Heart of Rockies 03 - More Than a Feeling

by Sara Richardson

  A smile flickered on her lips before she backed away. “I should go. I have to go.” She swayed. He could relate. The whole world suddenly felt off balance. What the hell was he doing? He’d just kissed Ruby in a way that made him ache for more. God, he wanted more. He couldn’t help himself. She was so soft and tasted sweet, mysterious, but somehow so familiar, too…

  “Thank you,” Ruby called as she jogged away. “For coming. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  Suddenly he couldn’t wait until tomorrow.

  Chapter Eight

  What was she thinking? She’d kissed Sawyer. She’d kissed him. On the lips and everything. Oh, lordy.

  Ruby peered down at her reclaimed kitchen table and started to set out the plates. She and Elsie had found the table in a trash bin at a mansion down the road from the ranch. Though it was obviously custom-made from a good quality cherrywood, the surface was damaged and scarred. A diamond in the rough, Elsie had called it. Together the two of them had hauled it out of that Dumpster. They’d tightened the screws and sanded until their fingers were raw. Then they painted it an antique white, somehow making the imperfections and natural striations stand out in a lovely, unique way.

  She’d like to think her scars were hidden as well as the ones on that table, covered and transformed into something lovely. But then every once in a while something would happen like it did a half hour ago when she saw that man abusing his dog, and suddenly they weren’t scars anymore. They were open wounds, festering and bleeding. Panic would set in, boiling emotions back to the surface, and she’d lose her hold on the present, feeling only the fear, the humiliation, the shame that covered her every time he’d hit her. Every time she told herself yet again it didn’t matter.

  And once those emotions took over, she did crazy things. Like kissing Sawyer. She’d kissed Officer Hawkins. Even more disturbing than that, he’d kissed her back. And it didn’t feel like it was out of obligation, either. His lips were tender but guarded, like he was holding back. And while that had been a bit disappointing in the moment, it was also somehow selfless. In that highly charged second he could’ve ravaged her right there in front of that house and she would’ve let him. When he’d pulled her close, sheltered her against his solid body, the storm inside of her had quieted.

  The thrill of it still hummed through her in dizzying waves. But he was a cop. He was her boss’s cousin. He thought she was Ruby James the baker. Not Kate McPherson the domestic-violence victim.

  All he knew were the lies she’d told, lies that were meant to protect her, but they were lies all the same. And the truth would ruin everything.

  A spoon fell from her hand and clattered onto the table. She looked down at the place settings. She’d done it all wrong. One place setting had three forks and no knives, while another had two knives and a spoon. Nice. She shook her head and righted everything. She had to get it together before the girls came over. Stop thinking about Sawyer; stop thinking about poor little Nell…

  The doorbell chimed. It was a sweet and charming sound, delicate, like wind chimes waving in the breeze.

  “Coming,” she called, trying to flush out memories of Sawyer with a long gulp of water. Fair Irish skin did little to hide the violent blush that seared her cheeks.

  She swung open the door and greeted Paige, then Avery, then Elsie, who all paraded in chatting about the foster kids.

  “They’re so sweet,” Avery gushed.

  “And you should hear all they experienced on their backpacking trip,” Elsie added. “Sounds like those dears will never be the same after seeing all that beauty.”

  Thinking about the kids brought a smile back to Ruby’s face.

  Elsie carted a stack of takeout containers to the table and spread them around. Already the wonderful aromas of her delicious cooking wafted around them. Smelled like she’d made her famous pumpkin ravioli with sage butter sauce.

  “Hanging out with the foster kids has always been my favorite week at the ranch,” Paige said.

  Avery clasped onto Ruby’s arm. “Bryce said you and Sawyer are helping out on the ropes course together.”

  Elsie’s sparse eyebrows shot up. “Oh, really?” Surprise gave way to a knowing smile. “They went for a hike together this afternoon, too.” She cozied up to Ruby’s side. “And how was that hike, dear?” she asked as innocently as a dove.

  The blush Sawyer had ignited after that kiss flamed into an inferno. “We kissed,” Ruby blurted, and everything stopped.

  Three pairs of wide eyes stared at her.

