In It to Win It (Wynn Hockey)

by Kelly Jamieson

  “But controlling your emotions doesn’t mean playing with no passion,” Uncle Mark says.

  They’re both looking at me like they’re worried about me. What the hell is that about?

  “Life is better with no passion.” I attempt a smile. “Easier to stay out of trouble.”

  “That’s fucked up, Jean Paul.”

  Oh, shit. I’m in trouble when my dad is calling me by my full name.

  “What’s going on with you?” Dad rubs his chin. “Are things okay with you and Taylor?”

  I jerk with surprise. “Uh. We broke up.”

  Dad and Uncle Mark exchange loaded glances.

  “What happened?” Dad folds his arms across his chest.

  I shrug and avoid his eyes. “It’s better not to be involved with someone. Like I said, I’ve been working hard to do better. Stay out of trouble.”

  “What does she have to do with that?”

  “Oh fuck no.” Uncle Mark scowls. “Was that what that fight with Martinez was about? Jesus! I forgot about what happened at the wedding.”

  They both level me with condemning looks.

  My gut cramps up. Then a wave of heat submerges me, and I can’t breathe.

  It’s all too fucking much.

  I’m a Wynn. I have to be the best. And I can’t be. I just can’t.

  The pressure is suffocating. I can’t do anything right. I play with too much emotion or I don’t play with enough. I find a woman who’s warm and kind and caring, but I can’t care about her because it fucks up my game.

  “He said crap about her,” I burst out. “I had to hit him.”

  The air in the room goes silent and heavy.

  “I see,” Uncle Mark says slowly.

  Dad covers his eyes with his hand.

  “I know, I know. That’s why I broke up with her. I can’t be losing my shit like that over a woman.”

  “You know he probably didn’t mean it,” Dad says. “He was just trying to get to you.”

  “I know that! And it worked! Fuck.” I drop my head.

  “Will it happen again?” Uncle Mark asks.

  “No! Like I said, that’s why we broke up.”

  “So if Martinez insults her to your face again, you won’t deck him?”

  “I…I…” I close my eyes. “He better not.”

  “Jean Paul. Are you in love with her?”

  I roll my eyes, curling my hands into fists. “Why?”

  “Look,” Dad says. “It’s understandable that someone insulting the woman you love would upset you. But it’s going to upset you whether you and Taylor are together…or not. People say stuff to you. The best chirps go for a guy’s weakness. They ever tell you your mom likes butt play?”

  My jaw slackens.

  “Ha.” Uncle Mark grins. “One time some asshole told me he saved money on car insurance by riding my mom.”

  Dad and Uncle Mark both guffaw.

  “Not even funny right now,” I mutter.

  “The point is, guys are always going to go after you for something if they think it’ll throw you off. You gotta ignore them, whether it’s about your mom, your girlfriend or your damn dog.” Dad pauses. “Breaking up with Taylor isn’t gonna fix that. Actually…”

  “What?” I frown, my mind unable to make sense of what they’re saying.

  “I think you were playing better when you were with her.”

  I think my head’s going to explode. “I have to go.” I stand. “Are we done?”

  No other player would get away with such disrespectful behavior, and this just makes me hate myself even more.

  But Uncle Mark nods, and Dad says, “Yeah. But I’m here if you need me, Jean Paul. As your dad.”

  When I get home, I know Taylor has been there. Don’t ask me how, I just feel it. Maybe a hint of her scent. Or it could be the Christmas present sitting in the middle of my coffee table that wasn’t there when I left.

  I sit down and eye it. The tag reads, “To JP, From Byron.”

  I glance at the dog. He’s watching me eagerly, as if he’s waiting for me to open it. “You got this for me, huh, dude? Good doggo.”

  Slowly I pick up the square wrapped gift. I loosen the shiny red ribbon and peel off the paper. Then I open the white cardboard box. Nestled in tissue is a mug. I pull it out.

