Waiting for the Punchline

by Natasha West

  ‘Hi’ she said and Joy, plus all the band boys, turned to look at her.

  Joy smiled with half her mouth. ‘Alright?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  Oh shit, I’m already out of things to say.

  Joy turned to the band boys. ‘This is Guitar Girl’s friend.’ They all nodded, not very interested. ‘How do you know her anyway?’ Joy asked.

  ‘Oh, we’ve been friends for a million years’ Megan said dismissively, not wanting to talk about Phoebe right now. But then she realised, it was a legitimate topic of conversation that had just been dangled in front of her. She’d better grab on. ‘I’m actually the reason she plays guitar, gave Phoebe her first one when we were twelve.’

  ‘Oh yeah?’ Joy said, semi-interested.

  ‘Yeah. Her Mum didn’t like her to play anything that wasn’t proper classical. But she really wanted to play so I got my Dad to give her his old one. She picked it up dead quick, proper prodigy.’

  Suddenly, the singer, Ricky, said ‘I’m gonna get another beer.’

  The other two boys mumbled in agreement and then they left. In a minor miracle, Megan was alone with Joy.

  ‘So you play the drums?’ Megan said.

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘How come? I mean, what made you choose that instrument?’

  Joy took a sip of beer and said ‘I’ve got anger issues, apparently. I was given a set of drums so I could bash the shit out of something that wouldn’t press charges.’

  Megan had no idea if that was a joke or not, so she gave a light laugh. It was meant to acknowledge what Joy had said without mocking it, if she was actually being honest. Even Megan had to admit, it came out weird. But Joy didn’t seem to care.

  ‘How old are you?’ Joy asked, bluntly.

  ‘Eighteen’ Megan answered nervously. Was Joy checking she was old enough to drink?

  ‘Do you want to come to my room?’ Joy asked without blinking.

  ‘Do I… Can you repeat that? I think my ears have lost their minds’ Megan said, unable to believe Joy had really just said that.

  ‘I’m pretty sure you fancy me and I’d really like to get off with someone tonight but I’m not really one for the male persuasion. So do you want to come?’

  Megan was sure for a second that she was going to faint. ‘Err...’

  ‘That a no? Because if so, I’m going to find some other little baby dyke whose willing.’

  For a moment, Megan was confused. ‘Baby Dyke?’ Was that what she was? Megan shook her head and said ‘No, no, no. I’m willing.’ She realised that had come out a little too enthusiastically.

  ‘I’m in room twelve. I’ll leave now and you come in ten minutes. I don’t need the gossip.’ Joy strutted off.

  Megan stood like a statue, frozen in place, considering what had just happened and what was supposed to happen next. Was she actually about to get her V plates off?

  She suddenly really wished Phoebe was there to talk it through. Even though she’d been in a bad mood earlier, she was the only person Megan wanted to talk this through with. She was a fellow virgin and Megan thought she’d say something wise about it, something to help her. Spat or no spat, this was bigger than that. She needed Phoebe.

  Sixteen

  Phoebe was sitting on her bed, still dressed in lycra. She’d said she was too tired to go to the party but she knew she couldn’t sleep yet either. Not a chance. Because Phoebe was seething with anger. She was so angry that she was talking out loud.

  ‘I come all this way. For you. And then you ditch me the second some bitchy drummer shows you a tiny bit of interest. What kind of friend does that?’

  She took a moment to shake her head. And then it was as though she were listening to Megan make an excuse.

  ‘No. I don’t care if she’s got a pretty face. Does that matter to you more than me?’

  Imaginary Megan refuted that.

  ‘That’s exactly what this means. And you don’t even know what’s she’s like. She’s been horrible to me. So when you look at it that way, this is really quite a big betrayal.’

  Imaginary Megan made a good argument in response.

  ‘I don’t care if you didn’t know that. You should have picked up on the atmosphere. But you were too blinded by your… your… bathing suit area!’

  Even in rage and alone, Phoebe had never really found a comfortable term for that. She listened to imaginary Megan laugh at her and explain that she was being ‘Way too Phoebe right now.’ Phoebe hated it when she said that.

  ‘Yeah, well, maybe I am being Way Too Phoebe but I know her better than you. She’s older, she’s horrible and she’ll use you. And then you’ll probably spend the whole of the summer chasing her about and not caring that this is our last time together!’

  Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

  Phoebe sat up. ‘Come in?’

  Megan walked in. Phoebe felt herself flush at the sight of the person she’d been ranting at only seconds ago. She couldn’t tell, could she?

  But Megan didn’t seem to notice. ‘Pheebs, I need your help. Like, stat!’

  Phoebe tried to make her face look normal and her voice sound even. ‘What’s up?’

  ‘I think I’m about to, err…’

  Phoebe watched Megan splutter to a stop. ‘You’re about to what?’

  ‘Umm… Joy wants me to come to her room in…’ she checked her watch. ‘It’s seven minutes now.’

  Phoebe blinked. ‘Then what are you doing here?’

