by Annie Murray
‘I don’t know.’ She thought for a moment. ‘For myself, I suppose, yes. But it’s my mother you really needed to ask that.’
Olivia watched her face, not saying anything.
‘There are other things I want to know.’
‘I know.’ Olivia roused herself suddenly and stood up, becoming almost cheerful again. ‘Look. We’ll have a long talk. Let’s go and make tea first.’
Anna stood up, offering her the box of éclairs. ‘Sorry – they’re probably a mess by now.’
‘Oh, how sweet! What a treat,’ Olivia cried.
They went into the kitchen with its huge grey stove and tiled floor. A wooden drying rack hung from the ceiling holding a row of blue and white tea-towels.
Olivia filled the kettle and then turned, taking Anna in affectionately with her eyes. ‘You are so like Douglas – his eyes and that beautiful hair. How is he?’
‘I’ve no idea,’ Anna said, startled. ‘I’ve never met him.’
Olivia stood up straight, disbelieving. ‘What?’
‘He left her, not long after you did. Or at least, he went to work in London and she didn’t go with him. He cut off completely, never a word. That was how he was, she said. Didn’t you know?’
‘No.’ Olivia seemed quite stunned. ‘I had no idea. We had no acquaintances in common even, really. And anyway, I was in London. I only ever saw her that once . . .’
‘After you’d had Krishna?’
Olivia nodded. ‘She wouldn’t speak to me. The look in her eyes . . . And we both brought up our children alone. We should have been able to help each other.’ She hesitated, gathering her resolve. ‘Anna, I need . . . Will she see me, d’you think?’
Realization rushed through Anna’s mind, appalling. ‘Olivia,’ she said gently. ‘Oh God, I’m so sorry. Look, this is partly why I came now.’ She could barely get the words out. ‘Mummy died on July 29th. She’d been ill for some time. I just assumed you knew.’
Something stopped her touching Olivia. A glove of complete stillness had slipped over her, something impregnable which made Anna afraid. She could think of nothing to say, nor could she read the look in Olivia’s eyes.
They both stood there, very still. Then Olivia said, ‘No,’ softly at first. She made a swift movement and grabbed the kettle beside her full of almost boiling water, yanking it so that the flex came out and water splashed from under the lid soaking her hand, and she hurled it across the pale blue table. The lid came off and water pooled, steaming, across the table, splattering down on to the floor, and the kettle took the milk bottle with it so there was a smash of glass and a diluting white pool and the tinny bounce of the kettle on the tiles.
And Olivia’s cries, her hand scalded. ‘No, no, no!’ she screamed. ‘She can’t be. She can’t be!’ The mugs crashed to the floor and she was opening the cupboard by her head and hurling sugar, tea, coffee across the kitchen. The cries tapered to a high scream which kept coming and coming out of her mouth like thin metal tape.
When Krish and Jake came pounding down to the kitchen, Anna was pressed against the stove, eyes stretched wide. A pile of sugar was dissolving gently into the water on the table, and tins from the next cupboard were slamming against the pantry door at the opposite end of the room.
‘Get her arms,’ Krish ordered Jake. ‘Just hold her still a minute while I talk to her.’ He began making soothing noises.
Though Jake was far bigger than Olivia, he seemed to need to use a good deal of his strength to grasp her from behind and pin her arms to her sides. As soon as he held her, though, she surrendered automatically as if by routine.
Krish stood in front of her, bending to look up into her face with big, appealing eyes. ‘Ma? Are you all right, mamaji?’ He spoke in a babyish voice, kept repeating the same phrase, hypnotically, again and again. ‘It’s all right, Krishna’s here, mamaji. Krish loves you.’ Then he began saying things Anna couldn’t understand, in the same soothing voice, and she realized after a moment that he was speaking Bengali, and once more it was the same phrase, over and over. Olivia had gone limp.
‘It’s OK, Jake, you can let go,’ Krish said.
Jake withdrew his arms. Anna became aware of an unpleasant smell in the room, but couldn’t work out what it was.
Krish took Olivia in his arms and held her against him. The two of them were completely absorbed in each other as if Anna and Jake weren’t there. Olivia was crying in a terrible, broken way, and Krish kept saying ‘Ssh,’ and ‘It’s OK. It’s OK.’
