“Oh come on. Didn’t you ever go to Beaver Dam as a teenager? We loved jumping off that cliff.”
“I wasn’t allowed to go. My dad said people went missing too often.”
She rolled her eyes. “Woman, you were too sheltered. Live a little.” After making the statement she began climbing the rock to join everyone else. Sure, I felt like a loser standing at the bottom while everyone else had fun at the top. I wasn’t sure if I was afraid of heights, since I’d never really been far up in the air before, but I knew I wouldn’t like that.
I could hear them messing around. Major’s two older brothers jumped at the same time. As they fell they swung their arms around in a circular motion, hitting the water feet first. Like the worry-wart I’d always been, I stared at the whitecaps until I saw them both surface. Feeling relieved, I turned my attention back to the highest point. One of the twins screamed and jumped. I could hear her voice until she was submerged. Her sister waited until she’d swam to safety to jump herself. She twisted her body around and raised her hands above her head like the head of a pencil.
The next person to jump turned out to be Shawna. She danced at the edge, saying something to the people remaining. Her jump wasn’t anything fancy, and when she rose from the water I clapped and cheered her on, feeling a bit of excitement come over me. She’d done what I was unable to do, and I admired her for being brave.
My two sisters to-be jumped holding hands. They also screamed, so loud it echoed off the cliff as they traveled below. I laughed at them, discovering this was quite entertaining to watch. Oden, Major’s youngest brother went after them. He did a flip and a half and landed on his side. Everyone reacted like it hurt. When his face came out of the water he cried out.
My first thought was to run to him, but he walked out seemingly unharmed except for his ego. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, damn that hurt. It serves me right for listening to their asses. That’s going to leave a mark for sure.”
“It looked painful.” I watched the cliff for the next jumper. “What’s everyone saying up there?”
“We’re putting our bets in on Vince and Major. When I jumped it was a split between them. Hopefully Vince will bust his ass in front of his girlfriend. She’s too good for him anyway.”
For a second I suspected Oden had the hots for the stripper, not that it was any of my business. As long as she wasn’t pawing over my man I really didn’t care what kinds of things were happening on this trip. I was there for one reason and he was still up on top of a cliff making stupid bets for his ego.
Nathan jumped next. He too did a flip and managed to land straight. It was actually impressive seeing him. I clapped when he came from the water shaking off his wet head. “That was cool.”
“It pretty damn high up there. I had to take a second to gain the courage,” he admitted.
While we stood there speaking a few more people took their turn, leaving Vince and Major the only two left to go. I covered my hands over my face and wait to see which one of them jumped first.
Major stood on the very edge. He put both arms out to the side to balance himself. Watching him up there so high made me want to look away. I couldn’t stand seeing him in such a dangerous position. If something happened to him I didn’t know what I’d do. He took a leap off the ledge and went soaring into the air. His family whistled and cheered all around me while I watched in dismay, praying he’d land and surface quickly.
Major maneuvered his body into two flips before landing in the water feet first. He came up out of the water smacking it with both hands as if he’d failed at some special attempt. From the cliff top Vince laughed and pointed at him, calling him names.
I ambled toward Major as he came from the water’s edge. “That was intense.” I reached a towel in his direction, but he shoved it back away from him. His attention was focused on Vince. This was personal, and I’d never seen him so competitive.
Vince swung his arms around and stood backward on the edge. He bent his knees and then pushed off, spinning twice before landing perfectly into a dive. I had to admit it was quite amazing, though Major obviously didn’t feel that way.
Without saying a single word he started back up the cliff. I grabbed his arm, trying to stop him. “Come on. You’ve done enough today. Don’t let it get to you. It’s just a dive. You said it yourself. You always do better than him.”
He spun around. “That’s just it, Bails. I can’t let him beat me. I’ll never live it down.”
I was feeling emotional. “Major, let’s just go back to the room and get washed up for dinner. I have to meet your grandparents tonight. I’m nervous. Please. I just want to head out.”
He leaned over and kissed me on the forehead as Vince marched up near us. “How does it feel to be schooled on your own turf? I’ve waited years for this shit. Admit it, Major. I kicked your ass.”
Major pulled away from our embrace and looked at his friend. “This ain’t over. I was just warming up.”
I couldn’t grab him fast enough to stop him. Major was already climbing up the steep rocks for a second attempt, the whole time Vince egging him on, followed his brothers. I was outnumbered, and the only thing keeping me from freaking out was the fact that he’d done this so many times before.
With shaking hands I looked up at the top and saw the love of my life positioning himself for the jump. Everyone got quiet as he pushed off backwards and began spinning in the air, making three full circles before landing head first. From where I stood it looked beautiful. Even Vince had shut his mouth. We all ran to the water’s edge to congratulate him. We waited. I searched the white capped water, but he didn’t surface.
At first I thought he was kidding, playing a joke on me because I was freaking out so much. Then something twisted in the pit of my stomach, as seconds turned to minutes the beach filled with concern. We all ran toward the water, the men diving in to start searching. I was screaming his name, silently pleading with God and the angels to make this all just some convoluted plan to get a rise out of his cocky friend.