  “He kissed you?” Avery finally asked, clasping her hands as if it was the best news she’d heard since her healthy baby girl was born.

  “Sawyer kissed you?” Paige echoed. “The one who hasn’t looked at another woman since he met Kaylee?”

  Elsie simply chuckled. “Well, I wonder what took him so long.”

  Before Ruby could stop them, tell them all that she’d actually kissed him, chairs were pulled back from the table and she was ushered into one of them. Paige, Avery, and Elsie all sat, too, scooting their chairs as close as possible.

  “Details, please.” Avery swiped the bottle of pinot noir off the table and uncorked it.

  “Was it on the hike? Where’d he take you? How’d you even end up going on a hike with Sawyer?” Paige asked while she held out the glasses for Avery to pour wine. “How was it? Is he any good? Because I’ve always thought Sawyer would be a pretty good kisser.” In typical Paige fashion, the woman hardly took a breath. “I mean not as good as Ben, of course, but still pretty good with those sexy lips of his.”

  “Now, now, you two,” Elsie reprimanded. “Give the poor girl some room to talk.” Face beaming, she opened the food containers and started dishing up the plates.

  “So?” Paige demanded, handing Ruby a glass.

  She took it and bought time with a long gulp. Where should she start? “He didn’t kiss me on the hike.” Though she couldn’t deny a slight attraction had taken root when he’d swiped her out of the water all manly and in control. She hadn’t thought the feeling was mutual, but now she wasn’t so sure. “He came over.”

  “Get out!” Avery swatted her shoulder. “He came over to your house?”

  “Oh, baby!” Paige scrubbed her hands together. “This is getting good.”

  “Not exactly.” Another sip of wine didn’t submerge the fierce flutter of deranged butterflies in her heart when she pictured Sawyer’s face. “I called him an hour ago because a man across the street was abusing his dog.”

  A collective gasp affirmed her decision to call him. No one should get away with something like that. She’d done the right thing.

  “What happened, dear?” Elsie asked.

  “He was dragging it by the neck,” Ruby said, tears threatening again. “The poor dog was choking. Then, when I yelled at him, he kicked it inside his house and slammed the door.”

  “Grayson Collins.” Elsie said the name like a curse. “That old bully has treated every pet he’s ever owned that way.” Her palm smacked the table like she’d like to smack him. “The man doesn’t deserve to have a dog, if you ask me. He’s downright mean.”

  “Exactly,” Ruby agreed. “Which is why I called Sawyer. But he said there was nothing he could do without evidence.”

  “He could kick that guy’s sorry ass,” Paige offered, but they all knew police brutality wasn’t exactly an option.

  “Kicking his ass isn’t Sawyer’s style,” Avery said. “But he’ll watch for the right time. Then he’ll figure out how to take him down. That’s the kind of man he is. Good. Smart. Thoughtful…” She emphasized the words as if reciting all his good qualities for Ruby’s benefit.

  A sigh opened her chest. Yes. It was obvious that Sawyer had a lot going for him. “Anyway, after he went to the door and checked on the dog, he could tell I was upset, so he gave me a hug, and…” She closed her eyes, remembering the way his hand had gently brushed her jaw, the way he’d looked at her long and steady, seeing much deeper than mo
st people, it seemed. “I kissed him,” she muttered, still astonished at herself. But it was true. She’d stood on her tiptoes to reach his mouth and then she’d kissed him.

  “Way to go.” Paige raised her wineglass. “Gotta say, Ruby, I didn’t think you had it in you, but a man likes a woman who’ll take charge.”

  Avery gasped. “Maybe you can convince him to stay in Aspen!”

  “Oh, yes!” Elsie clasped her hands. “That would be wonderful, dear.” The older woman nudged Ruby’s plate in front of her, a silent you’d best eat before it gets cold. Obediently Ruby picked up her fork. “I doubt I could convince him to stay in Aspen,” she said around a creamy bite of ravioli.

  “Oh, but he doesn’t belong in Denver,” Elsie said sadly. “He’s a mountain boy. He’ll hate it down there.”

  Ruby tried not to smile. She’d almost forgotten that he was moving away. One month. She wouldn’t have to worry about avoiding him if he was leaving in a month.

