From Dust

by Freya Barker

  I grind my jaw, trying to keep a lock on the sudden rush of fury I feel. Something Viv said earlier nags at me. “Did you notice anything?”

  Viv shakes her head. “Other than that she looked exhausted, she was fine.”

  “How long ago did you say it was she came up?”

  “Maybe a little over an hour? Why?”

  “Because I wonder if she overheard Denise and I talking. Unless she heard it out to the end, it would’ve sounded pretty damning. Fuck!” With one swipe of my arm, the coffeemaker goes flying off the counter and crashes onto the tiles on the floor. My instinct is to run out and try to find her on foot, but I have no idea where she would’ve gone. Her shed is gone and I doubt she would stick around the wharf, thinking I accused her of stealing booze. What a clusterfuck. The pub short not one, but two staff members, my kids downstairs in the care of Dino, and the little bird who started worming her way under my skin out on the streets with nothing but the clothes on her back and no money.

  I pull out my phone and call Tim.

  “Kitchen’s closed. I’ll take over the bar, you go home to your kids.” Viv slides in behind the bar with me and tries to shove me out.

  Mrs. Danzel’s able to pick up the kids earlier and promised to feed them. Dex had bought the story that Syd had to leave suddenly on a family emergency, but Emmy was looking at me, unconvinced. Even when they walk out the door to Mrs. Danzel’s car, she stops and turns. “Daddy? You promise she’ll come back?” The tears shimmering in her eyes has me grab her by the neck and pulling her to my chest.

  “I’ll try to make sure she does, girl.” Fuck. There isn’t much else for me to say and it’s tearing me up. After seeing them off, I head in where I catch Dino suggesting to Viv, to check the local shelters.

  “You think she went to a shelter?” I ask him.

  He shrugs his shoulders. “Might’ve. It’s still cold during the night and she doesn’t have that roof over her head anymore. If I found myself on the street suddenly, I’d probably head to a shelter while trying to sort myself out.”

  Half an hour later, Tim, along with a couple of our teammates, Paul and Frankie, come in. Tim’s brother is a cop, which is why I called him. There wouldn’t be anything they could do, but I’m hoping Tim will be able to convince his brother to keep an eye out for her when patrolling. Frankie would occasionally help out in the pub during the busier summer months, and was willing to jump in. I guess he brought Paul since at some point in time years ago, he was on the streets for a while, here in Portland.

  Viv takes Tim up front where the patrons are starting to fill the tables and the rest of us sit at the kitchen table where Dino can listen in.

  “So, what if she doesn’t wanna be found?” Tim offers.

  “Look. The woman is haunted already by something in her past she’s unable to open up about with any of us. I don’t want to add to her load, but I can’t have her believe I think for one minute that she took the booze.” I put my hands behind my neck and try to stretch out the tension. “If she decides she still wants to be gone after she finds out we never suspected her, then...” I hesitate and Tim looks at me with his eyebrows raised. “Then I guess I’ll just have to let her go.”

  “What exactly does she mean to you, boss?” Dino asks from behind me, so I turn around to face him.

  “What are you talking about?” I challenge him, but he just looks at me as he always does, cool as a cucumber.

  “Just saying, but unless she means something, might be best to just leave her be?”

  He pisses me off and still I find myself answering.

  “Something ... Nothing ... I don’t know. I just can’t stand the idea of her out there based on a misunderstanding, thinking we didn’t trust her. Fuck, that I didn’t trust her.”

  She had charmed all the guys last night. After the shaky first introduction, she’d hung in like a trooper, gifting those she brought food for with one of her rare little smiles. Tim didn’t hesitate for one second in offering to drum up some help after contacting his brother.

  “Mike said he’d ask around after shift tonight to see if anyone’s seen her. In the meantime, Paul and I are gonna do some driving around.”

  That was five hours ago. It’s dark outside now and the dinner rush is mostly over, except for one last table and the regular Friday night bar crowd. We no longer need everyone on the floor, which is why I’m actually considering Viv’s offer.

