Animal Envy

by Ralph Nader

  The Owl came and alighted with dignity on the Elephant’s back—not on his head or trunk—that would have been too showy. The Owl described flying over large desolate tracks of gouged land, without vegetation, marked by slag heaps of crushed rock, sand, and chemicals. Nothing moved except the scurrying scorpions and other hardy insects. Stagnant water of various colors incubated deformed bugs. Intoned the wise Owl: “How many more dead zones can humans make all of us endure, before you and your corporations start making peace with our planet?”

  Along came the Dolphin with an oceanic vision of dead zones in the seas. “I,” cried the Dolphin, “call them extinction zones.” The Dolphin had never appeared angrier, shaking and with flashing eyes. “Your Gulf of Mexico has a huge dead zone—over four million acres—where nothing visible can live. Any marine animals who stray there become sick with awfullooking skin sores. Many have no ability to detect the danger until it is too late. There are no warning signs by humans.

  “My sources throughout oceandom have inundated me with dead zone locations of all sizes everywhere, based on their own harmful experiences. Some zones are becoming deadlier; others have been dead and abandoned by their contaminators. Humans think the oceans will dilute everything they dump, but as an aquatic traveler wide and far, I can attest that the oceans are nearing their carrying capacity, losing oxygen and many species of fish, some forever.

  “My close friend the manatee—he looks sluggish but is very aware—tells me that by 2040 the bulk of all your seafood will be from fish farms, which further pollute themselves and the ocean with insecticides and other chemicals. Then there are the genetically engineered fish escaping the nets to breed and compromise the gene pool of their natural counterparts. These facts come from your own studies, oh humans.

  “My humble suggestion,” said the Dolphin, “is to plot the dead zones on a map of the world, so you can see them on your screens and with your children or in larger size in your marine museums. Support the establishment of well-located marine sanctuaries to which we in the ocean can repair for rest and rejuvenation, perhaps even for mating and giving birth, as land animals can do in your designated wilderness forest and desert areas.”

  Whereupon the Elephant, the Owl, and the Dolphin remained quiet for two minutes, and then the Elephant, so sensitive to different sounds, ended the solemn session with a sad, haunting trumpet sound. No presentation was followed by as much silence, which was picked up among millions of humans all over the globe, a silence that did not escape the quiet animal kingdom either. The impact, said one ecologist to another in Cold Springs Harbor, “was so different and greater in increasing awareness than our statistics, studies, testimony, and even pictures. The TRIAD conveyed much emotional intelligence in the way they handled this subject.”

  Variety Show: Dark and Light

  A horse and a bear pointed out that their segments would fit right in at this point. Not quite getting the connection, the Elephant asked for more of an explanation. As the horse told her, it was as if, perverse as humans could be, while they were killing whole sections of the world, they dreamed of repopulating it, not with natural animals but with reprogrammed or cloned ones.

  The horse, quoting the Wall Street Journal, told its story, “You humans, and I’ve carried many of you for many years, talk about ‘invasive species’ in a derogatory manner: plants, fish, snakes, and mussels. But can’t you see yourselves as an invasive species of the animal world?

  “You’re starting to clone my kind, horses. It is one thing to breed us against our natural inclinations. But now the human cloners want their horses to have equal rights to register them with the American Quarter Horse Association Registry. A judge in Texas ruled that the association cannot bar cloned horses from its lists. The association wanted to exclude cloned horses because it cannot determine the parentage of cloned horses and worries about narrowing the gene pool. Can’t you just get out of our genes, for horses’ sake? Someday it could happen to you!”

  The black salmon (sometimes called the cobia) wasn’t talking about cloning, but genetic manipulation, also quoting from the Wall Street Journal.

  “You humans,” he said, “want to turn me into a vegetarian after eons of being a committed carnivore of crab, squid, smaller fish, anything with flesh. You’re messing around with my taste buds, trying to trick me into eating some concocted amino acid goo. I don’t want to be a vegetarian. My whole makeup is to swallow flesh, and you don’t know what the side effects will be.

