CircleintheSandDraftFinalBarnesNoble

by Owner

  “We were, but I blew it.”

  “What did you do?”

  He pauses and I wait. He’ll tell me because he has to. I only wish I could do the same. I feel my eyes begin to well up, but I fight it back.

  “She knows,” he says.

  Immediately, my heart races. “Oh my God, Ned. What happened? How did she take it? I thought you said you weren’t going to tell her?” My mind is rattling away when the worst notion of all bullets right into my brain. What if she knows that I knew?

  “Can I speak now? Geez!”

  “Go.”

  “I didn’t tell her.”

  “Then how…”

  “She figured it out.”

  “That doesn’t make any sense, Ned. Details!”

  “We were at the park. Ranger Station. Things were going great. We were talking things through and then I tried to kiss her. It was like I was doing a freaking reenactment. What a dumb ass. Then she went off on me.”

  “Did you do that on purpose? To get the truth out or maybe push her away? Or do have but one set of moves, Ned?” I regret the last question as soon as it comes out, but I’m so concerned about what this will do to all of our friendships.

  “I don’t know. Maybe I did want her to find out. Not to push her away though. It could have been because I was too damn cowardly to tell her straight out. Now I’m screwed.”

  “If you explain to her what happened. Why you did it.”

  “She wouldn’t give me a chance. I didn’t try that hard because I felt like such a jack ass.”

  “I’m sorry, Ned, but we knew this day might come.” I pause. “Did she ask if I knew?”

  “She didn’t ask, but…”

  The front door opens, delivering Eric and James home. Their adorable golf attire doesn’t sway me from my concern, but I smile at them, point to the phone. How will I make it through this day? “But she’s gotta know, right?” I say as I walk into the kitchen. “I’m sure she suspects. I haven’t heard from her in a while.”

  “Em, I’m really sorry I screwed things up. I will try to make it right. I know I have to.”

  “What have you been waiting for then?”

  “I get it. I’ll take care of it. Em, I really do care about her. I want to work it out, and I can’t believe it’s come to this. I’ve gotta go, but I’ll come by in a day or so.”

  “Call me if anything happens. Love you.”

  As soon as I hang up, James crashes into me, putter in hand. “Mommy, you shoulda seen me. I made a good putt.”

  “You did?” I bend down to his level, rest my hands on his arms, and hold back more tears.

  “Yeah, after the driving range, we putted. Daddy said it was like ten feet.” He spread his arms out wide.

  “That’s great, Buddy. I’m so proud of you.”

  Eric appears in the doorway. He unloads his wallet and keys to the counter. “It’s quiet in here. Benny asleep?”

  I kiss James, then stand, doing my best to avoid eye contact with him. “Yes, he needs to get up or he’ll never go to bed tonight. You mind? I know you just got here, but I have to call Jax. It’s important.”

  “Sure. Hey, Buddy, let’s go wake your brother.”

  I quickly grab my phone and step out back. I’m dreading this, have been dreading that this day would ever come. I take in a cleansing breath as the phone rings. “Jax,” I say when she picks up.

  “Hey,” she says.

  “Gotta sec?”

  “Before you say anything, I know why you’re calling.”

  “Oh.”

  “I can’t talk about this right now. Not to you or Ned.”

  “Can I at least say I’m sorry?” Hot panic flares up. My eyes burn. I squeeze them shut while I wait for her reply.

  “God, Emily. I expected this type of shit from Ned. But not from you.” She’s not shouting. Her voice is low, monotone, which is even worse. “I knew the second I heard your voice. I’d hoped it wasn’t true, but you never were a good liar. Or at least I thought so. I have to go.”

  She’s gone before I can say another word. I’ve let down the most faithful, supportive friend in my life. I stare at the phone, breathing, trying to focus on keeping it together. I have to make dinner. What did I have planned for tonight? I can’t let go again…not now. Just hang on a few more hours. Until I’m alone. I open the fridge and scan the shelves. When I spot the chicken marinating in the pan, I force a smile. “Yes, chicken. Good.” I heat the oven, then begin pulling out bowls, utensils, to set the table. I eye the top cupboard which houses our liquor. My head turns back to the hall to gauge how long they’ll be back there. I can’t risk it! My body and arms move robotically, completing the tasks of preparing dinner. But no matter how hard I will myself not to let the thought enter my brain, it’s there, repeating over and over. How will I survive this loss…and without one of my best friends?

