Stage 12
Page 22
*****
Opening
William is sitting gloomy and unnoticed against a boulder, far up left and facing off-stage. Ron is lying asleep upstage, head on a small haversack. Alan and Louise are sitting on a log; Ken, Sally, Val, Pam and Gareth stand nearby, all utterly bored or frustrated. Enid, Owen, Helen, Tanya, Derek and Ian are in the wings; where not explicitly mentioned, they may drift aimlessly in and out, or loiter, sitting or standing, depending on the capacity of the stage to accommodate them conveniently; when visible but not involved in the action they may chat inconspicuously among themselves. Belongings suited to a day's excursion are scattered around.
After perhaps half a minute ...
ALAN (rousing himself from torpor) For heaven's sake - how much longer are we going to be stuck here?
LOUISE Don't be impatient. Getting in a frazzle won't make it any less.
ALAN All right, I was only asking.
LOUISE But since none of us knows the answer, it wasn't a real question - just a grouse.
ALAN Trust you to be pedantic.
KEN It really is a bit thick, though - just leaving us here and expecting us to wait.
SALLY You should be used to it, with all the time you've spent in airports.
KEN But there at least you know what you're waiting for. And there's usually something to relieve the boredom - even if it's only reading the papers or going through the duty-free.
SALLY And some sort of attempt at explanation.
ALAN If you're lucky.
SALLY Well, this was supposed to be a mystery tour, after all.
KEN Except that we don't seem to be touring.
ALAN It's altogether too much of a mystery for my liking.
VAL I do hope it won't be too long. I've still to make Dad's supper when we get back.
PAM Is there much to do?
VAL Not an awful lot. There should have been plenty of time - he doesn't get home till about eight. But something seems to have gone wrong.
ALAN Badly. This can't be deliberate.
PAM No, the company wouldn't keep people hanging about like this intentionally.
KEN It would soon go bust if it did.
ALAN I shall certainly complain when we do get back.
GARETH Assuming you can find someone to complain to. I never have.
PAM They can probably see you coming.
GARETH (bridling) What are you getting at?
PAM Nothing. No need to get shirty.
GARETH All very well for you. You seem to take anything in your stride.
PAM Working yourself up about things doesn't help.
GARETH It's a matter of principle. You shouldn't let people walk all over you.
PAM I don't.
GARETH Or treat you like dirt - that lout in the ticket office had no manners at all.
PAM Oh, come on - be fair on the lad ...
GARETH How was I unfair?
PAM You know very well they aren't taught to show respect these days - you've said so yourself often enough. And where no offence is intended, why take it?
GARETH You mean I do?
PAM It has been known.
GARETH Such as when?
PAM Well, if you want a list ...
SALLY Does it really help the situation to go on like this?
PAM What? Oh - probably not. You're right. Sorry, Gareth.
GARETH But you don't seem to understand that if you let people get away with bad service, it'll just ... Oh, what the hell! Sorry – I didn't mean to take it out on you, old girl.
VAL I do wish something would happen.
KEN What, in particular?
VAL Anything to get us out of here and on our way. I'm getting worried.
ALAN How long have we been here, actually? My watch must have stopped.
VAL Well, I didn't notice when we got here, but I make it five past four now.
ALAN So do I, near enough. But it seems a lot longer than that since the last stop.
SALLY Time does drag when you're waiting.
KEN Especially when you don't know what for.
SALLY This is where we came in. Let's not keep going round in circles!
Pause.
SALLY (glancing off right) Oh, look, someone's coming this way.
GARETH And about time, too. Let's hope it's to some purpose.
ALAN I shouldn't bank on it, if I were you.
LOUISE Grousing again?
ALAN Just being realistic. Raising false hopes only makes matters worse.
SALLY Why not look on the bright side just for once?
ALAN Expect nothing, and you won't be disappointed.
LOUISE Sometimes I think you'd be disappointed if things did go right.
SALLY Now don't start that again!
Charlie enters right, then stops, looking rather startled.
CHARLIE Blimey, they didn't tell me it was a bus load.
GARETH Who didn't?
CHARLIE Whoever it was on the blower. Just said I had to pick up some passengers.
ALAN You weren't expecting us, then?
CHARLIE Not you in particular.
KEN What do you mean?
CHARLIE I'm on standby. I never know when I may be needed - it can be any time. Sometimes I get a bit of warning, more often I don't.
LOUISE And we arrived out of the blue, did we?
CHARLIE That's right.
ALAN Typical!
LOUISE Anyway, thank goodness you've come. We were wondering what had happened.
CHARLIE Aye, I can believe it.
The group starts to gather belongings.
