The Girl from Lace Island

by Joanna Rees

  ‘Fair enough,’ Kai said.

  Jess smiled and took a sip of her orange juice. She’d only popped into the gym tonight for a quick session. She’d been so excited she’d had to tell someone, and she’d been pleased that Kai and Tony had wanted to celebrate with her.

  But now that she was here in the pub, she was itching to get home to start on her coursework. There would be six modules and she’d have to pass each one in order to get accepted by the airline, and the competition was fierce.

  ‘Any hot chicks on your course?’ Kai asked, and Jess rolled her eyes at him.

  ‘Plenty. I met one girl, Claire, who seemed fun. She’s sitting next to me.’

  In fact, if it hadn’t been for Claire, Jess might never have had the nerve to go into the lecture room at all. But that’s what had been so great about today. The feeling that for the first time ever, she belonged. That she was the same as those nice boys and girls from their secure families, with their normal backgrounds. It felt like she was on her way to a new future.

  ‘Yeah, well, don’t forget who your friends are,’ Tony said, and Jess smiled at him.

  ‘Course I won’t,’ she said, but even as she did, she knew that her heart had already pulled away. That she was already wondering what tomorrow might bring.

  Later, after the pub, Kai walked her home. He stood with her by her door, but Jess could see the lights were off in the flat and Angel still hadn’t come home.

  ‘You should be proud of yourself, Jess,’ Kai said softly. ‘Really. Not many people have the guts to change their lives the way you have.’

  ‘Thanks,’ she said, meaning it. She was genuinely touched he’d said that.

  She smiled, reaching into her pocket for her key, but suddenly, she was aware of how still Kai had gone. When she looked up at him, he was staring at her intently. Then, taking her completely by surprise, he leant down and kissed her softly on the lips.

  ‘What was that for?’ she asked, taken aback.

  ‘I dunno,’ he said, with a shy smile and a shrug. ‘Sorry.’

  Jess held his gaze, her heart starting to race. ‘Don’t be sorry. I’m flattered.’

  Kai glanced along the walkway. ‘You know, Jess, I wondered if you wanted to . . . you know . . .’

  She stared at him, her breath catching as she saw the meaning in his eyes. Then she laughed, but he looked serious.

  ‘I don’t want this to complicate things between us,’ she whispered in the dark, scared that her neighbour would come out and see them.

  ‘It won’t. We’re friends, right?’ Kai said, stroking her face with the back of his hand, the tender gesture clinching it for Jess.

  She unlocked the door, smiling while biting her lip. This wouldn’t be another mistake, would it? Like the dozens she’d made in the past? Because this new phase of her life meant she was leaving the old, hot-headed Jess behind. That tearaway teenager who used to take drugs and make trouble. That was all in the past. Back in the care homes that she and Angel had always run away from.

  These days, she was different. She was being sensible. She’d turned over a new leaf since she and Angel had moved here. It was six months or more since she’d even entertained the thought of an unsuitable hook-up. She’d stopped sleeping with men because she could. She’d been saving herself.

  But now, as Kai held her arm and pulled her towards him and kissed her again as the door of the flat closed behind them, all her resolve went out of the window and she remembered how nice it felt to connect to someone physically.

  He kissed her again, more deeply this time, moaning with pleasure. Man, he was a good kisser, she thought, thinking of how often she’d fought Kai, how many times she’d embraced him, made contact with him – but never like this. But why never like this? she wondered, feeling something sexual stirring inside her. And what the hell? Today had been one of the most exciting of her life. Why not make a proper celebration of it, as Kai was suggesting? Maybe she wasn’t as uptight and frigid as Angel had declared she was. Maybe, just maybe this was exactly what she needed.

  ‘I thought it was Angel you wanted,’ she said, as she grabbed at his shirt.

  ‘I was only saying that to make you jealous. You have no idea how hot you are, Jess. I’ve fancied you for ages.’

  He lifted her up, like she was as light as a feather, and she wrapped her arms and legs round him, feeling his hardness through his sweatpants against her.

  ‘Which way is your room?’ he asked.

  Afterwards, Jess lay in her single bed in Kai’s arms, stroking the soft skin on his arm. She smiled, amazed at how content the sex between them had made her feel.

