Much of the ride back to the hotel was in silence. I don’t recall looking out the window at the beautiful scenery. I can’t remember if anyone spoke. I was in a daze, dumbfounded and broken. I wanted a truck to hit my side of the car to put me out of my misery. Wherever Major was I wanted to be with him; I needed to be. I was despondent, weeping, and lost. I longed for it to all go away. I prayed to God asking why he’d take someone so beautiful away from us. I begged for understanding, and the ability to heal, because I knew the more time passed the harder it would become. People say time heals all wounds, but I don’t believe that. I still ache for my mother just as much as I ever did before. The fact that Major was my entire future made it even worse. I knew I’d never wake up and not need him; not long for him to be next to me, whispering sweet nothings and promising to love me for an eternity.
I had to be helped out of the vehicle. Much to my surprise my father was waiting for me. He pulled me into his arms and held me tight for a few minutes. In all honesty I suppose he was holding me up. My legs were too weak to communicate with my mind. I was slowly shutting down because it was the only thing I knew how to do. It was the only way I could be numb and avoid experiencing the brutal fate of my future.
Instead of being taken up to my room, my father led me to the second floor where he was situated. He opened the door for me, watching me walk in slowly. When a light brightened the space I noticed two beds, a suitcase placed on top of one of them. He quickly walked over and removed it, allowing me a place to sit. I didn’t though, sit that is. Instead I balled my body up and rested my head on a pillow in a nesting position. I was in too much pain to sleep, yet too emotionally broken to talk about it.
I could hear my father sitting down on the bed across from mine. He probably had his hands on his knees like he sat when he was thinking. I knew he was searching for words that would never come. The fact that he was caring for me would have to be enough. This wasn’t something I’d overcome. He had to know that from his own experience.
Some time went by before he turned on the television to a low volume. I knew he couldn’t understand a word they were saying, but I suppose it broke up the silence in the room, and gave him something to do other than desperately worry about my well-being.
While I laid there I thought about the moment he came into my bedroom and told me my mother was gone. It was two weeks after my fourteenth birthday. She’d promised me when she felt better that we’d go out shopping. I assumed he was speaking to me to inform me of the good news; that she’d recovered and had been cleared to live normally. I never suspected he’d tell me she was gone.
As the words escaped his lips I sat there watching him like a zombie. It was as if I left my body and was watching myself falling apart.
For the first few days I hated him. I blamed him for not taking me to see her more. I despised him for not letting me say goodbye. I wondered how he could have been so cold.
Now I understood more than ever that he was protecting me, or at least trying to. I couldn’t see it back then when I was naïve and needing to pin my pain on something other than my own traumatized heart. The day I lost my mother my life changed. I thought it had made me stronger. I thought I could handle anything. I believed that I couldn’t be broken again. Perhaps I’d just been in denial all this time. Maybe nothing can strengthen a person to that extent; where they are no longer able to hurt.
The severity of my loss left me aloof. There were moments through the night where I awoke disoriented, wondering where I was, and how I’d gotten there. It was as if my mind wouldn’t remind me of the truth. It wanted me to forget, even though it wasn’t possible. I tossed and turned throughout the wee hours of the morning. At one point I woke up to the sound of snoring and swore it was Major. I jumped straight up and looked to my left to find an empty spot. I became so emotional I had to go out on the balcony to avoid alarming my father. The moment I laid on the lounge my memories of the night before flooded my mind. I could still feel his warm body against mine; the comforting touch of his hands, and the way his lips brushed over my hair.
I hugged the front of my body with my arms, desperate to reenact that moment between us. I wanted the radiating heat to remind me of every second we spent together. I was desperate for that connection, because I swore if I held onto it I’d be able to survive this.
The sun came up far too quickly. It didn’t wake me, because I hadn’t slept for a single moment. I thought my father would come find me when he finally got out of bed, but it was Shawna who opened the sliding glass door. “Oh sweetie, what are you doing out here?”
“I couldn’t sleep,” I answered truthfully.
“Come with me. We’re going to get you cleaned up and I’ll stay with you while you get some much needed rest.”
I jerked my arm away from her. “I don’t need to sleep.”
“Don’t be stubborn, Bails. You have to rest to remain healthy. This will take a toll on you.”