  Just as I’m about to tell her so, the door opens and Tim and Paul come through. Tim waves and indicates they’ll take the round table in the window and sticks up two fingers for beers. Viv sees it too and is already filling a pitcher with draft.

  “Go,” she says, pushing the pitcher and some glasses in my hand, “but come tell me quick, okay?” Viv’s been as worried and preoccupied as I have, but we have a pub and grub to manage on a busy Friday night. Still, the guilt of not being out there, looking, is killing me. The thought of that little bird out there by herself...

  “You may wanna sit down,” Tim starts.

  “Was planning to,” I snap and brace for the bad news that seems inevitable. “What’ve you got?”

  “Well, we did a drive and in some cases, a walk around most of the wharves. Stopped at some spots Paul pegged as ‘regular’ hangouts, but came up empty. No sign, no word, and not a glimpse. Some of the guys on the street knew who she was from the physical description we gave them, but said they hadn’t seen her in a long time.” Tim stops for a breath and Paul jumps in.

  “We stopped at the homeless shelters last, figuring she may have headed to one of those, but she’s not at any of them, either. Last place we were at though, one of the volunteers told us about a women’s only shelter on Preble street, but she said we wouldn’t be able to get in. Security is tight for the protection of the residents since a lot of them are escaping violence at home. She wasn’t sure if they’d take on homeless women, but might be worth the try.”

  “I’ll go.” Viv comes up from behind me and slides some nachos and dip on the table in front of the guys. “You’re talking about Florence House, right?” She asks Paul who nods. “I know someone who works there. If she’s there, I can find out ... maybe talk to her? But it won’t be tonight ‘cause they’ve got a ten o’clock curfew. Place goes on lockdown and won’t open until tomorrow.” She walks off without looking at any of us as we stare after her. They’re probably wondering how she’s so familiar with the place. I’ve got a good idea, although she’d never told me things had gone that far.

  “Well, thanks guys—for tonight. Appreciate it. Drinks on the house, yeah?” Both lift their glasses in salute. “I’ll check in with you tomorrow, Tim.” At his nod, I make my way over to the bar where Viv is rinsing glasses.

  “Why didn’t you come to me?” is the first thing out of my mouth. It comes out sounding angry and causes her to whip around with an irritated look on her face.

  “Seriously? He went nuts for a while there, Gunnar. I wasn’t gonna crawl back to my family so they could see how low I’d sunk. Besides, if I’d have shown up at any of your places, it would’ve just put a target on your backs.”

  I’m still angry when she walks up and slides her arms around my waist and I can’t help but hug her back. “It was good in a way, you know? Hitting rock bottom like that? At least the climbing out under my own steam was. It’s what needed to happen then. You or my brothers would’ve swept in and rescued me and then my self-confidence would never have recovered.”

  I hate it, but she’s absolutely right. Any one of her brothers or I would’ve known at the time, no doubt we’d have stepped in and taken over. We’d also likely to have ended up in jail, ‘cause the miserable fuck would’ve been beaten to a pulp. “Where is he now?” I mumble in her hair and I feel her shoulders shaking under my arms.

  “What?” I lean back and see the teasing sparkle in her eyes as she laughs out loud. “Wanna go beat him up now? After all these years? He’s long gone, Gunnar, and such an insignificant part o
f my life in hindsight, he’s not even worth mentioning.” She smiles at me and I can’t help but smile back. She’s a pretty kick-ass woman, my Vivian, and would’ve made a perfect girlfriend or wife if I could see her as anything other than a sister. Never happen.

  Pushing against my chest, she wiggles out of my grip. “Move, freak. I have drinks to pour.”

  “Sure?” I can’t help asking.

  “Positive, now go home to the kids. Tomorrow we see if we can find your girl,” she says, a mischievous gleam in her eyes.

  “My girl, huh?”

  “Sure are behaving like it,” she returns. I just shake my head and take off for home ... to my kids.

