Heart of Rockies 03 - More Than a Feeling

by Sara Richardson

  Vicki patted Sawyer’s shoulder. “Yeah, but Denver’ll be great.” He’d known her long enough to detect the forced positive ring in that tone. “I’m sure it’s not nearly as dreadful as Dallas.”

  “Right,” Sawyer agreed. Denver was a great city—good nightlife, trendy neighborhoods. But even as he smiled, he knew Denver was no Aspen, with the expanse of open space and the friendly small-town atmosphere and the opportunity to ski every single day from November through April…

  “You’ll love it there,” Vicki insisted, but her eyes reddened. “If you’ll excuse me for a minute…” She ducked her head and scurried away, heading for the box of tissues on her desk. Not that he was special or anything. She always got choked up when anyone left the force.

  Ferris gave a shake of his head and shrug that clearly said, what the hell is wrong with her?

  “She thinks of this as her family,” Sawyer explained. And there were times it really did feel more like a family than a police force. Like when Nicky Alverez was diagnosed with cancer last year and they threw together a fund-raiser fair complete with rides and a petting zoo in the park. Or when Vicki herself unexpectedly lost her husband three years ago to a heart attack, and everyone on the force took turns making dinner (or buying something that actually tasted good, like Sawyer had) and going over to eat with her every night for a month so she didn’t have to eat alone.

  “See?” Ferris clapped him on the back. “That’s why I came here. It’s stuff like this party that makes this job bearable. Havin’ a whole bunch of people who’ve got your back.”

  Sawyer looked around the room. All of them had had his back at one time or another. Hell, when Kaylee had cheated on him, most of these guys had taken turns showing up at his door to take him out for a beer…

  “So when’s the big move, anyway?” Ferris asked.

  The question released a buzz of panic. What was he doing? What the hell was he doing?

  The answer wasn’t pretty. Avery was right. He was running…from Kaylee. He didn’t want to run into her at the grocery store anymore. Or on the ski slopes. Or walking around town. Because every time he saw her, he remembered what he’d lost. He couldn’t even stand to look at her.

  “Yo, Hawkins. You okay? You look like you just saw Patterson cram that whole box of donuts into his big trap.”

  “Yeah. I’m fine,” he said, his chest tightening. “I just…need a minute.” Air. He needed air. No matter how fast he walked, though—down the hall, out the building’s double doors—he couldn’t outrun the truth. He wasn’t going to Denver to pursue a new life. He was running away from his old one.

  The sun was blinding and bright, but the air filled his lungs and evened out his pulse.

  “Hawkins? Everything okay?” Chief stood on the stone steps, shielding his eyes from the sun. “You’re not supposed to skip out on your own party. Vicki’ll track you down and have you hanged.”

  He spun. “Not skipping out.” He couldn’t. He knew he had to go back in there and show her how much he appreciated this. “I needed a minute.” Clarity. Air.

  Chief ambled down the steps and stood across from him. “So you’ve got another few weeks, huh?”

  Suddenly a few weeks felt like nothing. “Yes, sir.”

  “And you’re still dead set on leaving?” the man asked, clasping his hands behind his back in an authoritative stance Sawyer had seen his own father assume on more than one occasion.

  “I have to go.” He had a job lined up. An apartment lease. Everything was packed, except for some of his clothes.

  “That’s a shame,” Chief muttered, chomping on his mustache. “Thing is, Hawkins, Assistant Chief Gerke just gave her notice. She’s moving to California. Wants to be closer to her family or something.” He rolled his eyes like he couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to live close to their family. But Sawyer got it. He was having a hard time imagining what it would be like to live four hours away.

  “I’ve got two weeks to find a replacement.” The man turned and started back up the steps. “You’d be damn good at the job. Just wanted to put that out there.” Without another word, he slipped back inside.

  * * *

  “Ruby, there you are!” Elsie stuck her head through the door of the kitchen’s tiny office.