  CHAPTER 26 - NED

  I stand on the side of the court, doubled over, trying to catch my breath as I watch drops of my sweat hit the polished floor. It’s been months since I played ball with these guys, which might give me a reprieve from some of the pussy comments that are sure to come my way any second. Even after I’ve been playing hard all morning—attempting to knock Jax out of my head. No such freaking luck. I hear the ball bouncing toward me, footsteps along with it. A hand slaps on my back, hard as shit.

  “How ya feeling, Nancy?” Pete says.

  I don’t answer with the “fuck off” he deserves. It’s not in me today. I straighten, give him a look, and start to head back in when his voice booms over me. “Guys! Give us a minute.”

  I stop, turning back to him. “C’mon, man. Let’s just play some ball.”

  “You can kill yourself after we talk about what’s got you so jacked up.”

  I follow him to the small set of seats against the wall, thankful for the break. We sit, staring out at the other guys who’ve given us the time by getting drinks. Pete is tall, the blue-eyed blonde-haired Ken variety, but with the maturity of a teen sneaking into an R-rated movie. All of this wise-ass, joking behavior takes a back seat when someone he cares about needs him. “Well?” he finally says.

  “Well what?”

  “Is this about the hot leggy babe you selfishly keep locked away from me?”

  “Sage. No, it’s not. I told you we’re just friends.”

  “Then who? Because you sure as shit wouldn’t be acting like this over anything but a woman.”

  “It doesn’t matter anymore. I’ve decided to focus on work.”

  Pete roars back in thunderous laughter. “Bullshit!” he shouts in between breaths. Some of the guys glance over.

  “If this is your idea of helping me out, you’re doing a pretty shitty job so far.”

  Pete calms. “So that’s why you’ve been kissing up to Sampson lately. And why you came in early last week. You’re hiding.”

  I wobble my head back and forth in denial.

  “Dude, I know you. Just tell me.” He pauses, gives me a blank stare. “Or don’t, I don’t give a shit.” He starts to get up, but I block him. “Okay, let’s hear it,” he says.

  “You’re right. There is someone.” I jam a finger near his face. “Don’t ask who.” He leans back, holding up his hands. “I can’t stop thinking about her no matter what I do. I see her face everywhere, think about how her hair smells, how she talks to me even when she’s giving me hell, her big brown eyes that seem to carry love for everyone she meets. But none of that means a damn thing because I already blew it before I even had a chance. I hurt her pretty bad.”

  “Holy crap, man. You’ve got it bad.”

  “That’s it. That’s all you got?” I get up, heading for the ball resting on the ground.

  Pete trails me. “Hold up.”

  I bounce the ball, starting at him blankly.

  “Sorry, man. All that Harlequin shit threw me off. Just give me a sec.” He stares at the ball, going up and down from the floor to my hand. After a few seconds h
e looks up. “I don’t know if there’s anything I can say to help you get with this girl. But I know you, and this mistake, whatever it is, will eat you alive. What you need to do is make it right. Focus on making amends. If you really care about her, that’s the most important thing, right? Worry about the rest later.”

  I take his words in, seriously thinking about what he said. He’s right. I’ve known it all along. Jax is too important to me to leave things like this. Even if I don’t have a clue how to act around her any longer, even if I make a complete ass of myself, which I probably will, I have to try. I toss the ball to Pete, his hands catching it face-level. Then I say, “For a dumb ass, you’re pretty smart sometimes.”