  Syd

  A soft knock on the door wakes me to a room full of bright sunshine. Disoriented, I look at my blue watch, which shows it’s almost eleven in the morning, before my eyes take in my surroundings. Holy crap. It takes me a minute to recognize I’m at the Florence House. I remember being exhausted and spilling my guts to Pam yesterday afternoon and her showing me my room. That was almost sixteen hours ago. Sixteen fucking hours of sleep. I don’t think I’ve ever managed to do that, not even as a teenager. There were no dreams though, at least none I can remember.

  Another knock, this one a bit louder. Looking down, I see I’m still dressed as I was yesterday, so I call out. “Come in!” Fully expecting Pam to walk in, I’m shocked to see Viv standing in the doorway.

  “There you are,” she smiles with suspiciously shiny eyes.

  “Viv? What—”

  A few big steps and she plops down right beside me on the bed, pulling me into a hug.

  I’m at a loss. I’m confused as hell to see her here. A glance over her shoulder shows Pam softly pulling the door shut after throwing me a little wink. What the hell?

  “You took off.” Viv pushes me back a little and looks at me sternly. “You didn’t stay, didn’t ask, you just took off. We’ve been so worried about you.”

  I shake my head to clear it because this is not making any sense to me. “You don’t understand, Gunnar—“

  “Stop. Gunnar has been out of his mind. He’s had his buddies roaming the streets for you last night. Worried sick, he is.”

  Convinced I’m going crazy—or she is— I jump out of bed on the other side and start pacing. “I heard him. He thinks I took things from him. Bottles. I heard them talking about it.” I know I’m rambling a bit, but I can’t stop.

  “Syd, look at me,” Viv urges, leaning forward on the bed. “He didn’t ... he doesn’t. No one did. Not someone who has a hard time accepting even the smallest of kind gestures. We knew that person couldn’t have turned around and taken from the stockroom. What you heard was Gunnar playing along with Denise to get to the bottom of what she was up to. It was her.”

  I shake my head again, trying to take it in. “But why? Why would she do that?”

  “Jealousy would be my guess. For the two years she’d been working at The Skipper, she tried to get into Gunnar’s pants. She tried some stuff with me early on until she figured Gunnar and I are more like siblings than lovers. Didn’t mean dick to Gunnar either way, he’s done with manipulating bitches and can smell them a mile away. She never had a chance, but when you came along and Gunnar had you looking after his kids right off the bat—something he’d never trusted her enough to do, by the way—I think she saw you as a threat, so she tried to pin something on you. I guess she figured because we don’t know much about your background, we’d fall for it.” She stands up and comes around the bed to grab me by my shoulders. Dipping her head down, she looks me straight in the eyes. “It never would’ve worked, Syd. You may keep your secrets close to your chest, but you’re not that person. I know it, and Gunnar knows it.”

  “No. No, no , no,” I shake my head violently, pulling out of her grip. “You don’t know, Viv. You have no idea the things I’ve done.” I can’t listen to her saying these things to me. I’m not a good person. I’ve done nothing to deserve this. “I’m an alcoholic.” I stand up as straight, as much as the churning of my stomach allows, waiting for her reaction to my words.

  Without flinching, she folds her arms and tilts her head. “How long since you’ve had your last?”

  My mouth falls open. She should be disgusted with me; angry or disappointed at least, but instead she immediately concludes I no longer drink. “A year I think...” I mutter, still staring at her as if I see water burning.

  “And it hasn’t been hard for you? Working around it all the time?”

  Taken aback by the question, I take a minute to consider. Had I been tempted? Not that I could recall. In fact, the thought of drinking alcohol now kinda makes me sick, so I shake my head no. “Really, I haven’t. I ... I don’t even really like it. It just kept me numb.” When I see new questions in Viv’s eyes, I add, “For a very long time, I needed not to feel. I wanted to forget.”

  “And now?” she pushes in a gentle voice.

  “Now? Now I just look forward, trying to forget what’s behind.”

  “Good. Then let’s skip this joint and take you home.” She grabs my pack by the side of the bed, takes my hand and pulls me to the door.

  Pam stands waiting on the other side and hugs first Viv, telling her it’s good to see her again. Again? Next she pulls me in for a hug also. “I’d like you to come back and visit. We can talk some more?”