CHARLIE Oh, I don't want to worry you, but ...
GARETH But what?
CHARLIE You needn't all be in too much of a hurry. I can only take four at a time.
ALAN What!!!!?
CHARLIE I said I can only take four at a time.
ALAN Yes, I know. But this is ridiculous!
GARETH I shall really complain about this – it's altogether too bad.
CHARLIE You can complain as much as you like. It won't make any difference.
ALAN But that means ... (looking around and counting, including those off-stage or temporarily absent) ... five journeys. How long does it take?
CHARLIE Not long. About ten minutes the round trip.
GARETH That still makes the best part of an hour. And we've been waiting goodness knows how long already.
CHARLIE Sorry, mate, but there's nothing I can do about it.
ALAN Couldn't you squeeze an extra one in? That would make one journey less.
CHARLIE Sorry, can't be done.
KEN If it's just a matter of regulations ... I know the authorities have gone mad on safety, but the water's calm enough.
CHARLIE 'Tisn't that, mate. Can't get any more in.
GARETH Then they should have arranged for a bigger boat.
CHARLIE Who should?
GARETH Whoever's running this ... fiasco.
Ian quietly joins the group.
CHARLIE Maybe they should. Not for me to say. But mine's the only boat we have.
SALLY It looks as though Val was right - only things have gone wrong a lot worse than any of us thought.
GARETH Yes, very badly indeed.
ALAN What did I tell you?
LOUISE I know it was supposed to be a mystery tour, but the plan couldn't really have involved swapping a bus for a boat, could it?
KEN I shouldn't think so. Too complicated, for one thing.
ALAN More to the point, too expensive.
GARETH Well, however it was supposed to be set up, someone's made a right pig's ear of it.
VAL It does look like that.
GARETH It makes me furious, the sloppy way things are done these days. No efficiency anywhere. We ought to put in a really stiff complaint when we get back.
SALLY I dare say you're right, but going on about it just now doesn't hel
p.
GARETH It helps me to let off a bit of steam.
PAM Actually, I don't think it does. It just seems to stoke up the pressure.
LOUISE You want to watch it - if you keep at it, you're liable to give yourself ulcers -
PAM He already has.
LOUISE - or a stroke. I've seen it happen.
CHARLIE Look here, I don't want to break up your argument just when you're enjoying it, but if you're going to get across before doomsday hadn't you better decide who's taking the first trip?
IAN Thank goodness someone has a bit of sense here!
GARETH What the blazes ... Who the devil asked your opinion?
PAM Gareth! Remember … ulcers! Anyway, now we have the chance to do something constructive at last , hadn't we better do it?
SALLY Well said. Val seems to be the only one with a real reason for hurrying, so I think she should be one of the first.
VAL Thank you - that's very kind.
KEN (aside, to Sally) Will it make any difference for her?
SALLY (aside, to Ken) Probably not, in substance, but it may make her feel better.
IAN And for the others?
LOUISE It hardly matters, does it? Whoever goes will still have to wait for the others at the other side - for as long as it takes.
KEN Assuming whoever's in charge is keeping the party together, yes. (To Charlie) Do you know if that's right?
CHARLIE No idea. I just take you across the river. What happens after's none of my business.
KEN It seems reasonable to suppose so, anyway.
IAN So if ... what's your name, ferryman, if you don't mind my asking?
CHARLIE Folks mostly call me Charlie.
IAN Then I suggest Charlie simply grabs the three nearest. Any objections?
KEN Fair enough by me.
Everyone else nods.
CHARLIE Right-oh. So - you, you and you. (He indicates Alan, Louise, and Ken)
KEN Oh Sally - er - do you mind?
SALLY No, go ahead. I dare say I'll survive an hour without you.
KEN It shouldn't be that long. See you, then …
Charlie and the four passengers exit right.
GARETH Well, that's something happening, at any rate.
PAM Careful - that sounds dangerously like a touch of optimism.
GARETH All right, all right ... No need for sarcasm.
Ron awakes with a start and a snort.
RON Uh - what's going on?
ENID Oh, so you've woken up at last, have you?
RON (yawning) More or less. Pity - I was having rather a nice dream.
IAN Care to tell us what about?
RON Better not - not with Enid listening!
IAN It might provide a bit of welcome entertainment - if you can remember enough of it.
ENID The time you spend asleep, anyone would think you'd been slaving all night.
RON Don't start that again, for goodness' sake. This morning was quite enough.
ENID It's positively embarrassing, the way you drop off all over the place.
RON Don't exaggerate. It isn't all over the place.
ENID All right, just where it's most annoying.
RON In any case, it's perfectly normal to doze on a coach journey.