  I smile. A color picture of a happy Byron adorns the mug. I fucking love it. I didn’t want to admit it when Taylor was asking me about that, but I really am going to miss the mutt.

  Trust me to fall in love with a dog who’s not even mine.

  Then I turn the mug around and see the words on the other side:

  JP,

  Thanks for

  picking up

  my poop.

  Love, Byron

  Fuck!

  My nose burns and my eyes prickle.

  I drop my head forward, holding the mug in both hands, squeezing my eyes shut.

  I have never felt like such an asshole in my life.

  Taylor

  My office is closed until Monday, so I don’t have to go to work. I’m grateful in one way, but it might be good to have something to distract me from my wrecked heart. I know that’s dramatic, but I don’t care.

  Lacey and Everly and I get together Saturday for lunch to exchange gifts since we didn’t do it before the holidays. Everyone was busy with Christmas parties and such. I haven’t told them that JP and I broke up and I’m not looking forward to it, but I do kind of feel a need for some girl support.

  We meet at Bistro del Rey. Seated at a square table near the window, we have views of the marina, wispy clouds streaking the pale blue sky above the boat masts and palm fronds fluttering in the breeze.

  We exchange hugs and settle into chairs, arranging our purses and gift bags.

  “First up is cocktails!” Lacey says. “Let’s see what they have.”

  I smooth my hand over the white linen tablecloth and pick up a menu. “Oh, I see what I want.” They have a cocktail called Sunflower—lemon, grapefruit wedges, gin, and Bourbon. “This was made for me.” Except my throat closes up and my chest aches, thinking about JP calling me Sunshine. Buying me beautiful sunflower gifts. My bottom lip pushes out, but I firm it up and swallow hard.

  Once we’ve ordered drinks, we take our time with the lunch menu.

  “You look tired, Taylor,” Everly says. “Busy Christmas? How was your trip?”

  “My trip was awesome.” I play with a fork. “It was so much fun to see my nieces, and my sister of course.”

  “You don’t sound like it was fun.”

  I sigh. “Okay. I might as well just get this out. JP and I are no longer seeing each other.”

  Stunned silence presses against my ears. I look up at my friends and see their wide eyes and parted lips in identical expressions.

  “What happened?” Lacey touches her throat.

  “I’m not even sure. We had a fight, just before Christmas, but I thought we got over that.”

  “What was the fight about?”

  “I, uh, told him about how I wanted Manny to know I was with him at the wedding. He freaked out because he thought I was just using him to get back at Manny.”

  “Ohhhh.” Lacey grimaces.

  “I explained it to him, and he apologized and it was fine. And then after what happened with Byron—”

  “Oh my God!” Everly claps a hand over her mouth. “Is Byron okay?”

  “Yes, he’s fine.”

  “What happened?” Lacey sits up straight, looking back and forth between Everly and me.

  Everly tells the story, since she was there, and honestly even though it could have been tragic, she’s so funny and it’s such a ridicul
ous story, she has me and Lacey cracking up.

  “You ladies are having fun.” Our server arrives with our drinks. He smiles as he sets them in front of us.

  “Yes.” Lacey wipes a tear from her eye. “We are.”

  I can’t believe I’m laughing when I feel so shitty. “I love you guys.”

  “Oh, hon.” Lacey sobers. “Okay, back to you and JP…”

  “He felt terrible about Byron.” I sip my drink. “Oh my God, this is good. This is going to last about two seconds.” I take another taste. “He’s so hard on himself. He makes a mistake and he beats himself up over it forever.”

  Everly nods slowly. “Yeah. You’re right.”

  “Anyway, he came over to my place and said he was breaking up with me because he’s not cut out for relationships.”

  Lacey winces. “I did warn you about that.”

  Everly frowns at Lacey. “That’s not really helpful, Lace.”

  Lacey’s eyes widen. “I’m just trying to…shit. You’re right. I’m sorry. That wasn’t helpful at all.”