  ●●●

  Plan A, to show up at Jax’s house, harassing her until she lets me explain so she can forgive me, failed. She wasn’t home. She doesn’t exactly have a set schedule. I will track her down. I even enlisted the help of the ex-con, gritting my teeth during our conversation. So now I’m at the soup kitchen she sometimes volunteers at before heading off to the bar. The jailbird told me it was Taco Tuesday, Jax’s favorite night. After speaking with a guy named Edgar, I wait in the back, watching volunteers load up pans with meat, cheese, and tomatoes. I told him Jax has been asking me to come by, and I want to surprise her. I’m worried if she has a heads-up, she might take off.

  A few minutes later, a woman with a long, gray ponytail shoves an apron and a hair net at me. “Edgar said to put these on.”

  I scan the room as I comply, hoping Jax shows up any minute. Not that I’m above helping out the poor, but I’m on my own mission here. I shuffle over to the doorway and take a peek out in the seating area where very likely Jax is chatting with the patrons.

  “You gotta problem with meat?” someone says behind me. The woman who gave me the apron is tying one on herself.

  “Meat? No, why?”

  “I always ask. Wouldn’t want to give a vegan the meat tray.” She turns to the counter behind her, plucks a giant tin of ground beef from the top, her unusually large muscles flexing. She couldn’t have gotten those guns from lifting food trays. “Here, grab this and head out there.”

  I take the steaming meat tray, which smells pretty damn good, thinking like this could be a long night. If Jax is a no-show, I could be stuck here for a while. Out front, the crowd is already pushing forward, eyeing the spread. Most of the people are the image of the average grocery store patron, with only a few falling into my own stereotypical image of the needy.

  I stand behind the pan, sandwiched between Schwarzenegger’s mom and a short Hispanic woman. Running through my mind as the guests shuffle over are possible escape plans. Scenarios include a sudden bout of the stomach flu, a work emergency, can’t find my keys, all of which sound incredibly weenie and would make me a first-class chump the second I got through the door. My only option is to suck it up and grab a fucking spoon.

  I have to admit, the longer I stand here the better I feel. So many grateful, smiling faces passing through. So many “thank you’s” and “how are ya’s” from these humbled people, excited about tacos and good company. And the kids. Some of them break my heart just gazing into their innocent eyes. Where one looks wide-eyed and scared, another appears unusually excited like he’s on a surprise trip to Disneyland. I keep thinking how unfair life is for kids like this, even the ones that don’t seem to have a clue what’s going on.

  After a while, I relax into my job, return the smiles, the greetings, even tell a few jokes. A young girl with long, blond hair and beautiful green eyes that stare at me hopelessly, stops in front of me. She doesn’t say a word as she hands me her plate. So I ask her, “Do you know where cows go for lunch?” She shakes her head without speaking. “The calf-eteria!” I say with a haughty laugh. She stays silent, eyes lock on me. Quiet falls around us as I reel in my laughter, looking like a dork. Then my two female bookends bust out laughing. The girl eyes them, then can’t contain herself. Once she is laughing full force, I join in, bringing stares from all around. I hand her the plate back, hearing a quiet, giggly “thank you” from her before she moves forward.

  After about half an hour, the line comes to an end. Tables are filled with folks eating heartily, laughing comfortably with friends and strangers. A chance to forget life if only for a short time. I realize I haven’t looked out for Jax or even thought about where she was for most of the time I’ve been out here. For the first time in days, the hole in my chest isn’t so huge. But I can’t understand why being here has made me feel any better about what’s going on with me and Jax. I think about all the time and energy Jax puts into places like these, and finally it hits me. You can sit around and dwell on all the things in life you wish you had, bitch about all the regrets of the past, every damn thing that you missed out on, focusing on how to fix it all; or you can count your blessings and pass some on to others. In the end, you’ll get more than you need in return. This is how Jax has lived her life. It makes me see more than ever that I have to make things right with her, even if she won’t give me another chance. She deserves that much.

  When the line is cleared, I join the volunteers, serving ourselves and sitting with the patrons. With everyone mixed up, it’s difficult to distinguish between the haves from the have nots. My new girlfriend, little blondy, smiles and points to an empty seat next to her. We eat in silence. I catch her staring at me each time I glance over to her. When my plate is empty, she points to a lone tomato chunk and says shyly, “Why did the tomato turn red?” I’m already smiling at her sweet face when I say, “Why?” She looks away, hooks her arm under her mother’s.