Then I spotted Oden, coming up from the water dragging a limp body on his back.
I couldn’t reach them fast enough, and neither could anyone else. We all crowded around his body as Oden and Tony started CPR.
I could hear the cries of his sisters, and the pleading coming from his brothers as they worked on him. Someone was calling for a medic, the twins screaming. I could feel Shawna offering me comfort while it was all transpiring, but I couldn’t say anything. I remained frozen in place staring at his lifeless body. I was terrified, lethargic, and unable to reach him. It didn’t take a doctor to know Major’s fate. His neck was broken. It had happened when he hit the water. He hadn’t suffered when his life was taken. In the blink of an eye, he’d left us.
The love of my life was gone. He’d died right in front of us, and in that moment I felt a pain I never knew existed. My love was gone. My future was over. Everything was lost. Exactly twenty-four hours before we were to wed my Major had lost his life, our happy ending, and I couldn’t remember the last words he’d said to me. I wanted that cliff to collapse and fall on top of me, taking my life so I could be with my beloved. I didn’t want to stand over his body watching for signs of life I knew wouldn’t come. I’d never see his beautiful eyes gazing at me. I’d never feel his tender kisses. Everything I’d dreamed our future to be was gone.
I felt my knees buckling as I collapsed down on the sandy beach nearly four feet away from Major’s dead body. My sobs started out silent, but quickly became full-fledged wailing. I screamed and sobbed until everything started spinning. This had to be nightmare. It couldn’t be happening to us, not with everyone he loved so close.
Before I felt myself passing out I saw Vince. He had both hands over his head and tears streamed down his face. Major had died trying to impress him. He’d taken away my future. This was his entire fault. He hadn’t just killed Major. He’d taken my life as well. I didn’t want to live without the love
of my life. In that instant I knew how my father felt when my mother passed away. I felt the crippling pain firsthand. I now understood why being around me hurt him so much. I was a constant reminder of what he’d never have again. Unlike my father, I wasn’t married to Major. We didn’t have children to carry on his name. He was gone, and I was alone. This was his fate, and nothing was going to bring him back.
The sounds of the ambulance didn’t comfort me or give me hope. His brother’s had already stopped administering CPR. His heart had stopped. They hadn’t gotten a pulse since they pulled him from the water. As they all huddled together coming to grips with what had gone terribly wrong, I felt everything getting cloudy. Then I just stopped fighting it.
Chapter 10
I wonder if people who’ve never lost someone can imagine the amount of pain it takes to bury the person you love.
Can they sympathize or do they only say it to make us feel better? Is it etiquette to say they’re sorry for our loss? Are they really? I mean, what can they do to make it all better?
Nothing.
From the time they put Major on the gurney and carted him into the ambulance I knew it was only downhill from there. I was given water and told to remain seated in case I became dizzy again. The atmosphere was chaotic as his parents and my father showed up. I’m not sure which one of the kids made the call, or maybe a local recognized us. At any rate I glanced up to see his mother grabbing on to her husband for support. Her eyes didn’t find mine until she’d been met by everyone else present. I’m sure they wanted to know what happened, but I couldn’t be the one to explain.
My father approached me and sat down beside me on the rock. He placed his hand on my thigh and patted it. “We came as fast as we could.”
I rested my head on his shoulder, knowing out of everyone there he could relate to the pain, just not the shock. He’d been able to say goodbye to my mother, unlike my time with Major. “Tell me this isn’t happening.”
“You know I’m not one to sugarcoat things, love. I wish it wasn’t the truth. Major was a good man.” Hearing him saying it out loud, speaking of Major in the past tense made it all the more real. My heart was being ripped apart and there was nothing my dad could do to stop it. “I’m so sorry.”
“Why? I don’t understand why?” I cried harder, accepting his strong hold when he buried my head against his chest.
“God, I never wanted you to experience this. I tried to hide it from you when I lost your mom.”
I could hear someone walking toward us. “We’re heading to the hospital. They need to make the declaration. It’s probably best if you both ride with Major’s parents. They’re waiting for you.”
I pulled away from my father but didn’t respond to Shawna. I think she could tell I didn’t have any words. I was out of rational ideas with what to do. Now I was being forced to go through the motions because it’s what was expected from me.
When we reached their car Major’s mom was in the passenger seat sobbing into her hands. His father remained silent, but I recognized it was because he was fighting back his own pain.
For the duration of the ride, I stared out the window, replaying the accident in my mind over and over. I could see the exact moment his neck snapped now, and I hated it. I despised knowing that the image of it would be forever captured in my memory. I’d never live another second without wishing I’d tried harder to stop him. I was the only person who could have prevented it. Major would still be here if I could have stood up to Vince. While hearing his mother’s sobs in the front I lost myself in the back seat. I cried for my Major, future father to the children we’d never have. The man I should have married. The person who would always hold my whole heart.
