Birmingham Friends

by Annie Murray

  ‘I must go to him.’

  Anna expected Olivia to be hysterical, to disintegrate. Instead, she and Jake watched her transform herself. She gathered herself, seemed to gain stature, dignified and unbending as a bird of prey.

  ‘They say he’s going to be sleeping it off for hours yet,’ Jake told her. ‘They wouldn’t let you in at this time, anyway.’

  ‘I need to be with him. He’ll want me beside him.’

  ‘Olivia,’ Anna insisted gently, ‘he’s unconscious.’

  Olivia stood in the middle of the long room, her face set in lines like stone. She was very composed, as though all her energy was concentrated in one burning point in her mind, consuming any other thought or feeling.

  ‘What did he take?’

  ‘They didn’t say,’ Jake said. ‘They only gave the barest details.’

  She fired out the questions relentlessly, as if forcing herself to face the worst. ‘Where was he?’

  Jake drew in an uneven breath. Anna could see he was feeling terrible. ‘Kings Heath Park.’

  ‘Where in Kings Heath Park?’ Impatient, as if Jake was an idiot.

  ‘They didn’t tell me. Sorry,’ he added helplessly.

  ‘He was lying there all alone in the park,’ Olivia said. ‘Anyone could have found him.’ She turned her head fiercely. ‘Who found him? Who touched him?’

  Jake took a step back. ‘I don’t . . . They only said he was in the park. We’ll be able to ask tomorrow.’

  ‘Sit down both of you,’ Anna said firmly. ‘I’ll make us a drink, and then sooner or later we’re going to have to get some sleep.’

  ‘Sleep!’ Olivia dismissed her scornfully.

  ‘We need to sleep.’

  ‘I’ve been asleep all day. I shall sit up for him.’

  Anna’s eyes met Jake’s. With his he motioned her into the kitchen. As she prepared coffee she heard their voices in the other room, Jake’s soft, reassuring, and Olivia’s monosyllabic replies.

  ‘I’ve told her we’ll stay,’ Jake said, when Anna appeared again.

  ‘Of course. That’s no problem.’

  ‘We could take it in turns to sleep,’ Jake suggested. There was no protest from Olivia. ‘D’you want to go and get some first, Anna?’

  ‘I’ll take this up with me.’ She picked up her mug. ‘Wake me at three or so?’

  ‘OK. I’ll see how we’re doing.’

  She went to kiss Olivia’s cheek, but she moved away, sitting very straight on the edge of her chair. ‘No, don’t touch me.’

  Anna shot Jake a look which said ‘good luck’ and left them.

  She settled down in her clothes, having nothing else, and knowing she would be up again soon. Climbing on to the high, unyielding bed, she dreaded being unable to sleep and left most of the coffee undrunk on the table. She thought of Krish unconscious on a hospital bed, nurses coming to check him through the night.

  The next thing she was aware of was Jake sitting on the side of the bed. She shot up, heartbeat speeding in panic.

  ‘What time is it? What’s happened?’

  ‘It’s all right. Don’t worry. It’s nearly four.’ His eyes were red. ‘I was falling asleep downstairs, so I thought I’d better come and get a bit of proper kip before tomorrow.’

  ‘You should have woken me earlier.’ Anna looked fearfully at him. ‘How’s it been? What’s she doing?’

  ‘Not a lot. It’s been fine, really. She’s just been sitting there – we had the TV on. No dramatics. She’s quiet. She seems stunned.’

  ‘I suppose she’s not tired?’

  ‘All right for some, eh?’

  There was silence, then Anna said, ‘Poor Krish.’

  Jake sighed. ‘Yeah.’

  Anna pushed back the sheet. ‘Here – it’s nice and warm for you!’

  ‘Sounds wonderful. It’s a great shame my getting in means you have to get out.’

  He stood up and reached out his arms and they held each other. ‘I didn’t want to wake you,’ he said. ‘You looked so lovely.’

  She smiled up at him. ‘That’s a nice thing to say.’

  He leaned down to her slowly and they kissed. His hands moved across her back, drawing her to him. Then he lifted his head again and looked anxiously into her eyes, watching for her response. ‘I keep thinking, we have to be careful with each other, not take things too quickly. I don’t want to steamroller you. It’s taken me by surprise feeling so . . . strongly, already. I didn’t expect it, and I don’t know if you . . .’

