Animal Envy

by Ralph Nader

  animal

  envy

  a fable

  RALPH NADER

  Seven Stories Press

  New York • Oakland • London

  Copyright © 2016 by Ralph Nader

  A SEVEN STORIES PRESS FIRST EDITION

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

  Seven Stories Press

  140 Watts Street

  New York, NY 10013

  sevenstories.com

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Names: Nader, Ralph, author.

  Title: Animal envy / Ralph Nader.

  Description: Seven Stories Press frst edition. | New York : Seven Stories

  Press, [2016]

  Identifers: LCCN 2016017520| ISBN 9781609807528 (hardcover) | ISBN

  9781609807535 (ebook)

  Subjects: LCSH: Human-animal communication--Fiction. | Human-animal

  relationships--Fiction. | Political fiction. | BISAC: FICTION / Political.

  Classification: LCC PS3614.A38 A85 2016 | DDC 813/.6--dc23

  LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2016017520

  Printed in the USA.

  9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  Once upon a near-future time, a linguistic software developer, who is simply known as Human Genius, provided a digital translation application between mammals, fish, reptiles, birds, and simpler organisms to permit them to communicate with one another simply by using their own language signals, which would be automatically converted into understandable signals across species to their respective receivers. The lone Genius, operating without any external authority, also provided another application, which, after a set interval during which subhuman species got to speak to one another, allowed them to communicate through a hyper-advanced converter to human animals.

  As can be imagined, for animals the learning process really took off. Wisdom and illuminations immediately began expanding. One day an Elephant—a majestic matriarch—proposed to a Crocodile and a Dolphin that, using a remote, they convene (with dozens of species) a global assembly whose purpose would be to talk to human animals. Having carefully observed human actions and suffered pain and anguish at the hands of humanity, the animal kingdom could see that human animals were themselves depressed, self-doubting, and shrinking in self-esteem, though this inner unease was partly covered up by their aggressive behavior, which reflects a violent outward arrogance that has no equal on earth.

  Within a week, the response to the Elephant’s invitation became overwhelming. Shortly a virtual assembly gathered to discuss the best ways to approach the human animals and how best to organize the different animals’ numerous requests to tell these human animals what is uppermost on their minds. Soon one hundred hours were reserved for the great TALKOUT, as they called it, in which mammals, reptiles, fish, and birds from all over the planet would concisely speak to human animals of what they’ve wanted to tell them forever but could not, until the Human Genius came along.

  They knew that to make their core message palatable, it would have to be framed in a way that was ingratiating and flattering to humans’ self-interest. The approach was worthy of Gandhi or Mandela. Animal strategy was to lift up the spirits of their human masters, flatter them, then show that both sides had mutual interests in protecting wild habitats, and that this involved reducing arbitrary violence and other genocides inflicted upon the animals, sometimes to the point of extinction, such as happened to the passenger pigeon.

  They were not going to rely on appeals to justice or fairness, but on showing human animals how useful the animal kingdom can be to humans the more humans understand them. After all, about three quarters of viral and bacterial infections in humans come from the animals and insects, so an understanding between the different species would help with disease control. Animal scientists and ecologists already know this, but it will have more effect coming straight from the source, the animals felt.

  As the animals hammered out their strategies, important suggestions came from a blue whale, joined by a shark and a walrus. They urged that, given the explosively temperamental nature of human animals, the better part of discretion would be to have one subhuman after another particularize their praise of specific attributes of humans—physical and mental—that subhumans had never attained during their lengthy period of evolution. Emphasize in our discussion that other animals are biologically unable to perform the way humans do, the walrus underlined. The shark especially stressed the need to use the word “subhuman” for themselves. The very word would emphasize their inferiority, and, the shark explained, this would massage humans’ spectacular egos and open their minds to listen. The shark chuckled, adding that given his species’ remarkable adaption to their ocean environment, many millions of years before humans arrived on the scene, it would be advisable to be humble, and play down the spectacular achievements of animals, especially fish.

  The virtual animal assembly concurred with the strategy and commenced formulating concise messages of praiseworthy envy and laudatory expressions followed by pleas for humans to take the longer view, discover the many secrets of the animal world, and diminish the violence against them and their habitats.

  The animal strategists decided that first to the “mike” would be two domesticated animals since such animals are better regarded than wild animals. Some domesticated animals, such as horses, are lovingly described as “magnificent beasts,” and all of these animals are widely viewed as worthy of protection, useful as mascots and often photographed and videoed. Next at the mike would be animals that are in emergency situations needing help or in predicaments that offer a ripe teaching moment to the human animals, concerning how urgent the situation is for some animals. Also, through the hours, there would be a stress on providing a diversity of animal viewpoints, both to provide a multidimensional picture to human viewers and to maintain morale and fairness within the animal kingdom. At least that was the hope for the line-up. Commencement of the hundred-hour TALKOUT to the human world was transmitted through the Human Genius.