  “I know you tried to warn me.” I sigh. “I should have listened. I thought…we could just have fun. I gave up on finding love after my parents split up, but…it found me.”

  Lacey tips her head to one side. “You’re in love with him.”

  My bottom lip quivers. “Yes.”

  Both women reach out to squeeze my hand.

  “He’s an idiot.” Everly huffs out a breath.

  “Men,” Lacey says. “What are you going to do?”

  “I don’t know.” I finger my sunflower necklace. “He gave me this for Christmas.” I show them, and they peer at it and oooh and aaah. “And a sort of painting that says ‘You are my sunshine.’ ”

  “Aw.” Lacey actually tears up. “That’s so sweet.”

  I sniff. “I know. I can’t believe he turned around and broke up with me.”

  “He’ll figure it out,” Everly says. “I know he will.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “Because I’m going to kick him in the nuts and help him.”

  I laugh. “Don’t do that. You don’t have to get involved.”

  Everly appears unconvinced. “We’ll see.”

  “Maybe Théo should talk to him.” Lacey’s eyes brighten. “JP helped Théo when I left him.”

  “I don’t want people interfering. I just want him…to be happy. Maybe he does need to talk to someone, though.”

  “You’re a better woman than I am.” Everly lifts her Negroni and drinks. “I’d want to kick him in the nuts.”

  “I’m so glad I have you both.” I lift my glass and touch the rim to Everly’s, then Lacey’s. “The crazy thing is, I didn’t want to fall in love. After what happened with my parents, I realized love doesn’t last for anyone, so why even try. Dammit, I don’t know how this happened.”

  “I do.” Lacey smiles. “It’s because you’re you. And you’re full of love. Which is why we love you.”

  “Stawp. You’re going to make me cry again.” I blink away tears. “Enough crying. Let’s get drunk.”

  “I’m in.” Everly lifts her glass.

  Chapter 26

  JP

  We practice Saturday morning. I eat lunch at the arena with the guys, then head out to do some shit. I have suits to pick up at the dry cleaners, food to buy, and I need new socks. Exciting stuff. I’m about to go home when I get a text from Théo.

  Get your ass over here.

  I smile grimly, remembering getting a text like this last spring, when Lacey took off back to Vegas.

  I send him a reply.

  Okay, okay. Meet me at Time Out. When can you be there?

  I know he’s talking about a sports bar in Manhattan Beach. I sigh. Does he just assume I have nothing else going on? Fine, I have nothing else going on.

  Half an hour

  Okay.

  When I walk in a while later, he’s already there, drinking a beer. I high-five him. “You won.”

  “Won what?”

  “The race to get here first.”

  He laughs.

  I pull the stool out from the high-top table and slide onto it. “What’s up? Lacey leave you again?”

  “Fuck off.”

  The pretty waitress appears. “Hi there.” She looks at me. “What can I get you?”

  I order a craft beer and she disappears. I look at Théo with a cocked eyebrow.

  “This is about you and Taylor.”

  I roll my eyes. “Great.”

  “What the fuck did you do?”

  I heave a gusty sigh. “Taylor talked to Lacey, right?”

  “Yep.”

  Then I drop the smart-ass ’tude. “She okay?” I finger a paper napkin on the table.

  “No. She’s not.”

  My insides spasm painfully and my chest throbs. I keep staring at the napkin.

  “Be glad it’s not Everly here, because she wants to do some damage to your lucky charms.”

  I choke. “What?”

  “Your twigs and berries.”

  “Come on!”

  “Bits and pieces.”

  I scowl.

  He laughs. “Big Joe and the twins?”

  “Slightly better.”

  The waitress brings my beer with a gratifyingly flirty smile.

  “Okay, seriously, what’s going on?” I pick up my glass.

  “You broke up with Taylor.”

  “Yeah.” I take a big gulp.

