by Annie Murray
Leaving the window open a crack, she took her washbag and went out to the bathroom at the back of the house. The staircase ran up the middle of the building, joining the corridor upstairs which ran from front to back with a series of doors along it. Anna didn’t know who slept where.
She washed, scrubbed her teeth, found herself thinking about Jake and the way he looked into her eyes. Walking back to her room she admitted to herself how much she was looking forward to seeing him the next evening. A door squeaked somewhere along the corridor. Yawning, she went into her room, turned to shut the door and started with a violence that set her whole body trembling.
‘What the hell are you doing?’ she cried furiously. ‘You nearly gave me a heart attack!’
‘Sssh – don’t let her hear.’ Krish closed the door quietly and stood against it. His face was solemn and looked heavy from drinking.
‘What d’you want?’
‘To talk – without her.’ He sat down on the edge of the bed and she thought how young he looked. ‘Sorry,’ he offered awkwardly. ‘You obviously know a lot of things about my mother that I don’t. She only tells me what she wants me to hear.’
‘Yes,’ Anna relented. ‘I can see that.’ She stood across the room from him, glad that she’d put off getting changed. ‘What d’you want to know?’
‘I don’t know what there is to know. I mean I’d never heard all that stuff about your mom before. The only thing she talks about in the past, really, is my father.’
‘And was that the great passion she’d like us to believe?’
Krish looked up at her warily. ‘How would I know?’
‘Of course, how could you?’
‘She’s got no letters though. He didn’t keep in touch with her. She probably just wrapped herself round him like a creeper – the way she does with everyone.’ Anna was disturbed by the harsh way he spoke.
‘But downstairs you were – you seemed so close.’
Krish seemed uncomfortable at her mentioning this. ‘We can be, sometimes. She’s very good company, as you’ve seen. But there’s something . . . She’s just not normal, is she?’ He spoke in a sudden rush. ‘It probably sounds stupid to you but it’s taken me until now to realize – these past couple of years. When I went to college I heard a lot about other people’s mothers. At school she wouldn’t let me go to visit other people. Wanted me to herself – ’ He broke off. ‘Look, can’t you sit down?’
He sounded so wretched that she came and sat on the bed. ‘It must have been very difficult for you.’
He sat looking down at his hands for a moment in silence, twining his fingers together. The next thing she knew, he was pushing her back on the bed, hands moving clumsily and hard on her thighs as he half lay across her, his tongue pushing into her mouth.
In reflex she drew up her knees and shoved as hard as she could. ‘Who the fuck d’you think you are?’ she yelled at him as he regained his balance. ‘What is it with your family? You all think you can just take what you like. You rip into other people’s lives . . .’
‘Shut up for God’s sake!’ He rushed at her, clamping his moist hand over her mouth. ‘She mustn’t hear.’
Anna yanked his hand away. ‘Don’t do that to me.’ She marched over and opened the door. ‘Just get out of here, you stupid little git.’
Krish slunk out of the room. ‘I’m sorry . . . I really did want to talk.’
‘Don’t ever try anything like that again,’ she hissed at him. She watched him disappear into his room.
Turning, she jumped again, and with even more force. At the other end of the corridor, dressed in something long and pale, Olivia stood quite still, watching. Her face was set in an expression of such hatred that Anna felt her knees turn weak.
‘So.’ Olivia’s voice snaked along the corridor. ‘I can’t even trust you.’
Anna felt something give in her, come flooding out. ‘You’re all bloody mad,’ she shouted. ‘All of you. I’m getting out of here.’
Starting to sob, she ran into the room and in half a minute threw all her things back into the bag. When she came out again Olivia was still standing in the same place, watching stony-faced as Anna ran downstairs. She pulled open the heavy front door and ran out towards her car, only just able to see through her tears.
The light was still on in the attic above Jake’s shop. Standing outside in the deserted street, Anna realized she didn’t know how to get in. There were two floors of the dark shop below, and it was as if he was out of contact with the street, high up there. She went to the door and looked for a bell. There wasn’t one. Instead she tried the letterbox, which was fortunately well sprung and gave a resounding clap when she released the flap.
