To Be a Mother

by Rebecca Winters

  “Swirling disease. The good news is there’s no outbreak above the dam. If the men at the spillway will do a series of flushing flows, that ought to wash out the spores. They could have been lurking there for thirty years. It’s anyone’s guess why the mud brought them back to life. I’ll have a full report on your desk Monday morning.”

  “Great work as usual. I’ll call Ralph at the dam and get things moving.” They both walked out to the parking lot.

  Pierce clapped him on the shoulder. “Agonizing as this is, you’re doing the right thing for your daughter, Nick.”

  “I realize that. Just knowing her mother wants to see her has done something for her I could never do.”

  “That’s true. All you can do is go on being the terrific father you already are.”

  “I hope it’ll be enough, Pierce, because Jessica’s riding for a fall.”

  “Unfortunately, our children aren’t exempt from pain.”

  Their eyes locked. “In Cory’s case, he overcame his pain when he gained a new mother. My little girl’s pain is going to start as soon as she meets her mother for the first time and Sam does something to disappoint her. Then there won’t be a thing in hell I can do about it,” Nick said in a quiet voice.

  “You already have done something by making tonight possible. Meeting her mother is going to answer many questions for Jess. No matter what the future holds, she’ll be a stronger, more confident woman for it.”

  Nick grimaced. “I’ll try to keep that in mind when everything hits the fan. Thanks for being there.”

  “You mean the way you were there for me when I was shattered?”

  They didn’t come any better than Pierce.

  “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, if not before.” With that, Nick climbed in his truck and took off. Already he was anticipating a lecture from Jessica about getting home later than he’d promised.

  She didn’t disappoint him. The second he walked into the kitchen from the garage she said, “We’re going to be late, Dad! You’ll have to take a quick shower. I put out the charcoal suit and blue shirt you wore to Pierce’s wedding.”

  “I appreciate your thoughtfulness, honey, but I’m not getting dressed up.”

  She followed him down the hall to his bedroom. “How come? We’re going out to dinner!”

  Up to this point he’d tried to fall in with her wishes, but this was one time where he had to draw the line.

  “Your mother invited you for dinner. Once we’ve all said hello, I’m not going to stay.”

  Her face fell. “Why?”

  He started unbuttoning the shirt of his uniform. “I’ve had you to myself for thirteen years. She’s only asking for one evening. With me there, you won’t be able to talk freely.”

  She didn’t have an immediate comeback, which meant she couldn’t refute his reasoning. Finally she said, “Where will you be?”

  “I’ll grab a steak at the Cowboy Grub.”

  He’d been thinking of asking out the new manager of the restaurant, an attractive brunette named Amber Sharp. The last few times he’d been in, she’d done everything except stand on her head to get him to make a date with her. Now would be a good time to follow up on her interest.

  “When you’re ready for me to pick you up, call me on my cell phone.” He chucked her chin. “I like that sweater and skirt you’re wearing. You look beautiful.”

  “Thanks,” she whispered in a tremulous voice. “Leslie took me shopping.”

  “Pierce’s wife has good dress sense.”

  He disappeared into the bathroom, making further conversation impossible. His daughter might feel as if he was abandoning her, but he couldn’t see another way of dealing with the situation. The fact that Sam was a recovering cancer patient only exacerbated the violent emotions churning inside him. The less contact between them, the better.

  A half hour later he backed the car out of the garage and they were on their way to Jackson.

  “Dad?”

  He heard a lot of angst in that one word. His hands tightened on the steering wheel. “Yes?”

  “The ninth grade girls’ association has planned a mother-and-daughter party for next Friday night. We’re going to have a talent show and a sleepover in the gym.”

  Here it comes.

  “I was going to ask Leslie if she would go with me, but now that my moth—”

  “Hold on, honey.” Nick broke in before she could say another word. They hadn’t even left the park boundary so she could meet her mother for the first time, yet already his daughter was anticipating a future that included the woman who’d given her up at birth.

  Only now did Nick realize how long he’d been deluding himself that his daughter hadn’t missed having a mother. All these years he’d tried to be both mother and father to her, but that wasn’t possible. He understood that now.

  A woman was required for the mother’s role. And if that woman was Jessica’s biological mother?

  Through some mystical bond that defied logic, his daughter had already accepted and embraced Sam into her life, sight unseen.

  For thirteen years it had been just he and Jessica. His daughter hadn’t wanted anyone else.

  Only recently had she reached out to Leslie, who was safe. Because she was another man’s wife, she couldn’t come between Nick and Jessica to ruin their father-daughter relationship.

  Yet all Jessica had to do was hear that the woman who’d signed away all rights to her child, the woman who hadn’t once held her baby or looked at her in that hospital, the woman who hadn’t come near her in all these years, suddenly wanted to see her. In an instant, this stranger had full access to his daughter’s mind and heart. No password needed.

  Nick’s lips twisted in bitter pain at the irony.

  His daughter had even been willing to give up her baby-sitting money to get her mother a room because she lived alone and didn’t have anyone to look after her.

