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He chuckles. “That’s just fucking life, girl.”
“What wisdom. You should have that tattooed on your ass.”
“You should count yourself lucky you made it this far being so damn sure about everything. Because I’ll tell you it’s a rare thing. If you ask me, doubts are good. They mean you care…about the outcome…the person you’re dealing with. No doubts and you’re either confident as hell or you just don’t give a shit.”
God, which one had I been my whole life? Maybe I was more like my father than I realized or ever wanted to be. “I don’t feel very lucky right now.”
“You may not feel lucky, but I’m lucky that you walked into this place. And I’d be willing to bet everyone in your life feels lucky to have you, including Mr. Khakis.”
That I wasn’t sure about. I’d shut out Ned and Emily, two of the three people who mean the most to me. I tried my whole life not to judge people or their decisions. When I finally come out and start pointing fingers, I pick them? “For a tough guy, you’re pretty soft.” I get up, fling my arms around his neck and squeeze. “Thank you, for the talk and the job offer. I’m going to give it some serious thought.”
“All this serious shit is making me thirsty,” he says. “Want a soda?”
As we head to the front, we hear knocking at the door—most likely a delivery. The shades are pulled so we can’t see who it is. “I got it,” he says while I go behind the counter to pour the sodas.
I’m sipping a Coke when I hear Matthew say, “Khakis! And you brought friends this time.” He steps aside to let them in, and I’m surprised to see Ned holding Ben, with Emily by his side. I’ve seen him holding the kids countless times, but something about the sight of him with little Benny in his arms makes my heart tumble. Our eyes connect from across the room. I can’t help but smile in response to his.
They approach the bar with Matthew following behind them. Formal introductions are made, then Matthew says, “I’m going to head back and go over your numbers.”
“Hey, guys,” I say, heading straight for Ben. He’s wearing a t-shirt that reads, “I’m two. Get used to it!” I try not to let my eyes land on Ned’s, focusing on Ben’s sweet chubby cheeks instead. I poke his little belly. “I missed you,” I say. He grabs my finger. “Jax, Jax, Jax!”
“We missed you too,” Ned says.
I turn, heading back to the bar. “I was talking to the kid.” Emily and I exchange a quick hug. “Let me get you guys some drinks.” I get Ned a Coke, Emily a water, and Ben a pineapple juice, hoping it’s an acceptable substitute for apple juice. Ned seats him on a bar stool as Emily comes behind him so he won’t fall. “So, weird to see you two here with the little guy. Where are James and Sophie?”
“Eric has the day off, so he’s with James and will pick up Sophie after club practice.” An uneasiness settles over me at hearing that. “Ned took us out to lunch, and we just happened to eat at The Beach House down the street.”
“Yeah, and we saw your car so we figured we’d stop by,” Ned says, his voice high pitched.
“So, ganging up on me, huh?” I say jokingly. I recover quickly with, “I was here doing the books and finalizing plans for Rose’s birthday. You both still coming?”
“Yes,” Ned says.
“Of course,” Emily says. “So how’ve you been, Jaxie?”
“Good…busy.”
She holds the straw and glass so Ben can sip without spilling. “Do you remember when Sage had that huge crush on Ian Fetzer? He wouldn’t give her the time of day. And remember we heard him say it was because she was too superficial?”
“Yeah. I’m assuming you’re going somewhere with this story.”
Ned laughs and adds, “You guys told her he was gay.”
“Gay, gay, gay!” Ben says.
Emily gives Ned a cross stare. “Thanks.”
“I remember that,” I say, coming from behind the counter and pulling a stool across from them. “She was so pissed when she saw him making out with Amanda at the movies that time.”
“Don’t you remember what you told her when we all talked about it?” Emily says.
“I have a vague memory, but I hope you’re not trying to compare that to this situation.”
“You want to play with your trains, Benny?” Emily asks. He nods, and Ned lifts him to the ground while Emily unloads a toy store worth of trains from her purse onto the ground. Kneeling down next to her son, she gazes up at me and continues. “You told her she had to forgive us because we acted out of love for her and that sometimes logic goes with love about as good as diarrhea and a road trip.”
