To Be a Mother

by Rebecca Winters

  Only out of the goodness of Nick’s heart had she been given this sliver of time to let Jessica know she’d always been, and always would be, loved and cherished.

  Most of last night Samantha had kept Marilyn on the phone talking about her darling offspring. Tonight there would be more talk with her friend once Sam returned to Coeur D’Alene.

  More talk, more tears. Oh yes. There were going to be more tears. Days, weeks, months and years of them flowing over the what-ifs.

  Marilyn would tell her it was a torturous gesture in futility. Samantha would agree with her friend before she again wallowed in fresh layers of remorse over what might have been, what could have been.

  Seeing Nick—the man he’d become—had fueled her desire for him all over again, with a burning new intensity.

  “Hi!”

  “Hi yourself!” Samantha’s hungry eyes took in the vision of her delightful daughter wearing jeans and a kelly-green sweater beneath her sheepskin jacket. Her coloring might be Samantha’s, but her classic bone structure and demeanor shouted Nick.

  She didn’t dare ask where he was or she would give herself away. There had to be a woman in his life. Samantha would find out soon enough, and dreaded the moment.

  “Are you hungry?”

  “Kind of.”

  “What do you say we order some juice and rolls, then call for a taxi and go shopping?”

  Jessica’s eyes sparkled at the idea.

  A half hour later they climbed out of a taxi onto sidewalks store owners had shoveled since the blizzard a few days earlier. Samantha glanced at the sky. No new snowstorms threatened, although it was cold and overcast.

  Western Outfitters carried everything. Jessica led the way to the department where, after some consideration, Samantha bought a jacket similar to hers. Then they walked around the store eyeing the latest sportswear.

  Both of them stopped to admire some new brushed-suede cotton suits in a rich chocolate. Paired with silk blouses in a café au lait color, they made a striking outfit.

  “With your red hair, you two would look terrific in those,” the female clerk commented from a nearby counter.

  Samantha glanced at Jessica. “Shall we?”

  “Yes!”

  Because the clothes had just been put out, they both found a size four before hurrying into the same fitting room. Jessica beamed when the two of them faced the mirror. “This is so cool. Mom and daughter look-alikes.”

  It was cool. In fact, it was the kind of experience Samantha had dreamed about having with her daughter. Growing up with her own mom doting on her, her younger self had taken for granted that she would share this kind of experience with her child. She took nothing for granted now.

  She stared at Jessica in the glass. “We need the right shoes to go with our outfits. What do you think?”

  The second Jessica nodded, they left the changing room and walked across the store to the footwear department. Soon they’d both been fitted with brown leather flats.

  Conscious of the time, Samantha paid for everything, then they left in the outfits they’d just bought. The clerk put the clothes they’d worn before into shopping bags for them.

  After a stop at a photography studio, where you could get passport photos on the spot, Samantha asked the taxi driver to take them to a local jewelry store.

  “We’d like to see some lockets, please.”

  Her daughter bubbled with excitement as they picked out matching round gold ones hanging from gold chains. With the clerk’s help, they were able to insert the new pictures. Samantha took turns with her daughter fastening them around each other’s necks.

  With her hands still on Jessica’s shoulders she said, “There. Now we’ve preserved a memory we can both share.”

  Jessica’s eyes glistened with unshed tears. “Could I ask you something important?”

  Samantha’s heart swelled with emotion. “Anything.”

  “Do you think you could come to the mother-and-daughter’s ninth grade party at school next Friday night? There’s going to be a sleepover in the gym.”

  Her breath caught in her throat. Nick let you have this time with her, Samantha. He didn’t have to do it. He’s expecting you to play fair, so you have to prove to him you can be as noble as he is, even if it kills you.

  “Thank you for asking me, darling. I can’t think of anything I’d rather do, but I’m going to be out of town on federation business for the next while,” she lied.

  “Oh.” That was all her daughter said before turning away.

