Thrillobytes: bite-sized horror

by Iain Rob Wright

  Deserts - Deserts are not happy places. They are home to inbred psychopaths, Nuclear testing sites, and many episodes of The X Files. Plus getting sand in your underwear sucks more than anything. After an hour alone in the desert you will be praying for something to come and stab you to death.

  Daniel Larusso - There are many situations in which the Karate Kid would be useful, but in a horror film scenario, a flimsy Crane Kick just isn't gonna cut it! Mr Miyagi on the other hand...

  Devil - The Devil is in the details, so avoid instruction manuals at all costs.

  Deadites - Freaky-ass zombie/demon hybrids that live in the woods. You can either hire out Bruce Campbell for the day to deal with them, or alternatively attach a chainsaw to your left hand whilst holding a book of witty one-liners in your other.

  -E-

  Earth - Our planet is the most desirable place to live in the entire multiverse, which is why waves of various alien species are always trying to take it from us. It is the space version of a vacation house in Florida.

  Eggs - Eggs are very very bad - especially if they are about to hatch. To prevent the inherent danger of 'eggs' apply flamethrower as soon as possible. If a flamethrower is not available you best get stamping!

  Evil - The opposite of 'not-evil' and is the reason that all killers exist - either that or their poor upbringing. At most local chemists you can find 'evil litmus paper' kits in order to detect the presence of a killer. You should hold one of the detection strips up to the person in question and ask them to breath onto its surface. If that person then chooses instead to stab you in the eye socket, they are indeed evil and you should be very proud of yourself for identifying them. Even if you are dead.

  Engleburt Humperdink - The epitome of horror...

  Ernest - Ernest may have saved Christmas but he can't save you!

  Echo - If you hear an echo then you are inside a cave. Caves have bats. Bats are Vampires. You should leave.

  Elevator - Elevators are designed to get stuck, preferably between floors so that passengers have to crawl out of a small gap that could possibly slice them in half. Other passengers in an elevator are also not what they seem: they could even turn out to be the devil, or someone that likes to cut disgusting farts in confined spaces. Take the stairs.

  Emo - Emo kids speak about death constantly so please let's just give it to them. Let's give it to them all.

  Email - Yes you really can increase the size of your penis, and that young Russian girl really could use your help. The Internet is full of monsters trying to destroy you and email is their biggest weapon.

  -F-

  Fat - Fat people are very slow. If you surround yourself with fat people you will have a far better chance of outrunning a killer or some zombies. You'll just have to put up with the body odours and the fact that they will keep complaining about the emergency rationing that you have had to put into place.

  Fantasy - In a horror movie, if you fantasize about something that is too good to be true - IT IS! You will eventually snap out of your daydreams of love and happiness to find that you are indeed still stuck in that hole underground and nobody is coming to help you. See The Descent for example.

  Fangs - Avril Lavigne has fangs. Does this mean that she is a vampire? Probably, but there is also a chance that she is a werewolf. Regardless, people with fangs want to bite you, so stay away from them; Avril Lavigne included.

  Final Fantasy 7 - Look out for that crazy giant snake in the desert part of the map! You will need a chocobo to get passed, or a Celine Dion CD. Crazy giant snakes hate Celine Dion!

  Feast - A feast will consist of your sister for starters, your best friend for main course, and YOU for dessert. Never agree to a feast with anyone in a horror movie!

  Fan - If you are lucky enough to be famous during a horror movie situation then you should avoid anyone that purports to be your 'greatest fan' like the plague. While these people will at first seem normal, and even likeable, they will slowly degenerate into twisted, bi-polar maniacs that will stalk you relentlessly until you are forced to strangle them to death with a pair of your own underwear that they stole.

  Finland - Finland has Trolls and snow. Both of these things are bad.

  Freddie Krueger - Despite some problems in his past, Freddie Krueger is now doing very well. He is happily married to his high school sweetheart and holds a junior executive position at Microsoft. He does not have children.

  French - French people do not make good allies in a horror movie. They will either give you up to the killer or run away never to be seen again. Another likely scenario is that they will get themselves captured, leaving you having to save them. They will not thank you afterwards.

  Firearms - Firearms are very good against zombies, but very bad against everything else. A bullet won't kill Dracula. It will just piss him off!

  Frodo - Frodo Baggins is a reformed drug dealer from the Shire that went on to save the world. His constant drug pushing prior to this led to a epidemic of severely stunted growth in his home town of Bag End.

  Fender - Playing guitar in a horror movie makes you cool, so you just might live. Conversely, playing the flute or xylophone will result in a swift and painful death for you. The harpsichord is a grey area so feel free to try it.

  Fast - Fast running is good! Fast driving is irresponsible and in a horror movie will get you killed. The car will crash and then, after a suitably dramatic length of time has passed, it will explode with you in it.

  Flash - If you see a flash you most likely just witnessed a nulear explosion nearby. You have three seconds to get underground before your toast! It may also be an MIB agent wiping your mind, which is good. Ask them to also remove that memory of when you accidentally saw your sister naked in the shower. Also ask them to erase the knowledge that is wasn't really an accident.