ENID Not when you're supposed to be enjoying the scenery.
RON For some reason, that's usually when I'm sleepiest. Or when a guide's giving the usual spiel. (Looking around) Anyway, I shouldn't have said this was much to write home about.
SALLY It does seem we shouldn't really be here at all.
ENID (becoming progressively more agitated) And I don't suppose you realised where we were back there.
RON How could I, if I was asleep?
ENID You were still more or less conscious then.
RON So where was it?
ENID It was ... (she has difficulty in continuing)
RON Where?
ENID The very spot where ... where Jenny ...
She is overcome with remembered grief and collapses in tears. Ron tries half-heartedly to comfort her, and Helen crosses to them. Owen hovers anxiously.
HELEN (solicitously) What's the matter? Is she all right?
RON Not ill, if that's what you mean. Not physically, at any rate.
HELEN I don't mean to poke my nose in if ...
RON Of course not. It didn't occur to me. It's just very unfortunate …
OWEN What is ?
RON It seems we came past the place where our daughter was killed last year.
HELEN Oh dear ... What a dreadful coincidence. No wonder she's upset.
OWEN A road accident?
RON Yes. She was out for a spin with her boy friend. A fairly regular week-end event, never any problem before ...
ENID (recovering a little) That was only good luck. I warned you …
RON Well, it's true they were always a bit slap-dash over some things - using safety belts, for instance – especially after a canoodle, I imagine. Not that those would have helped much that last time, I imagine.
ENID You should never have let her go out in that car of his.
RON You don't suppose for a moment that I could have stopped her, do you?
ENID Speed mad, he was. And you knew it.
RON Now be fair. He drove fast, yes, but I wouldn't have said dangerously. Unless she egged him on, of course.
ENID You've no reason to blame her!
RON Well, knowing her, I don't suppose it was all his fault.
ENID (sarcastically) Oh, no?
RON Ninety percent, perhaps, but not all. She hated dawdling - and that meant anything under sixty. And she could be very persuasive.
ENID She could twist you round her little finger, anyway.
RON I know. That's the point I was trying to make.
ENID But that day you said yourself that his tyres looked a bit dodgy. You should really have put your foot down.
RON A fat lot of good that would have done.
OWEN (sympathetically) Daughters can be difficult, can't they?
HELEN So can sons. Look at the trouble we had with Jack.
OWEN He was at the difficult age.
HELEN I dare say, but with most kids it doesn't last for twenty-odd years!
OWEN Well, he settled down eventually.
HELEN It took the Stanley's daughter to settle him.
OWEN I'm not saying daughters don't have their uses ...
TANYA (joining the group) Excuse me for butting in - I couldn't help hearing. Could that have been Margaret Stanley from Castleton way?
HELEN Why, yes - do you know her?
TANYA Slightly. Her mother married my widowed uncle.
HELEN I hadn't heard about that. Still, we don't see them all that often.
TANYA It wasn't so long ago. Carrie said she needed some provision for old age, now Margaret was gone.
OWEN Not exactly the romance of the century, then.
TANYA Oh, I think they're fond enough of each other. She was probably joking - it would be her style. For long enough she complained half-seriously of wondering how she was going to get Margaret off her hands.
HELEN Some people are never satisfied, however things turn out.
RON She should have given the girl a subscription to a dating agency.
TANYA I've an idea Margaret might have tried something of the sort herself, from one or two odd things she said. It evidently came to nothing, though.
RON Too choosy?
TANYA Maybe. People said she was always rather particular.
OWEN Well, if that's a fault, it's in the right direction. Saves a lot of trouble.
HELEN You can take it too far, though. No one's perfect.
RON And you can get to the point where it doesn't seem worth the bother any more. After all ...
ENID (sharply) Yes?
RON (realising he has nearly put his foot in it) Oh, nothing.
> HELEN (hastily interposing) Did you have any particular reason for asking about her?
TANYA Yes – I was turning out a cupboard the other day and found a book belonging to her. I'd forgotten I'd borrowed it …
RON Sounds a familiar story.
HELEN Except that it's usually the owner wondering who's got it.
TANYA … and I wondered if you had her address.
HELEN Not with me, but … Oh dear, here comes trouble.
Betty, a thoroughly disagreeable semi-invalid, enters supported by Mark. He retains a trace of his original affection for her but while mechanically dutiful has long since abandoned any pretence of patience with her moods. She is evidently indulging in an all-too-familiar kind of tirade. With some difficulty he seats her on one of the logs.
BETTY ... to leave me out there for so long. You might have had some consideration.
MARK You didn't expect me to stand there watching, did you?