“So you’re saying you lied…that you kept this from me out of love?”
Ned speaks up before Emily has a chance. “What we’re saying is that when you love someone, it’s tough to always make the right choices. And sometimes you keep things from them out of fear of losing that love.”
I can forgive them for hiding the truth, but what about for Ned kissing me in the first damn place? Should I forgive him for stealing my moment and forever changing history? Emily’s phone rings before I can decide.
Ned and I stare at each other silently until we both detect the panic in Emily’s voice. “Oh my God, are you sure?” Her wide, helpless eyes flit between us. “Has everyone at club left?” She pauses and the uneasy feeling I had before returns. “Uh-huh. Yes! I think her name is Mrs. Meyers. Call me right back.” Her hand is shaking as she hits the button.
Ned is instantly at her side, arm around her shoulder. “What’s wrong? Was that Eric?”
“Yes, he’s at the school, but Sophie’s not there.” Her voice is shaking, eyes watery.
“Does he know if she showed up at guitar club?” Ned asks, and then my heart lurches in my chest as Emily shakes her head.
“Guitar club?” I ask, as my pulse races around my body.
“Eric is searching for the teacher to see if she made it there. All the other kids have left.”
“She was at guitar club?” I ask again even though it is clear she was. Sophie asked me at Christmas break if I would help at guitar club if she joined. That explains the anxious feeling when Emily mentioned Sophie was at club practice. I just didn’t put it together. “Emily, I totally forgot. I’m so sorry.” This is my fault. If I hadn’t been so caught up in my own problems this might not have happened. My stomach turns, and I think I’m going to be sick. “If I had been there…”
“Stop, Jax.” She takes my hands in hers. “You didn’t even know it had started.”
“I should have,” I say and shake my head. “I should have.”
CHAPTER 29 - EMILY
I can’t breathe. I’m drowning in my fear, choking on failure. Instinctively, I pick up Ben, hold his head against my chest. I won’t pass out if I’m holding my child. God, please, please, let Sophie be there. I think I’m saying this in my head, but Jax and Ned are at my side, rubbing my back, telling me it’s going to be okay. But they don’t know. That’s just what you say in situations like these. And that’s especially what you say to someone like me, who’s on the verge of losing it. It’s difficult to ignore the irony of the last two years. What had all of my psychotically driven efforts to keep my children safe done to protect Sophie? But there was no time for, or point to, dwelling on this now. So I push the thought to a corner like a naughty puppy to deal with later.
“I don’t understand,” I say to no one in particular. “They’re supposed to take roll at club. They’re supposed to know who should be there.” I gasp, sucking in a large chunk of air that doesn’t take. “How long has she been gone? I should have told Eric to call the police.”
“I’m sure he will once they check the school,” Ned says. His words stab me in the gut. My eyes cut to his. “But they’re going to find her,” he adds, realizing what he’s just said.
I check the time on my cell for what seems like the hundredth time. “It’s been six minutes.” Six minutes of that pulse pounding hell in my brain, waiting for Eric’s call. I sc
an the room, not looking for Sophie, but searching for something to take this pain away. I’m surrounded by alcohol, but what kind of mother would I be to take a drink at a time like this? I need my mind clear, focused. I’m ready to scream when my cell rings. I hand Ben to Ned.
“Eric!”
“I found Mrs. Meyers back up at the office. Honey, she doesn’t remember seeing Sophie.”
I will myself to stay calm. “How is that possible?”
“It’s the first day. All club kids met in the cafeteria, and then they broke up into their groups. She said Sophie definitely wasn’t with her but may have been there in the beginning with everyone. She said it’s possible she accidentally went to a different group, but they’re all dismissed.”
I’m not used to hearing Eric’s voice sound so desperate. He’s always been my rock, even with James’s accident. I need him strong. “We have to call the police, now! I’m coming over there.”