  The TALKOUT Begins

  Up first, by design, were the domesticates, themselves objects of both pity and envy by their feral cousins, some of whom were already grumbling that domesticates got first place.

  The horse began, keeping to the envy strategy, in a light-hearted way. “Oh, humans, carried by we the horse corps for so many centuries into work, battle, markets, visits, processions, and varieties of entertainments, how we envy your ability to wipe your asses after defecation. We horses are unable to eliminate these residues, which discomfort us in so many ways, including during lovemaking. Sure we can sleep on our four feet, but we’d trade that gladly for your ability to flush.”

  Ripples of delighted laughter coursed through the mass of mankind, eyes affixed to their screens. This intensified their attentiveness for what was about to follow.

  Next up, the dog mixed envy with modesty. “Wuff, humans, for many millennia we have been your loyal guards, lickers, companions, and, being partly descended from the wolf, your hunting hounds. Our sense of smell, your scientists say, is over two hundred times more sensitive than your sniffs. That is why you use us to track lost persons, fleeing criminals, explosives, drugs, and now—woof, woof—even to detect human cancer.

  “Yet you seem not to understand how blessed you are for not being able to smell so much. We dogs are overwhelmed by your smells; in your homes from the cooking, smoking, fresheners, oils, toilets, sweat, and dust mixtures. Imagine smelling all this two hundred times more than you do, every day! You should no longer wonder
why, when you walk us each day to get our and your exercise, we immediately try to sniff anything natural, whether from the soil, leaves, bark, bushes, or other passing dogs and cats.

  “You’re so fortunate that your noses are more decorative, apart from breathing, and that you’re developing separate artificial sniffers for use when needed.

  “And you big city folk who get irritated when you hear police, fire, and other sirens passing by your neighborhood, note that we hear them constantly from distances all over the city.”

  Believe it or not, this early in the TALKOUT, there was already an unscheduled appearance, a Kenyan-based hyena, who felt canines were not properly represented by a mere dog, and pushed to the front of the queue to unburden herself of a thinly veiled gripe: “Humans, let me be clear, hyenas do not laugh. What you describe as laughing is not laughing. Would that we had that capacity for expressing joy and delight as your voices do. Our cry is just that, a form of communication often under stressful conditions. You, humans, on the other hand, are capable of almost endless vocal nuances reflecting many of your moods and intents. We have almost none of these wonderful ways to express ourselves.”

  The Elephant nodded in satisfaction as, after a minor complaint, the hyena got with the program and offered some broad flattery to humans.

  The finch hopped up next to continue the comments on the skills of human vocalizing. “I, like any songbird, like music even when it doesn’t communicate anything about danger or territoriality. But we songbirds are very limited and very repetitious. In the early morning, you humans like our singing but seem content with hearing the ‘same old song.’ But humans have a singing voice with enormous variety and tone and, even without your voice, you make beautiful music with your many instruments. Also, you rhapsodize about it, make poetry and films about it, and you’re always making new kinds of music that reflect your culture and feelings. Can you help us diversify our sounds? Can we learn to do so or are we too limited by nature? We songbirds find some of your music almost hypnotically soothing, such as ‘Clair de Lune.’”

  The finch spoke these words with such emotion and gentleness that tears came to the eyes of many human viewers. Repetition works sometimes. The Oberlin Conservatory sent messages to other conservatories for a conference devoted to what the finch had discussed. A singing band in Sao Paulo began composing a song to honor the finch and other songbirds. Views from the insect world were not so positive; mosquitoes and earthworms were distinctly unimpressed, seeing the finch as going on a frolic, but not discussing its consumptive mercilessness when it came to swallowing insects.

  The wolf began with a prolonged howl as if speaking to the moon. “I, a much misunderstood animal, wish to second the finch’s request. The howls of the wolves scare humans as they echo through canyons or bounce off mountain walls. We wolves cannot help our limitations when it comes to vocalizing sounds. But we would like to learn to howl or bark in a more varied manner, not from your domesticated dogs, who seemed to have learned nothing in this regard for centuries, but from your millions of super-dedicated dog lovers and protectors of wolves from extermination.

  Unfortunately, the wolf ’s plea was met with “howls” of derisive laughter from humans. The wolf ’s stereotyped image was still in their minds. Some saw it as a ruse by the wolf to develop different sounds by which to communicate to one another so as to elude hunters or the hated collar-around-the-neck naturalists. Others suspected that the wolves had some hidden agenda. A girl named Olivia, who had read gobs of pages about wolves, seen videos about wolves, and traveled with her father to Wyoming to view the wolves in the wilds, said in a brief text message to all wolves, “Don’t make too much of this negative human response. There is room to just live and let live.”

  The chimpanzee wanted to amplify the hyena’s earlier point about humans’ ability to express their emotions. “You know, humans, although our DNA is almost the same, we can only look with wonder at the variety of facial expressions—both deliberate and instinctual—that you can generate many times an hour. Sure, chimps can express fear, anger, pain, and, with a little child, compassion. Through your experimentation with us, soon to be phased out we hope, you know we are very limited in such facial signals. Your two percent difference in DNA from us makes a big difference. P.S. We don’t envy your arm strength though. You get us angry and with one solid smack we can tear your head off. So, in zoos, for your protection, please, adults and children, keep your distance. It is not easy staying calm under a sentence of life imprisonment.”

