Animal Envy

by Ralph Nader

  Next up was the Chimpanzee, who said: “You humans make a lot of jokes about the ‘birds and the bees’—at least you did in the pre-television, pre-Internet days. Well, watch how the bees do it with unmatched efficiency at the expense of the joyless drones.”

  Onto the screen came the queen bee on her rare mating flights seeking about one male bee drone out of twenty thousand who were flying after her. In the middle of the act, sometimes the male bee crumbles dead, leaving his genitals inside the queen. The QUARTET’s Chimpanzee was not briefed on this lack of self-control, unheard of in primatedom. So he could not explain what was happening and retreated red-faced to the side.

  All this had a powerful effect on the human viewing audience. The vicarious masses, when it came to watching primates and other mammals exchanging fluids, were coming to substitute their own activity for curiosity. Then “Eureka!” yelled those who wanted to keep a tight leash on human sexuality. This “change of species,” insects eating their mates and so on, was just the turnoff that the religious leaders and Planned Parenthood were seeking.

  But, apparently, curiosity is not as renewable as sensuality. As one mating scene came and went, the ratings slowly started to decline. After all, how much can human viewers relate to mating gyrations by rats, octopi, bean weevils, frogs, tortoises, bumblebees, birds—oh how dull are birds presumably doing it. Fruit flies, flatworms, and spoon worms aren’t much better. Even with micro-action-focusing narratives by the QUARTET, preceded by anatomical measurements of sex organs, body size differentials between males and females—for example, the female spoon worm is two hundred thousand times bigger that the male— and remarkable insect copulation times—the twig insect takes two months—human attention spans flagged heavily. Human voyeurism seems to require anthropomorphic animal shapes like primates or, at least, barnyard animal-type mountings.

  It was time to close things up. The QUARTET, having finished their task and accomplished a great ratings increase overall, was thanked by the TRIAD on the screen. The Sturgeon, the Cheetah, the Cane Toad, and the Chimpanzee all did their curtseying in their special manner and departed the stage.

  Taking Stock

  The TRIAD announced a seven-day recess. The human audience exploited what they had learned from the matings program in many ways: commercial humor, scientific reflections, psychological probings, provocative novelty sales, gossip at the water coolers, and huge Internet traffic and links to parts of the Matings Program deemed most intense by the senders for their “friends.”

  During the intermission, the TRIAD reviewed the reactions to the mating games by the animal/insect kingdom. There were three kinds. The ones who knew the purpose of this program was to get the attention of humans for the larger purposes of the one hundred hours responded favorably. The second group were animals/insects who thought this presentation of their sex acts was outrageously exploitive, showing species in their most private moments.

  The third type of response focused on what the mating scenes taught them about the idiocy, the foolish fetishism, and the obsession of humans with the sex act, which seemed to be on their minds every day and night in one way or another. It made these responders feel superior, regarding the restriction of mating to short periods of the animals’/insects’ lives as a way to order priorities in life more rationally, so as not be pulled down into a hedonistic hell that would doom them.

  The TRIAD was impressed and proud of their animal/insect colleagues’ observations. But one other, darker strain of human responses they viewed as truly ugly. There were strong suggestions, conveyed by the Human Genius, who had been studying human reactions, that, according to some human audience members, if they really wanted human ratings to go through the roof, they should portray animals fighting, including showing battling insects, with every fight being taken to the death. These human viewers craved seeing tigers fighting tigers, gorillas fighting gorillas, snakes fighting snakes, birds fighting birds, and sharks fighting sharks.

  Disturbingly, some animals also thought such fights would be beneficial as a way to attract a human audience. A few animals, showing how much they had learned about humans’ love of combative sport, said, “Why not induce a few cross-species fights: such as a lion fighting a grizzly or two coyotes fighting one wolf?”