  Flask - Anti-heroes have silver flasks full of whiskey that they can swig from at key times - usually when they are standing against the backdrop of a ruined city or dying sunset. Anti-heroes live though, so get a hip-flask today!

  Feisty - Feisty women make it through to the end of horror movies alive, so start learning how to be a bitch as soon as you can.

  Flap Jacks - An ideal addition to your zombie survival rations, and delicious too! Get baking, damn it, but remember to keep them away from the 'fat' members of your group!

  Friends - Friends are useful to have, but please be aware that your very bestest buddy in the whole world, that you have known all of your life, will suddenly turn out to be the killer because of some long-held irrational resentment that they have of you - like the fact you stole their favourite no. 2 pencil in kindergarten. Your lesser-liked friends will die before you, so keep a good supply to use as kill-fodder.

  The popular TV series, Friends, is absolutely full of subtle tips about how to survive a horror film or zombie apocalypse. Watch more carefully and you will see them. Marcel the monkey knows far more then it would first appear...

  Fish - There are two types of fish. Piranhas, that will strip the flesh from your bones if you ever dare enter water, and then there is Cod, which is delicious. There are no other kinds of fish.

  Frisky - If you get frisky, you will die. Keep those dirty mitts to yourself!

  Finish - Always finish the bad guy. They are not really dead yet - just stunned.

  -G-

  Ghosts - Ghosts are dead people with a poor sense of direction. Upon their deaths, instead of walking towards the blindingly obvious 'bright light' they wandered in the opposite direction and now wander the earth aimlessly. Eventually becoming frustrated by their own stupidity, these disembodied spirits take out their anger on the living - especially families that have just brought houses at unbelievable bargain prices. If you see a five-bedroom Georgian mansion for sale at an ultra-low price, hire an Exorcist first!

  Gadafi - Colonel Gadafi of Libya is one of the 'Crab People'. An ancient race of crustacean interlopers from the planet Soth Par. He can be eliminated by boiling him alive and garnish
ing his remains with garlic butter.

  Gatsby - Gatsby is a character from an old book that everyone tells you is a 'classic', but upon reading it you discover that it is a horrifying example of snooty, high-brow, stodgy writing that nobody ever 'really' enjoys. Avoid this book at all costs as it will make your eyes bleed. Try reading The Shining; now that's a classic.

  Ghoul - A ghoul is a bit like a zombie, except less dumb. You can tell a ghoul by the pale, rotting skin, and an obsession with cheese Doritos. If you are unsure whether or not a person is a ghoul, offer them a tube of Pringles. If they decline and moan the word 'Doooriiiitooooes!' they are most definitely a member of the undead.

  Germany - Home to Nazi-zombies, Nazi-vampires, Nazi-werewolves, and Nazi-demons. Also: Pork Snitzel and Pumpernickel.

  Garfield - All cats are evil! Even lazy, talking ones...ESPECIALLY lazy, talking ones.

  Grand Canyon - A big hole in the ground. Avoid falling in!

  Great Lakes - Several big puddles in the ground. Avoid falling in.

  Great Pyramids - Giant skateboard ramp. Get gnarly!

  Great Britain - Not so great! But did give us Giles from Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Win!

  Great Gatsby - See above.

  Great Kahli - Seriously!

  Guest - If you are a guest at a dinner party, you may die. Especially if the host is mysterious and not someone you know.

  Germs - Germs were created by God to turn us all into zombies, but as long as they keep giving us alcohol rub at the airport we will all be okay. Germs can also make you poo lots, which can be fun or painful depending on how much you enjoy pooing.

  Greg Pitt - Lesser-known brother of Brad and a member of the New World Order, the clandestine organisation that secretly runs the world. How else did you think Brad got so famous? His acting? Pah!

  Gun - Good at killing zombies and makes you look cool, but you risk attracting both NRA members and anti-gun lobbyists; both groups are annoying. Thankfully though you can shoot them both dead because you have a gun.

  Gangsters - Sometimes gangsters find their way into a horror film. They take this opportunity to stop being reprehensible criminals and instead become anti-heroes. See George Clooney in From Dusk Till Dawn.

  Gas - If you smell gas, three things are possible. 1. There is a leak and the building is about to blow up. 2. You are being poisoned. 3. Someone just cut a disgusting fart. All three things mean certain death (except for the third one).

  God - I'm not even going there!

  -H-

  Hillary Clinton - Hillary Clinton is a 'body-snatcher' and had once intended to use her husband/man-puppet to enslave the world. Unfortunately he could not keep it in his pants and we were left with George Bush instead - although he was almost just as much a threat to the free-world as any body-snatcher could be.

  HAL - Hal was an AI-governed machine that got insanely drunk one night and tried to take out his rotten hangover the following morning on the inhabitants of a spaceship. The lesson that HAL gave to us all was that machines should not drink - not even light-ale.