  ‘So what’s the deal with the big beach?’ Kai asked, nodding at the poster opposite.

  Jess stared at the poster. ‘It’s always been a fantasy. You know, to go somewhere like that.’

  She stared at the poster, not elaborating. She couldn’t tell Kai the whole fantasy. That one day she wanted to get married on a beach just like that. And it wasn’t about the guests or how it looked, like it was on those bride shows on TV. She wouldn’t care about who else was there, only that he was there. Him. The man she loved. The one she hadn’t met yet, but she knew one day she would. The one who’d be perfect for her. She saw herself staring into his eyes feeling . . .

  Feeling what? Who knew? How would she feel, other than more ecstatic than she’d ever thought it possible to feel? Was that how it felt? Perhaps. But she could only guess. She’d never been in love. Never even come close.

  ‘I keep it there to remind me that there’s a big world out there.’ She stared at it for a moment. ‘Angel gave it to me for my twenty-first,’ she confided. Back when she gave a shit about me, she wanted to add.

  ‘Are you worried about her? You seemed worried earlier.’

  ‘I am.’

  ‘She’s a big girl, Jess. She has to make her own mistakes,’ Kai said.

  ‘I guess. It hurts, that’s all. We’ve always been like this, you know,’ Jess said, crossing her fingers. ‘Here. Look.’ She reached down and pulled the old shoebox from under her bed. She opened the lid. Inside were her savings book and her favourite keepsakes.

  She pulled out the Polaroid photo of her and Angel when they’d been ten standing outside their first orphanage. They looked like such ragamuffins. Always in trouble, but always with each other’s backs. She held it up for Kai to look.

  ‘That’s cute,’ he said, with a smile. ‘Neither of you has changed. You got any more?’

  ‘Nope. That’s it,’ Jess said.

  She felt the shame of it now. The sadness that she only had the one picture. One measly token of her childhood. The truth was that they’d been too poor to have cameras, and Jess had moved around so much, never having the space or a room of her own to collect possessions. Besides, it hadn’t been a childhood that had been worth documenting with photos in an album. Not like she imagined real families had.

  ‘What else is in there?’ Kai asked, looking at the box.

  ‘Not much. Oh . . . there’s this,’ she said, pulling out the small jewellery box. Inside was a fine gold crucifix.

  ‘I didn’t know you were religious.’

  ‘I’m not,’ she said, ‘but that’s all I have from my past.’ She stared at the fine links, wondering who would once have owned it. ‘I arrived in the orphanage as a baby and this was among my baby clothes.’

  Kai was silent for a moment and Jess felt jangled. To share this with him suddenly felt more intimate than the sex they’d just had.

  ‘Don’t you want to know?’ he asked. ‘About what happened? About why you were in the orphanage in the first place?’

  Jess shrugged. ‘As far as I know, she’s dead. My birth mother. That’s what I was told.’ She rubbed her finger across the worn gold, as she had done countless times before, and her heart ached with a familiar longing and she sighed. ‘I’d just like to know for sure, that’s all.’

  It was true. Even if it was sad, or awful, or tragic, just t
o know who her mother had been would fill the hole she felt inside. She wouldn’t judge anymore. Enough bad shit happened in the world. Jess was old enough to know that. But if she could just know why her mother gave her up. Did she simply not care, or did something happen? Something that could have been put right?

  ‘Why don’t you find out?’

  ‘It’s too late,’ she said, kissing the crucifix before putting the jewellery box back. ‘There’s no point in dwelling on the past.’

  ‘If it was me, I’d want to know.’

  ‘I’ve got other things on my mind,’ Jess said, putting the lid firmly back on the box and replacing it under the bed.

  ‘Me too,’ Kai said, wanting to snuggle back down with her, but Jess was no longer in the mood.

  ‘You know, Kai, I should really study. I’ve got to be up early and back at my course in the morning.’

  ‘Oh, oh, sure,’ he said, getting the message.

  She got up, feeling bad as she watched him climb out of her bed. She stared at his long, lean limbs as he pulled on his boxers.

  He turned to her as she put on her dressing gown, crossing her arms.

