To Be a Mother

by Rebecca Winters

  After his daughter picked up the covered tin of cupcakes, they went out to the garage and he started the motor of their silver Xtera. En route to the teepee over by the visitors’ center, he phoned headquarters to find out if he had any messages.

  There were five of them, four names he recognized. There were no emergencies, and he could wait until Monday when he was back in his office to return the calls.

  The message from a woman named Lori Watts was something else again. He’d never dated a Lori or had dealings with one on a professional basis. Her name rang no bells. He glanced at his watch. It was twenty to six, probably too late for anyone to answer. But the fact that he’d been asked to call collect gave him pause.

  “Hold on a minute, Mindy.”

  He pulled into the parking lot, which was filling fast, and drew a notebook and pen from the glove compartment. “Okay. Go ahead and give me the Watts number.”

  More curious than ever because it was an Idaho area code, he wrote it down. Maybe some of the trout in Idaho waters had whirling disease, too. After thanking the receptionist, he clicked off, then punched in the digits.

  His daughter’s protesting sigh resounded in the vehicle’s interior.

  “Honey, give me thirty seconds to find out if this is urgent, then Daddy Warbucks is all yours for the rest of the night.”

  “Promise?”

  He nodded.

  She opened her door. “I’ll take in the cupcakes and be right back so we can make our grand entrance.”

  “It’s a deal.”

  Distracted by everyone in their costumes, Nick was ready to hang up on the fifth ring when a female voice said hello. Unless he had the wrong number, he found it odd she didn’t say something to identify herself.

  “This is Nick Kincaid returning Lori Watts’ call.”

  After a silence she said, “You were supposed to phone collect.”

  Her voice sounded vaguely familiar but he couldn’t place it. “Is this Ms. Watts?”

  “No.”

  He frowned. “Is she there?”

  “No. She’s gone home, but it doesn’t matter because I’m the one who wanted to talk to you.”

  Nick had reached the end of his patience. He could do without Halloween pranksters. “Who is this?” he demanded, ready to click off.

  “If I tell you, you’ll hang up on me, which is your right. But if I don’t tell you, I’ll never find the courage to do this again.”

  What in the hell?

  “Forgive me, Nick. I—I’m not trying to be deliberately provocative.”

  The slight catch in her voice, the way she said his name, hurled him back through time. His heart slammed into his ribs so hard it hurt to breathe.

  “Sam…” he whispered.

  “Yes. I’ll make this fast. I’ve been battling cancer for a year and a half. At first I thought the transplant and chemo hadn’t done me any good, but two days ago some tests proved my cancer has gone into remission. For how long, only God knows.

  “I’m doing everything possible to fight it so it won’t come back. The other night my pastor asked me if my life was in order. Was there anything I needed to resolve that might help me keep the disease at bay?”

  Lord.

  “Resolve isn’t the right word. He should have asked me, ‘Is there anything I want?’ Then I could have told him I want to go back thirteen years to that hospital room and beg you to bring our daughter to me so we could be a family.”

  Soul-destroying pain and anger ripped through Nick’s body. “It’s too late to ask to see her.”

  “I know, but I had to take the risk. Nick? W-would it be possible for me to look at her from a distance?” she stammered. “Just so I had an idea of what she’s like? She would never have to know. If you were at a mall or something, and I was hiding so she couldn’t see me, I swear I wouldn’t reveal myself.”

  The desperation in her voice was killing him. “I don’t think it’s a good idea, Sam.”

  A palpable silence ensued, followed by such a tortured sob, he knew he couldn’t handle this conversation much longer.

  “You’re right,” she replied at last. “Thank you for not cutting me off.” He could hear her voice shaking. “You always did have more nobility in one little finger than anyone else I’ve ever met had in their whole body. I’m sure the woman you ended up marrying considers it your greatest character trait.

  “Tonight when you’re kissing your children, give Jessica an extra squeeze. She won’t know it’s from me, but I will. Through you I’ll be able to feel her in my arms, because I know what your arms feel like. I’ve forgotten nothing. Goodbye, Nick.”

  His low groan coincided with a rap on the window. He jerked his head around to discover a tall man in a Herman Munster costume peering at him through the glass. In the next instant Pierce had flung off the mask and opened the door.

  “Nick—you look like you’re going to pass out!”

  That was one way to describe his condition.

  “How can I help?”

  “Dear God, Pierce—I don’t believe what just happened.”

  His friend’s compassionate blue eyes studied him with alarm. “Jess said you were on the phone and asked me to come and get you. Who were you talking to? What the hell’s going on?”

  Another groan escaped Nick’s throat.

  “Can you still drive?”

  He nodded.

  Without saying a word, Pierce shut the door. He walked around the car and got in the passenger side. “Drive to the back of headquarters, where we can talk in private.”

  As Nick pulled out of the parking lot, Pierce called his wife. He told her a small emergency had arisen, and asked her to keep an eye on Jessica until they returned.

  “Okay,” he said, putting the cell phone in his pocket. “Everything’s taken care of.”

  The skeletal night staff had parked in front of headquarters. Nick braked at the rear of the building and shut off the headlights.