BETTY You could have stayed within calling distance instead of wandering off to goodness knows where. Anything might have happened to me.
MARK What sort of thing?
BETTY Oh ... anything.
MARK Some hope. I should have left you in a patch of nettles - then you'd really have had something to moan about.
BETTY If you'd found one you probably would.
NELL (entering) Oh, there you are ...
BETTY Yes, no thanks to you. You disappeared fast enough!
NELL You didn't seem to need me.
BETTY I might have done.
MARK Do you have to keep nagging her?
BETTY She's supposed to be helping, not dashing off on any notion that takes her fancy.
NELL I thought I saw the wallet that Derek had dropped. You know very well how worried he was about it.
BETTY I might have guessed - anything in trousers. But go on, follow your own concerns - don't let my depending on you make any difference.
MARK What time can she have for any other concerns? You know darned well that she spends practically her whole life dealing with your whims and complaints.
BETTY But that's exactly ...
MARK One of these days she'll probably tell you what to do with the whole stupid lot of them - and I shan't blame her. Nor would anyone else who knows you.
NELL Mark, please ...
BETTY (tearfully) You don't seem to realise ...
MARK (resignedly) Oh, now here come the waterworks again ...
NELL Mark, for goodness' sake! Do you have to keep tearing each other to bits?
MARK My word! The worm has turned. And about time too. Sorry, Nell; I'm not making things any easier for you, am I?
NELL I'm afraid not. I know you don't mean it ...
IAN (peering into the distance) I think the ferry's coming back.
GARETH And about time, too.
IAN He'll be a little while yet, but shouldn't we be deciding who takes the next trip?
BETTY We should insist - this is no place for an invalid.
MARK We don't know that it's any better over there.
BETTY Trust you to look on the black side.
MARK Well, I suppose we can at least stop your annoying everyone else here.
IAN (calling) Anyone object if Betty, Mark and Nell go across next?
There is a subdued chorus of assent.
GARETH And as it was your suggestion, you may as well make up the four.
IAN If everyone's happy with that ...? Okay.
Mark moves to help Betty up, and impulsively plants a kiss on the back of her neck. She looks up, startled, and almost smiles; of the others, only Helen notices. Ian helps on the other side and the four exit slowly right.
RON (gazing after them) Thank goodness. Dreadful woman!
HELEN You think so?
RON It seems obvious.
HELEN You don't know the story, do you?
RON No. Should I? And would it make any difference?
HELEN No reason you should have heard it. But it might help you to understand.
RON Hmm. You do know, I gather.
HELEN Some of it, at least. We were neighbours for a while.
RON Fire away, then. It'll pass a bit of time. We aren't exactly short of it.
HELEN Well, there isn't all that much to tell. She used to be a very promising athlete. Track events, mainly, but she was apparently quite impressive on javelin, too. I don't know that she had any Olympic ambitions, though you can never be sure, but I gathered from Mark that it might not have been out of the question. She was certainly up to a good county standard.
RON Who'd have thought it? So what happened?
HELEN First a knee injury, when a hit-and-run driver knocked her off her bicycle, then arthritis. It's got worse over the years. But she still remembers the glory days. Memory's about all she has left, now.
RON Ah. I see your point. It might be better if she didn't. No wonder she's bitter.
HELEN She has a passable excuse, anyway.
RON You'd think Mark would be a bit more sympathetic - make allowances, in the circumstances.
HELEN He did, at first. Rather too many.
RON How could that be?
HELEN He tried to do everything for her - and she let him, naturally enough.
RON But seems to have gone to the other extreme now.
HELEN Don't jump to conclusions. Appearances can be deceptive. He makes sure she has everything she needs. And a good deal more.
RON Except love. The nastiness seems genuine enough.
HELEN You didn't notice that final touch of affection, did you?
RON I didn't see anything of the sort.
HELEN It was very discreet.
RON It must have been. Are you sure you didn't imagine it?
HELEN No chance. (Musing) I think on the whole he may have judged it just about right - looking after the physical needs, but needling her enough to rouse her spirit - make sure she doesn't simply sink into apathy or self-pity.
RON So you think it's a deliberate strategy, then?
HELEN I'm not sure - I'm no mind-reader. But it looks like it. He's no fool. And he's a thoroughly decent character. I've a great admiration for him.
OWEN (joining them) Oh, yes? I can see I'll have to look to my laurels.
HELEN (snapping out of her reverie) It wouldn't do any harm!
She wanders away to find a seat. Tanya, looking into the forest, suddenly screams.
DEREK What on earth ...?
TANYA (pointing) Over there - in the trees. (He looks baffled) Don't you see it?
DEREK See what?
TANYA A horrible black shape.