“You don’t get it. I do not want to sleep, because that second I opened my eyes again it will all return. It will be like experiencing it over and over again. I can’t deal with it. I can’t see it happening in slow motion. It won’t stop. It won’t stop replaying.” I covered my face with my hands and began crying tears I didn’t think I had left. “I can’t do this without him. I don’t want to.” I knew confessing something like that was a red flag to someone that I probably needed help. I wouldn’t have blamed Shawna if she felt the need to commit me, though I knew nothing could help. Even the strongest of medications couldn’t bring him back to me. “I’m going to live the rest of my sullen life alone. If you can’t accept that then there’s the door.” I pointed toward the slider.
“You don’t mean that. I wouldn’t let you push me away even if I thought you did. You’re hurting. I get it. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through. I know you feel dead inside. I can see it from looking at you. You want to give up.”
“You’re right, I do. The moment he took his last breath my life was over. He was everything to me, Shawna. Don’t you get it? I have nothing now. All I want is Major.”
“Come on.” She forced me to stand up. “We’re getting you changed. Major’s mother called for you this morning. You need to be with her now. You need each other.”
I wanted to argue; to tell her she didn’t know what she was talking about, but it would be a losing battle. Shawna always got what she wanted, and in this situation she was probably right. I needed someone to relate to me.
“Fine. I won’t fight you.”
I don’t know why I agreed to it. Maybe I just didn’t have the energy to think it all out. As we walked up to the door with my room number I felt queasy again. If we walked inside I’d see his things, our things. I’d see where he last held me, the bed we last made love in.
Shawna opened the door and turned to see me refusing to take a step inside. “I can’t do this.”
“You have to.”
“No, please don’t make me. Don’t do this, not yet.”
“Would it be easier if I put all his things in the closet?” Hearing her ask that was like an alarm going off in my brain. I didn’t want anyone touching his things. I didn’t want housekeeping making the bed or washing the tub. Everything had to remain as it was.
“No! Don’t touch his things.”
She put her hands up. “Okay, I won’t.”
Without telling her what I was going to do, I took her by the arm and pulled her out of the room, then rushed inside, shutting and locking it behind me. With my eyes closed I leaned against that door, hearing her banging to be let in. She called me names and cursed, but I wouldn’t change my mind.
I took a step forward before letting my lids slowly open up. The gasp that escaped me probably was the last piece of my heart leaving my body. There wasn’t an inch of that room that didn’t remind me of Major. His watch was still on the bedside table. The bottle of water we’d shared after making love was half full next to it. His boxers
were on the floor only inches from where I stood. His white linen outfit he was going to wear on the beach to marry me was hanging in the open closest.
I ran into the bathroom to get sick, even though I doubted there was anything left in me to come out. After flushing the toilet I headed to the sink to rinse out my mouth. That’s when I saw all of his toiletries. I snatched his toothbrush off the counter and sank down to the floor, clutching it closely to my heart. “Why? Why did you have to leave me? I can’t do this without you. It’s not a life without you in it.”
I sobbed uncontrollably, wondering if ending my life would be the best solution for me. I knew heaven frowned upon suicide, but it Hell had to be a better place than this. Without rationally considering what I was doing, and how many people I’d hurt, I reached for his straight razor and held it to my wrist. I had the medical knowledge to make it quick. I’d lose enough blood and fade off into a sleep I wouldn’t wake up from. Maybe for just a second I’d be able to see him again; to touch his perfect olive skin and feel his lips on mine.
It was what I longed for; the only thing that would take the pain away. I just wanted to stop mourning. This was how I needed it to end.
Chapter 12
It seemed like a good idea until she interrupted.
“Oh no you don’t!” Shawna snatched the blade out of my hand and tossed it in the tub. I’d been sitting there for a while staring at my vein, contemplating if I had the nerve to pierce it. “This isn’t the answer.”
I looked away, embarrassed that I’d considered it to be my only option. “How did you get in here?”
“I have the room key, dumbass. Be glad I did. I won’t let you take the easy route out of here. We’re all hurting. You aren’t alone, Bailey.”
“Just leave me alone. I won’t do anything stupid.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” She reached down and picked me up off the floor, leading me over to the large king-sized bed. “Climb in and get under the covers.”
I halted, unable to imagine messing up the covers Major had last touched. “I can’t.”
“Why?”
“He left them like that.” I pointed to his side of the bed. “I can’t move them.”
I knew she was becoming frustrated, but I was adamant. “Fine. Let’s get you showered and changed.” While I stood there staring at the bed, Shawna rummaged through my suitcase until she found something appropriate to wear. She then pulled me back into the bathroom and turned on the shower. When I refused to take off my clothes she shoved me inside with them on.