  Last time he and I met here, we confessed some messed-up stuff, feelings we’d had about each other our whole lives that had impacted our relationship. And our relationships with others. So I’m guessing Théo is after more bro talk.

  “Why? You don’t care about her?”

  It takes me a while to find words. “I do care about her,” I choke out. “Too much. I can’t do that. It fucks up my mind.”

  “Hmmm.” He sips his beer. “I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t stick my head that far up my ass.”

  “Asshole.” I drink my own beer.

  “Look. You gave me shit when I screwed up with Lacey. I’m here to return the favor.”

  I nod. This is what I expected. “Go for it.”

  His lips twitch. “Tell me why you really broke up with her.”

  I sigh. “Because of that fight with Martinez.”

  He looks at me like I’m speaking Cantonese.

  “I punched him because he insulted Taylor.”

  His expression lightens. “Ah! Okay, now we’re getting somewhere.”

  “Don’t you see?” I glare at him. “I’ve been trying so hard to stay out of trouble. To control my emotions on the ice. She’s got me all fucked up and confused, and then I go and lose it because of her. It cost us two fucking games! Dad and Uncle Mark are pissed at me. Hell, the whole team is pissed at me.” I shake my head bitterly. “I can’t go losing my shit over a woman. I need to stick to my goal. But I keep fucking up.” The words come out rough and scratchy. “I keep dating women I shouldn’t. I keep losing my temper on the ice. I keep doing stupid shit like letting Lacey’s dog piss on the Christmas tree and eat poison. I nearly killed her dog. And I insulted her by implying she’s just like Emma.”

  “What—and I can’t stress this enough—the fuck?”

  I snort-laugh.

  “Seriously, man? Emma? You think Taylor is like Emma? As Mom would say, esti de câlice de tabarnak!”

  “Ha. Mom has never in her life said that.”

  “Pretty sure she said that the time we tried to ski off the garage roof and you broke your wrist. Never mind that.” He glares at me.

  “I don’t t
hink she’s like Emma.” I rub my forehead. “It was a misunderstanding. I apologized.”

  “Thank fuck for that.”

  “But see? When I do the wrong things, it’s the wrongest thing of all the wrongs that ever wronged. It was best to end things with her.”

  He laughs. Fucker.

  Théo tips his head back and looks at the ceiling. “Everyone fucks up. It’s how you learn.”

  “Why don’t I learn, then?”

  “You don’t learn because you don’t let yourself learn. You don’t let it go. You keep whipping yourself. You know you have to let shit go when it comes to sports. You screw up, make a turnover, a bad pass, miss a shot…you have to let it go.”

  I pause. “I know that.”

  “Then do it! Let it go in your private life too.” He pauses. “I forgive you, JP.”

  His blunt words set me back. I stare at him.

  “I forgive you for what happened with Emma. Now fucking forgive yourself.”

  I can’t even speak for a minute, reeling. Then I manage, “That’s not what this is about.”

  “Isn’t it?” He frowns.

  I let his words play over in my head again. I’ve heard this before. After I nearly killed Byron, Taylor reminded me that not being judgmental is part of dealing with stress. Including judging myself.

  Oh Jesus.

  He’s right.

  I’m still pissed at myself for what I did to him.

  “Fuck,” I mutter.

  Last time we sat in this bar, I confessed to Théo. I told him I felt I could never be as good as him, so I just tried to be badder. My whole life I’ve embraced that bad boy, that cool guy who hides his feelings under a cocky smirk, who lets his bitterness get in the way of making good decisions, who takes the blame for shit he didn’t do. And yet…way down deep inside, I don’t want to be that guy. I want to be better. And I’ve been trying. I’m not perfect, but I’ve been honestly trying. But I can’t get past the secret, hidden fear that I can’t be better.

  Now I’ve lost the best woman I’ve ever met—a woman who apparently likes me despite all my goddamn flaws, a woman who makes me a better man because I want to be worthy of her, a woman who forgives me when I screw up—because I can’t forgive myself.