  She put her hands on each side of his face and pulled him towards her without speaking. He seemed startled by the force of her kiss, its reply to him.

  ‘Seems almost wrong,’ he said after a moment, ‘feeling so happy with all this going on.’

  ‘I don’t know.’ She held him close. ‘Maybe. I just know I’m glad. Everything’s been so sad for so long.’

  After they’d stood together in silence for a moment she stepped back. ‘Come on – you need some sleep.’

  ‘I know. It’s OK. I just wanted to touch you.’ He stroked his fingers down her back, then released her.

  ‘I’ll tuck you in.’

  When he was lying down she kissed him again, before his smile took her to the door.

  The rest of the night passed, strange and dreamlike. Olivia sat upright in her chair, not leaning against the back of it, as if performing a penance. Anna made hot drinks to keep herself awake, and Olivia accepted those offered to her with a nod, but usually left them untouched. Most of the time she sat in silence, staring across the room towards the window at the back where the light began faintly to appear.

  Anna kept feeling herself on the point of dozing off, and then Olivia would suddenly speak and she would be jerked into full consciousness again.

  ‘Did Katie show you my letters?’ she asked, soon after Anna came down.

  ‘Yes. Some of them.’ She wondered if now, finally, they were to have a proper conversation. ‘Not all, I don’t think. She didn’t tell me anything, you see, she wrote it and left it for me to find.’

  ‘So you know all about me.’ Her eyes still didn’t meet Anna’s, but her voice was wretched.

  ‘I know what you chose to tell her and what she chose to tell me herself.’

  She thought Olivia was about to speak again, but there came only a clearing of her throat, then silence. She was still beautiful, Anna thought, the dark eyes in that lined face.

  ‘D’you mind if I smoke?’ Anna asked timidly. She knew it would help keep her alert.

  ‘Do what you like,’ Olivia said absently.

  A moment later, she said, ‘May I have one?’ Anna stood up and gave her a cigarette, clicking the lighter for her, the cigarette tucked between her dry lips.

  ‘I’ve never seen you smoke before.’

  Olivia dragged hungrily on the cigarette. ‘I have – on and off. For years.’ There was a pause, then she said, ‘Katie must have told you about my father?’ She narrowed her eyes, breathing out smoke. ‘I ruined his career. I know Kate thought he’d do anything to advance himself, but it wasn’t true. He was as soft as an egg inside. When he lost me he just lost his spirit. Gave it all up – the politics, public life. Packed me off to London. He was sweet to me after the baby. Sweet and tender. He cried. My mother didn’t cry – not in front of me, anyway. But he couldn’t bear to have me near him, not the way I was.’ She shook her head slowly. ‘He got such comfort from me, you see, all those years. My mother worshipped him – really, genuinely worshipped him. Couldn’t stand herself you see, so she poured it all out on him. But she closed down emotionally. I was the only one who loved him properly. I’ve never felt quite as much for anyone as I did him.’ She looked round sharply at Anna. ‘I don’t want to give you the wrong idea. He never laid a finger on me in any way he shouldn’t have – nothing like that. He was very honourable in his way, and besides, he was far too busy touching up all the maids or anyone else who came his way. It was more that I was an idea, a fantasy
. Something he saw as pure, that he could love without all the humiliation he went through with my mother. Sometimes, the way he held me – the two of us warm and safe together – it shielded us from anything else. I should have just gone on loving him like that. But I couldn’t. I spoilt it, you see. I’d seen too much, heard too much of things I shouldn’t have heard or seen. I lashed out. I was dirty.’

  Anna wondered if she would become emotional but she gave no sign, just stubbed out the cigarette in her saucer. Not knowing what else to do, Anna said, ‘I’m sorry – for all you had to go through.’

  What seemed much later, as the light was lifting the colours round the room and the birds were coming to life outside, Olivia said, ‘You were such a darling, darling baby, Anna. So sweet and pure. I wanted to keep you from it all, you see, keep you as you were. You and Krishna.’

  ‘We don’t normally let visitors in in the morning,’ the nurse told them. She was petite and pretty, a black fringe curling out from the front of her white cap, but her manner was chilly and suspicious. ‘Are you friends of his?’

  ‘I’m his mother,’ Olivia snapped.