‘She’s dead,’ Olivia told him in a tiny voice. ‘Anna says she’s dead.’
Jake gave Anna a questioning look and she shrugged helplessly.
‘It’s OK,’ Krish soothed. ‘Don’t worry now.’ Anna realized he hadn’t any idea who Olivia was talking about. ‘Let’s go upstairs, shall we, and have some time together? We could have one of our talks, couldn’t we?’
‘I think she’s scalded her hand,’ Anna pointed out.
Krish nodded. He led Olivia towards the door, arm round her shoulders. As they passed through the long room Anna and Jake heard Olivia say tearfully, ‘Krishna loved me, didn’t he?’ And Krish’s reply, ‘Yes, he did. Of course he did.’
Anna found she couldn’t move. Her legs were unsteady and her hands trembling. Jake took her arm and pulled her away from the cooker, turning one of the taps.
‘You’ve switched the gas on.’ He was fanning the air with one hand.
‘I thought I could smell something.’
Dazed, she watched Jake push the back door ajar and fling open the window over the sink. ‘That’s better,’ he said, coming over to her. ‘Smells foul in here. Are you all right?’
She was in shock, her knees giving way. Jake caught her as she was about to sink to the floor. She felt his arm strongly round her waist, holding her up, helping her to a chair in the long room. He let her down gently and she sat shaking. ‘Sorry,’ she said.
‘That’s all right. I’m used to humping chests of drawers around.’
He squatted down in front of her, eyes concerned. ‘Anna, you look really rough. D’you want me to take you home?’
She shook her head. ‘No. I’ll be fine. I can’t just disappear after that anyway, can I? Could you pass me my bag – I need a fag.’
He stood up, towering over her, passed it over. ‘Here.’
‘Want one?’
‘I don’t any more.’ He frowned. ‘What brought that on? I’ve never seen her as bad as that before. You’ve really touched a nerve somewhere.’
‘She didn’t know Mom was dead.’ Anna dragged hard on the cigarette, elbows resting on her knees, one hand raking her hair. ‘I feel so bad about it. I mean we just kept mentioning her and I took it for granted Olivia knew. She wanted to see her. It’s all so stupid . . .’
‘Don’t blame yourself,’ Jake said. ‘She’s had years, hasn’t she? She’s picked the wrong moment.’
‘But it’s not just a wrong moment, is it?’ Anna retorted, angrily. ‘It’s never, now. Finito. Chance over.’
‘Look, I’ll go and get the kettle working,’ Jake said, retreating into the kitchen. ‘You look as if you could do with something.’
There was a pause, then Anna said, ‘Poor Krishna.’
It was well over an hour before Olivia came down again. Jake kept making sweet cups of tea and Anna was grateful and felt relieved at being cared for, even though she could have done with a gin.
After some time, Sean came sidling round the door. ‘I heard,’ he said. ‘Is she all right?’
‘She’s had a shock,’ Jake told him. ‘She’ll be fine, I think. Krish’s up there with her.’
Sean hovered for a time, abstractedly replying to Jake’s questions about how were things, how was college. He fidgeted round the table, leafing through the newspaper, standing, as he so often did, with his weight on one foot, twitching the other up and down. Then he shambled off towards the door.
‘Sean,’ Jake said gently. ‘You do know Olivia
’s not completely well?’
Sean shrugged. ‘Who is?’ And disappeared.
Theo and Ben came crashing in soon after, Theo with a pile of books. ‘Best get packing,’ he said, taking swigs from a can of Pepsi.
‘You going somewhere?’ Anna asked.
‘Yeah. Mom wants me home in sunny Smethwick for the rest of the holiday. Doesn’t make much sense when I have to sleep in a shoebox with two of my brothers, but she likes to keep the family together – and of course I come in handy for minding my sister, ’cos the others are all at work. Anyway, you don’t argue with my mom, basically.’
Anna grinned. Theo had cheered the place already. ‘Have a good time,’ she said.
Theo rolled his eyes comically in response.
‘Won’t be the same without him, will it?’ she said to Jake when Theo had bounced out of the room. Ben slouched past with a steaming mug of something.