  I’m surprised by the invitation, but ever more so by Viv’s contribution. “Pam is good. She’s been my counselor for over five years now,” she smiles encouragingly.

  “Oh.” That’s all I can think of to say. Luckily, it makes her chuckle.

  “Remember that bad relationship I got out of?” When I nod, she continues. “I ended up here for a few months, trying to get out. Pam was instrumental in building me back up to where I could face the outside world. She still keeps me sane, except now we call it ‘maintenance.’” She laughs and Pam joins in.

  “Okay,” I say to Pam, “I think I’d like that.”

  “Good.” Pam smiles at me before Viv pulls me out the door. “Let’s go, we’ve got a lunch crowd needing to be fed.”

  That makes me giggle, and it feels good.

  It really does feel like coming home when I walk in the back door. The smell already so familiar.

  “Why don’t you run upstairs and freshen up. Your clothes are where you left them on the bed, so come down when you can.”

  “Okay.”

  With a spring in my step that was definitely not there yesterday, I make my way to my apartment.

  First thing I grab is the toothbrush still perched on top of the pile of clothes and I rush in the bathroom to brush my teeth.

  I’m barely done wiping my mouth on the towel when heavy footsteps come pounding up the stairs. A bit apprehensive, I walk into the living room, just as the door slams open and Gunnar comes in. Without even stopping, he reaches me in three steps, never looking away from my eyes. When he grabs my shoulders and gives me a little shake, I figure I should probably be scared, but I’m not. I can feel the anger radiating off him but all I can see in his eyes is worry and something else I can’t explain.

  “Fucking took ten years off my life, Syd,” he growls, sounding out of breath. “Don’t ever do that shit again.” With a swift yank on my arms, I find myself enveloped, my face against his chest and his arms wrapped around me tightly. His face is pressing in my hair and I swear he’s inhaling my scent. “Can’t figure how you’d believe I’d think you responsible for something like that. Jesus,” he mumbles in my hair. I suspect he says it more to himself than to me, but I slip my arms around his waist and give him a squeeze.

  “I’m an alc—“ I don’t get a chance to finish before he lifts me up off the floor, sits me on the counter and grabs my face in his hands. The green of his eyes is so dark, I can barely see where the pupil ends. For a moment, he just stares at me before his eyes slide down to my mouth. I know what’s coming and even though I don’t deserve it, I can’t help but lean in, craving the moment his
mouth takes mine. He stops just before our lips meet.

  “Fuck it.” Is what I hear before I become deaf to everything but the blood rushing in my veins as his lips slide over mine, his slick tongue demanding entry. Oh God, the sensation. My mouth opens on a groan and his tongue boldly claims the space, stroking my far more hesitant one with alternating strong strokes and teasing licks. With his mouth plastered to mine, he pulls me to the edge of the counter. Wedging himself between my legs, I instinctively wrap them around the backs of his thighs. My restless hands roam over his broad back and up his shoulders, and I whimper when he pulls his mouth away, leaving his forehead resting against mine and panting hard.

  “We’ve got customers,” he whispers.

  “I’m so—“ His lips cut me off with another hard kiss.

  “We’ll talk later, little bird. We’ve got people to feed.”

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Syd

  “You okay?”

  Viv is standing at the counter, smiling a little secret smile as she watches me walk in. “Fine.” I manage, trying to ignore the blush that is making it’s way up from my chest. I can feel it gain ground.

  “Okay, we’ll leave it at that for now,” she says, turning her attention to the oil in the fryer, but not losing her smile. Without saying anything else, I grab my favorite chef’s knife and start chopping the vegetables she’s already washed and let my mind wander.

  Even in my best years, I haven’t experienced anything as exhilarating as when I saw the intensity in Gunnar’s eyes focused on me. A bit surreal that just as I squelched the persistent ember of attraction when I overheard him yesterday, he manages to whip it into a fired frenzy at the first touch. The promise we would talk later, only partially succeeded in cooling the flames. I don’t understand how it is I’m affecting him. Nothing he sees or knows about me is remotely appealing. Perhaps it’s because of the kids.