  As they left the store and got in the taxi to head back to the Elk Inn, the pain and disappointment in Jessica’s expression almost incapacitated Samantha.

  This was the downside of a once-in-a-lifetime reunion. It was what Nick had dreaded, she was sure.

  Samantha had been afraid of it, too, but she’d believed her daughter would grow up to be a happier, healthier woman if she knew how much her mother loved her.

  Now Samantha knew better.

  You didn’t sweep into your long-lost daughter’s life one night, then disappear into the blue the next day without creating chaos.

  Nick had every reason to view Samantha as the most selfish creature who ever existed. No one had a greater right to despise her.

  Yet he had allowed this visit.

  Because he’s the personification of unselfishness. Dear God, what have I done to my daughter? To Nick?

  In the next little while Samantha would be leaving, and once again he’d be left to pick up the pieces. It was utterly cruel to Jessica, and totally unfair to him.

  If the ride back to the Elk Inn had lasted longer than a couple of minutes, Jessica’s silence would have been excruciating.

  “There’s Dad.”

  Samantha could see his distinctive profile at the wheel of an Xtera parked in front of the lobby entrance. The taxi pulled up behind him. She found the sack containing Jessica’s clothes and handed it to her.

  “I’m sure he’s impatient to get you home. What are your plans for today?”

  “He usually works on Saturdays so I go with him.”

  “You lucky girl. My father didn’t have the kind of job that allowed me to tag along. You’ll probably end up being a biologist, too. A brainy one, just like your dad.”

  “Maybe.” She opened the door. “Thank you for the clothes and the locket. Every time I wear them, I’ll think of you.”

  “I’ll do the same,” Samantha whispered with her heart in her throat. “Now you’d better go.”

  “Okay.” She climbed out her side of the taxi. “T-thank you for everything,” she stammered in a tear-filled voice before closing the door.

  Goodbye, Jessica.

  Samantha purposely took her time getting money from her wallet to pay the driver. She didn’t want Nick to see she was wearing the same outfit as Jessica. It would have been like plunging in the knife that much deeper. Enough blood had already been spilled.

  NICK HAD NEVER THOUGHT of his daughter as stunning. She was too young. But the shopping spree with her mother caused him to reassess his thinking. Seeing her in such a grown-up outfit, he could imagine Jessica the way she would look three years from now. The way Sam had looked….

  Smothering a groan, he drove away without glancing in the rearview mirror.

  “Do you want to see my new locket?”

  No. He knew what would be inside. Sam had thought of everything. No stone had been left unturned. The takeover was complete.

  Jessica removed it from her neck and opened it for him.

  There they were. Mother and daughter, both wearing the same blouse and suit, from what he could see.

  “She bought me new shoes, too.”

  “I noticed.” He handed the locket back to her before accelerating. “Your mother always did have great taste in clothes. I hardly recognize you, looking this sophisticated. You’re very lovely.”

  “Thanks. So’s Mom.”

  Nick had noticed that, as well. If Sam hadn’t told him about
her battle with cancer, he would never have been able to tell. Her glistening, chin-length red hair, worn shorter than he remembered, flattered her features. In that black suit and pink blouse she’d worn last night, she’d stolen his breath.

  Sam had always been a knockout. She always would be. He’d be lying to himself if he insisted that his reaction to her was based solely on the fact that she’d surprised him by not looking ill.

  If anything, her slight weight loss enhanced the beauty of her bone structure. More than ever her eyes reminded him of the brilliant blue alpine forget-me-nots growing at the highest elevations.

  The old Sam was unforgettable. The new one had an allure that had caught him off guard. She brought his senses alive just being near.

  “Is she coming to your school party next week?”

  “No. She’s busy with a court case she’s working on.”

  Nick’s hands tightened on the steering wheel. He had a gut feeling Sam was rushing back to a man. How long had they been lovers? Had he seen her through the stages of her illness? Had he held her and comforted her, done the things that should have been Nick’s privilege?