  Somehow, as previously noted, they had heard of the short battle in the wilds between a mongoose and a cobra, caught by human video, which has been visited billions of times on the Internet by humans of all kinds, a completely cross-cultural, cross-ideological fixation. (The mongoose easily won.)

  It didn’t take the time of an elephant trumpet and owl’s hoot or a dolphin’s high-pitched sounds to produce a resounding no from the TRIAD. No animal fights of any kind. No insect fights of any kind would be staged for the bloodthirsty human viewers. Didn’t animals see it would demean everything they been doing in these one hundred hours?

  That settled, the TRIAD moved to discuss the final message they each wished to give to humankind at the conclusion of the hundred hours. They agreed that it should be short, ten minutes at most. Humans would not want to be “lectured” for a long time by what many, though less than before the TALKOUT, still believed to be inferior, more ignorant, genetically controlled species. But the TRIAD did believe that huge numbers of humans, tutored and surprised by the TALKOUT, were maintaining a fascinated expectancy for the final words of the by-now globally heralded Celebrity Three.

  The TRIAD prepared their valedictory in order to present the most thoughtful message and one that would elicit human support for continuing the TALKOUT in more advanced, purposeful ways. The Human Genius, consulted by the TRIAD, agreed heartily with their approach.

  Whetting Appetites

  After their feverish preparations were finished, the TRIAD knew the time has come to deliver the SUM-UP, whose content had to link to the OPEN-UP for further interactions and presentations. The TRIAD intended their thoughts to have been preceded by reflections, so, as noted, there had been a week recess for such preparation. The first order of business was alerting humans that this finale was worth their attention, their curiosity, their pleasure. Eye-catching signals were given by each member of the TRIAD.

  First the Elephant invited eleven other elephants to join together with her so a dozen pachyderm trumpeters could communicate a prime salute to humans, who had never before heard such a fugue in twelve parts.

  The Owl and her flock of thirty owls swept up into the sky and made spectacular maneuvers that impressed the pilots of the Blue Angels. The Owl and her team ended with a demonstration of plummeting as if to catch a mouse in a dense thicket. The plummet was accomplished with such synchronization and breathless speed that humans blurted out that no plane could have imitated such actions and survived.

  Not to be outdone, the Dolphin convened one hundred dolphins to put on an amazing flurry of vertical dances, each with their many signature whistles, with the mammals rising from the ocean depths, jumping high into the air above the water, and coming back down, again and again in a series of round trips that exhausted human viewers. Because the TRIAD was such a celebrity trio already, humans rejoiced with them as they would with well-known athletes and movie stars.

  Their physical announcements completed, the level of excitement among humans elevated, the TRIAD took a day off to rest and ready themselves for their finale.

  The Valedictory

  As the time came for the last act, the TRIAD’s entrance onto the stage was deliberate but not stiff, upbeat but not officious.

  The Elephant began: “The TRIAD wishes to close this remarkable hundred hours with gratitude, optimism, and humility.

  “Gratitude to the sensational inventor who made it possible for the animal/insect kingdom to communicate with each other, to absorb at a rapid pace the knowledge from the human kingdom, and to receive feedback from humans during and after the programming that was at times critical, but mostly very gratifying and respectful.

  “Our optimism stems from the polling o
f humans during the programming, which showed a rising recognition on their part of the intelligence of the animal/insect worlds. There was an increase in human sensitivity to animals’ problems that went with such awareness of our cognition and emotions.

  “Our humility was given a depth from the mutual realization of what our two worlds, human and animal, have to teach and offer one another as we learn more. While there are surely drawbacks to your study of us, such as cloning, zootic applications, and conflicts within your own ranks as you try to make new decisions for the preservation of other species, the prospects, on the whole, appear bright.”

  The Elephant stepped back and the Owl then took center stage. “Although you humans have rightly ascribed wisdom to my breed, it is a trait tinged with a darker view of life as befits my nocturnal habits. I must be candid in these remaining moments.