  “It all started when you farm-fished me, then had to give menhaden fish feed to me in the cage which depleted the crucial menhaden fisheries, which provide the main diet in the wild ocean for all kinds of marine animals, including dolphins, tuna, swordfish, and swooping birds like gulls.

  “Have you figured out how changing my diet to vegetarian is going to make me taste when you eat me? You will probably have to do things to save wild fish for eating and sport. I’m very much craved in India, China, and Europe. That means lots of wild little fish have to be caught to feed me and my species. So explain it all to me and I’ll communicate through all black salmondom. Thank you.”

  A bear trundled forward, saying his segment would fit in at this point. It was put on as a humorous counterpoint to the last piece. He was also playing off a story in the Wall Street Journal. His complaint was that many humans wanted to convert his eating habits, not making him purely a vegetarian—he was already an omnivore—but a junk food addict.

  The wild black bear appeared perplexed. It seems he got caught up in a controversy between humans who want to have harmonious relationships “with us wild bears and those humans who fear us and warn about getting too close to us with their hands offering delicacies like yogurt-covered raisins and marshmallows. I suppose the fearful humans are from the ‘Please Don’t Feed the Bears’ school of thought. You know the backlash against black bears if there are one or two harmful human incidents. Just LEAVE US ALONE PLEASE with our shrinking habitat! We’re smart but not smart enough to figure out every line that cannot be crossed as you try to harmonize with us.”

  The quick trio of speakers resonated very well in the animal kingdom, except for insects eaten by bears. These tiny creatures liked the allure of a different harmonizing diet for bears made up of non-sentient matter, by which they meant plants and marshmallows. For the rest of the animal kingdom, the three speakers sounded as if they had given a modern declaration of independence, one carefully phrased so as not to anger humans, and including ethicists, scientists, theologians, and people without titles who are worried about this new human invasiveness. Because of the horse, the black salmon, and the bear, a broader and deeper dialogue is sure to be on its way.

  The TRIAD had decided to archive for release later another story about animals’ eating being tampered with, as this story was so depressing. It was a story that could be read in the Wall Street Journal. In the filmed but not broadcast sequence, a group of stiff cattle came walking tippy-toed to the stage. They beseeched human governments to help them. One bull spoke for all when he said his weakness had something to do with what the feed lots of humans put into their food to make them gain weight faster before they are slaughtered. “We cattle are resigned to be sacrificed for your human appetites. But can’t we live our artificially shorter lives in some comfort grazing and chewing our cud?”

  It turned out that the culprit was Zilmax, a feed additive made by the giant drug company Merck & Co. The big meat processor companies are actually stopping purchases of Zilmax, an additive that already has been ingested by twenty-five million cattle. They don’t think the trouble Zilmax causes is worth the twenty more pounds it adds to each cow. Besides, consumers are more and more demanding of meat without antibiotics and other drug additives, even eating less or no meat when they are unsure. The fear of antibiotic resistance is also a growing factor weighing on their diet choices.

  The TRIAD didn’t put this on, seeing that the gloom was already spreading from the salmon’s talk of decli
ning species. Then came two jellyfish with good news for them. Careful viewers, however, saw that, just like the tick, the jellyfish were obliquely criticizing humans for throwing the world out of whack. “We jellyfish dominated the oceans half a billion years ago. Then came creatures that liked to eat us, like sharks and whales and other big fish. Well, they are all declining so we are multiplying like crazy. Warm and acidic water environments do help our numbers. For us global warming is great. We’re called living fossils, but what can stop us?

  “Who can survive and thrive while being spineless and brainless? Jellyfish, that’s who! We sting beachgoers and get away with it. We can be as small as a grain of sand or as large as a stove.

  “We have a number of different colors and can flash, sparkle and glow. As we multiply and expand our range toward once cooler but now warming parts of the ocean, humans avoid even thinking of eating us or even grinding us up as fish feed for fish farms. We mate and reproduce fast. Here’s the lesson for humans: the more you degrade and toxify the oceans, the more of us there will be and the more of you will get stung.

