Waiting for the Punchline

by Natasha West

  ‘One of those?’ Megan said, trying not to laugh. ‘What’s one of those, exactly?’

  Phoebe whispered, ‘An orgasm.’

  ‘Why are you whispering? It’s just you and me’ Megan said, amused.

  Phoebe tutted and smiled. And then the smile dropped. ‘I don’t know if I’m going to be able to do that. For you.’

  Megan made a pfft noise. ‘Yes, you will.’

  ‘Seriously. You’re good at that. I’ve never actually even touched myself’ Phoebe admitted, embarrassed.

  Megan’s eyes went wide. ‘You’re kidding!’

  ‘No, why? Do you do it a lot?’

  ‘Every chance I get’ Megan said and then realised that didn’t sound so great. ‘I’m not doing it constantly or anything. Just a few times a week.’

  Phoebe began to feel a concern. Was it weird that she didn’t do it? She’d thought about it many times, when she was in bed at night. But she always ended up picturing her parents in the next room. She had this vague notion that if she touched herself, she’d be letting them down somehow.

  ‘Look’ Megan assured her. ‘Worked up as I am right now, there’s no pressure on you at all. If you touched me for a second, I’ll probably explode.’

  Phoebe giggled nervously. It did make her feel better. And then Megan kissed her and she began to relax again.

  It turned out Megan was wrong. It didn’t take a second. It took about twenty.

  Twenty-One

  It was two days till the end of the summer season at Dinkles and Phoebe and Megan were in the kind of daze that only a lot of sex can induce. They were both a lot more confident about it now. They could barely keep their hands off one another. But sooner or later, someone would be forced to leave the room to do their jobs and it was like being ripped away from each other, every single time.

  And on that penultimate day, Megan found herself in the bunny, counting the minutes till she saw Phoebe again when five-year-old boy who was more the size of a ten-year-old jumped on her back, shouting ‘I’m a cowboy!’ Megan went sprawling, truly winded. The over exuberant boy’s Mum came flying in, shouting ‘Shane! Calm down!’, grabbing the boy off. Megan sat up, trying to catch her breath. ‘Soz, love’ Shane’s Mum said as she dragged him away. ‘Too much sugar.’

  Mike dashed over and pulled her to her feet. ‘Megan? Are you alright?’

  Megan nodded.

  ‘Why don’t you knock off early? Get your breath back.’

  Megan didn’t need to be told twice. She strode quickly out of the chaotic play area, dashing past the kids who looked like they might want to have a play with her. Megan usually liked the kids but not right now. They’d been treating her like a trampoline all summer and she was just about over it.

  Every day was a new bruise. Once, she’d had a child leap directly off the top of the slide that went into the ball pit, obviously deciding that the slide wasn’t a direct enough route to the balls. Unfortunately, Megan had been wandering past at the time and been kicked straight in the face. The bunny head was thick, which was probably the only reason she hadn’t gotten a broken nose. Instead, she’d walked away with a cut lip and a nose bleed.

  As she sat in the break room, bunny head removed and on the table, a coke from the vending machine in her hand, she wandered what Phoebe was up to right this moment. Probably taking shit from Joy the Angry Drummer. She’d apparently gotten wind of the romance between them and wasn’t best pleased to have lost out to Phoebe. But Megan wasn’t too worried for Phoebe. She could handle Joy.

  ‘Natalie, don’t be such a dumbass’ said a voice from outside the door and then the voice’s owner slammed into the break room. It was Casey, from the improv group, The Pickle Pickers. She didn’t notice Megan. She was too angry. ‘We’ve got the next gig lined up. Why on earth would you quit now? You quit when you can’t get work. And we’ve actually got some.’

  Directly behind her was Natalie, a little red in the face. ‘I’m sorry but that’s my decision’ she was explaining to Casey. ‘I’m not good at this. I only got in the group because my sister left and she forced me to take her place. I thought if I gave it time that I’d get into it. But I hate comedy. I hate the audience, I hate the hot lights, and I fucking hate ‘Yes, And.’ Sometimes I just want to say ‘No.’

  ‘So what the hell are you going to do?’

  ‘I’m going to Guildford Polytechnic to get my B.A in computer science.’

  Casey was horrified. ‘Guildford? Well, if you’d choose that over improv, there’s no fucking hope for you at all.’

  Natalie shrugged. ‘Will you send the group my apologies?’

  ‘You’re not even going to do the final show? You’re just going to leave us in the lurch?’

  ‘You’ll be alright.’

  ‘There’s only three of us right now, two without you. Freddy broke his toe doing that backflip off the stage.’

  ‘Yeah and I don’t know why he did that. The situation didn’t really call for a backflip.’

  ‘And that’s why he landed wrong. He was putting his ego ahead of the group and he paid with a broken toe. I’m begging you, do not do the same. Just do tonight.’

  ‘I can’t, Casey. I’ve got to be at orientation early tomorrow.’

  ‘Natalie… you’re a fuckwit. That’s all I’ve got to say’ Casey said with finality.

  ‘Nice working with you too’ Natalie replied, and walked out of the breakroom.