  “Humans, you need to refine your moral compass. The intricacies of your contradictions render this a difficult task. Toward your domesticates, you have a deep love, but at the same time a homicidal relationship, especially with your cats and dogs. On the one hand you are greatly expanding the number of dogs and cats you have as pets and as ‘family members.’ On the other hand, dogs and cats who find themselves without proxies are euthanized or beaten mercilessly, even by your animal humane societies or by sadistic elements among you. We are speaking of tens of millions of canines and felines in each sphere. We, in the animal kingdom, cannot understand this morality. It is not functional. For the activities in your ‘family’ pet sphere lead to what you call ‘overpopulation’ in the brutish sphere.

  “In addition, your fabled ‘instinct for survival’ is marred by the many things done daily in your own culture that damage or eradicate piece by piece the conditions for your survival. For an example, take the relentless destruction of our habitat. You are suffering from soil erosion, loss of forest, expansion of desert areas, loss of biodiversity of species replaced by monocultures, the spread of what you contemptuously call ‘invasive species,’ and the ‘big one’: climate change! Some of the anomalies flow from your own intelligence backfiring, others flow from ignorance, while the rest come from the triumph of greed over virtue and prudence. I, the Owl, am sure that you know all this, but sometimes it helps for you to know that those whom you view as ‘lower creatures’ know it as well.”

  The Owl stepped aside and our friend the Dolphin, encased in sea water, now gave his thoughts: “I, the Dolphin, view humans from my oceanic framework, which these days, despite its vastness, is moving toward perilous decline in its circulatory system, especially hard hit by de-oxygenation and rising acidity. The prosperity of multiplying jellyfish and algae is simply more evidence of the poor health of the oceans.

  “I must admit that one principal impression I came away with from the one hundred hours is how the trivial pursuits of some humans produce devastating consequences for some important species, including capstone ones. Hunting the dwindling species of whales for very modest amounts of steak! Overfishing the vast school of cod, nearly below the level of recovery, off the eastern Canadian and U.S. coast, letting shortsighted harvesting override the accurate warnings of marine scientists and wise fishermen! Throwing overboard vast amounts of fish simply because they are not known menu offerings!

  “Since your studies keep telling you how smart and intelligent we dolphins are, may I say that you are outsmarting yourself in terrible ways, adversely affecting humans and brutally dwindling aquatic life, including hurting the smallest denizens, who are affected by planetary warming and thinning of the ozone layer.

  “I’ve been thinking hard as I can, consulting with wiser dolphins, porpoises, and even whales, to come up with ways to sound the alarms from our side. Alas, nothing was forthcoming of any use. One thought that hit me hard came from a beautiful blue whale friend, who, swimming near Baja California and shaken by Naval sonar blasts, said: ‘Dolphie, let’s face it. Our only messages to humans are our corpses, which appear at the times of mass beaching and viral die-outs’.

  “Some humans in power are getting the message. Large marine sanctuaries are being created by nations with the recognition of international law. It is small wonder that the animals of the sea are starting to migrate to them for safety and raising their families in these homelands of their security. These areas are like your pristinely safeguarded wilderness areas on land, which wild land mammals should be learning more about.”

  The preliminary remarks and courtesies completed, the Elephant moved to raise a delicate matter indeed. “I, the Elephant, knowing how we sometimes misbehave as a herd and run roughshod through cultivated fields or through areas of residence of the tribes-people in Africa, have become astounded at how much more emotional humans are than we of the animal/insect kingdom are. By emotional I mean how you often lose control of yourselves and act against your own overall self-interest. To put it plainly, how you often go berserk, both individually and collectively.

  “Elephants are known for their memories. We remember what King Leopold of Belgium did to the Congo, and the millions of humans of a different color whom his soldiers slaughtered. Your books and movies have chronicled all kinds of similar killing rampages throughout the centuries all over the world. Your modern weapons, driven by your emotions, can destroy the planet, even by accident. Maybe the animal/insect world can help you to distinguish between impulsive behavior and emotional omnicide.