  “Well?” I say leaning back in my chair to give her more space. “You can’t leave me hanging now.”

  She stays nestled against her mother, but turns her head to me. “Because he saw the salad dressing.”

  I laugh along with a few others at the table, sending her into a triumphant smile. “That was great. Can I borrow that one?”

  She nods, still grinning like she’d pulled off an Oscar-winning performance. I thank them all for sharing the table, wink at my girl, and grab my plate. As I get up, at the next table I recognize the tall, thin man Jax called Willy at the church that night. I’m surprised when he reaches his hand out to mine. When we shake, he smiles and says, “Calf-eteria! Good one.”

  I stay to help clean up, chat with a few of the ladies. I mention Jax, saying it was too bad she wasn’t here tonight. Two of them glance at each other, appear to hold back grins. Edgar comes in the back before I leave, shakes my hand. “Come back any time,” he says. “We can always use help. Bring friends. Hell, bring enemies; we don’t care, so long as they can serve food and smile. We even got Lefty coming here once a month, and he’s only got one arm.”

  I’m not sure if he’s joking when he slaps my back with a chuckle. “I’ll be back,” I say fully meaning it.

  I walk out to the dimly lit parking lot alone. I’m staring down at my keys when a car pulls to a stop between me and my car, startling me, causing my keys to fall to the ground.

  “Have fun in there?”

  I snag my keys, look up. “Jax?”

  Her window is down, arm resting on it, low music coming from the radio. “Quite an experience, huh?”

  I stand, caught off guard by her presence. Why does my heart kick into overdrive every time I see her now? “Uh, yeah, it was…an experience.”

  “That’s what I just said.”

  I take a few steps toward the car. I have no idea how to read this woman any more. “Yeah, I was agreeing with you.”

  “You handled that meat pretty well,” she said with a smirk.

  I let out a sigh. “You saw?”

  “I was around.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you let me…” I catch the expression on her face. “Oh, I get it. You wanted me to get stuck in there. To watch me twist in the wind. That’s fair.”

  “Actually, no,” she says flatly. “I wanted you to have that experience. And without me
there clouding it up.”

  I take one more stride to her door, place my hand on her arm. “I’m glad you did. It was a gift, and I thank you for it.”

  She slips her arm out from under my touch. “I should go.”

  “Wait, Jax.”

  “What?”

  “Can I please explain myself?” I suck in some air. “I’d really like to tell you why I kissed you that day, and why I never told you it was me.”

  “Here’s the thing, Ned. You hid this from me for a long time. You and Emily. So whatever reason you tell me won’t erase that fact. If there’s no trust between us, what do we have?”

  I listen, all the while my heart being squeezed in a virtual vice. “I’m sorry, Jax. You’re right. I only hope someday you’ll be able to forgive me. I’ll do whatever it takes for you to do that. To be my friend again.”

  She stares at me for a moment, then turns to put her car in gear as she gazes out through her windshield.

  Leaning down, I try to get her attention. “Do you think that’s possible? That you’ll forgive me and be my friend again?”

  Her head turns to me one last time. “Yes, Ned. I do,” she says, nodding. Then she drives away.

  CHAPTER 27 - SAGE

  “I don’t understand how you and mom could go out of the country. Why do you even have to be there?” I’m on the phone with my father who just called me from London.

  “I’m sorry, honey. You know I’m still on the board. Philip needs me for this deal.”

  “Grandmother needs you more. And so do I.” I face my window, the back of my chair to the door. “Where’s mom? I want to talk to her about something” Last night in bed, Travis convinced me that I was avoiding the one person I should be talking to about my decision to freeze my eggs and my fears about cancer. It’s too bad he was only on the phone and not lying right next to me.

  “She’s in bed. It’s eleven o’clock here.” Mom had been on her own business trip and met Dad in London so they could have some time together away. As if they need to be away. They couldn’t get any farther away.