  Casey looked at the ceiling and roared like a lion enraged. Only then did she turn to see Megan. ‘Oh, hello’ Casey said, not particularly embarrassed to have been seen screaming at the sky. ‘I suppose you caught all that?’

  Of course, Megan had. She’d been sitting at the other end of the room, completely frozen so as not to break up the show that had just turned up to entertain her. She only wished she’d had some popcorn. ‘Yep. And I’ve got to say, I’m with you. Natalie does seem like a bit of a fuckwit.’

  ‘Right?’ Casey said, sitting down with Megan. Megan wasn’t sure what to say. She hadn’t thought Casey was going to join her. But Casey seemed oblivious. ‘You’re the rabbit?’

  ‘Yeah, Megan. I’m on a break because one of the kids had too much sugar and decided he was Hulk Hogan.’

  Casey nodded, smiling. ‘I like your energy, Megan. Ever do improv?’

  ‘What? No’ Megan said, thrown.

  ‘I need a third and we’re on in an hour. Wanna do it?’

  Megan was having trouble keeping up. ‘But I just told you, I’ve never done it. I don’t even know what it involves.’

  ‘That’s the thing about improv. You can improvise. And you’re kind of a performer, aren’t you? You get into character, make the kids laugh?’

  Megan wasn’t swayed. ‘It’s really not like what you do. I just wave my hands and run about and let them hug me for the maximum legal amount of time.’

  ‘Honestly, I’m desperate. And you’ll do’ Casey begged.

  Megan started to laugh nervously. ‘Sorry, I don’t-’

  ‘Megan, what we do is fun, creative and it requires very little preparation. Give me ten minutes to tell you about it and you’ll be ready to go on stage. And if you shit the bed, it’ll be my fault. But you don’t need to worry, because me and Greg will carry you until you find your feet. We just need a bit of backup. No one’s expecting you to be hilarious. You can leave that to me and Greg. We’re the professional comedians. Just remember, it’s always ‘Yes, And.’ Agree to our prompts and build on them.’

  Megan was about to say no again when she started to wonder why she was going to say no. What did it matter if she went on stage and made a tit of herself? She’d been doing that for weeks.

  ‘Oh’ Megan exclaimed, remembering something. ‘Yes, And how much does it pay?’

  Casey laughed. ‘Thirty quid?’

  ‘Call it fifty and I’ll do it’ Megan said cheekily.

  Twenty-Two

  Phoebe was waiting outside the kids play area for Megan, as she did e
very day. And Megan was late, as she was every day. But Phoebe was inclined to a feel a little more lenient about Megan’s timekeeping these days. Especially after the last few weeks. She’d barely had any sleep and she was exhausted. But she didn’t care a bit. She was walking on air.

  It was funny, every time she and Megan had done something that necessitated the changing of clothes – swimming, PE, etc – Phoebe had always gone to incredible pains to make sure that she never saw Megan in the nude. And vice versa. It wasn’t that she was uncomfortable with nakedness… No, wait. Yes, it was that. She had grown up in a house that had been full of people that locked the bathroom door without fail. She’d heard stories about people seeing their parents’ various naked wobbly bits but she’d never seen either of her parent’s bodies above the knee or below the neck. So nudity had a certain unnaturalness to it for Phoebe. But now she and Megan were spending a lot of time naked with one another. And once she’d gotten over the desire to giggle, it had begun to feel sensational. She couldn’t wait for the next time she felt Megan against her.

  Still, she worried every time might be the last. She didn’t know why. But since Megan had said she loved her and she was going to follow her to Manchester, perhaps it was time to relax, to let herself feel Megan was a sure thing.

  ‘Phoebe’ Megan cried, running out of the building, looking flushed. She usually did look a bit warm from her time in the bunny suit but today, the colour in her cheeks was different. It wasn’t over-heatedness. It was excitement.

  ‘Did you get double items from the vending machine again?’ Phoebe asked her.

  ‘No, even better. No, actually, not better than that. But still cool. I’m going on with the Pickle Pickers!’

  Phoebe looked confused. ‘What?’

  ‘Yeah, one of improv group quit and they need another person. I was in the right time and place so I’m going on with them.’

  ‘Oh. Is that good?’

  ‘Yeah! Fifty quid.’

  ‘And you want to do this?’ she asked, amused.

  ‘Yeah. I think it’ll be fun. I mean, it’ll be fun in that way that makes you want to wet your knickers in fear, but still, how cool is that?’

  Phoebe had never seen Megan look so excited about something that she couldn’t eat. She liked it.

  ‘Yeah, I guess it is. When you on?’

  ‘Half an hour. So I gotta run and shower. Can I catch up with you later?’

  ‘I’m going on in about an hour myself’ Phoebe said. She’d been hoping to snatch just a little time before she had to go and stand next to angry Joy, to fortify herself. But she wouldn’t stand in the way of Megan’s excitement for anything. ‘I guess I’ll see you later in our room?’

  Megan was disappointed. ‘I was hoping you might come and watch.’

  Phoebe smiled, pleased that Megan wanted her there. And she wanted to be there, if she could be. ‘I can probably catch the first half hour.’