She waited. Outwardly, now, she was more composed, had had to control herself in order to drive. But she could feel a tight bubble of emotion inside her, only just held in. She could not have gone back to be alone in Kate’s house tonight.
There were sounds from inside and she saw movement behind the glass door. He left the light off, cautious perhaps, and she could just see the washed-out blue of his jeans as he came to the door. It opened, brushing the mat. She felt she’d never been so relieved to see anyone.
‘Anna?’ She couldn’t make out the tone of his voice. Surprised, certainly, but she thought she noticed in it a degree of pleasure, relief almost.
‘I need to talk to you.’
‘Yeah – of course.’ He hesitated, not wanting to presume anything. ‘It’s too late for the pubs isn’t it? Will you come in?’
‘Here’s fine.’ She hadn’t meant to sound so abrupt. As well as holding back her emotion over Olivia and Krish, she suddenly wanted Jake to hold her, and that wasn’t appropriate, wasn’t why she’d come.
Jake led her up through the dark shop with its comforting smell of wood polish, past the dark shapes of the furniture. Following, she thought how odd it was that she was here alone with him, somehow suddenly the closest person to her now apart from Roland. Their feet sounded loud on the bare staircase up to his attic.
When they reached the flat she forgot everything for a few moments, exclaiming, ‘Jake, it’s lovely up here!’
‘I’m glad you like it.’ He smiled. ‘Only thing is, you have to go down to the next floor for the bathroom. I’m working on that. Might get a shower put in. But otherwise it does me fine.’
The room was lit only by the sidelight next to the bed, where Jake had evidently been lying. It was a long room stretching across the building, with a gabled window at each end. At the back Jake had his kitchen. The bed was at the front under the window. Music was playing softly in the background, the deep, rich sound of a stringed instrument.
In the middle of one side of the room was a wooden fireplace with space for a couple of easy chairs. Either side of it were long shelves striped with the coloured spines of books, records, tapes, and at one end a stereo. The walls were all painted a pale colour, except for the other long wall opposite the fireplace, which was a deep malachite green and covered from floor to ceiling with framed pictures.
Anna’s attention was drawn to these straight away, postponing her need to talk. A section of them near the middle were photographs of a little girl: a baby, a toddler with a cap of fine blond hair and a cheeky smile.
‘Is this your daughter?’
‘That’s Elly, yes. Of course she’s changed again now.’
‘She’s lovely.’
‘Yes – she’s great.’ He went to the fridge. ‘D’you fancy a beer?’
‘No thanks. I’ve drunk enough this evening already. Wouldn’t mind a coffee.’
She sat on one of the chairs by the fireplace. ‘I s’pose you’d rather I didn’t smoke up here?’
‘Sorry – I’d prefer it.’
‘That’s OK. It’ll be good for me. I ought to give up.’
‘I gave up when Elly was born.’
She twisted round to look at the pictures again. ‘Are these all places you’ve been?’
‘N
o. Places I’d like to go. Never had the chance, or made the chance, depending how you look at it.’ He was nervous, unused to having anyone in the flat and having to be sociable.
She sat in silence for a moment, aware again of the music in the room, a melancholy cello.
‘What is this?’
‘Bach. Beautiful, isn’t it?’ He handed her her coffee and sat down.
‘It sounds so sad.’
‘I suppose it does. It’s just what I seem to want to hear recently.’ This was not spoken with self-pity, but Anna felt awkward.
‘I’m sorry – I’ve barged in. Would you rather I went?’
‘No, I wouldn’t. I spend far too much time on my own.’
There was a pause, then he said, ‘What happened?’
Anna put her mug on the floor and sat back. She let out a long breath.
‘It sounds daft, but I’m not exactly sure what happened. Olivia came down after you left. She said she’d had a shock.’ She told him about the meal, the fawning affection between Olivia and Krish. ‘It was pretty sickening. I got more and more frustrated because I felt they were feeding me something, some image they wanted me to see, and I still hadn’t managed to talk to her properly about anything.’