DEREK I can't see anything - only ordinary shadows.
TANYA It's gone now ...
DEREK Are you sure it wasn't imagination? Shadows moving in a gust of wind?
SALLY I didn't feel any breeze.
DEREK There could have been some in the tree-tops.
OWEN (wandering across to them) What's up?
DEREK Tanya thought she saw something nasty in the wood.
OWEN What sort of something?
TANYA Almost human, but distorted - rather like a gargoyle.
She feels a sudden chill, and sits down clutching her arms about her.
OWEN Don't say my mother-in-law's turned up!
DEREK Be serious. Tanya's really scared.
OWEN Sorry. Did anyone else see it?
SALLY I got a vague glimpse ...
OWEN There haven't been any escapes from a zoo or anything, have there?
DEREK Not that I've heard of. And anyway, there aren't any zoos around here.
OWEN That's a point. Does anyone know where we are exactly? I lost track a while back.
DEREK So did I. But I think Ron said something about passing a spot he knew. (Calling) Ron!
RON (crossing to him) Yes?
DEREK Can you tell us where we are? Roughly.
R
ON Sorry, I haven't a clue.
DEREK But I thought ...
RON Enid thought she recognised something, but goodness knows how far back that was. Even if she was right. This is nothing like it - or anywhere around there.
TANYA Derek ...
DEREK Yes? Oh, are you cold? Take my jacket ...
TANYA No, it's not that. There's something I've got to talk to you about.
DEREK What have I done?
TANYA It's nothing like that. But can we go somewhere a bit more private?
DEREK (mystified) All right.
They exit left together. Ron returns to Enid.
OWEN I wonder what all that's about.
SALLY Best not ask. Nothing to do with us.
OWEN I shouldn't dream of asking. But I can't help wondering. Do you think she's all right?
SALLY I'm not sure. She seemed to have a touch of shock.
OWEN From the fright?
SALLY Maybe. But I think there was probably something more behind it.
OWEN Hmm ... But as you say, it's none of our business, anyway.
SALLY I think, though, we should keep an eye on her, just in case. "My brother's keeper" and all that.
OWEN Are you a medic?
SALLY I did a spell of nursing, once. It seems a long time ago now.
OWEN I suppose it comes back to you when the need arises.
SALLY Enough to help. Maybe not to help as much as someone more up-to-date could.
OWEN What made you give it up?
SALLY Well, I met Ken, and he was working shifts for a time. We never seemed to see each other except for passing on the doorstep. Then the first of the kids came along ...
OWEN Not conceived on the doorstep, I hope?
SALLY (laughing) Now that would really have given the neighbours something to talk about! Might have done some of them good, actually.
OWEN A stuffy lot?
SALLY Some were. Very self-consciously respectable. You know the kind.
OWEN That usually means they've something to hide.
SALLY We had some fun speculating. They were so painfully proper.
OWEN Plenty of people think we've gone too far the other way.
SALLY They could be right, too.
OWEN Anyway - your neighbours ...
SALLY Oh, they were good-hearted enough, for the most part. We were lucky on the whole, that way.
OWEN On the whole?
SALLY Well, there was one couple. Particularly strait-laced. Strict chapel – at least twice on Sundays, and goodness knows what else ... but if anyone -
HELEN (approaching them) I'm sorry to interrupt, but ...
SALLY It's quite all right. I'm afraid I was just about to be rather catty.
Enid quietly exits left.
HELEN The boat should be back soon. Could we be sorting out who goes next?
SALLY Good idea. Who have we got now?
HELEN Apart from ourselves - Pam and Gareth, Enid and Ron, Tanya and Derek - Oh, where have they gone?
OWEN Tanya wanted to discuss something in private. It seemed rather ominous.
HELEN Best leave them for now, then. Shall I suggest the other four?
OWEN Seems as good as anything.
HELEN Right.
She goes to consult them; Gareth explains quietly that there is some difficulty. Helen returns.
HELEN Enid's had to go off into the wood - she may be a little while ...
OWEN Drat! So ...
Tanya and Derek enter left in earnest conversation.
DEREK ... but it doesn't matter. Whatever you did or didn't do, it's over and done with. It's best to bury it. You've amply made up for it since.
TANYA Are you sure?
DEREK Of course I'm sure. You've been a real treasure.
TANYA It's such a relief! I've been worried sick at times ... in case ...
HELEN (crossing to them) Excuse my interrupting - this is getting to be a habit! - but would you two like to go with Pam and Gareth on the next crossing?
DEREK Oh ... (glancing at Tanya, who nods) Well, if that suits everyone else, why not?
Helen signals thumbs-up to the others; the four gather their belongings and exit right.