  Forcing down the gall rising in his throat, he said, “Did she suggest coming another time?”

  “No. She doesn’t want to see me again, Dad.”

  His head jerked around in anger. “She told you that?”

  Jessica blinked in surprise. “No. She didn’t say anything at all. That’s how I know.” She bit her lip exactly the way Sam used to do. The unsolicited memory devastated him.

  “I should never have asked to eat breakfast with her. I—I’m sure she didn’t want to,” Jessica’s voice faltered. “She only took me shopping for something to do until it was time to catch her plane. That’s what divorced parents do.”

  He couldn’t bear the resignation and pain in her tone. “What do you mean, honey?”

  “I’ve told you about Marsha Gardiner’s parents.” He nodded, wondering what was coming next. “Her dad only sees her once a year. As soon as he arrives, he takes her shopping.”

  “That’s probably because he wants to do something nice for her.” Nick defended the other man when there was no defense for a father who’d virtually abandoned his children.

  “Marsha wishes he wouldn’t come at all if that’s the only thing he can think of to do.”

  “What would she like him to do?”

  “Anything! Invite her to visit him in California. See where he lives. Go to his work. Stuff like that.”

  And you wish your mother had asked you to come to Coeur D’Alene and stay with her, Nick thought.

  Damn you to hell, Sam. You set up our daughter with those scrapbooks, then fly out of her life as easily as you flew in. But then you’re the pro at dangling the carrot before snatching it away.

  “How would you like to drive to Gillette and wow your cousins with your new outfit?”

  “You mean today?”

  He’d never heard less enthusiasm. “Why not? I can afford to take the time off.”

  “No you can’t. I heard you talking to Pierce about needing to meet with the men at the dam this afternoon.”

  “That can wait until next week.” Trying to help his daughter recover from this nightmare was the real emergency here.

  “I don’t want to go anywhere.”

  “Then why don’t we invite the Gallaghers for an early dinner and a video.” Leslie was good for his daughter. So was Cory. Nick would tell him to bring his little basset hound along. Jessica was crazy about Lucy.

  “Can’t we just be by ourselves? I’d rather go to work with you, anyway. Do you mind?”

  “What do you think?”

  Nick wrapped his arm around her shoulders and gave her a squeeze. Inside he could feel his rage building. He hadn’t experienced that destructive emotion for thirteen years. But it was back, it was alive and it was doing well.

  “Let’s get you home first so we can both change clothes.”

  She nodded. “Mom asked me what I was going to do today.”

  Don’t, honey.

  “I told her I’d probably go to work with you. She said I was lucky because when she was young, she couldn’t hang around with my grandpa.”

  “Robert Bretton was too high-powered and driven to give his daughter the time she craved.”

  It was probably the reason she’d sought a serious relationship with Nick so early in her life. But he could never forget she had a lot of her father in her to opt for a law career instead of early motherhood.

  “I’m so glad you’re not like that, Dad.”

  “I thought you called me a workaholic,” he teased to cover his emotions, which were spilling all over the place.

  “But you always let me be with you. That’s the difference. Mom said I’d probably turn out to be a brilliant biologist like you.”

  Mom this, Mom that.

  Nick wondered how often that emotive three-letter word would come up in their conversations from now on.

  “I’ve decided I’m going to be a biologist. Then I can live in the park and work with you until you’re old. You’ll never have to worry about anything because I’ll always take care of you.”

  Oh Jessica.

  He shook his head. “A lot of water’s got to shoot through the spillway before you’re all grown up. Life will be very different by then.”

  “No it won’t. Mom said there was no mistaking me for your daughter. I’m going to get straight As like she said you did. And then I’ll graduate with a degree in biology, too.”

  They’d already entered Moose. A couple of rangers on patrol honked in greeting, but Nick was so immersed in what Sam had told his daughter, he forgot to honk back.