  “One more motivation we can give you for respecting us. Your neuroscientists have discovered that one of our jellyfish proteins can be used in a drug that helps reduce age-related memory loss. Who knows what else lies within our bodies for you to adapt for human health? Better respect us. Toodle-oo!”

  Sometimes reverse psychology works better. The jellyfish, brainless as they are, reached more than a few brains among the human animals, who, unless stung, hardly knew anything about jellyfish

  While goal one was to emphasize respect for humans, the TRIAD, in selecting the next stories, wanted to underline how some humans had already paid homage to worthy animals. A spokes-dog mentioned that a model honoring the Dogs of War will be built near Fort Bragg in North Carolina.

  War dogs save soldiers’ lives by alerting them to an ambush or detecting explosives. That is defense. The canine monument, standing near the parade grounds, will be a life-size bronze Belgian malinois, outfitted with a combat vest and camera. Around the malinois will be granite pavers with the names of dogs killed in warfare. This should not upset human viewers who see that the dog was serving on the side of their opponents. For whatever has been written—and it is a lot lately—about “the intelligence of dogs,” no author has claimed that even the smartest war dogs work out of conviction for one side or another. It is all about the trainer and the training.

  Watching this segment, thousands of Seeing Eye dogs, faithfully next to their blind humans, wondered why they, the loyal canines of vision that enabled humans to lead a fuller life, were not given at least equal billing with war dogs. Maybe later, they hoped.

  The Washington Post was used as a reference for the next story, which was about a dedication ceremony for a heroic horse, Sergeant Reckless, unveiled at the National Museum of the Marine Corps. It is a life-size statue of Reckless, a real horse. She learned to take ammunition to the battlefield in Korea and carry wounded soldiers to safety. She could even step over communication wires.

  The equine world watched and beamed with pride of the species. See, some said, look what cooperation between horses and humans can produce. Human visits to the Marine Museum in Washington, D.C., increased sharply.

  Given the accolades humans had given to animal helpers in these situations, a goat demanded his segment be aired so human animals could note one of his contributions. He put it in terms of a story.

  “On a warm August day at the congressional cemetery in Washington, D.C., a herd of goats was rented from Eco-goats to eat an acre and a half worth of poison ivy and English ivy, honeysuckle, and other vines smothering the trees. These vines could bring the trees crashing down and damage the gravestones. The ivy’s leaves could block the trees’ photosynthesis, which would surely destroy them. After decades of neglect and decay, the cemetery is making a comeback and the publicity about some fifty goats munching the vegetation brought the place great media and photos. Although some vegetation is not to the taste of us goats, did they ever denude the targeted vines and leave behind some good natural fertilizer before they were loaded onto the trucks and brought back to their Maryland farm. More goats are being rented around the country to reduce the vegetation. They are cheaper than lawn care companies, and herbicides are not needed.”

  The goat beamed: “We are the ultimate recyclers, and we don’t pollute the air or discharge toxic chemicals. Maybe we’ll be allowed to live longer because of our new goat mission. We’ll certainly get more respect from the enviros who have condemned us for contributing to land erosion, not entirely inaccurate, but we have to live too and we don’t have any mens rea level of intelligence. See I’ve picked up some knowledge during these one hundred hours to defend goatdom.”

  The world’s sheep, looking at all this goat glory, were both envious and upset. After all, they are far more obedient to humans, do not denude grasslands, provide clothing for the human animal, endure infanticide of their lambs, and don’t get any airtime; all this was communicated and duly received by the TRIAD for assessment.

  Not to be outdone, a beetle came forward, one from the Rhinoncomimus latipes family, to show how he and his fellows were providing biological control services.