HELEN That leaves five - pity we can't fit one extra in.
OWEN Charlie was adamant about it. Though I don't like the idea of leaving one behind for the last trip.
SALLY No need. I'm sure Charlie will be quite as happy to take three and two as four and one.
OWEN Of course. Silly of me.
Ron ambles across to join them. Gareth and Pam are quietly arguing.
RON What was that old ditty about green bottles accidentally falling off a wall?
SALLY You're not suggesting a sing-song, are you?
RON It doesn't seem quite appropriate for this company, does it? Somehow I can't see you in a coach-load of football supporters.
SALLY I imagine they'd be singing something a lot less innocent. Is Enid all right?
RON More or less. She had a touch of road sickness - maybe something else as well. I thought she'd got over it, but it's come back again.
SALLY Something else, you say?
RON I warned her about the seafood cocktail at lunch. She's a bit sensitive to that sort of thing.
OWEN She didn't take the warning?
RON She probably ignored it on principle. I should have known better - encouraged her to eat it. That would have stopped her.
OWEN It gives you a bit of peace, anyway. So at the moment we're down to four green bottles.
RON I expect she'll be back on the wall in a few minutes. She won't want to miss the boat.
OWEN Assuming she's fit.
HELEN We were just talking about that. The obvious thing seems to be for Sally to join one of the couples and the other to cross separately - if that suits everyone?
RON Seems sensible. And just in case Enid's problem takes longer than we expect to sort out, you and Owen should be the first couple.
OWEN If that's okay by you.
RON Certainly. Helen's organised us - she's earned a bit of privilege.
HELEN It wasn't a particularly onerous task!
RON Not much of a privilege, either, come to think of it. After all this waiting, ten minutes or so either way doesn't make much odds.
HELEN No, but I appreciate the thought.
RON Well, someone had to do it, and you took it on. Left to ourselves we could have been arguing for hours.
OWEN Oh, she's a great organiser. Aren't you, love?
HELEN If you say so. But it was such a simple matter - there couldn't have been any problem, surely.
OWEN Don't you believe it! It's the simple matters that cause all the argument. Parkinson's Third Law, isn't it?
RON That's right. Something like "Time taken in committee is inversely proportional to the importance of the subject."
OWEN That's the gist of it, anyway.
HELEN How can that be? It seems absurd.
RON It's quite simple. Suppose there are three items on the agenda. First is a bicycle shed for the school caretaker. Everyone knows about sheds and bicycles and has his own preferences, so they spend two hours arguing over whether it should be brick or timber, painted, rendered or left natural, roofed with tile, slate, tin, plastic or thatch - that sort of thing. What was the second example?
OWEN I don't remember, but say a municipal swimming pool.
RON Right. There's a choice between three tenders at about the same price. They don't understand the engineering but they all have ideas on design, so they spend half an hour on that. That leaves a proposal for a nuclear reactor. None of them knows the first thing about the subject, they're all itching to get home - or more likely to the pub - so it's thrown out by common consent.
OWEN I think in Parkinson's original text it was passed on the nod, but it makes the point just as well.
HELEN Hmm. Very illuminating.
HELEN I have indeed!
RON So you see why we appreciate your sorting out our little problem. By the way, I think Sally had better go with you. See that Ken hasn't been getting up to any mischief - or put a stop to it if he has.
SALLY If you don't mind being left alone with Enid ...
RON Much as I may prefer your company, I think I can put up with her for ten minutes or so. I've had plenty of practice.
SALLY Right. Thank you.
OWEN Has she always ...
RON What?
OWEN I'm sorry, I was about to be fearfully impertinent.
RON If you mean "Has she always been so difficult," of course not. I'm not a masochist.
SALLY Was it the accident?
RON To Jenny? No, that didn't help, but she'd been getting this way for years. I'm afraid it's my fault - at least, in part.
HELEN Better not ask how.
OWEN Which is a polite way of asking!
RON I think she took me on rather in the spirit of the old joke about the three things in a bride's mind as she approaches the church - "aisle, altar, hymn." She always had some big project to work on, and I was one of them. Unfortunately I wasn't so easy to alter as she'd thought. In fact I probably went the other way out of sheer cussedness.
SALLY There must surely have been more to it than that for you to marry.
RON Of course. And it wasn't just sex, either. Even now - I may joke at times about wishing I were a bachelor again, but the idea of not having her around, somewhere - well, it just doesn't bear thinking about.
OWEN It's something you may have to face, eventually.
RON I'm a few years older. And women tend to live longer than men, anyway.
SALLY But they don't always.
RON No. But there's no point in worrying about every possibility before it happens.