  The nurse looked startled. She’d probably expected a timid Asian woman with limited English. ‘His . . .? I see. I’m sorry. I suppose as you’re here . . . Would you follow me?’

  Her feet clip-clipped on the polished floor. She led them to a little room aside from the main ward.

  ‘We put him in here out of the way.’ Her tone was ambiguous. Anna and Jake exchanged glances. Overdose: a nuisance taking up a bed. ‘I’ll tell him you’re here.’

  Olivia stood between Anna and Jake, watching the nurse give the door a shove. She looked very small in the yawning hospital corridor. Anna had wanted to take her arm, but sensed that she did not want to be touched.

  The nurse went over to the bed by the far wall. Peering through the small, reinforced window, Anna could just see Krish’s dark hair and the shape of his body under the bedclothes. He was turned away from them, facing the wall. Anna saw the nurse bend over and speak to him. Krish’s body moved, curling almost convulsively so that his head disappeared underneath the bedclothes. The nurse tried again, then gave a light shrug and came back to the door.

  ‘I’m sorry. He doesn’t want to see anyone at the moment, I’m afraid.’

  ‘But I have to see him.’ Olivia’s voice was high, the desperation barely controlled.

  ‘He’s rather distressed.’ The nurse’s voice was gentler now, taking on a tone of one addressing a patient instead of a visitor. ‘You have to understand, he’s not long come round and he won’t be feeling very well for a while. Give him a bit more time.’

  Olivia broke away from them and ran towards the door of the side room. ‘Krishna, Krishna!’ She had it half open, and they all had to restrain her, pull her away. Jake took her by the shoulders, led her off as her sobs filled the echoing space.

  Anna stood with the nurse. ‘Is he going to be all right?’ she asked.

  ‘He should be,’ the nurse said. She looked at Anna curiously. ‘Are you a relative?’

  ‘No.’

  The nurse nodded her head in the direction in which Olivia and Jake had disappeared. ‘He was pretty adamant about not seeing her.’

  Anna didn’t feel confident in speaking to this young woman. ‘Their relationship is complicated,’ she said.

  ‘I don’t know, though.’ The nurse’s tone of disapproval returned. ‘He may look all of a heap now, but soon after he surfaced this morning he opened his eyes, looked at me and said, “Titty.” Can you believe it?’

  ‘Don’t worry,’ Anna said, despising her petty outrage. ‘He wasn’t after you. Actually Titty is a person.’

  When they went back that afternoon, Olivia had dressed in her bright blue sari and plaited her hair.

  ‘Let’s hope to God he’ll see her,’ Anna whispered to Jake as they left the van and walked across the car park.

  By the side door of the hospital they met Theo. He looked shocked, preoccupied, was walking staring down at the ground and jumped when Jake called his name.

  ‘Hi.’ He nodded at the three of them. ‘Hello, Olivia.’ He looked away, then back at her. ‘This is bad. Really bad.’

  ‘You’ve seen him?’ Olivia said eagerly. ‘Is he talking?’ Hope shone in her face.

  Theo shifted awkwardly from foot to foot. He was dressed in a blue tracksuit and trainers and looked huge and muscular, but Anna could tell he felt terribly put on the spot, that there were things he couldn’t say in front of Olivia.

  ‘He’s not saying much,’ he told them, avoiding Olivia’s piercing gaze. ‘I think he’s still a bit – you know – sleepy.’

  ‘Well, he’s bound to be!’ Olivia’s voice held a note of desperate cheerfulness. ‘But he’s going to be all right, isn’t he? He’s awake and he’s seeing people. Let’s go on in.’

  Theo looked at Jake. ‘He asked for you.’

  As they parted, Theo gestured to Anna to stay behind. ‘Thanks for phoning me, Anna. This is . . .’ He shook his head again. ‘I’ll come again tomorrow, right?’

  ‘Thanks Theo. It’s an awkward journey for you.’

  ‘No problem. The bus is OK. I can get to the outer circle.’ He stared at her. ‘He won’t see her, you know. What the hell’s going on?’

  ‘I’ll tell you’ – Anna put her hand on his dark wrist – ‘when there’s time.’

  She watched Theo lope off across the car park.