  His poor, innocent Jessica. If Sam hadn’t married, it wasn’t because she’d lacked opportunity. She’d been a raving beauty. That, combined with a great mind, assured that any man would have been attracted to her. She wouldn’t have gone without a lover all these years. Probably a fellow attorney on her same wavelength.

  “Dad? I’m sorry if I said something that made you mad.”

  He swallowed hard. “I’m not mad, honey. I just want you to slow down. It’s taken thirteen years for her to even attempt to make contact with you. She may not be married or have other children, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t involved with a man who has other claims on her time.”

  “You’re not. Involved with another woman, I mean. Maybe it’s the same with her. Maybe she’s a workaholic like you.”

  He darted her a stunned glance. “Is that what you think I am?”

  “Yes,” she answered with gut-wrenching honesty. “Whenever I go over to Logan’s to baby-sit, his dad always says ‘doesn’t that workaholic father of yours ever knock off early?”’

  Nick had to stop the rebuttal he could have made in defense of his actions. Like the fact that in the last five years, every relationship he’d had with a woman had been sabotaged.

  No one could do it better than his pint-size daughter, who managed to get stomachaches and hysterical crying spells the moment she sensed her daddy’s interest strayed from her, however temporarily.

  It was another strange irony that for the first time in their lives his daughter was showing an interest in someone besides him. Now Nick seemed to be the one who suddenly had a stomachache and was feeling hysterical.

  “Dad?”

  He knew what was coming. No force on earth could stop it.

  “If my mother wanted to go to the party with me and could find the time, would it be all right with you?”

  CHAPTER FOUR

  AT SIX-TWENTY, Samantha left her room and walked down the corridor to the lobby. She planted herself on a bench at the side of the entry so she’d be able to see Nick and their daughter before they spotted her.

>   She could hear the music of a live country-and-western band coming from the bar. Judging by the number of people filing into the lodge, bringing the cold air with them, the restaurant located down the hallway near the bar was a popular place to dine.

  Her heart fluttered faster than it had the first time she was given her prechemo medication to control anxiety and nausea. That was a black period, when she didn’t know if she would survive her disease.

  At twenty-five to seven she stood up unable to sit still any longer. That’s when she spied a tall, powerfully built male with dark-brown hair appear at the entrance. While he held the door open for their redheaded daughter, Samantha’s hungry eyes fastened on him first.

  The promise of the man in the boy had come to fruition.

  Like the rugged Tetons thrusting majestically in the rarified air, the father of Samantha’s baby was every bit as spectacular. Beneath a sheepskin jacket similar to the one he used to wear, she glimpsed a black turtleneck. Faded denims molded his rock-hard thighs.

  Lines of experience added character to his strong, handsome features—the same attractive features bequeathed to their daughter. No amount of imagining what Jessica might look like would ever measure up to the reality of her vital, living presence.

  In a word, she was adorable.

  The closest description that came to Samantha’s mind was the shining star on top of a Christmas tree. The wonder of the moment left her breathless.

  An instant later she became aware that she was the target of a pair of dark-fringed eyes the color of gun-metal. Like someone battling a riptide, she tried to stay upright and survive their merciless scrutiny.

  “Hello, Nick,” she murmured.

  “Sam.” He gave an almost imperceptible nod of his head.

  She’d asked the impossible of him. She knew that now.

  The only thing that saved her was another pair of eyes, blue like her own, staring at her in total fascination.

  “Jessica—”

  “Hi,” she said, just the way she had done over the phone.

  “Do you feel as strange as I do?”

  A nervous smile broke out on her precious face. “Yes.”

  Nick’s hands were gripping their daughter’s shoulders. “I told Jessica you two should spend this time together by yourselves.” He tousled her curls in such an affectionate gesture, Samantha could have wept. “Call me when you’re ready and I’ll come for you, honey.”

  “Okay, Dad.”

  “Enjoy your meal.” His eyes studied Samantha’s upturned features for a heart-stopping moment. Was he remembering the way it used to be with them? Did he still find her attractive after all this time?

  “Thank you, Nick,” she whispered. But he moved away with such lightning speed, she ended up saying it to his retreating back.

  Her gaze returned to Jessica. It was hard to keep from staring at her. Samantha had missed out on examining her from head to toe when she was a baby. She’d missed the first thirteen years of her life. The realization crucified her all over again.

  This lovely girl was her baby, her daughter, her flesh and blood.

  “Jessica? I’d planned for us to eat dinner in the dining room, but I was wondering if you’d like to go to my room instead. We could have dinner delivered.”

  “I’d like that a lot better.”

  “I hope you’re not saying that to please me. It’s just that there’s so much I have to say to you, and so much I want to learn about you, I don’t want to be around a lot of other people. But if you don’t think your father would approve, or if you’re uncomfortable with the idea, we—”

  “I’d rather be alone, too,” the teen declared with the maturity of someone twice her age.

  “Then let’s go. My room’s down this hall.”

  It was an incredible experience to be walking alongside her daughter. Jessica was probably an inch shorter than Samantha and about the same weight. She radiated an energy and vibrancy that was almost tangible.

  “I love your suit. You look beautiful.”

  “So do you. I’m crazy about that sheepskin jacket. I wish I had one just like it.”