  ‘Great!’ Megan said, kissing her on the cheek and running off. ‘See you later!’ she called over her shoulder.

  Phoebe watched her run. Megan wouldn’t even run for a bus usually. It was wonderful to see.

  Phoebe sat down in the small auditorium, looking around to see the ‘Crowd.’ The place was just under half full.

  A hush fell on the room and the lights went down. A curtain went back and then it was happening. Megan was on stage with two other people, a guy and a girl, Casey and Greg. Casey introduced the group, did some spiel and then explained that the audience would help in getting things off the ground with suggestions. She asked for a location, a situation. She got back ‘A job interview’ and ‘At a funeral home.’

  And off they went, Casey and Greg taking the lead at first while Megan sat back like wet lettuce. Casey pretended to be the interviewer, while Greg got the job of answering questions while Megan waited for her turn in the imaginary waiting room, AKA a seat at the side of the stage.

  After some predictable back and forth between Greg and Casey, interrupted by the occasional cough from the silent audience, it was clear to Phoebe that it wasn’t going too well. Casey was doing her best but the problem was Greg. He was trying but it was clear that he wasn’t naturally funny. After ten minutes, it started to get painful and the audience were fidgeting in their seats, no doubt wondering how to slip out without attracting any attention.

  Phoebe glanced over at Megan and she saw something in her eyes, in her body, a certain energy she didn’t recognise at all. And then, without any invitation from the other people on the stage, Megan stood from her seat and walked straight into the scene and into the middle of a speech that Greg was giving about his past jobs.

  ‘Hey, I’m here about the job?’ she announced.

  Greg and Casey froze for a second and then Casey glanced at the audience and Phoebe could tell she was in a bind about how to deal with it. In the end, she had no choice but to run with the interruption.

  ‘Yes, but I’m just dealing with the first applicant-’

  ‘No’ Megan said, looking at Greg in horror. ‘You can’t hire him. He’s a known necrophiliac.’

  Casey wasn’t ready for that. Her eyes nearly burst out of her head as she said, ‘He’s a…?’

  ‘Yeah, I’ve heard about him on the… undertaker’s… grapevine. He’ll never pass the CRB check, I can tell you that for nothing.’

  A few people started to titter lightly and Phoebe watched as Megan seemed to take confidence from it. Greg didn’t seem to like this new direction, but he didn’t have a ton of choice. ‘Madam, how dare you’ he said, standing wearily. ‘I’ve never been inappropriate with a corpse. I have only the utmost respect-’

  ‘In fairness, he does take them on dates first. Not very practical though. It took them hours to prise that old lady out of the rollercoaster.’

  Laughter started to build. Phoebe glanced around and people looked a lot less distracted. They all wanted to know where Megan would take the scene next.

  ‘But I get it, man’ Megan said, conversationally. ‘I mean, necrophilia does mean never having to say you’re sorry.’

  There were groans and laughs as people rode the line between disgust and amusement. Phoebe could see that Greg wasn’t too happy at being Megan’s prop. But Casey seemed pleased enough. At least no one was leaving.

  And that was how the next twenty minutes passed. Megan showboating riotously while Greg and Casey tried to hang on for dear life as they moved from one crazy scenario to the next.

  Phoebe was genuinely sorry to have to leave, especially as Megan was hitting her stride. People were still laughing as Phoebe crept out of the back, hoping that Megan wouldn’t notice her going.

  But Megan was in the limelight. She didn’t notice anything that wasn’t happening on the stage.

  Twenty-Three

  Megan watched the curtains close, but the clapping continued. She knew the applause was for her. She was high on it, as though it were a drug. She’d had the laughter of strangers injected directly into her veins. And something in her knew she was hooked.

  It made her think back to that time in the changing rooms, when she’d rescued Phoebe from the dreaded Melissa, simply by making the room laugh. Since then, she’d gotten other group laughs, saying the odd well-timed line in the classroom. But she’d never really given it much thought, the funny thing. Now she felt like someone had just pulled back a veil, revealing something to her, something about herself, something about her life, something about the world and the place she wanted to have in it.

  She wanted to do this again. And again. And again.

  ‘Oy!’ Greg said, once he was sure he wouldn’t be overheard by the front of the building. ‘That was bloody greedy.’

  Megan looked at him shocked. ‘I’m sorry, I guess I just got a bit carried away.’

  Greg’s face showed no forgiveness but Casey suddenly jumped in. ‘Greg, don’t be a div. She did good.’

  Megan tried not to beam into Greg’s angry face too hard.

  �
��But you did get a touch selfish out there’ Casey added. ‘Just remember next time, there’s two other people on the stage with you. Three when Freddy’s toe mends.’

  ‘Next time?’ Megan repeated.

  ‘Yeah. We’re going to London after this, gotta few gigs lined up. I presume you’re coming.’

  ‘You’re offering me a job?’

  ‘Yep. You’re way better than Natalie was anyway. And she’d been doing it for a whole year.’

  Megan wanted to grab Casey’s face and scream ‘Yes, yes, a thousand times yes’ into it. But she somehow managed to play it cool. ‘I’m not sure.’