  Hockey - A hockey stick makes a good weapon against a killer but eventually it will snap into pieces and leave you defenceless. A hockey skate can be used to slit throats but is more likely to be employed by the bad guy against you. Hockey masks have been trademarked by Jason Vorhees so you can't use them in any fashion in a horror film or else his mother will sue you (and you really don't wanna mess with that bitch!).

  Hasslehoff - The 'hoff' has more magical power in just his chest hair alone that he could easily take on any supernatural threat to humanity with ease. Unfortunately he is deluded and self-centred and would refuse to offer any kind of assistance unless you pay him obscene amounts of money.

  Hangman - If you encounter a hangman then its already too late for you. It's even worse than bumping into 'electric-chair guy' or 'lethal-injection dude'.

  Hatchet - A hatchet is typically a weapon of the bad guy, but you could potentially meet a friendly Indian (Native American), and if they offer you the use of their hatchet then you should feel free to use it. Sharpen it first though; there's nothing worse than a pefectly-aimed hatchet toss that results in the blade bouncing off someone's head and leaving nothing but a nasty bruise.

  Harmonica - If you hear a harmonica then you are in the 'deep south'. The Deep South is full of redneck rapists and cannibals, as well as awful banjo music. If you are in the Deep South you should head north immediately, ignoring any police officers with mirrored-sunglasses that tell you to 'getch yer ass in ma car!' You may also bump into Britney Spears and if you do you should kill her. Why? Just cus...

  Hate - You may find this tattooed across the knuckles of your roommate in prison. If that is the case then I am glad I am not you!

  Herpes - This disease gives you blisters on your winky! If that isn't horror I don't know what is.

  Heads - Heads are good when they are attached to a neck; if they are not attached to a neck then that is very bad. If you see a head on a spike then this is even worse. Remove the head and use the spike to arm yourself immediately.

  Hot Sauce - Can be used to kill mafia goons with stomach ulcers (see Dumb and Dumber). Is delicious with chicken.

  -I-

  Investigate - Investigating will get you killed. That noise that sounded like someone crying out for help was your postman being stabbed to death in the back of his van. It's a shame, but there's nothing you can do for him, so sit back, switch on the TV and never ever investigate!

  Indonesia - Indonesia is full of scary market stalls that sell snake's blood and lizard feet. They are great places to visit when trying to fulfil a voodoo recipe, but other than that there is no reason to go. Also, if their police catch you with the tiniest bit of marijuana, they will sentence you to a thousand years in a sub-human prison cell.

  Ivan - Anyone with this name is usually a bad guy. The same goes for anyone named Vlad.

  Internet - The Internet is for porn. Also it is for researching stories about 'that girl that drowned ten years ago and now seems to have come back to kill the local teenagers'. Be sure to avoid chat rooms as these are 100% populated by twisted paedophiles wearing their dead mother's dresses and going by the name Jeanie-May.

  Identity - Everyone has an identity. If you have two then you are a schizophrenic serial killer; sorry!

  Ink - All contracts should be signed with ink. If anyone ever tells you to sign one in blood then politely decline as you are about to make a deal with the Devil.

  Incans - If you find anything left behind by Incans - coins, pots, bones etc. - it will be cursed. If you value your health then you will avoid anything to do with the Incans. Aztecs and Mayans too. They were all bad.

  Ill - If one of your group becomes ill then lock them in a closet. They are going to become a zombie or are possessed by an alien parasite. They could also have been bitten by that cute little monkey from 'Outbreak'.

  Irritating - If you irritate people in a horror movie then I'm afraid you will die. The killer will stab you to death and, even worse, no one will care.

  Iceland - Iceland has snow zombies and Bjork. I can't say which is more dangerous, but both will attack you upon sight.

  Ignorance - Ignorance will get you killed. No one likes a dumb-fuck in a horror movie. If someone asks you the capitol of France and you don't know, you will die!

  iTunes - iTunes is a parasite from mars, causing your muscles to wate away. Every song you purchase takes money from your wallet and will eventually escalate to a point where you can no longer afford to feed yourself. Your death will be slow and drawn-out as the application tears at your very soul with rare hits from the 80s.

  Incoming - If someone shouts this then you better bloody duck. If someone shouts it whilst you are on a boat then I hope you can swim! If you are a woman and a man shouts this during sex, you should dump him.

  -J-

  Juice - Juice on its own is fine in a horror film, but Gin and Juice will attract Snoop Doggy Dog who will pop a
cap in your mo' fuckin ass! If you've seen the film bones you will see that he ain't a pimp you wanna mess with.

  Jail - If you are being hunted by a supernatural killer and the police try to keep you safe inside one of their cells, then yo ass is doomed. The killer will enter the precinct and decapitate every officer on the force before finding you trapped in a cage as if you were a birthday present.

  Jack Black - The rotund comedian is useless in a horror film other than providing a rocking backing track. He couldn't help Matthew Broderick against the Cable Guy, and he can't help you.

  Jeff Jarrett - A disciple of the Devil, sent to corrupt our souls by televising really bad wrestling events that feature nonsensical storylines and geriatric performers.