She told Jake what had happened with Krish, growing more emotional as she spoke.
‘It wasn’t him I really minded, though. The really horrible part was her. Krish is just young and silly . . . But when I saw her standing there, absolutely still, with that look on her face . . . I couldn’t have stayed the night in that house. She’d have killed me, I’m sure. I could just see her coming round the bedroom door with a knife in her hand.’ She looked across at Jake. ‘I’ve never known anyone who’s had this effect on me before. There’s something – evil about her. You must think I’m being very hysterical.’
‘No, I don’t at all.’ There was sudden quiet. The tape clicked off. ‘But we’d better get hold of Krish tomorrow.’
‘I’m not sure I ever want to see him again – or her, for that matter.’
‘I think you’ll have to.’ Jake spoke gently but emphatically. ‘Look, Anna, I don’t know all the background to this as you obviously do, but I do know a lot about Krish. I didn’t explain properly last time we talked. Your coming here has lifted the lid off something for them and it’s him that’s going to get the full rush of it. I know he shouldn’t have behaved the way he did tonight, but you have to understand the kind of hold Olivia has on him. She’s never let him out of her sight hardly, apart from school when she had to. But she wouldn’t let him go out or have friends – let alone a relationship with a woman – God forbid. Anything that’s started she’s destroyed one way or another. She interferes in every part of his life. Possessive isn’t a strong enough word to describe it.’
Anna frowned. ‘But he’s left home, hasn’t he?’
Jake gave an ironic laugh. ‘He’s done three terms in London. During the summer before he went he overdosed because she made him feel so guilty about going. He was in hospital for three days.’
‘But you said she wanted him to go – appealed to the university?’
‘She did. But that’s Olivia for you, isn’t it? Nothing ever goes one way with her. Even in London she completely dominates his life. He has to phone every day, come home every other weekend. And there’s barely a weekend in between when she’s not down there. He’s not allowed to see anyone else when she goes down. He has to devote his time to her. And if he doesn’t ring there are tears, threats – the whole works, turning on the guilt. If she thought he was going out with anyone . . . well, it’s almost unthinkable. I think he almost believes she can see into his mind. That if he was seeing anyone, she’d know, somehow.’
Anna listened, feeling forgiveness for Krish before Jake had even finished speaking. ‘I can’t imagine how he’s coped this long,’ she said. ‘She’s so terrible . . .’ Her voice trailed off. ‘But she does make you love her, doesn’t she?’
‘Better not to, I think.’
‘She let Krish come and work for you. She must trust you.’
‘I think I was partly to distract him from other things at the time. But we get on all right, me and Olivia. She knows I’m not going to be drawn into anything. She trusts me with Krish – like a sort of old uncle figure.’ He shrugged, then looked at her seriously. ‘And you know her because she was your mother’s best friend who tried to do away with her baby?’
Anna shook her head. ‘Sounds terrible, doesn’t it? But it was my fairy story when I was little. “Tell me about you and Olivia when you were little girls.” Bosom pals, complete devotion and all that. The stuff she left me to read telling me the truth about what happened was awful. She’d bring out all the good bits for me when I was a child. It was like – some mothers keep their jewellery box as a special thing to show their kids. All the shiny things inside. But with her it was Olivia.’ She was crying suddenly, sobbing until she could barely catch her breath.
Jake got up, flustered, knelt down by her chair.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said, trying to gain control of herself. ‘This keeps happening.’
‘No, it’s OK. Don’t apologize.’ He went to the kitchen end and came back with some squares of kitchen roll. ‘Here – ’fraid I only have tissues in when I get a cold.’
Anna laughed, blowing her nose.
‘I’ll make more coffee – that’s if you want? Or would you rather get some sleep?’
‘No.’ She handed him the mug. ‘I’d like to tell you about it.’
He turned and touched her briefly on the shoulder. She felt the warmth of his hand through her shirt. ‘No one should be alone with Olivia.’