  ‘You know, I like you, Jess. I have done for a while. You must have guessed. All our fights . . .’

  ‘That was flirting?’ she said, attempting to joke, but he was being serious.

  ‘We could, you know, make a go of it. If you wanted, I mean? You and me?’

  Jess looked at the carpet, her eyebrows knitting together. She felt bad now for sleeping with him. For leading him on. It had been a mistake, because she’d hurt his feelings. She could see that now.

  ‘Save yourself for someone who will be here,’ she said. ‘I want to go and travel the world. It’s what I’ve wanted my whole life.’

  ‘But—’

  Jess shook her head, before reaching up to hug him. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered. ‘Tonight has been lovely, and the last thing I wanted was to hurt you, but I can’t be any more than your friend, Kai. I’m sorry.’

  He nodded, not meeting her eye, and when he left, he kissed her on the cheek.

  But after he’d gone and she’d shut the door, Jess felt unexpected tears rising up in her. What if believing in fate and her gorgeous fantasy man was just a big joke? Maybe there was no happy ever after, or deserted beach with the man of her dreams. What if Angel was right and she was holding out for a fantasy that didn’t exist? Certainly not for people like her.

  Maybe she would be better off with someone like Kai. Someone who could be here for her in the real world she lived in now. But it was too late, she reminded herself. She’d already rejected him. She’d sent him packing when he’d been nothing but sweet and kind to her. All because she felt she deserved something better.

  What kind of a horrible person did it make her?

  She took a breath to calm herself. No. No, it would be OK. She believed in fate. She believed she was destined for a better future. It would happen. She would make it. She would. No matter what.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Lace Island, 1989

  The Everdenes had been up for Bibi and Chan’s infamous cocktail hour each evening of their stay, but tonight, along with Martin, Christopher and Vanessa, they’d stayed past sunset, Anjum, the cook, having prepared a special banquet. Leila stretched out on her favourite cushioned chair on the terrace, her tummy full from the feast they’d just enjoyed, the taste of the sweet kulfi still on her tongue.

  It was the perfect kind of night, the sky fading into a soft indigo, the warm breeze tickling the wind chimes hanging near the door, the air scented with the night jasmine that covered the terrace roof and the incense sticks Bibi burnt to keep away the mosquitos.

  Leila flicked through the magazines that Vanessa had given her earlier, having declared that she’d finished with them. One of the perks of the guests staying was that they often gifted her their unwanted possessions – paperbacks, suncream, bikinis (which were always too big), T-shirts, designer sunglasses and hats. Leila collected them all, and from the second she’d spotted glamorous Vanessa, who, apparently, was set to debut on the West End stage in London, she’d been secretly longing for a haul. She hadn’t been disappointed. Vanessa had given her three lipsticks and a blue mascara, as well as a sarong and a straw hat. She’d been hoping to get friendly and chat more to Vanessa about her life in London, but she hadn’t seen either her or Christopher much. They’d kept themselves to themselves in their guest bungalow, appearing with shining eyes and holding hands, like they were having the best love-in of all time. Although, what beautiful Vanessa saw in balding Christopher, who was clearly twice her age, Leila couldn’t begin to understand.

  Now, she pored over the glossy pages, fascinated by the glamorous shots of the French actress Isabella Rosellini and that model Cindy Crawford, who Leila had seen before. And yet more shots of Princess Diana, who Leila always felt sorry for. Always having to be on show, when all she probably wanted to do was stay at home and play with her little boys. She wrinkled her nose, looking at all the pictures of the silly pop stars performing for the second Live Aid single. How could it be that people were still starving in Africa? Hadn’t they fixed it the first time around? She flicked through some more, bored by the news.

  Events on the other side of the world only held so much fascination. It was a comfort to know there was a world going on out there, but Leila was very happy for it not to bother her on Lace Island, although it seemed to be a constant source of worry to Rasa that she wasn’t more curious about it.

  He was desperate to go away and travel. He didn’t stop talking about how he couldn’t wait to go to London and New York and Paris. Leila supposed she would see the world all in good time, but when everyone came here and gushed about how wonderful Lace Island was compared to everywhere else, she wasn’t in any hurry to go anywhere that wasn’t as fascinating. Besides, it would break her heart to leave Bibi and Chan, not to mention her friends.