  Jake and Olivia had waited for her just inside. She took Olivia’s arm as they climbed the stairs to the ward. Anna felt sick with nerves, and with sorrow at the sight of this little woman dressed up in her borrowed sense of identity, looking sad and eccentric in her sari, her gait wrong for the clothes, clinging to her hope that this costume might bring her closer to her son. She wanted to say something, warn Olivia that Krish still might not be ready, but it was too late before she could find the right words.

  When they reached the middle corridor, Olivia took in a deep breath, preparing herself.

  ‘Perhaps Jake should go first,’ Anna suggested, as they pushed open the swing doors to the ward. ‘Tell him you’re here and you want to see him?’

  Olivia hesitated, then nodded. ‘All right,’ she said, her voice husky.

  But on looking through the window of the side room they saw that the chair next to Krish’s bed was already occupied by a tall, thin man, his white coat open to reveal a moss-green shirt. Krish was still lying down and they couldn’t see his face.

  After a short time the doctor glanced round at the door. They saw a chiselled face with dark, serious eyes. Seeing them watching, he came out, closing the door softly behind him.

  ‘Good afternoon. I’m Dr O’Connor.’ His voice was soft, Irish. He looked from one to the other of them, trying to work out who to talk to.

  Olivia could not contain herself. ‘I want to see my son,’ she erupted, harshly.

  ‘You’re Mrs Kemp?’

  ‘Yes, of course I am.’ She seemed suddenly enraged, as if she resented his presence there.

  ‘We’re friends of Krishna’s,’ Anna explained. ‘I’m Anna Craven and this is Jake . . .’ In confusion she couldn’t think of his name. For a second she saw the bizarre nature of the whole situation, that she was here with these people who a week ago she hadn’t even met.

  ‘Morrell,’ Jake finished for her.

  ‘Ah, Jake,’ Dr O’Connor said. ‘Krishna asked just now whether you were here. He’d like to see you.’

  ‘What about me?’ Olivia wailed, her fragile collectedness disintegrating. She went to the door again. ‘Krishna, my darling – mamaji is here!’

  Anna felt Dr O’Connor observing them all. She went to Olivia and gently held her arm. ‘Livy, why not let Jake go in first, if that’s what Krish wants, and he can tell him you’re here and perhaps afterwards . . .’

  Jake looked at Dr O’Connor who nodded at him. He slipped into the room and sat by Krish’s bed.

  ‘I should explai
n,’ the doctor said. ‘I’ve been called in to see your son. I’m the duty psychiatrist.’

  ‘No!’ Olivia recoiled from him. ‘No. We don’t need you. Don’t you go near him. Just let me talk to him. What he needs is to be home with me. We’re all right when we’re together. We’re safe. We don’t need anyone like you . . .’ Her voice was reaching higher, barely controlled.

  The doors of the main ward swung open and a woman in a green overall pushed a huge, rattling trolley past them without giving them a second glance.

  ‘Mrs Kemp, let’s go into the side room here,’ Dr O’Connor suggested. ‘We can talk about this more privately.’

  ‘I’m not going anywhere with you,’ Olivia almost spat at him. ‘I’m not moving. I’m waiting here to see my son. My son.’

  ‘Mrs Kemp – ’ Dr O’Connor seemed to experience actual physical discomfort in bringing out his next words. ‘Krishna has told me very clearly that he is not ready to see you just at the moment. I know this is terribly difficult and I’m sure he’s not trying to hurt you deliberately. At a time like this people sometimes react most strongly against the people they’re closest to. I shouldn’t like to have to forbid you to see him. For Krishna’s sake it would be helpful if you could respect his wishes. He’s in a very low state and we’re assessing him to see whether he needs some more specialized. care. We may need to transfer him to a bed over in Rubery . . .’

  Rubery Hill. The psychiatric hospital on the southern fringe of Birmingham. Olivia’s face froze. In no more than a whisper she protested, ‘No . . . No . . .’

  Watched by Anna and Dr O’Connor, she moved to the door of Krish’s room, crumpling against it, her hands splayed on the wood each side of the window. ‘Krishna . . . my Krishna . . .’ His name spilled from her mouth over and over, as if she couldn’t stop, her forehead pressed white against the glass.

  Chapter 39

  Krishna and Olivia both went to Rubery Hill Hospital: Krishna as a voluntary patient. Olivia was not given a choice in the matter.

  Anna and Jake were Olivia’s only visitors over the next month. Theo went to see Krish with sombre faithfulness.