  Ruby immediately shut the laptop. Didn’t need anyone to see her doing background research on Yates and Timmons. As crazy as she knew it was, they were the only suspects, the only other people she could fathom who would steal from Bryce and Avery. Except she hadn’t found anything that said either one of them were thieves. In fact, aside from the drinking issues, they seemed like pretty good guys, judging from their Facebook profiles.

  “Avery and I are having tea on the patio,” Elsie said. “Care to join us?”

  “That sounds perfect.” Ruby stood and worked the kinks out of her back. After that encounter with Sawyer earlier, the afternoon had been crawling by. Every time she thought of seeing him that night—of picking up where they left off—her stomach started doing cartwheels. Somehow his passionate touch freed her to be the person she wanted to be, and she’d completely lost the will to battle her emotions. Sawyer would only be around a couple more weeks, and then he’d move away. He’d move on with his life. So what was the harm in spending the night with him? At least she’d have good memories. Maybe they’d be enough to erase the bad ones.

  Anticipation swirled through her again, but a quick glance at the clock stamped it down.

  This day was taking forever.

  Tea with the girls is exactly what she needed right now. She followed Elsie into the kitchen and picked up the silver tray the woman had prepared.

  Elsie hummed lightly while she slipped on a light jacket.

  “What’re you humming?” Ruby asked. It sure sounded like a love song.

  “Oh. It’s an old song. You probably wouldn’t know it.” The woman’s fair skin deepened a few shades of red.

  “Try me.” Before she’d passed away, her grandma had given Ruby all her old record albums. The woman had been a sucker for a romantic song.

  Elsie didn’t answer but continued humming.

  “‘At Last’!” Ruby blurted. “Etta James.”

  Elsie didn’t turn around. She simply led Ruby through the dining room and outside to the back patio.

  “That’s quite the romantic song,” Ruby mused while she set down the tray.

  “What is?” asked Avery.

  Ruby sang the first lines, making sure to draw out the syllables long enough to ignite Elsie’s face with color again.

  “She’s been humming it all morning,” she added, pressing a thoughtful finger against her chin. “I wonder why. How do you get a song like that stuck in your head…?”

  She and Avery both looked at Elsie expectantly.

  The woman brushed them aside with a wave of her hand. “Thomas and I were listening to some old songs,” she said briskly. “Lord knows they’re a million times better than the rubbish that’s out there today.”

  “Were you listening to them before or after he took you out for coffee?” Ruby teased. Mysteriously, Thomas and Elsie had both disappeared after the kids had left for their riding adventure. When Ruby had called her cell phone, the woman sheepishly admitted that she was at the coffee shop with Thomas.

  “Mom!” Avery slapped a hand over her mouth. “You didn’t tell me you were going on a date with Thomas!”

  “It wasn’t a date,” she insisted, pouring tea into three mugs like it took every ounce of focus she had to spare.

  “But you did go out to coffee with him?” Ruby prompted, her heart overflowing for the woman. If anyone in the world deserved to find love, it was Elsie Walker. Seeing as how she was one of the only people who seemed to know how to love someone else, it only seemed right.

  “We went to get a cup of coffee,” she admitted. “As friends. That’s all. Thomas is a dear friend of mine. And so was his lovely wife.” But Ruby was sure that gleam in her eyes had brightened since yesterda
y.

  “Seems to me Mom’s not the only one who has a reason to hum.” Avery’s head tilted toward Ruby. “I ran into Shooter earlier.”

  Wow. It sure didn’t take long for word to get around this place.

  Elsie looked back and forth between them. “What did I miss?”

  “It seems that Ruby and Sawyer were making out in the kitchen this morning,” Avery said through a sly grin.

  Now it was her turn to blush. Not so much from embarrassment, either, but because anytime she heard the words “Sawyer” and “kiss” her body flamed. There were so many reasons she should be guarding her heart and pushing that man away—out of her life—but instead, whenever he came within two feet of her, practical reasoning threw caution to the wind and literally blew her right into his arms.

  Promise me we’ll finish this later.

  She’d never wanted to finish something so bad in her whole life.

  “Shooter walked in on them,” Avery informed Elsie. “Said it looked pretty hot and heavy.”