  “Dad and I went to Western Outfitters to get ours. I could show you where it is tomorrow.”

  Much as Samantha wanted to take her up on her offer, she couldn’t. Nick had made it clear she’d only been given this one night.

  “If I had more time, that would be wonderful.”

  “You mean you have to go back to Idaho tomorrow?”

  The disappointment in her daughter’s voice was a balm to Samantha’s soul. She knew the answer she should give so she wouldn’t undermine Nick’s wishes.

  “Tomorrow evening I have plans with a friend I can’t break, but we’ve got all of tonight to get acquainted. Come on in.”

  She used the card key to let them into the room. After turning on the lights she said, “Make yourself comfortable while I find the menu.”

  Jessica removed her coat. “I just want a hamburger and fries.”

  “Me, too. What about a drink?”

  “Root beer.”

  “I think I’ll have the same.”

  Samantha called room service and placed their order. Once that was accomplished, she reached in the dresser drawer and pulled out one of the scrapbooks she’d brought in her suitcase.

  “Jessica? If you’ll come over to the table, I have something to show you. I would have come back to the room after dinner to get it for you, but since we’re already here, now seems the appropriate time.”

  Her daughter did as she asked, eyeing her with avid curiosity as she sat down opposite her. “What is it?”

  “Hopefully the answers to questions only I can give you. Go ahead and look through it to your heart’s content.”

  Maybe it was a trick of the light, but she thought her daughter’s fingers were trembling as she opened the cover.

  “Oh my gosh! It’s Dad! He looks so young I can’t believe it!”

  “You look just like him. You’re his daughter, all right.”

  “No one ever says that, because of my red hair.”

  “All they have to do is picture you with brown hair and you’re the exact replica of your handsome father.”

  “My girlfriends think he’s gorgeous.”

  Samantha winked. “He is. Take it from me. We met the week he turned twenty. I’d seen him several times in the campus student center studying at one of the tables.

  “Nick Kincaid was so attractive, I never looked at another guy after that. You could say I fell in love with him on the spot. The kind of love that hurt, it went so deep.

  “One night in desperation I dropped all my books next to his chair to get his attention.”

  Jessica’s face lit up in a huge smile. “Did he pick them up?”

  “Yes. But it was the most horrible moment of my life. When I thanked him, he didn’t say one word. He just gave me one of those scary silvery looks only he can give, and went back to his studies.”

  Jessica laughed. “He still does that when he’s really mad about something.”

  “Well, I was so hurt, I left the building and ran to my mom’s car in tears. Before I could unlock the door, he caught hold of me.”

  “Then what happened?” Jessica cried, totally caught up in the story.

  “He said he thought I was really cute, but he didn’t date cute little freshman girls. I told him he was crazy if he thought I wanted a date with him. He said he didn’t believe me and could prove it. The next thing I knew, he kissed me.”

  “Oh my gosh!”

  “You can say that again. It lasted kind of a long time.”

  Her daughter giggled in pure delight.

  “When we had to stop because everyone was honking at us, he asked me if I wanted to celebrate his birthday with him that weekend. The cake in this first picture is the one I made for him. I used my grandmother’s recipe. It was a real hit with your father.”

  Jessica lifted her head. Her blue eyes were blazing. “Is it ch
ocolate mint cake?”

  Samantha’s heart turned over. “Yes. How did you know?”

  “’Cause Dad always tells me to put peppermint extract in the chocolate icing when I make us a cake. I’ve always wondered why.”

  Even a simple thing like finding out Nick still enjoyed the type of cake she had first baked for him was almost more than she could stand.

  “Will you give me the recipe?”

  “Yes. Of course.”

  Her daughter turned to the next page, then squealed. “That’s you and Dad on a motorcycle! Every time a motorcycle gang comes roaring into the park, he tells me motorbikes should be abolished.”

  Sam smiled at her. “You know how parents are. Do as I say, not as I do.”

  A grin broke out on Jessica’s young, enchanting face. “I can’t wait to show this to him!”

  “It’ll bring back memories, that’s for sure. He had a close friend, a roommate named Joey, who let us ride around Fort Collins on it. In fact, we couldn’t have gone on all the dates we did without it.

  “You could go a long way on a tank of gas, and it was cheap. Back in those days your dad didn’t have a lot of money. He had to work hard just to pay for his tuition and housing.”

  “He put himself through school, huh?”

  “Absolutely. Unlike some students, he took a full load of classes and held a job, yet he still got straight As. I lived in awe of him.”

  “I still do,” Jessica admitted.

  So do I, darling. So do I.

  “Joey took this snap of us on his cycle with my camera. Your dad hated having his picture taken, but I forced him to endure it.”

  Jessica chuckled. “He still hates it.”

  Every photo had a story. Picnics, football games. Samantha had recorded every precious moment of their lives together. At seventeen, she had imagined this scrapbook would be the first of many she would fill throughout the rest of their lives.

  As it turned out, they’d only had ten months, the last six being long distance.

  Dinner arrived. Samantha and Jessica ate their hamburgers between anecdotes. Her daughter begged to hear every detail. Samantha was so excited to share with her, they completely lost track of time. After dinner, they returned to the scrapbooks.