“I already called. They’re on their way. Every person left on campus is searching the school. Can you call her friends’ mothers? The police are here. Let me call you back.” Silence. He’s gone.
This is not happening. My brain rewinds to this morning. I watch Sophie wave from her classroom door as she enters. Pink skirt, white shirt with a silver princess crown embroidered on the front, hair down with a little braid dangling from one side. This is not real. The phone spills out of my hand and onto the counter. I run both hands over my face and into my hair, pulling tightly at the roots, my eyes glued to Ben who is clueless and all smiles. My babies…why does God keep trying to take my babies? My teeth clench together as I pull tighter on my hair. I close my eyes, begging for the echoes of my pounding heart to stop. After a moment, wetness covers my lips. I run my tongue over them. Strangely, the salty tears remind me of the beach. Imagine the beautiful waves, the soft ocean breeze. I need something to focus on. I draw in a long, slow breath, hold it for two seconds, then exhale. My eyes open to Ned and Jax staring at me.
“What can we do?” Jax says.
Somehow, my whole body quiets and comes under my control. I untangle my hands from hair, pick up my phone, plans formulating in my mind. “Ned, call Eric back and tell him Sophie was wearing a pink skirt and her white princess shirt. Jax, help me start calling some of these moms.” My voice is steady, determined. I scroll through my contacts as Jax grabs a pen and paper from behind the counter.
When I see Ned has hung up, I ask him to call Eric’s mother, Rosa. She can watch Ben and James at the house while we search for Sophie. He asks her to bring any of Eric’s family members that can get away. We’re not wasting any time waiting, and until I know Sophie is safe, I will do everything in my power to find her. “Pictures!” I say in between calls. “We need to go home to get pictures. Eric has some on his phone,” I remember. I think about calling him for an update, but I don’t want to waste precious moments. I have to trust he’ll call when they find her. Because they will find her.
Jax’s boss comes from the back, concern etched in his face. He jumps in, immediately offering to help.
Remaining at the bar is not a good idea. Each call I make takes time, so I ask Ned to drive me around while I continue the calls. Jax and Matthew take her car while Ben and I go with Ned. We plan to meet back at the house after each of us has checked spots that Sophie can possibly get to—places she is familiar with.
As we drive, I glance at Ned, making sure he is fine behind the wheel. I see his chest moving quickly up and down, his eyes darting around. No matter what his reassuring words say, I know my twin. He’s frightened out of his mind. I think of James and pray he’s not terrified for his sister. I can only hope that Eric didn’t tell him the whole truth.
Scanning the streets, I try to keep my mind clear of the horrific scenes that attempt to flash before my eyes: a tiny body lying alone, a scared confused girl, too many scenarios battling for my attention. Trying to suck me into a downward spiral. “Stop!” I shout involuntarily. Ned snaps his head my way, begins to slow and pull to the side. “Where?” he asks.
I can’t tell him I was screaming at the images in my head. “God, no. I’m sorry. Keep going, Ned.” I check the back to make sure Ben is okay. He’s eating goldfish crackers and staring out the window like he’s joining the search.
I finally reach one of the moms whose daughter went to club today. She asks her while I wait on the phone. A moment later she tells me her daughter saw Sophie at the beginning of club, during the intro. I hang up and Ned pulls to the curb of the park near our house. My cell rings as I’m getting Ben out, who thinks we’re there to play. Ned chases him to the sandbox.
“Em, where are you?” Eric asks. He sounds a million miles away.
“At the park. Any news?” I execute a 360-degree scan of the area while I wait for his update. A man walking a bulldog off in the distance, a woman pulling cans out of the trash, two women pushing toddlers in swings.
“The police have everything. They say you should go home right away. It’s the first place kids tend to go.”
I pause, feeling lost in the middle of the park, a small speck on a giant spinning sphere. I gaze far behind the trees and out to the freeway thinking how much more lost and frightened Sophie must be at this very minute. She could be anywhere by now.
“Emily!”
Eric’s voice cuts in. Hearing him use my name leaves me even more out of sorts. Neither of us are ourselves. “I’m here.”