  Ruby resisted the urge to fan herself. That would be an accurate description.

  “That’s terribly romantic,” Elsie murmured. “I’ve always thought the kitchen was the best place to make love.”

  Ruby choked on a swig of tea. Since when did Elsie make love! And in the kitchen? Lordy! Remind her to wipe down the counters later…

  “You two!” Avery’s head fell back with a dramatic pout. “You’re making me jealous. I’m not getting any right now. It’s like Bryce is too afraid to touch me. He’s afraid he’ll hurt me.”

  “Well, you did just give birth,” Ruby reminded her. “Wasn’t your labor like twenty hours or something?”

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can’t forget that. Trust me.” Avery leaned closer. “That’s why I want details, honey. All the juicy ones. Fill me in. Let me live vicariously.”

  “Well…” She replayed the kiss in her head, and even though her body clenched with anticipation like it had when Sawyer’s hand slid up her ribs, she didn’t know how to describe it. How could you describe perfection? “He…kissed me.” She actually wished there was more to tell. “And he’s really good at it.” Really really really really good, her lady parts reminded her with an affectionate squeeze. It was good to have them back. They’d pretty much been silent until Sawyer had waltzed into her life.

  “So are you two together? Dating?” Avery’s palms tilted toward the sky. “I mean, seriously. How many times have you kissed now?”

  More than she knew about, but Ruby opted to keep that to herself. “It’s complicated.” She should keep reminding herself of that fact. “He’s moving away.” A sudden sadness gripped her throat. In a couple more weeks Sawyer would be gone. Once that had brought relief, but now it made her heart ache. Screw her secrets, all the reasons she couldn’t have Sawyer. None of that changed the fact that she didn’t want him to leave.

  None of them did. That was obvious from the sullen silence that took over. The three of them sipped their tea, eventually finding more to talk about—Lily’s new habit of blowing raspberries and summer bookings at the ranch. After the tea was gone, Ruby stood and carried the tray back into the kitchen, finding that Elsie’s song had stuck with her.

  At last…my love has come along…my lonely days are over…

  Humming it to herself, she knew she’d give anything—even all her secrets—to be able to say that someday.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  At exactly 4:59 p.m. Sawyer booked it out of the station and headed for his Tahoe. It’d been hard to focus all day. Luckily it was a typical shift in small-town Aspen. He’d gone out on patrol but had to give only a few warnings. Not like his quota mattered when he was planning to leave anyway.

  Except he didn’t have to leave. He could stay. He could take the job.

  As he’d driven around town all afternoon, he’d actually noticed the things he didn’t normally pay attention to—things he took for granted having grown up basically in a Garden of Eden. Things like the way the new green grass glowed on the carved slopes of Aspen Mountain. Like the friendly cobblestone walkways and small cafés that gave people the chance to connect and build community.

  When he thought of leaving, of losing all of that, his ribs cranked tight.

  He slid into the SUV and shoved the keys into the ignition but didn’t release the emergency break. Instead he let his head rest against the steering wheel.

  The party had reminded him how much he was a part of this community. How much this community was a part of him. At the time leaving seemed like the only way out of his grief, but that wasn’t true. Much as he hated admitting Bryce was right about anything, it seemed his cousin had gained a fair amount of wisdom after living through a tragedy that would’ve broken most men.

  You’ll never deal with it if you keep it to yourself. He’d taken the first step by telling Bryce. But he’d never deal with it if he didn’t face it head-on, either.

  It was time. Instead of fearing he’d run into Kaylee randomly, it was time for him to go and seek her out. To put the past to rest for good. If he couldn’t take that step, he couldn’t stay in Aspen.

  It was time.

  Firing up the Tahoe he eased onto the road and drove straight to the place he’d avoided for the past year. After he’d stopped to see Kaylee, he’d go by Grayson Collins’s house, then straight over to Ruby’s.

  That thought was enough to make him ignore the five speed limit signs he passed on his way to Awakenings Coffee House.