  ‘You’re still mad, aren’t you?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘I don’t even know why you’re angry with me. Cos I wanted to go to a party and you didn’t?

  Phoebe was about to bark out a snarky response when she realised, from Megan’s point of view, that was all that was happening. So why was she so angry?

  ‘We’re fine. Honestly’ she said, convincing herself. ‘But if Joy wants you to go to her room, why aren’t you there already? You fancy her, don’t you?’

  ‘You could tell?’ Megan asked, surprised.

  ‘You could see it from space.’

  ‘But… I’ve never even kissed a girl before. And she’s so… She’s probably done it loads.’

  ‘Probably.’

  ‘I won’t know what to do! And she called me a Baby Dyke!’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Yeah! I think it means I’m young and inexperienced or something.’

  ‘Then she knows you’re a virgin, doesn’t she?’ Phoebe reasoned. ‘She’s probably fine with it.’

  Megan seemed surprised by that. ‘Oh shit. Yeah.’

  Phoebe sighed. ‘You should just go.’

  Megan scrunched up her face, apparently summoning her courage. ‘You’re right. I’m gonna do it.’ She walked over to the bed and said ‘Thanks, buddy’, kissed Phoebe on the cheek and ran out.

  Phoebe stayed where she was, sat on the edge of her bed, the warmth and slight moisture of Megan’s lips still on her cheek. So now she knew for sure. Megan was about to have sex. With Joy. And she’d given her blessing because that’s what friends were supposed to do for each other. Support even the mistakes. So why did she want to scream?

  Just like that, she was angry all over again.

  Seventeen

  Megan smoothed her hair and adjusted her clothing, took a deep breath and tapped on the door. It opened and Joy was standing there, in all her angry hotness.

  ‘Get in’ she said, pulling Megan into the room. Megan allowed herself to be pulled, deciding to find it sexy rather than rude. ‘Wanna drink?’

  Megan said ‘Yeah’ and then looked around the room, noting that it was similar to hers and Phoebe’s. Two beds. ‘Have you got a roommate?’

  ‘Yeah, but don’t worry. She’s off shagging a guy from the kitchen tonight. No interruptions’ Joy replied, giving her a can of un-chilled lager.

  Megan nodded but she couldn’t think of anything to say so she pulled the tab on her can. It snapped off clean, without making a dent on the d
rink. She looked at the tab hanging from her finger and thought ‘Of course. Can’t be cool for even five seconds.’

  But Joy looked at the can and simply took it from her, putting it down casually. ‘Forget the drink anyway’ she said and sat down on the bed, patting the spot next to her. Megan felt like she was going to wee down her leg. But the feeling passed and she perched next to Joy, thankfully urine free.

  ‘So, you ever had a girl before?’ Joy asked, casually.

  Megan blinked. Joy wasn’t fucking around. ‘No’ she answered, truthfully and then wanted to kick herself. She should have lied. She could have said she’d run through half her year, bagging girls left and right. But then she realised that was completely stupid. Joy would expect her to bust out a load of sex tricks that she simply didn’t have. She had a rough idea of what she was supposed to do. But she knew there was probably a bit more to it than that. And Joy had probably done everything in the book. Megan hadn’t even read the book. She’d only skimmed the blurb.

  ‘That’s OK. I’ll steer you round the curves’ Joy said and began to lean in. Time seemed to slow down as she watched Joy’s lips coming toward her. Here it was. She was about to do it. She moistened her lips, closed her eyes and waited for Joy’s kiss.

  But it never came.

  LINGALINGALINGALINALINGA!

  Megan thought for a moment that the sound was happening inside her head, that loud, incessant, nasty ringing. Maybe she was getting hysterical tinnitus?

  But then Joy leaned away and yelled, ‘For fuck sakes!’

  It was the fire alarm.

  ‘It’s probably bollocks but I suppose we’d better make sure’ Joy said, standing up. Megan stood and followed, surprised at how relieved she was by the interruption.

  Outside, at the fire assembly point (main car park, near the go-kart track) some very annoyed staff members stood, in various stages of undress and sobriety. Megan was stood with Joy. But she wasn’t very concerned with her right now. She was trying to spot Phoebe.

  She began to ask around, but no one had seen her. Where the hell was she? There wasn’t any smoke coming out of the building but that didn’t mean there wasn’t a fire. And if Phoebe wasn’t out yet, did that mean she was stuck somewhere? Megan began to picture her trapped at the end of a corridor, a roaring blaze cutting her off from the fire escape. It was a dramatic image. But if it was even remotely possible, Megan had to get to her. To know she was safe.

  ‘Hey’ Joy said to her. ‘This’ll probably be over soon. The night doesn’t have to end here.’

  Megan glanced at Joy. ‘Yeah. Maybe. Look, I’ve got to find Phoebe, might find you later.’ And she walked toward the building. If she’d glanced back, she would have seen a look of utter shock on Joy’s face. But she didn’t. Her attention was on the building.

  Mike was between her and the doors of the sleeping quarters, holding a clipboard, fire marshalling the hell out of the situation. ‘Woah, cowgirl! Where do you think you’re going?’