  “Taking off from my friend, the chimpanzee,” said the Australian kangaroo, “even though we are marsupials and can hold our front paws in a vertical position, how we would love to have the seemingly limitless gestures that you humans can generate with your limbs. Some of you can hardly speak without automatic-type gestures of your fingers, hands, and arms—sometimes your feet and legs too—that conform precisely to what you are saying, effortlessly. Roos stand in awe of that ability to better convey your words with visuals. Were we to have that capability, it would have saved many of us from your relentless hunters.”

  By this time, millions of viewing humans were feeling pretty proud of themselves as many children were making faces and gestures—exaggerated—to each other.

  The great birds perched high in the air were observing all these testimonials with skepticism. They chirped to one another through the software app. They had formed a caucus that felt that some balance to the uplifting presentation was needed. Too much of an avalanche of envy and praise can nourish more human hubris, adding more perils to subhumans. The caucus agreed that it was time to get humans thinking about the value of subhumans as advisors. They chose one of their wisest members as a spokes-bird.

  The guiding TRIAD recognized the justice of their ideas and allowed an owl to break the admiration spell. “Oh, humans, although your solid wastes have increased the number of mice for my diet, and I heartily thank you for that, I feel impelled to convey some words of caution, words that, viewed from another direction, may reduce your fears about the future of our planet.

  “Let me put it plainly. I and my fellow owls do give a hoot about how you live, for you are destroying our forest habitats, which eliminates our future. Remember the spotted owl in the U.S. Northwest, which was protected by your own Endangered Species Act. That act also protected your forest from clear-cutting, preserving the wilderness for your children.

  “But other owls are not protected. We cannot be left just with barns in which to raise our young. I can’t get my mind around this contradiction. Never have you humans known more about the natural world of creatures and vegetation, of water, soil, and air. And never have you destroyed more of the natural world in so many avoidable ways. While your scientists are producing piles of knowledge daily, your other activities are polluting, poisoning, clear-cutting, eroding, melting, and extinguishing the natural world at an accelerating rate. So smart, yet so not, you humans lunging toward omnicide. Anyway, just a thought. The mice are nice, though the frogs are disappearing.”

  The soaring eagle and the hawk were listening intently to the Owl, and nodding their feathered heads in agreement. With their sweeping aerial range, they had a broader perspective on the world and its decay than land- or ocean-based mammals, they felt. Their eyesight was remarkable, an evolutionary reality necessary for the survival of these raptors, these exquisitely developed predators.

  “Oh, humans,” said the eagle, pushing to the stage behind his owl friend so he could keep up the drumbeat of criticism, but, at the same time, seeing the need to begin with a little more (assumed) envy in order to sweeten the message, “your most powerful nation, the United States, has elevated me as your national bird and symbol. But I am merely an exalted vulture bird with only about the biggest lift capacity for the prey I clutch in my talons. How I envy your agile planes: their grace, speed, height, and maneuverability. Even your balloons display great steadiness and stamina in the air.

  “Yet these same pl
anes and their bombs and missiles have been used toward ever greater destruction of everything in their path. Sometimes the explosions are just the beginning, followed by radioactivity and other forms of silent violence that remain for an eternity. Yes, I agree with my nocturnal comrade, the owl. For the smarter you become, the more self-destructive can be your results, a paradox you have heard from your more environmentally sensitive people. But just as the United States reversed course and protected us eagles from extinction, we hope you humans can reverse course on the larger matters of life on earth.”

  Just as suspected by the mother elephant, with humans, truth was not the way to go. For, as their audience studies were showing, once some of the faults of humans were mentioned, in the vast human audience, fascination began to be interrupted with skepticism. Brilliant software specialists and futurists suspected a ruse unfolding of human origin and loudly spread their suspicions around the globe. News outlets carried their doubts to their mass audiences. The masses began to murmur; some returned to their daily work. The animal kingdom absorbed this emerging loss of credibility and spotted the culprit, the deep feeling among humans, with their blurred grasp, that the animal kingdom could not possibly have enough intelligence to understand the world’s problems and dilemmas. It was all, humans suspected, a clever stratagem of culture jamming from that Vancouver-based magazine or somewhere, said one talk show host in New York, the notorious Rush Limburger.

  We Interrupt This TALKOUT

  The TRIAD of Elephant, Crocodile, and Dolphin who launched this TALKOUT exerted their privilege and called a recess to discuss and adjust to this rising disbelief among the humans. All this was too much for the Crocodile, who bowed out with a splashy apology. Immediately, the Elephant recruited the Owl, who had spoken so eloquently earlier. The Elephant knew this appointment would mollify the bothersome bird caucus. The three went into executive session with the help of another special app.