  “Even so, honey, there’ll come a day when you’ll meet a man and want to get married.”

  “I’m not going to get married. I plan to be like you. We don’t need anybody else.”

  Oh hell.

  He roared into the driveway, afraid he was going to lose it right there. Fortunately, Jessica shot out of the car ahead of him with her shopping bag.

  By the time he’d changed into work clothes and went to collect his daughter from her room, he’d pulled himself together enough to realize it had been her pain talking.

  Time would heal her wounds. He had to believe that.

  As for their conversation, it had jarred Nick out of the deep sleep he’d been in. He was going to act on the advice Pierce had given him at the wedding two weeks ago.

  Pierce had been right about him letting Jessica’s insecurities manipulate him for too long. But after seeing Sam again, Nick realized there was an underlying reason why he’d never been able to commit to another woman and settle down.

  There was only one Samantha Bretton. No other woman in his past had ever compared to his memory of her. After seeing her again, he feared no other woman would ever come close. But for the sake of his future happiness, he had to try to make it work with someone else. ASAP!

  On Monday Nick had business over in Yellowstone Park. While he was there, he would stop by the Mammoth ranger station to see Gilly King.

  He’d always toyed with the idea of asking her out, but had held back because she was a ranger and colleague who until three months ago had worked in Teton Park. Nick hadn’t acted on his inclination because of the gossip it would create.

  But her transfer to Yellowstone Park due to harassment by another ranger, now out of the picture, had changed the dynamics of the situation. If Gilly was still interested in going out with him—and she’d given out certain signals that said she was—the distance between the two parks was far enough to squelch a lot of the usual talk.

  Better still, Jessica wouldn’t be intimidated by seeing Gilly around all the time. Depending on how things progressed—if they progressed to a stage where Gilly came to mean something important to him—then his daughter would have to deal with it.

  The brunette ranger from Billings, Montana, was smart, cute and nice. All the traits that would threaten his dau
ghter. But after what Jessica had said about taking care of him in his old age, Nick needed to dispel that myth in a hurry.

  He was about to knock on Jessica’s door to let her know he was ready to go, but stopped when he heard her sobs. The kind that poured from her soul.

  His head reared back in agony. He knew in his heart of hearts that time wasn’t going to heal this wound.

  Filled with fresh alarm, he entered her bedroom and sat down on the bed next to her prostrate body. She was still dressed in the suit Sam had bought her.

  “Honey….” He put a hand on her back in an attempt to calm her.

  She rolled over, presenting a tear-ravaged face. “I thought she loved me, Dad. She said she did, so why couldn’t she come to one little party with me next week?”

  Nick bowed his head. He needed all the strength he could muster right about now. “If she’s caught up in a legal dispute with set court dates, then it might not be possible for her to get away.”

  “At night? On a weekend?”

  Sam wasn’t the only one with a razor-sharp brain. Their daughter had inherited more than her fair share. Sam’s excuse didn’t ring true with him, either.

  Yet he couldn’t reconcile Sam’s rejection with the agony he’d heard in her voice when he’d told her outright it was too late to see Jessica.

  He supposed there could be another explanation. Though her cancer was in remission, maybe she still didn’t feel well yet. Perhaps the effort of coming last night had drained her. If that was the case, then she wouldn’t be able to make future travel plans knowing she might have to cancel them.

  No matter what, he didn’t think Sam would intentionally hurt their daughter. If she thought she couldn’t follow through with arrangements, then it was possible she’d decided it was better not to make any.

  But he said something quite different to Jessica. “Maybe she’s involved with a man who’s possessive of her time. Naturally she wouldn’t want to tell you that, so she used her work as the excuse why she couldn’t say yes.”

  “I don’t think she’s in love with another man, Dad.”

  He struggled for breath. “You don’t have to be in love to enjoy a relationship with someone, honey.”

  “My mom’s not like that.”