  Recently, New York City poured five thousand of these Asian weevils in several parks to destroy a prolific vine that threatens native plants and trees. These invasive vines spread so fast, they’re called “mile-a-minute,” growing up to twenty feet in a single season. They suffocate native plants, such as aster, goldenrod and pokeweed. Mile-a-minute can shorten the growth of saplings and even hasten the death of mature trees. Enter the R. latipes, the Asian weevil, the size of a sesame seed. Through the weevil’s entire life cycle, from egg to larva to pupa to adult, it feasts only on mile-a-minute.

  “We can’t do the whole job,” said a cluster of Asian beetles in unison, while feasting on the targeted vine, “but we can keep them down a lot.”

  A mouse and an ape had their segments put on next. In the wings, they justly complained that while the goats and weevils were helping humans’ favored plants, mice and apes helped humans where it hurt, that is, where they hurt from often deliberately inflicted diseases.

  The mouse, a rodent studied more than even humans in laboratories around the world, said: “I, the mouse, am here to remind you humans that your scientists estimate that eighty percent of substances toxic to mice are also toxic to you humans. Those toxins include, by the way, sugar in foods, especially high-fructose corn syrup. A sugary diet makes my mice friends less able to do things they need to do daily, like defending their territory from other male mice or mating. By the way, we mice wonder why you despise us and our rats when we are your most important subjects for your medical research.”

  The ape rose to full height to speak: “I, the ape, note animals are sharing major diseases. Wild gorillas have been felled by Ebola hemorrhagic fever, as has the wild chimpanzee population. You humans give us deadly respiratory diseases. Remember the forty-five years of disasters at Gombe Stream National Park in Tanzania, in which the chimps suffered epidemics of polio and respiratory diseases.

  “Wild chimpanzees have also died in great numbers from AIDS. You humans believe that the deadly virus that has taken millions of your lives came from us in Africa. Yes, you have given chimpanzees polio vaccines in their bananas after a horrible epidemic. We, the great apes in the wilds, request that you continue research with our captive relatives in your labs—treat them humanely and inform them that such research is good for all of us—and that you subject your own humans to clinical trials. Some of your labs abuse our kind and do so for trivial commercial purposes, such as to test cosmetics. Labs should only do experiments to help us control such diseases as I described and others such as hepatitis.

  “Speaking for wild primates to our incarcerated heroic brethren, stay courageous for scientific discoveries that may save us from diseases: humans and us. To the human animals, we say, do only what is necessary an
d cannot be done by other means as you treat your captives humanely. And give them a peaceful sanctuary when you retire them. And remember, biomedically we’re not that much different from you.”

  This was a real thought-provoking segment that brought humans closer to their primate cousins. The ape and mouse strode off the stage, with the mouse being careful to follow the ape to avoid being inadvertently crushed.

  Much earlier in the TALKOUT a heroic rooster had broadcast shots of domesticates in factory farms, but a new bunch of delegates from these animals, who had approved auditions— unfortunately many more animal segments had been approved than could possibly run—were asking for more time. True, they had had a moment in the sun already, but, as they justly said, they had only been allowed brief vignettes and not given the airtime to state all their grievances.

  The TRIAD—the Elephant, the Owl, and the Dolphin—took their comments very seriously. How could anyone argue with their desperation and pleas? On the other hand, putting the domesticates on the stage a second time to portray their cruel treatment and subsequent slaughter would jeopardize the careful calibration of the one hundred hours, which they were now finalizing, not to go into that arena, but to lay the groundwork for much later raising the question of animal genocide, after the initial TALKOUT had created some level of coherent understanding between human and subhuman.

  And after all, two of the three TRIAD members were carnivores. “So look who’s talking,” the Owl and the Dolphin whispered to each other. “Voilá,” said the Elephant, herbivore, “we tell the domesticates that while being very sympathetic to their cause, a majority of the TRIAD has a genetically determined conflict of interest and regrettably must defer any decision to a future Secretariat. We hope you will understand,” the TRIAD concluded. The delegation of the domesticates wearily drifted away from the closed door session wondering what they could do next, other than just wait and wait for their distant descendants to try again.