OWEN I suppose the ideal for a fond couple would be to go together.
SALLY Worse for the family than one at a time.
OWEN I don't know about that. It's got to happen sooner or later - they may as well get it all over at once.
RON It probably depends on the particular people concerned - how devoted they are.
HELEN Have you any children? Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry ... It came out automatically .... Trust me to put my foot in it!
RON It's all right. Besides Jenny, you mean. A couple - one of each. But we haven't seen them for years.
SALLY Oh?
RON They got well out of it long ago - emigrated to Australia.
OWEN Not just to get away from you, surely.
RON I'd like to think there were more positive reasons.
SALLY They must have said ...
RON Oh, yes. Better prospects - better climate. More room for their own kids when they come. All reasonable enough.
OWEN But you don't sound convinced.
RON Well, there's always the nagging thought that those weren't the real reasons.
HELEN Have they got their own families now?
RON Yes, so of course Enid's always on about wanting to see the grandchildren.
SALLY Natural enough. Every grandmother wants that.
RON Yes, but I can't help thinking that if they've gone twelve thousand miles to get away from us, it would rather spoil things to go chasing after them.
HELEN It need only be for a month or so.
OWEN But they'd probably have at least to put on a show of wanting you to stay.
RON Yes. And Enid would almost certainly want to.
Enid enters left.
ENID Almost certainly want what?
RON To stay on after visiting Bill and Sue.
ENID Does that mean you're coming round to the idea?
RON I just mentioned it as a hypothetical possibility.
ENID Well, why not? There's nothing to keep us here now.
RON Well ...
ENID And why not, just for once, turn a hypothetical possibility into a reality? It would make a pleasant change.
OWEN Talking of hypothetical possibilities ... Any sign of the boat yet?
RON (craning) I can't see it ... Oh, just a minute ... Yes, it's on the way.
ENID Good.
RON Oh, Enid - we've agreed that Sally, Helen and Owen will go this time. We'll wait for the last trip.
ENID Trust you to give way to everyone else.
OWEN We could change it if you really want to go next.
ENID No, have it your own way.
SALLY It doesn't really make any difference, you know. Ten minutes here or there, what does it matter?
ENID Not to you, perhaps ...
SALLY Well, if you're so anxious to get across, I don't mind waiting.
ENID (martyred) No, let it stand. Don't let me spoil your arrangements.
OWEN (losing patience) Right, let's get down to the jetty.
He moves decisively off right; Helen and Sally follow after a moment's hesitation.
RON (after a pause) And then there were two.
ENID Hmm.
Pause
RON How do you feel now?
ENID Still a bit queasy.
RON Perhaps it was as well to wait a little longer, then. There's bound to be a bit of motion on the water.
ENID Ten minutes won't make much difference.
RON Then why make so much fuss over who took the last crossing?
ENID It's the principle of the thing.
RON What principle?
ENID Making sure we aren't taken for granted.
RON It sounds more like Stan Finlay's "Why be difficult? Try a little, and be impossible." You don't want to end up like Gareth, do you?
ENID He has a point. You have to stand up for your rights.
RON That old cliché! If people were a bit less concerned about their rights, and a bit more about their responsibilities, we'd be a good deal better off all round.
ENID Huh. Politicians have been banging on about that for yonks. It doesn't seem to make much difference.
RON Because it's all talk and no action. That's the problem. Rights are a matter of talk, not doing anything.
ENID What do you mean?
RON Look at it this way. Suppose you have a right to go about your business unmolested ...
ENID But I do. We all do.
RON Then it shouldn't be too difficult to suppose. But you can still get mugged in the street. And as like as not, if it's a bad night with people anxious to get home, no one else will take a blind bit of notice.
ENID They might call the police.
RON They might. And a fat lot of good that would do - apart perhaps from supporting an insurance claim afterwards. But if they had a responsibility to defend anyone being attacked, you could expect some help.
ENID Some hope!
RON As it is, yes. That's because for years we've concentrated on rights rather than responsibilities. It wasn't always like that.
ENID But rights are still important ...
RON Of course they are. But they depend on someone being responsible for meeting them, and knowing it - a particular individual, not just a nebulous "they."
William yawns prodigiously; Enid screams.
ENID Aah! What on earth was that?
RON It sounded like some kind of animal ...
ENID That shadow that Tanya saw ...?
RON Maybe.
William slowly rises to his feet and stretches.
RON Good lord! Where did he spring from?
WILLIAM (limping across to them) Sorry to startle you.
ENID Are you all right?
WILLIAM Yes, thanks. Just a bit stiff. I must have dozed off. What time is it?
RON (consulting his watch) Five past four. (With a double take) Eh?