  The green-and-white-striped awning stretched cheerfully over the sidewalk. Before Kaylee had gotten a job there—after she quit at the ranch—he’d gone for coffee nearly every morning, preferring the local hangout over Starbucks. But after she left him he couldn’t stand to even drive by it, knowing he might see her. Maybe it was guilt or maybe anger or maybe grief. Whatever it was, he’d deal with it today.

  How could he expect Ruby to confront her past when he wouldn’t confront his?

  Before he could overthink anything, Sawyer got out of the car and cruised through the glass door. A cheerful ding sounded overhead, but everything seemed dark. They’d remodeled since he’d been in. Instead of colorful walls decorated with whimsical art, everything was sleek and earth-toned. Leather. Dark wood. Drab modern paintings. The place was pretty empty. Only a couple of customers sat at a high bar table near the window.

  “Sawyer.” Kaylee froze at the espresso machine. She didn’t say anything else, not “hi” or “leave.” She didn’t seem to be able to speak at all. He never came to see her. He’d gone out of his way to avoid her ever since he’d caught her in bed with Jace. She must’ve known he wasn’t there for one of her superficial chats.

  He marched over to the counter where she stood and braced his hands against the surface. “Hey.”

  She mostly looked the same as she did every time he ran into her. Shiny dark hair cut in a stylish bob. Tight, expensive clothes that fit her petite frame snugly. A lot of makeup. But she also looked tired. There were lines around her eyes that hadn’t been there before.

  “What do you want?” The same wariness in her eyes leaked through to her words.

  For the first time looking at her didn’t make him mad. Or resentful. It didn’t make him feel anything, really. “I guess I came to tell you I’m sorry.”

  She set down the rag she’d been using to clean the machine. “What?”

  “I’m sorry I failed you. I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed.” But it was time to let go of the regret. And even the release of those words made him lighter, the same way it had when he’d told Bryce about the baby.

  She looked at him the way she used to right before she’d yell. “I don’t want you back. Got that? I don’t need you.”

  He almost laughed. She didn’t need anyone. Maybe that was her biggest problem.

  That was the difference with him and Ruby. He needed her. And she needed him. “I didn’t come here to get you back,” he said, knowing the threatening smile woul
d send her into a rage. So he kept it hidden inside. “I’m moving on. And I wanted to make sure you knew that I own it. I know I screwed up with you. I said some shitty things. And I’m sorry.”

  Tears slipped down her cheeks. She swiped at them like they made her angry. “It wasn’t your fault.”

  “Maybe not all of it. But a lot of it.” And he’d like to think he wouldn’t make the same mistakes again.

  Kaylee sniffled. “When the baby died, I felt guilty. Like I’d ruined your life.”

  He looked into her eyes. God, if only he could take back the things he’d said so she didn’t have to live with guilt. “You didn’t cause it,” he said. “I know that. The miscarriage just happened. You couldn’t have done anything differently.” He hoped she believed it. The day he’d said those things to her was the day he’d learned the power of words, that they could never be taken back.

  “I didn’t want him like you did, Sawyer.” Kaylee closed her eyes. When she opened them, they were red. “The thought of having a baby scared the hell out of me. But you…you were so excited. And then the miscarriage happened. You took it hard. I couldn’t watch you hurt like that.”

  “So you left.” It wasn’t an accusation. He’d simply never realized that. She’d left because she didn’t want to watch him hurt. But that’s what people were supposed to do in a relationship. They were supposed to be there. That’s what made the hurt bearable.

  “You expect so much,” Kaylee muttered, staring at the granite countertop. “I couldn’t give you all of me. I don’t know how to give that to anyone.”

  He hoped she’d figure it out when she found the right person. That was the only way to have a real relationship with anyone. To be open. Self-sacrificing. That’s what Bryce and Avery had. What Dad and Mom had. They’d fought hard for it, for each other. And Kaylee would never fight for anyone because it was too hard. It cost too much.

  “If it makes you feel better, Jace and I broke up,” she said indifferently. The tears had dried as quickly as they’d started. “I’m not good with commitment, Sawyer. You had to know that.”