Jake’s mind seemed elsewhere. ‘Look, I don’t think you should be staying tonight. You’ve had a bad month and it can get very moody round here.’
‘I’ll be fine,’ Anna said firmly. ‘I feel all right now – really. She just took me by surprise. Come on,’ she joked. ‘I don’t think I need a minder.’
‘Sorry.’ Jake looked sheepish. ‘Didn’t mean to take over. But look, if there’s any problem – ’ He wrote on a piece of paper. ‘This is my number. Call any time. I don’t mind.’
‘Thank you,’ she said, touched. ‘That’s nice of you.’
Again he hesitated. ‘Will you come round tomorrow? For that meal I was threatening to cook?’
Anna laughed, cheerful suddenly. ‘Yeah – great. Thank you.’
*
Despite her assurances to Jake, when she found herself alone again she felt jumpy and apprehensive. What had happened in the kitchen seemed like a dream now, but when she went back in there much of the chaos Olivia had created was still in place. She thought it typical that Ben had apparently not even noticed. Jake had sorted out the kettle and replaced the packets which had not broken open, but the floor was still wet and there was a thick sludge of sugar and coffee on the table.
Convincing herself she felt calm, she found a Tesco’s bag, shovelled the mess into it and wiped the table down. She was searching for a mop and bucket when she heard sounds from the long room next door. Heart thudding, she went in there.
‘Oh Anna, hello!’ Olivia produced a wonderful smile which, had it not been for the white binding on her hand, would have made what had happened earlier seem impossible. ‘I’m so glad you’re still here. We were afraid you would have given up on us and gone.’
‘Er, no.’ Anna felt disorientated. Krishna appeared too, charming her as if nothing had happened.
‘Jake stayed for a while. He’s only just gone.’
‘Lovely boy, isn’t he?’ Olivia gushed. She went round the chairs, plumping cushions. ‘And he’s been such a good friend to Krish. It was such a shame he and his wife couldn’t seem to get on – so many broken relationships about nowadays. There’s a sadness about Jake, I always feel. Misses his little girl terribly.’
She tidied the music on the piano. ‘Have the boys got back here yet?’
‘Yes. Theo’s off home tonight.’
Krish looked stricken. ‘I’d forgotten! I’ll just go up – ’ He headed for the door.
‘Yes, do go, and tell him not to leave without saying goodbye,’ Olivia called.
When they were alone, Olivia said, ‘I’m afraid you gave me a terrible shock earlier.’ She looked across at Anna, an odd, closed expression in her eyes. ‘What happened to her?’
‘Cancer. She wasn’t well for quite a while. I wasn’t keeping it from you. I thought you would have known.’
‘Darling – ’ Olivia swept over to her and took her in her arms. ‘You weren’t to know what a hermit I’ve been. I’m so out of touch with things. And at least we’ve found each other now, which is a great, great joy to me.’ She held Anna’s shoulders. ‘We’ll have a lovely evening together, the three of us – you, me and Krishna. It’ll be perfect.’
By some signal, presumably from Olivia, the three of them were left alone all evening, with no interruptions from the lodgers. Theo had said his goodbyes and gone earlier. Krish clearly didn’t want him to leave.
They shared a simple meal of bread and cheese, salad and pickles. Olivia sat between the two of them at the table looking beautiful and was at her most charming, but Anna now found it impossible to relax in her company. She caught herself observing, questioning, tuning in to undercurrents beneath what Olivia was trying to present to her. She moved her chair away slightly from where Olivia had arranged it close by her side and watched the spectacle of what almost amounted to a courtship between mother and son.
‘I’d so like you to think of me as family now,’ Olivia said after they had eaten, talking mainly of practical things, Anna’s teaching, Krish’s course at college. ‘I always so wanted a big family, growing up alone.’ She leaned over to touch Krish’s hand, as she had already done a number of times during the evening. He smiled back at her, his expression affectionate, adoring almost. At the start of the evening Anna had felt reluctant admiration for him, that he could cope with this woman and remain so loyal to her. But she was growing more exasperated with the pair of them, frustrated by what she saw as falseness.
‘Wouldn’t it be lovely to have a big sister like Anna?’ Olivia went on.