By the time we reached the hospital they’d already brought Major’s body in. We were taken to a small waiting area and told to wait. I knew it was just a matter of signing papers, but we still remained. My father sat silently. Major’s dad made a few calls and gave family members the horrible news, while his mother came over to sit beside me. She reached her hand over and placed it on mine. We leaned our heads together and sobbed in unison. Major’s absence would rock our lives. Everything we’d lived for was about to change. I couldn’t imagine what it was like for a parent to outlive their child. I was unable to fathom how it would affect every holiday and family gathering. I didn’t want to think about what burying him would be like. If he were my child I’d throw myself on the lowering coffin, begging to go with him. I wouldn’t want to wake up every day knowing he was gone.
I’d never been a morbid person, but the truth was that this was real life. He’d been taken from us too soon. Where I’d imagined growing old next to him, spending every night in his arms, and being the best wife was never going to happen. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered in between my crying.
When she began to say something the rest of the family rushed into the room, including two elderly people I recognized as being Major’s grandparents. I watched his mother rush to her own, letting the feeble woman fall against her in utter shock. I’d been sitting there wondering how a mother could bury her child, but never once did it occur to me that this was a grandmother having to go through it.
Shawna came into the room and pulled me aside. She led me into a restroom and handed me a change of clothes. I hadn’t even noticed I was still in a bikini, not that I cared. It wouldn’t have mattered if I was standing there naked. Nothing would bring him back.
“I can’t go back out there,” I confessed while she helped put both my feet into a pair of shorts.
“Bails, I don’t know what to do to help you. Just tell me what you need and I’ll get it. Honey, I’m so very sorry. My God I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I know how much you loved him.” She couldn’t even finish her sentence without breaking down. How was I supposed to hold myself together when even my best friend was a mess?
“Unless you can bring him back there’s nothing to do. He’s gone, Shawna. The love of my life is gone. How am I supposed to continue living without him? We had a life planned! We had a fucking life planned.” I tossed a sandal across the bathroom out of rage.
“I know you’re hurting and you’re angry, but you’ve got to be strong right now. The family needs you. You’re his link to him. You’re not alone.”
In theory I wasn’t alone, but in my heart I was. It didn’t matter how many people cared about me. The one person I needed in my life was gone. He was never coming back. There wouldn’t be another day in my life where I’d come home from work and see him cooking dinner for us. I wouldn’t have a movie date on Thursday nights that always led to love making. He’d never hold me in his strong arms, and soon I’d forget what it felt like to kiss his tender lips.
I burst into tears again, this time not holding anything back. I sunk to the floor and ignored Shawna’s presence. I couldn’t bear to feel her touching me, holding me, and telling me how sorry she was. Sorry didn’t bring him back. It wouldn’t. Nothing could.
It kept repeating in my head.
Major was gone forever.
His life was over.
We would never be married.
Having his children was out of the question.
I was alone, dependent on myself once again and it petrified me. I wanted him back, and I didn’t care how wrong that sounded. How was I to go on when all that I loved had been ripped away? Was I cursed? Did loving him do this? Was I doomed to be alone? Was he too good for me to have?
Nothing made sense. As millions of terrible questions floated around in my brain I felt myself slipping away from reality. I knew he was gone, yet I clung to hope that I was going to wake up next to him smiling and displaying those deep dimples I loved so much. I pictured looking into his hazel toned eyes and seeing myself in them. Major loved me with all that he was. Not many people can feel that type of connection in their lives. We were the couple others wanted to be. We had it all.
I don’t know how long I wept on that bathroom floor with my silent bes
t friend next to me. It didn’t even occur to me that maybe she was crying too. Major’s death impacted so many lives because he was a good soul. He dropped what he was doing to lend a hand. That’s just the type of man my fiancé was. I wouldn’t let his death be in vain. If this was really happening I couldn’t allow people to forget that. He had to be remembered for the good man he lived his life as. He had to be praised for loving me with his whole heart. I didn’t know how I was supposed to get up off the bathroom floor and push forward, but when I figured it out I vowed to not let his death be forgotten. Everyone needed to know he was the man of my dreams; the one person in the world I was meant to spend the rest of my life with.
Chapter 11
How many times a day is it normal to think about the person you love? Does it ever become a burden?
Major had been gone for 7 hours and visions of him flooded my mind, so much that I couldn’t begin to come to grips with what to do next. His parents, bless their hearts, had already signed off on his death, claiming his body and getting information needed to transport him for burial. It’s amazing how quickly that process can work. I didn’t have any right to ask that he be buried in the states, and since practically the entire family was present for the wedding they decided to lay him to rest in the family mausoleum in Sicily. Many folk in Italy and surrounding areas were placed to rest above ground for space issues. I remember Major’s parents talking about it a long while back.
It was wrong, while still being irrational and in denial, I started thinking about all the people having to go out shopping for something black. They’d flown to this country to celebrate a beach wedding. Now they were going to need to wear black and spend their time in a cemetery. The thought of it made me sick. I don’t know how many times I’d swallowed my own vomit since the accident. The sandwich I’d claimed to be the best I’d ever had was itching to vacate my body. I wanted to feel empty, because I was empty.
Happily Ever Never Page 7