She talked for an hour or more, telling him everything she could remember, trying, as Kate had done, to weave Olivia’s account of herself into Kate’s own. She told him about Angus, about her father, and Roland, trying to keep everything in the right order. When she reached the parts about Olivia’s baby and Arden, she saw a look of shocked understanding on Jake’s face.
‘Does Krish know any of this?’ she asked.
‘I’m quite sure he doesn’t.’ Jake paused, trying to take it all in. ‘I had no idea. Poor Olivia.’
‘Yes, poor Olivia. But then you think what she did to my mother. I think Mom thought it was partly her own fault for bringing her to live in the house when I was on the way. At the time she didn’t see what else she could do. But there was this huge splinter of sadness through her life. Looking back, I can recognize it more clearly. When you’re young you don’t always spot things, or know what you’re seeing. I tried to ask Olivia about it tonight – about Angus. I was getting tired of all that sweet sugary crap between her and Krish. She just blanked me out. Gave me that evil eye look of hers and said she had no idea what I was talking about.
‘In a way I don’t know why it matters now anyway. Except that I think Mom wanted me to find out, to deal with it for her. I can’t help thinking Olivia was lying, that he wouldn’t have been disloyal to my mother, but they were strange times . . .’
‘You may never get the truth now, anyway,’ Jake said. ‘Truth with Olivia is something that shifts around. What she wants is power over people. She knows she’s got power over you because you want to know things, because you care about her. You see what she’s done to Sean and Ben – let alone Krish. Don’t let her get under your skin. It never leads to anything good.’
‘Ben as well?’
‘Ben’s not in anything like the mess Sean is. He’s very unsure of himself academically and he confides in her a lot. There’s no doubt she’s bright. She’s supposed to be pretty well thought of for her knowledge of Bengali culture. She’s very preoccupied with it because of Krish’s father.’
‘She even tries to sound Indian.’
Jake looked at the ceiling, exasperated. ‘The whole thing, yes.’
Anna sat back in the chair, legs stretched out. Her head was beginning to ache.
‘You all right?’
‘Just tir
ed. I don’t think I can think about this any more tonight.’
‘But you will see Krish?’
She hesitated. ‘OK.’
‘We could take him out somewhere. Get him away from there.’
‘She won’t want him going with me.’
‘I’ll think of something.’
Anna groaned. ‘It’s so late. I’m sorry. I must go.’
‘Don’t,’ Jake said. ‘There’s no need and there’s not that much of the night left – it’s after three. Just sleep here. I’ve got a folding bed I use for Elly. I’ll have that.’
She looked at him doubtfully, wondering for a few seconds what this meant. The thought of driving back now was so dismal. ‘Are you sure?’
Eyes full of warmth, he said, ‘Of course. No problem at all.’
‘My stuff’s down in the car . . .’
‘Give me the key. I’ll get it.’
When he came back, Jake tactfully left to give her time to undress in this strange room, his pictures watching her from the wall. But she felt trusting, almost happy. By the time he came back she was already lying down.
He had changed into an old pair of shorts and a shirt. She looked at the firm lines of his legs, his arms. He pulled the folding bed open, settling it in line with her bed, tucking a sheet round its long mattress. She took in his slenderness compared with Richard’s compact body.
He looked at her across the space between the two beds. ‘Have a good sleep.’ And reached over and clicked the light off.
‘Jake,’ she said drowsily. ‘I wanted to ask you more about yourself. I’m sorry. I’ve been talking so much.’
‘That’s OK. There’s not an awful lot to say about me.’
‘I’m sure there is . . .’ She felt her voice trailing off, sleep slipping over her in thick layers.
It must have been only moments later, but felt much longer. It began with a light pressure on her head, a stroking, soft as cobwebs in her hair, but then it was hard and she was in the dream and there was the terrible pressure, pushing, pushing so she couldn’t move, and she felt her breath being forced out of her until she threw herself upright, whimpering like a tiny child, sweat breaking out under her arms and behind her knees.