  “You two would be so perfect together!” Avery sighed. “I mean, he’s such a great guy, Ruby.”

  “And he deserves a stellar girl,” Paige added. “After what he went through with the bitch.”

  Every one of their expressions darkened. Well, except Ruby’s. She’d been careful to keep to herself. She’d overheard snippets of Sawyer’s story, but she didn’t know much about him, other than he’d gotten divorced. “What did he go through, exactly?” she asked, then casually sipped more wine even though her insides radiated in a warm pulse. Because she couldn’t stop thinking about that kiss…

  “Kaylee cheated on him with a friend of theirs,” Paige said matter-of-factly.

  Elsie shook her head sadly. “He was devastated, the poor dear. Oh, but he loved that girl.”

  Avery put down her fork, an uncharacteristic anger flashing in her blue eyes. “He forgave her and took her back, but less than a month later, he caught them in bed again.”

  Ruby sipped her wine in between bites of ravioli. No wonder the man seemed suspicious.

  “And this time he wasn’t so nice about it.” Elsie giggled. “Rumor has it he threw the guy out into the snow without even letting him put on his skivvies.”

  There was a hearty round of chuckling, but Ruby didn’t feel like laughing. Regret burned in her chest. She had no business kissing him like that, letting her emotions take over. The last thing Sawyer needed was another woman lying to him. He didn’t deserve that.

  “So?” Paige demanded, heaping more ravioli onto her plate. “How was he? Good? Average?”

  “Well, it wasn’t a bad kiss,” she admitted, even though that was putting it mildly. “But I’m not looking for a relationship right now.”

  Paige laughed. “Watch out. That’s the same tune I was singing last year when Ben came into town.” With an impish grin she raised her left hand and wiggled her ring finger, flashing the monumental diamond she now wore. “And look what happened to me.”

  “Pretty sure I don’t have to worry about that.” Ruby’s lips froze into a smile, but the familiar pang of fear stabbed at her. To her, a ring had a different meaning. She’d almost committed her life to a monster. “Sounds like he’s all set to move, anyway.”

  Avery and Elsie exchanged a look.

  “He’s running away, if you want the truth,” Elsie harrumphed. “Sawyer doesn’t belong in Denver. He belongs in the mountains.”

  “True, true,” Avery agreed, licking the back of her fork.

  Running away. Ruby glanced at their empty plates so she didn’t have to look into their eyes. “Who’s ready for dessert?” she asked, hoping to change the subject. Nothing distracted these three women like the prospect of dessert. Since Elsie did the cooking for their weekly girls’ nights, Ruby always made dessert. Tonight it was a salted caramel chocolate tart.

  Avery’s hand shot up. “Me! Me! I’m ready for dessert! I’ve been waiting for dessert since breakfast.” Ruby tried not to glare at her. For having such a serious sweet tooth, Avery was the best kind of thin—toned and curved but still skinny enough to wear a size two. Even after giving birth a month ago. As opposed to her healthy size six. Such is the life of a baker, though. How could she possibly serve desserts to people without tasting them to make sure they were perfect? Sighing, she stacked the plates and stood.

  Paige hopped up, too. “I’ll help you dish it up.” She followed her into the kitchen.

  As soon as the door closed, Paige faced her. “What’s going on, Ruby?”

  “What d’you mean?” she asked, engrossing herself with unwrapping the foil from around the torte. Out of everyone here, she’d spent the most time with Paige. The woman had never pried into her past, but Ruby knew she wondered.

  Paige slapped her hands on her hips. “Any woman in her right mind would be ecstatic to get attention from Sawyer Hawkins. He doesn’t give it out easily, trust me.”

  The memory of him kissing her back so carefully inflated her heart. He’d been so unexpectedly tender…

  She turned to look at her friend and leaned against the counter for support. “Sawyer’s great.” That was the understatement of the year. “But I can’t have a relationship right now. With anyone.”

  “Sawyer doesn’t go around kissing random women.” Paige went to the cupboard and dug out the dessert plates. “He’s not that kind of guy.”

  She turned back to her torte. “I kissed him. Remember?”

  “But he kissed you back.”