‘Oh, it would,’ Krish said, with slightly too much enthusiasm. He gave Anna a dazzling smile, and she managed to bare her teeth at him fairly convincingly in return. ‘The thing is, though, you’ve never told me about Anna before. Or Kate. I mean, we’re not actually related are we?’
Olivia laughed. ‘Not by blood, no. But Kate and I were closer than most sisters ever are. We adored each other. She was lovely, Katie was, when she was young. So kind and sweet. She’d have done anything for anyone . . .’
Anna listened, longing to be beguiled. She wanted to believe everything she was being given, to rest on the surface. And Krish was so interested and attentive, his eyes fastened on his mother’s face, and she wanted to believe in that too, that this extraordinary affection was the whole story between them.
But questions kept nudging into her mind as Olivia talked and talked about her mother. ‘Katie and I were inseparable at school.’ Her face was glowing, her voice animated. ‘And of course she loved my father. She used to come on holidays with us, because your grandfather, Anna, was a very upright man, but rather a joyless sort, I’m afraid. We had a marvellous time together, and then of course I went away to boarding school. But we wrote letters all the time, and all the holidays we just lived at each other’s houses. We talked about anything and everything – quite openly for those days, I can tell you!’
On and on it went, Katie and I, Katie and I . . . Krish seemed to be drinking it all in.
‘So why didn’t I ever meet her?’ he asked after a time.
‘Oh, well,’ Olivia said, face still bathed in a bright smile. ‘The war came and changed everything. Nothing was ever the same. I joined the Wrens and Katie was here nursing and we didn’t see so much of each other after that. And then after, I went off to London and I met your father . . .’
These last words were spoken with a worshipping tone that Anna found ridiculous. He was just a man, she felt like saying. Yet another one.
Olivia directed a wistful smile at Anna. ‘If ever there was a love child – ’ She leaned across and stroked Krish’s head. ‘Unfortunately Krishna, my Krishna, was already married. He was on a visiting lectureship, you see. He felt the only thing he could do was to return home. But he left me his child.’
Anna thought of Elizabeth Kemp, how she managed to put from her so many things she didn’t like. She felt a rising anger and resentment. All this pretence at being honest and vulnerable, when all the time she was selecting what she would tell, giving her son these half-truths. And what the hell was he playing at anyway, listening with that fix
ed, devoted smile? She felt like a fly trapped in the syrupy atmosphere between them. She knew there were layers and layers to Olivia which made it impossible to know quite where the truth lay. Had she even been honest when she wrote her notes to Kate?
She felt tired of it all suddenly, with a frustrated urge to smash through the brittle surface of things with which she had been presented all evening. She couldn’t listen to any more.
She stretched and yawned. ‘I’m sorry, I really am tired. You won’t mind if I go up soon?’
‘Of course not, darling,’ Olivia said. ‘You’ve had such a difficult time these last weeks and of course I hadn’t even realized. Do go on. Krish and I will clear up.’ She stood up with Anna, searching her face, but Anna found she couldn’t meet Olivia’s eyes. To have done so would have symbolized too much: an honesty otherwise quite lacking from the evening.
While Krish was carrying something to the kitchen she let the question force its way to her lips. Cheeks burning red she looked up defiantly at Olivia. ‘Was Angus the father?’
Olivia’s expression froze. There was a second of nakedness, fear flickering in her eyes. Then she said coldly, ‘I’ve absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.’
Chapter 35
Anna sat on the solid bed, her heart pounding. The tiredness had vanished and she felt wound up and unready for sleep. She unzipped the overnight bag and pulled out her long T-shirt and wash things, noticing as she did so that Olivia had left a small vase of flowers next to the bed, picked from the garden.
Deadly nightshade most probably, she thought. Knowing it was absurd, she found herself sniffing at the white daisies and the greenery around them to find out if there was anything amiss. Those looks she had seen in Olivia’s eyes. At this time of night she could start to believe anything.
Restless, she pulled back the covers of the bed, then opened the window, lit a cigarette and blew smoke out on to the twilight air. Footsteps passed in the otherwise quiet street. After a time she heard sounds of movement in the long corridor outside the bedroom: the others coming up.