  “You humans have larger-size brains and your emotions presumably are under the control of your brains or more rational selves. And yet, too often, you lose control of yourselves completely. Just look at your deadly personal addictions, your collective wars and rampant destruction of nature’s purity of water, air, and soil, shockingly soiling your own nest, so to speak. You’re going out of your way to take out the natural nutrition of your food and replace it with the chemicals, sugars, and salt favored by your marketers. You’ve even replaced much of mother’s breast milk. No animal is that stupid.

  “As an elephant, presiding over a large family, I know I’m not leading with a strong trunk. My forebears, the mastodons, couldn’t adapt, and while we know how to adapt, we’re being poached toward extinction if loss of habitat doesn’t get us first. A special plea: Create artificial ivory so precise that the traders can’t tell the difference (as you’ve been doing with diamonds) and flood the market to take the profit out of poaching. PLEASE!”

  The Owl, noticing how emotional the Elephant was becoming, albeit for the most crucial cause, hooted that it was her turn to discuss another important subject: the folly of going to the other extreme and giving animals, such as pets and primates, legal personhood. Reflecting previous deliberations among the TRIAD and numerous other representatives of the animal/ insect world, the Owl strongly urged against the personhood movement among humans.

  “We,” said the Owl, “have many talents that you are discovering, including the use of tools by our crows, monkeys, alligators, and others. But neither the wild animals nor the domesticates have the wherewithal to assume the responsibilities of personhood. No way! There are limits to anthropomorphism. Your veterinarians are right to oppose personhood. Their reason, among many, is that they cannot assume the liabilities of animal ‘persons’ who can sue for malpractice, pain and suffering, and other assumed violated obligations, such as mental distress. Besides, we grasp that some of us have to be sacrificed for medical research, hopefully restricted toward finding ways to prevent or overcome diseases for both human and animal species. Look at the time during the one hundred hours devoted to making the point that the more you learn about us, the better it is for both of us.

  “Your lives are far too complex for us to share in your personhood. Consider, for instance, your sexual practices and your domestic relations. They are inscrutable to most of us. In the same family, you sexually love each other, then beat, rape, and sometimes kill each other. Monogamy and adultery share spouses’ time. Some cultures have arranged marriages. You are known to abandon your children or freq
uently divorce and fight over custody. You confuse sex with love. You profitably commercialize sexual taboos, antics, waywardness, and exhibitionism. You have foster parents for foster children. Your children often have no homes and roam the streets. You have plenty of food in your societies; still tens of millions of children are famished and undernourished and millions die of starvation or humanpolluted water.

  “But considering your reactions to the program on mating habits, sex is on your minds constantly. It’s in the advertised appeals to your shopping and all through your entertainment business. You seem ready to go at it at all times. There is no such time as ‘rutting season,’ because procreation is only a tiny part of why you have sex with one another. Whole industries crop up to address whether you’ve got the stuff to ‘Be a man’ or ‘Be a woman,’ right down to enhancing drugs, prosthetics, and the creation of seductive moods, apparel, cosmetics, plastic surgery, and other allurements.

  “Why, in the world of the animal/insect kingdom, would we want to possess equal personhood with you? We are much more focused on functional behavior because our cravings are not infinite. We know when to feed and when to stop eating. We know when we have to mate and when we have other pressing things to do. You’ll find us ever more predictable as you find out more details about our lives. We like regularity, even being regular in the way we respond to the unpredictable, such as the way our flying flocks of birds respond, during thousands of miles of migration, to powerful storms that would upend your largest aircrafts.

  If you respect the wild animals, they will take care of themselves. The domesticates whom you eat—chickens, turkeys, cattle, pigs, sheep, lambs, goats, and so forth—you will keep as your slaves for slaughter. As for your pets, I’ve had my say. Keep them as what you own or, as some of you say, as your guardians, for another status will jeopardize them.”