  Yes. That was true, her body reminded her in a tingling shudder. He’d definitely kissed her back, not fast and hard, but slow, stroking her cheeks with the backs of his fingers, letting his lips rest against hers…

  Her heart lurched at the shock of it. Whoa. Carefully, slowly, she cut the torte into sections. “He’s leaving in a month. And I…I’m not ready.”

  “Why, Ruby?” Paige asked quietly. “Why won’t you give him a chance?”

  “I can’t.” Her eyes got hot, glazed over with tears. Ever since that morning, when she’d let the past in again, she’d felt so much weaker. For a while she’d been able to ignore it, to shift her focus, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to run from those emotions forever.

  Hard as she tried to stop them, the tears spilled over. “I was in a relationship a while ago.” She kept her voice low so the others wouldn’t hear. “It was bad. Really bad. I had to get away.” That was all she could say. She would never risk putting any of her new friends in danger. The last time Derek had beat her up, he’d threatened to kill her. This was her problem. Her past. And she wouldn’t let anyone else get caught in the middle.

  Paige gave an empathetic nod like she got it. She didn’t seem surprised by the revelation. “Some men are so pathetic that they feel like they need to prove their strength.” She clamped a hand onto Ruby’s arm, filling her with warmth and hope. “But Sawyer’s different. He just is strong. And trustworthy. And good. I’ve known him forever. He’d never hurt—”

  The door burst open. “What d’we have to do to get some chocolate around here?” Avery demanded, looking offended. “I mean, I’m six weeks post-birth, girls. I’m not having any sex. I need chocolate.”

  Ruby forced a laugh. “Coming right up.”

  “I still think you should give him a chance,” Paige whispered as they headed for the dining room. “Sawyer’s one of the good guys, Ruby. Whatever it is you’re running from, maybe he can help you.”

  “I don’t want help. I just want to move on with my life.” She couldn’t risk Derek learning where she was, hunting her down. And who knew what he’d do to Sawyer if he found out she was attracted to him.

  No. She had to keep the secrets locked safely in the past. Letting them out was too big of a price to pay.

  Even for someone as wonderful as Sawyer.

  Chapter Nine

  Morning used to be Sawyer’s favorite time of day. When he and Kaylee were married, he’d sneak out of bed before she woke up and brew the coffee, get breakfast started. He might suck at cooking overall, but
frying eggs and bacon, or flipping pancakes, was his specialty. Kaylee would stagger into the kitchen, all bleary eyed and gorgeous with her dark hair knotted on her head. She’d hug him—cling to him—and depending on where he was at with the food, they’d end up kissing, or, if it was a really good day, he’d make love to her right there on the kitchen floor.

  Now the memory made him pull the covers over his head, as if the darkness could make it disappear. He turned over in the empty king-size bed that Bryce had put into all the ranch’s guest cabins. Would he ever open his eyes as the first rays of sunlight beamed through the window and not think of those mornings? It wasn’t so much that he missed Kaylee. Well, he missed who she had been then. Losing the baby changed both of them; he wasn’t naïve enough to deny that. They’d gone from being best friends and passionate lovers to being strangers who coexisted in the same house. He’d stopped making breakfast. She’d started going out to dinner with her friends after work most nights of the week.

  Distance yawned between them, and it wasn’t like he didn’t see it happening; it was just that he couldn’t find the energy to care. Truth was, he’d fallen in love with an idea—Kaylee as a devoted and loving mom, just like his mom. In some ways Mom had set him up to believe that all women were as perfect as June Cleaver, cooking gourmet family dinners every night of the week, baking cookies for him after he came home from school. Hell, she’d even clean his room, fold his laundry, and leave him treats under his pillow when she made his bed every day. But for Mom it wasn’t an act. It was her life. It was what she’d loved the most in the world. Her family. Her kids.

  Apparently that wasn’t reality for everyone.

  It wasn’t like he’d expected the same out of Kaylee. He only wanted a wife who’d love her family, who’d never take one day of it for granted. After he told Mom Kaylee had cheated on him, she’d looked at him sadly. “Not every woman wants to be a mom,” she’d said. “It doesn’t make her a bad person, Sawyer. You just want different things in life and she was feeling trapped.”