  ‘I’m looking for my friend.’

  ‘What’s her name? I’ll check my list, see if she’s been ticked off.’

  ‘Phoebe Fitzgerald.’

  Mike scanned his list. ‘Don’t have her. She’s probably around here somewhere. I’ll have a look.’

  He walked away, talking to the crowds. Megan didn’t wait around to see if she would turn up. She slipped through the doors before Mike could notice.

  Eighteen

  Phoebe was alone in her room, pacing. There was no fire trapping her. In fact, there was no fire at all.

  In Phoebe’s hand was a small plastic hammer with a steel tip, the one she’d used to smash the safety glass and start the fire alarm. She didn’t realise she was still holding it. She was spinning out.

  Phoebe was trying to understand why she’d done this bananas thing. She was a good girl. She’d always been a good girl. She did what she was supposed to do, she was always where she was supposed to be and the rules mattered to her. And yet she’d just broken one of the major ones. She’d cried wolf when there was no wolf.

  There was one thing she knew. She’d done this to stop Megan having sex with Joy. And she’d done it after she’d encouraged Megan to do it. That was where the logic began to break down a bit.

  The door suddenly exploded open and Megan rushed in. ‘Thank fuck!’ she cried. Phoebe said nothing. ‘Are you OK?’ Megan asked her. ‘The fire alarm went off. Didn’t you hear it?

  Phoebe didn’t answer her.

  ‘You couldn’t have slept through it, it was so fucking loud’ Megan went on. And then her relief began to fade. She was starting to realise that she’d walked into an extremely weird vibe. ‘Pheebs, what’s-’ She suddenly saw what was in Phoebe’s hand. A small, red hammer. ‘What’s that?’

  Phoebe looked down in surprise to see the hammer. The one time she’d ever done something wrong and she was holding on to the most damning piece of evidence possible. ‘It’s the hammer for the fire alarm.’

  Megan did a double take. ‘What are you doing with it?’

  Phoebe tried to think of a reason she’d be holding it. But she wasn’t an experienced liar. All she had was the stupid truth. ‘I hit the alarm.’

  ‘Oh my god!’ Megan exclaimed. ‘What happened? Did you see it start?’

  ‘Megan… There’s no fire. There was never a fire.’

  Megan’s brow scrunched up, her confusion boundless. Phoebe had seen the same look on her face in maths, when she’d been asked to grapple with the concept of algebra. Utter bewilderment.

  ‘So why did you start the fire alarm? Was it another emergency? Like you saw someone breaking into the place?’

  Phoebe couldn’t understand why Megan was trying to assign some positive motive to what she’d done, why she wasn’t just asking ‘What the hell did you do that for, you fool?’ Then it hit her. Despite all evidence pointing to the truth, Megan would never believe she could do something like this for a bad reason. It was the same thing that was foxing Phoebe herself. Why had she done it? Phoebe wanted to know the answer to that even more than Megan did.

  At the front of it was the simple bit, she’d done it to box block Megan. Yes, she didn’t like Joy and that was mixed in with all this. But what else? Why had her dislike of Joy necessitated this mad move? Why had she cleared out a building to keep her away from her best friend? Megan was an adult, after all. If she wanted to make a mistake, then that was her business. So why was it so important that Megan did not sleep with Joy?

  The answer to that was so incredibly obvious, she couldn’t understand why it had only just hit her. Even when she smashed the glass, she didn’t know. But now it was like a giant, invisible hammer, smashing Phoebe over the head. The truth.

  She was jealous.

  ‘I started the fire alarm so you wouldn’t sleep with Joy’ she admitted, speaking like she was half asleep, just waking up.

  Megan blinked, no less confused than when she’d come in. ‘Why?’

  ‘I’m still trying to understand that but it’s… It’s something to do with feeling, I don’t know-’

  ‘Is it because I’m gonna pop my cherry before you?’ Megan interrupted, trying to pick this thing apart. ‘Because no one is more surprised than me that it’s happening this way around. But you’ve only got yourself to blame. You’re too choosy. You could have had your pick at Harewood.’

  ‘It’s not about that, Meg. I’m not that sad.’

  Megan tutted. ‘I never said it was sad. I just can’t understand-’

  ‘Then listen!’ Phoebe said angrily. ‘I’m jealous, OK? Of Joy. Because she was going to… be with you. And I guess I always took it for granted that you were, I don’t know… Mine.’

  Megan said nothing. And Phoebe kept talking. Something was coming out, something she’d buried deep. But with that breaking alarm, there was no denying it. She’d cracked more than glass, she’d cracked something else open too, something in herself. And she was hearing all this with nearly as much surprise as Meg
an, understanding as she talked.

  ‘We’ve been friends since forever. I can’t even picture you not being around. But I didn’t think about things like that when we were twelve. Even when you told me you were gay, I didn’t think about any of… This.’

  ‘Any of what?’ Megan asked quietly.

  ‘I think it’s obvious what I mean’ Phoebe sighed, her eyes turned away from Megan.