“How are you holding up? You gotta stay strong, baby.”
I swallow and answer. “I know. I will. And I have Ned. We’ll go to the house. What about you?”
“Right now they’re searching the whole school, room to room. So I’ll stay here until that’s done.”
“Ok,” is all I can manage.
“We’re going to find her, babe.”
I hang up and see Ned coming toward me with Ben. “I asked those ladies over there, but they haven’t seen her,” he says.
“Eric says we have to check the house.”
●●●
By the time we pull up to the house, it’s been almost an hour. I race to the door, unlock it, and rush in. I begin room to room checking and calling, even though it’s not likely she managed to get into the locked house. Ned is right behind me with Ben.
Five minutes later, I’m on the sofa, arms leaning on my legs with my face buried in my hands. Not a sign of Sophie. I can’t hold it in any longer. I sob through my fingers, gasping for air. My mind goes to a thousand different places as I try to get myself under control. I see myself, years from now, still mourning the loss of my daughter, knowing it was all my fault. That I wasn’t there to protect her. A tiny hand touches my wrist. “Mama.” I pop my head up, lift Ben to my lap. “Brubby, sissy, pway?” It’s not that James and Sophie play with Ben after school, but he always asks. I rub his back, put on a smile, and say, “They’ll be home soon.”
Only now do I notice Ned standing by the open, door peering out. Thank God for my brother. “Jax just pulled up,” he says. He leans out, scanning the street. “Looks like she brought some people.”
I go to the door as Jax is walking up the driveway with Travis. We exchange a quick, wordless conversation that tells us neither has found Sophie. Jax hugs me, and it’s all I can do to keep from crying again. “Thank you,” I say as she releases me. I glance out to the street and see two cars and a truck. “They’re all here to help?”
“I called in some favors,” she says, shrugging. “They’re ready for whatever you need.”
I set up the printer to make photocopies of pictures I have of Sophie. Ned takes over printing while I call and check in with Eric. Minutes later, Travis exits my front door to hand off a stack of photos to one carload of Jax’s friends. As he walks back in, he says they will keep in touch by cell. Thankfully, Rosa arrives a few minutes later, ragged and worried. She grabs my face, kisses my cheek, then looks me in the eye. “They will find your baby. Sophie’s coming home, dulce madre.” She takes Ben to put him
down for a nap while Jax and I sit on the couch, trying to sort things out.
We sit, knees toward each other touching, hands held tight in the middle. “You’re doing great,” Jax says, “Hang in there.”
“I don’t know what I’d do if you and Ned weren’t here.”
“We’ll take care of whatever you need. We’re going to find her.”
Travis enters the room and sets down two waters on the coffee table in front of us, then leaves the house armed with more photocopies. “She’s out there somewhere. My baby girl…she needs me.”
“I know. I’m sorry. But we can figure this out. Could she have gone to the beach?”
“No, remember when she walked in on Eric watching Shark Week?”
“Right.”
“She hasn’t gotten over that yet.”
“Was she upset at you or Eric or one of the kids for some reason?”
“No, none of us. It doesn’t make sense. Why would Sophie leave like that? Unless…” I can’t even say the words. Nausea floods over me. I wrap my arms around my stomach. My eyes blink away tears, willing away the image of someone stealing my child.
“No!” Jax says. “Don’t even think like that.” Her eyes water up. She glances down. “I’m so sorry, Emily. If I had been there like I should have, this might not have happened.”
“I told you. This is not your fault. I don’t blame you. You’re a part of my family, and I let you down. That’s why…” I stand abruptly. “Oh my God!”
“What?” Jax bounces up next to me. “What is it? Did you remember something?”
“Sophie wanted to know why I wasn’t picking her up today. I told her Ned and I had hurt your feelings…that we did something wrong.” I look Jax square on. I grab her shoulders trying to contain myself. “I told Sophie that when you hurt a friend that is so special to you, that you need to do whatever it takes to make it up to them, and that’s why I couldn’t pick her up. You see? Because we were going to see you.”