ENID What's the matter?
RON It must have stopped the best part of an hour ago. What do you make it?
ENID I left mi
ne at home. Does it matter?
RON I don't suppose so. As long as we're down at the jetty when the ferry comes.
ENID He knows where to find us if we aren't.
WILLIAM So there's a ferry, is there?
RON Yes, a small one. We've been crossing four at a time.
WILLIAM And we're the left-overs, I suppose.
ENID Yes. Have you any idea where we are? No one else seemed to know.
WILLIAM Not a clue.
RON Lucky you woke up when you did. We hadn't noticed you over there. Neither did anyone else. You could easily have been left behind.
WILLIAM Maybe it was as well not to be seen. I might have had a bit of a hard time.
ENID Why?
WILLIAM Well, it wasn't my fault, but -
ENID What wasn't?
WILLIAM That flaming lorry charging round a blind corner in the middle of the road. What could I do about it?
RON Oh, you were our driver, were you?
WILLIAM That's right.
RON I'm sorry, we didn't recognise you.
WILLIAM (not really meaning it) I suppose there's no reason you should.
ENID Well, you weren't there when we boarded, and we ended up near the back. All we could see was the back of your head - and that not very often.
RON Then where's the bus?
WILLIAM Where do you suppose? Still at the bottom of the lake, of course. It'll probably take days to shift it.
ENID What's it doing there?
WILLIAM Not a lot.
RON You mean there was an accident?
WILLIAM Ah, the penny's dropped at last!
ENID But we don't remember anything about it. And no one else mentioned it.
WILLIAM Asleep, perhaps. Or in a state of shock. Hardly surprising.
RON By the sound of it we were lucky to get out.
WILLIAM You must be joking!
ENID What do you mean?
WILLIAM After we'd done a double somersault down the bank into thirty feet of water - you don't seriously suppose everyone would get out in one piece, do you? It'd be darned lucky if anyone could get out at all.
RON (belatedly realising the implications) Oh.
WILLIAM I take a dim view of it, I must say.
ENID The accident?
WILLIAM No, it's too late for that.
RON What, then?
WILLIAM All my life I refused to believe there was anything after death. Now I find myself shoved into it with no chance to say whether I want it or not.
RON (slyly) Are you going to complain to your trade union?
WILLIAM It's a bit late for that, too.
ENID You'll just have to make the best of it. We all shall.
WILLIAM Can't say I'm very impressed so far.
RON Maybe it's better across the river.
ENID What's this side, then? Where is it?
RON Limbo, I suppose, or Hades, Sheol - one of those dreary states that's neither life nor really death. Oh, here's ...
Charlie enters right with Jenny, who rushes across like a gale of joy to embrace Enid.
JENNY Mummy!
ENID Jenny! What on earth are you doing here?
JENNY Not really on earth - it's a sort of half-way house.
RON You still didn't say what you're doing here.
JENNY (hugging him) Dad! I'm so glad you and Mum came together.
RON (disentangling himself) Yes, but delighted though I am to be with you again, you still haven't answered the question of ...
JENNY Well, I heard you were coming, and Charlie very kindly said there was a spare place and I could come to meet you.
CHARLIE (false grumble) You mean you talked me into it. Against all the rules, it is.
JENNY Rules be blowed! (and for good measure kisses him, too) There, isn't that better?
RON I see you have the same difficulty with her that I had, Charlie.
JENNY Oh, don't be so stuffy, Dad. You know you like to please me, really.
CHARLIE And where the intention's good, we don't mind stretching a point.
JENNY (to William) And Mr. Jenkins, too - I didn't realise it was you. Though Don thought you were coming soon.
WILLIAM (sternly) Oh, did he?
JENNY Now you're not to be cross with him. Our crash was partly my fault.
RON I thought as much.
ENID Now don't start - Aah!
RON What's the matter now?
ENID The shadow that scared Tanya -
RON You've seen it?
ENID Something of the sort - (pointing into the forest) over there.
JENNY Don't worry, Mum ...
RON Do you know what it is?
JENNY The way it was explained to me, some people glimpse a form of everything they dislike about themselves - everything that shames them.
RON Very nasty.
JENNY But it's all right so long as you don't go after it. Come on, Mum; it can't hurt you now. Oh, it's marvellous having you all together at last!
She leads the rest off right.
CURTAIN
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About the author.
Peter Wilson is a retired industrial chemist living in Seascale, on the Cumbrian coast near the north-west corner of England.
Longer plays and film scripts are to be published in due course, D.V.
Meanwhile, these and other writings with a short biography and contact details may be found at his web site
www.peterwilson-seascale.me.uk