. The doorbell buzzed, and both looked at each other. Aurora was still in her jammies and put on her best ‘please’ look to Kaitlyn as she folded her hands together.

  “You owe me.” Kaitlyn buzzed back and opened the apartment door.

  A minute later, a soft knock sounded. “Flower delivery.”

  Kaitlyn smiled. “I wonder who they’re from.”

  She had a sneaking suspicion, but didn’t want to say anything.

  Kaitlyn unwrapped them, and before she could grab the card, Kaitlyn turned and read it. “My lady, I can’t do without you. Call me.” She fanned herself with it. “Oh la la.” She stuffed the card back into the bouquet. “How romantic. Things must’ve gone better than you thought.”

  Aurora grabbed at the back of her chair. Kaitlyn was referring to Nate, but she knew better. Only Matthew would’ve sent the flowers.

  “Aurora, are you okay? You’re very pale.”

  “I need to sit down.” She pulled out a kitchen chair. Her phone continued to ping.

  Kaitlyn glanced at it. “Matthew?” Then realisation dawned on her. “Oh my god, not that Matthew? Not that SOB from the library – that author guy. Why is he calling, Aurora?” Her voice filled with rage.

  “I honestly don’t know.” And she didn’t because she hadn’t texted him all week. You’d think the guy could take a hint.

  With her phone in Kaitlyn’s hand, she watched as her eyes grew bigger and bigger. Before they could explode from her head, Aurora ripped the phone away.

  “Do you care to tell me what the fuck is going on between you and him?” Kaitlyn’s shrill voice was pitched high enough to make dogs bark.

  “There’s nothing going on. Anymore. It just happened.” She snapped, and it felt good to at least acknowledge something.

  “You just happened to go on a date with him?” She nodded. “Aurora, please don’t tell me you slept with him.” Aurora kept her lips sealed. “Oh god, no.” She wagged her finger at her. “Bad girl. Bad, bad girl.”

  “It’s not what you think.”

  “Not what I think? You had sex with him, right?” Kaitlyn stood after she nodded. “Gross. He’s like forty years old. Ewww.” Her friend shook violently on the spot. “What’s wrong with Nate?”

  “Nothing. We’re just not there in our relationship.”

  “So you’ll sleep with that beast instead.” Kaitlyn smacked the table startling her. “When?”

  “Last Saturday.”

  “Seriously, Aurora. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

  Her vision blurred as the tears built. “I was feeling guilty about Nate, and I was mad at Nate for pushing me so hard. Not that it matters, but I thought of Nate the whole time.”

  “You’re not making any sense.”

  She lay her head on her arms. “The whole fucking thing doesn’t make sense.” Her voice was soft, the fight gone from her.

  “What sort of sick appeal do you get from Matthew?” She was being sincere in her questioning.

  “The opposite from the appeal I get from Nate. Matthew didn’t push me and accepted the limitations I have. Whereas Nate wants more than that.”

  Kaitlyn flopped down beside her. “That’s a problem for you, is it?” Aurora shrugged. “Let me see if I got this straight. You’re confused because two men like you. One pushes you to spread your wings, and encourages you to see the world. The other is content with you living in your closed up little world, where he ultimately has control." Her friend hovered inches from her face.

  “It’s scary with Nate, but in a good way. But I don’t know how much I can take.” She sighed and lowered her head. “Or how much he can take, if I can’t give anymore. If his pushing breaks me, will he still want to be around me?” The tears she held back burst free of their hold, and streamed down her cheeks. She ran her hands over her face. “Pathetic isn’t it?”

  Kaitlyn leaned back. “Actually, when you put it like that, not so much. I kinda understand now.”

  “Great.” Her voiced ringed in sarcasm.

  “But you need to figure out who you want. In here.” Kaitlyn lightly touched her chest above her heart.

  What she wanted was a big sister, and Kaitlyn was as close as she would get. And that brought a fresh wave of bitter, angry tears. “I want Nate. I’m just afraid.”

  “Sometimes fear is a good motivator.”

  “Yeah?” She wiped her nose on her sleeve. “But is it good for a relationship?”

  Kaitlyn hugged her. “Only you can answer that. Only your heart knows what’s worthy of it. But for the record, I think Nate’s the one. You’ll make cute babies.”

  With that, she laughed out loud, as the tears fell. “You’re already talking babies? We haven’t even had sex yet.”

  “You will.”

  “There’ll be no babies though. The accident made sure that would never happen.”

  Kaitlyn rubbed her back. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

  “It’s okay. It’s not something I run around telling people. I’m not sure when to tell Nate that though.”

  “I’m sure when the time’s right, you’ll know.”

  She sat up straighter in her chair, and narrowed her eyes. “You sure like to tell me to listen to my heart. And where has it got me?”

  “Where has it got you?” Kaitlyn jumped out of her chair. “Where has it got you? Oh my god, Aurora. Look at you. You have this wonderful man, who clearly adores you and pushes you to be more than you think you’re capable of. And he doesn’t do it for his own selfish reasons, he does it because he believes in you. He believes in you.” Her finger came close to puncturing her heart. “He’s getting you to do things, to try things that your two years of shitty therapy have failed to do. He’s given you hope. If I was straight, I’d fucking scoop him up and let him take me away. I can’t believe this is even a debate for you.” Her best friend stormed around the living room.

  “But we have a connection.”

  “What? You and the jerk? Because his cheating whore of a wife was in the other car? What kind of sick, fucked up connection is that?”

  She had no reply. Even in her head, nothing made sense, so there would be no reason to give it a voice.

  “You know what your problem is, Aurora?” Kaitlyn stood over her, glaring down. “You’re afraid to let him in. Not everyone is Derek. Not everyone will leave you when you’ve hit your lowest point. Those that are worthy of you, will push and fight for you. And we both know which one is doing that.”


  Aurora rose from the table and stormed down the hall. Her stomach in knots, her head a swirling mess of thoughts, all twisted and convoluted, and it pained her. Relief was but a pill, or two, or three away. The containers lined up in a neat little row called out to her, and she chose the one that would provide the escape she needed right now.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Kaitlyn sat on the edge of her bed. "Hey, feeling better?"

  She rolled over and stared at her friend. "Much. Thank you."

  "So what's your plan? Are you going to stay with Nate or," she shuddered, "pick up where you left off with Matthew?"

  "There’s nothing with Matthew. Nate’s who I want." A loud sigh, and the start of a smile. "I'm falling for him but I'm really scared. What if something happens? What if during the race he's in an accident? Then what?"

  "Then you deal with it, especially if you love him. Does he know about Matthew?"

  "No," she hung her head. "Do you think I should tell him?"

  "Yes, and no." Kaitlyn scratched her chin. "Either way, if he finds out, you risk him leaving. If you admit it was a mistake, and you thought you were broken up, maybe he'd be more forgiving."

  "So either way, I'm fucked."

  "In a nutshell."

  "Great."

  Kaitlyn passed her the phone. "You left this out in the kitchen and it's been driving me crazy." She rose. "Come out when you're feeling better."

  She flipped through her messages. Most were ignorable. A couple from her daddy. A few from Matthew. A message from work with her schedule, which she didn't like. And a couple from Nate.

  She texted Nate. Hey, you.

  Nate: I miss you.

  Aurora: U2. Can U come over tonight?

  Nate: No… have a meeting. 2mrw?

  Aurora: No. I work the 2-9 shifts all week. :(

  Nate: Bummer. When can I see U again?

  Aurora: We can have lunch?

  Nate: :) :) :) Perfect. How about 1, every day? A picnic behind the building.