  Pierce turned toward him. “In all the years I’ve known you, I haven’t ever seen you in this kind of pain. It must have something to do with your past.”

  “Your instincts are never wrong,” Nick muttered. “When Mindy gave me my messages a little while ago, one of them was from a person named Lori Watts. I was asked to call her collect.” He took a breath.

  “The name meant nothing, but I sensed it might be important so I asked Jessica to give me a minute to call the woman back before I went inside the teepee.”

  “And this Lori turned out to be Jess’s mother?”

  “Yes.” Nick’s eyes closed tightly. “For the last year and a half she’s been battling cancer. Evidently it has gone into remission. Now she wants to see our daughter.”

  “Good Lord.”

  “I told her it was too late.”

  “How did she handle that?” his friend asked in a quiet voice.

  Tears prickled beneath Nick’s lids. “With amazing grace before she bade me a final goodbye.” He pounded the steering wheel with his fist. “What am I going to do, Pierce?”

  “What do you want to do?”

  Nick couldn’t articulate his thoughts, not when Sam’s words still filled his head, blotting out his ability to reason.

  “You’ve known a call like this would come one day.”

  Pierce read him like a book. He nodded. “I expected her to get in touch with me years ago. You’ll never know how I ached to hear her voice telling me she’d made a mistake and wanted to be with me and Jessica forever.

  “But in those dreams she’d been young and eager. I’m afraid the threat of death didn’t play a part in any of the scenarios created by my imagination.”

  “No. It’s the one finality none of us is prepared for.”

  Nick glanced at his friend. “If anyone understands, you do. When Linda was killed, I honestly don’t know how you handled it.”

  “As I look back, I’m convinced the only reason I did is because we didn’t have any issues left unresolved. But Je
ssica’s mother has been given a second chance at life. I have to presume the soul searching she has been through led her to make that phone call.”

  A cry of grief escaped Nick’s lips. “I can’t believe I just told a woman who thought she’d be dead by now that she couldn’t see the daughter she gave birth to, not even from a distance. What kind of a monster does that make me?”

  “You were speaking as Jess’s loving father, a great man who has done everything to make her life happy and shield her from pain.”

  “But do I have the right to go on shielding her, knowing what I know now?” he cried.

  “Give it time and the answer will come, Nick.”

  “Except that Sam doesn’t know how much time she has been given.”

  “Does anyone after they’ve gone into remission?”

  Nick bowed his head. “No. Some people stay there for the rest of their lives. Some have recurring bouts….” He let his voice trail off.

  “Maybe she’s one of the lucky ones. Is she well enough to travel?”

  Nick stared blindly out the windshield. “I don’t know. I shut her down too fast.”

  “Then you didn’t find out if she has a husband or family?”

  “No. She assumes I’m married and have other children besides Jessica. The call ended before I could disabuse her of those facts.”

  “I’m sure the thought has occurred to you that a less honorable woman, one centered only on herself, might have shown up at your door without warning and caused real trouble.”

  This was agony. “Where was that honor when she wouldn’t let me bring her own flesh and blood to her in that hospital bed?”

  “Perhaps if you saw her again, she could explain so you would understand.”

  “I’ll never understand, Pierce. But this situation isn’t about me.”

  “Does Jess have a driving need to find her mother?”

  “Not that I’m aware of. All I’ve told her is that Sam was underage when we found out she was pregnant, and that her parents prevailed on her to give up the baby. Jessica has never questioned that explanation. But since I haven’t encouraged her to talk about her mother, for all I know my daughter has been harboring feelings she has been afraid to share for fear of hurting me.”

  “It would only be natural. If ever a daughter loved her dad…”

  “How in heaven am I going to keep a secret like this from her?”

  “Some people I know could manage it. You’re not one of them, because you have too much integrity. Whatever you choose to do, I have no doubt it will be the right thing for everyone.”

  “Then you have a lot more faith in me than I do.” After expelling the breath he’d been holding, Nick pulled on his mask and started the car. “Tell Leslie I’m indebted to her for helping Jessica with my costume. Little did I know I was going to be thankful for this camouflage.”

  “Amen,” Pierce muttered as he put on his own mask.

  “THIS IS SUCH A GREAT condo, Samantha. I love it more every time I come over.”

  She eyed Marilyn May, who’d become more than a best friend and confidante. “You always say that.”

  The two women, still dressed in their sweats, sat curled up on opposite couches facing each other with mugs of herbal tea in hand. After their Saturday morning sessions of qigong, they looked forward to this time of sharing.

  “The view of Coeur D’Alene Lake is beautiful, even if it’s raining. When you’ve lived in the desert all your life, this is paradise.”

  “I like it, too, especially because the balcony overlooks McEuen Park and I can see the downtown area as well. When another condo in the building goes up for sale, I’ll let you know right away.”

  Marilyn set her mug on the teakwood coaster. “I’m afraid I’ll be going home to Phoenix before that, but thank you for thinking of me.”

  The revelation brought more pain to Samantha, who would never recover from last evening’s experience of hearing Nick’s voice. She’d taken the greatest risk of her life. As it turned out, her chances for licking cancer, at least for now, were greater than those for being allowed to see her daughter.