  Mr and Mrs Everdene, who had been sipping Chan’s lethal cocktails all night, had now lost their British uptightness. The gramophone was on and Chan was playing his clarinet along with a Chet Baker record, while Tina Everdene was dancing a strange, flailing Charleston-type dance. Leila watched from her corner seat, seeing Chan’s clarinet charming her like a snake.

  ‘I never dance,’ she called out to Leila. ‘But I can’t help myself. Isn’t your father wonderful?’

  Stepfather, Leila wanted to correct her, but she knew she couldn’t. ‘Yes,’ Leila said, and Chan winked at her.

  ‘Come and join in!’ Tina held out her hands to Leila, who got to her feet.

  She saw Bibi and Teddy Everdene clapping as they danced, but she knew Bibi wouldn’t get up and dance herself. She’d never seen her mother dance in public, or let down her reserve, but Leila, who was entranced by the wedding saris in her mother’s closet, longed just once to see her do the traditional dancing that she’d done at her wedding to Leila’s father all those years ago. That was back in the days when Bibi was in the bosom of her own family, but when she’d married Chan, they’d cut her off, and Bibi never talked about her relatives now.

  The record finished and Tina bent forward laughing, her hands on her knees, out of breath. Behind her, the moon was rising like a huge yellow smile. On the dark horizon, the lights from the fishing boats blinked on the gold-black sea.

  ‘Have you ever been somewhere so romantic? Or felt so free? It’s just marvellous, Teddy. Marvellous,’ Tina said, putting her arms on the balustrade and taking in the view, breathing in the hot night air. ‘I can’t bear to go home.’

  Leila couldn’t help but smile. This was often the guests’ reaction to Bibi and Chan’s hospitality. Suddenly, there was a familiar buzzing and just as Bibi said, ‘Not again,’ the electricity went out, plunging them into darkness. The needle on the record stopped, the music making a funny dying sound, which Chan finished with a flourish on his clarinet.

  ‘This happens all the time,’ Bibi explained. ‘Leila?’

&n
bsp; Dutifully, Leila fetched the oil lamp, lighting it, so that the party had a warm glow. Now, without the gramophone, the air was filled with familiar night noises – the hypnotic chorus of the nocturnal crickets and the occasional hoot of the forest owls, the chatter of the palm fronds as the breeze tickled through them and, in the background – almost as a secret – the low, gentle whoosh of the sea.

  ‘What a shame,’ Tina said to Chan. ‘I was enjoying that so much.’

  ‘Well, I can carry on, if you insist.’

  Now the clarinet’s plaintive air filled the night all around them. Christopher and Vanessa danced slowly together in the corner, staring into each other’s eyes, and Tina held her hands together and made a cooing sound as if she’d never seen anything so romantic.

  ‘So tell me,’ Tina said, ‘if it’s not rude to ask, how did you end up living on Lace Island, Bibi?’

  ‘Mummy inherited this island from her grandma,’ Leila said, when she saw that Bibi was reluctant to answer. Bibi gave her a sharp look. ‘What? It’s true.’ But she could tell that Bibi was annoyed that she’d shared so much personal information. Trying to get back on track, she continued Bibi’s story for her. ‘But Mummy was always going to live here. Right from when she was a little girl and used to come here with her grandmother. She has loads of brothers,’ Leila confided, ‘but they’re all horrible, so Grandma decided that Lace Island would pass down the female line.’ She said this proudly. Lace Island would be hers one day. It was her birthright and she didn’t care who knew it.

  ‘Leila,’ Bibi chided. ‘Don’t be rude.’

  ‘So Bibi lived here with my father and they had me . . .’

  Leila saw Tina and Teddy exchange a shocked look. They obviously hadn’t realized that Chan wasn’t Leila’s father. Bibi looked annoyed that she’d brought it up.

  ‘He died. A long time ago,’ Bibi said, glaring at Leila. She didn’t want Leila to tell the guests that he’d been killed in a shark attack, otherwise they wouldn’t go in the sea and their holiday would be ruined.