  “So you’ve decided to let your parents take care of you when you go through your series of chemo next month?”

  Marilyn nodded. “I’ve fought burdening them for so long that I think they’re worse off than I am.”

  “I can’t bear to see you go, but I know all about not wanting to be a burden. For the last thirteen years I’ve suffered the consequences because of that decision, and I can tell you now it’s not worth it. You’re much wiser than I ever was.”

  “Stop crucifying yourself. You didn’t want Nick to feel he had to marry you.”

  “I should have believed in him, in us.”

  “You were afraid to trust in Nick’s love. It’s perfectly understandable, when you were so young and influenced by your parents and grandparents. They only wanted the best for you and your baby.”

  “I know. In the end, my baby got the best. Nick’s the best there is. That’s my consolation.”

  “Samantha? Now that you’re in remission, would you be willing to visit me in Phoenix next month? There’s plenty of room, a swimming pool in the backyard.”

  The invitation hadn’t been extended lightly. Over the last year their friendship had come to mean everything to both of them due to their common enemy. They’d been through so much together.

  Samantha had been an only child, and Marilyn represented the sister she’d never had. The friends she’d made at law school and at the wildlife federation were great. But she felt a spiritual closeness to Marilyn, who reciprocated those feelings although she had two other sisters.

  “Tell you what. I’ll talk to Reed about the possibility of my doing work for the federation long distance for a couple of weeks. He’s been a very understanding boss so far.”

  “That would be wonderful.”

  “I agree.” Samantha swallowed hard. “Though my parents have been saints and have done everything possible for me, I don’t know how I would have made it this far without you.”

  “I feel the same. No one else understands the way you do. To be honest, I don’t want to go through the chemo without you to talk to,” Marilyn admitted.

  Samantha stared at her dear friend and smiled. “Depending on what Reed says, you won’t have to.”

  BY THREE IN THE AFTERNOON Nick had gutted the last dead trout from below the dam and had prepared some slides for examination. Jessica had spent the day helping him gather the rest of the water and soil samples, which she was now putting in his carrying case.

  A recent snowstorm over the park had made the work more difficult, but she hadn’t once complained. After they’d won first place in the costume contest last night, his daughter’s mood was euphoric.

  All day he’d tried to find the courage to talk to her about a subject that was going to change her life, but the moment never seemed to present itself.

  So far she hadn’t seemed to pick up on his private agony. Maybe that was because she was looking forward to their plans for the evening.

  The organizers of the Halloween party had given them the grand prize—two free movie passes and two gift certificates for an Italian dinner in Jackson. As soon as they got back to Moose and showered, he planned to drive them into town to return their rental costumes and celebrate their winnings.

  “Dad? How come you’ve been so quiet since last night?” she asked after they’d been driving for a few minutes.

  Nick stifled a groan. He hadn’t fooled his daughter, after all.

  “I’m always concerned when I find unexplained problems in natural habitats.”

  “I noticed Pierce was really quiet.”

  “You know he always has a lot on his mind.”

  “I think you do, too. Do you want to talk about it?”

  His daughter had turned the tables on him. When had she grown so wise?

  The moment he’d been waiting for had come. He couldn’t avoid it any longer.
r />   “Yes. I do.”

  Her eyes rounded in surprise as he brought the truck to a halt on the slushy shoulder of the road. “What’s wrong, Dad?” She looked and sounded anxious.

  “Let me ask you a question first.” Inside his chest, his heart was pounding like a sledgehammer. “If you had a chance to meet your mother, how would you feel about that?”

  He’d already made up his mind he wouldn’t tell her about Sam’s battle with cancer or the fact that she was in remission. Any decision on his daughter’s part needed to come from a gut reaction, not sympathy or pity.

  “Was she the person who asked you to call her back last night?”

  Nick could barely breathe. “Yes.”

  “Was it hard to talk to her?”

  He jerked his head toward her. “Hard?”

  She nodded. Her capacity to feel empathy endeared her to him in ways he couldn’t explain.

  “I have to admit it was.”

  “If you don’t want me to meet her, I won’t.”

  “Jessica…” He fought not to give way to the dichotomy of emotions exploding inside him. “This doesn’t have anything to do with me. She gave you birth. Now she’s asking to see you.”

  His daughter stared at him for the longest time. “Would you do it if you were my age and the same thing was happening to you?” Her purity and earnestness utterly defeated him.

  Jessica might not know a lot about the past, but he’d never been dishonest with the things he’d been forced to tell her. If he lied to her now, it would be a betrayal of everything he believed in.

  “I’m sure I would.”

  “Where does she live?”

  “She phoned from Idaho, but that’s all I know.”

  “Does she want me to call her?”

  “Is that what you would like to do?”

  It was a foolish question. He didn’t need to hear the answer because he could already see her heart in those hopeful, thirteen-year-old eyes.

  The deed had been done. Heaven help them all.

  CHAPTER THREE

  “SAMANTHA? Line two for you.”

  She glanced at her watch. Four-thirty already. Monday was almost over. “Do you know who it is? Unless it’s important, I’m finishing up a brief for court in the morning.”