I have to admit that the chilled water was awakening. It almost hurt to stand under it as the temperature heated up. She doused my hair with shampoo and began rubbing it in like I was incapable of doing it myself. “You can fight me all day long. I’m not leaving your side. I’m taking care of you, because I know you’d do the same for me.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered with soapy water going into my mouth.
“You should be. That was the dumbest choice you could have made. If you end your life I’m coming after you, do you understand me?”
I knew her threats weren’t real, but I appreciated how serious she was. I’d scared her, for that I was sorry, though I couldn’t regret wanting to stop hurting.
Shawna helped me out of my clothes. I didn’t even care that she was seeing me naked or scrubbing like I’d been infected with a plague. When she was finished she pulled me out of the stall and wrapped a towel around me. She ran into the other room and came back with a chair and a pile of clothes. “Can I trust you to get dressed or do you need help with that to?”
“I can do it,” I assured her. Instead of leaving the room, she folded her arms across her chest and waited for me to do it. I understood how she didn’t feel safe leaving me alone, so I stood up and started putting my clothes on. Once I was done she took a brush to my long hair and began blowing it dry while I sat in the chair. She said nothing as she focused on the task, and I appreciated the loud noise the machine made, because I knew she wouldn’t expect me to speak.
After she was done, she gave me little time to focus on the room and any of Major’s things. “Come on. We need to head over to the Valero’s. They’re expecting us.”
She took me by the arm and led me out of the hotel where a taxi drove us to our destination.
It wasn’t until we pulled up that I realized where I was and what was supposed to be happening. I should have been wearing my dress and preparing to walk down the sandy beach to marry my love. I choked back more tears when Shawna climbed out and waited for me to join her. The house was the same one I’d seen in pictures. The front yard was landscaped in all sorts of colored flowers. I could hear birds singing in the distance and a red cardinal swooped down just before we made it to the front step. I took a few deep breaths when Shawna rang the doorbell. It cracked open, and I saw an elderly man standing on the other side. He said something in Italian and opened it for us to enter. I tried so hard to smile. This was Major’s grandfather; the man I was so afraid to meet. His wife approached us as soon as we got inside the home. She took my hands and held both of them as she looked into my lost eyes. “cuore spezzato,” she said in a low murmur. I didn’t know what it meant and look beyond her to see Vicki there. She had a tissue in her hand and tears rolling down her cheeks. Where heavy makeup usually covered her aging face, there was nothing. She was exhausted, and in her eyes I saw the same endless pool of pain that I was experiencing. “She said broken heart,” she explained.
I let the feeble woman hug me, and in that moment I knew she would have approved of my marrying her grandson. All the worry was for nothing, yet I couldn’t even begin to feel happy about it. How could I? It wasn’t like there would be a wedding.
I didn’t know how much she could understand, because usually Major translated when we spoke, but I had to tell her how sorry I was. I had to reach out. “I loved Major with my whole heart. I’m so very sorry for your loss.”
The old woman pulled me into her arms. I could feel her body trembling as she cried with me. This wasn’t the connection I longed for, but it was enough for the time being.
Vicki came over and got in on the hug too. The three of us stood there weeping like it would help us heal. I think we all knew it couldn’t.
A little later, once we’d all calmed down, I was told that the rest of the family were out back. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to face them, especially on this particular day, but I couldn’t disrespect them. I’d have plenty of time to cope alone. For now we needed each other.
Nothing could have prepared me when I came face to face with Vince. Suddenly the whole accident played out again. I heard them bickering, and Major telling me he had something to prove. Had it not been for Vince I’d be at my wedding instead of listening to people plan a funeral.
He came right at me, as if I wanted to be near him. “Bails, I…”
I pounded my fists on his chest. “You did this! You took him from me! I hate you! I hate you so much! Stay away from me. It’s your fault he’s gone. You ruined my life.”
I had to be forced back into the house, where I knew I’d upset everyone there. When Shawna ran back inside there was nothing left to say except for what needed to be done. “Just take me back to the hotel. I can’t be near him.”
Vicki came inside after me. “Bailey, I know you’re hurting, but Vince is too. Major took that jump. He wasn’t forced.”
“No, but he was coerced. What’s the difference? If Vince has kept his mouth shut your son would still be alive. I’ll never forgive him, and I can’t sit around pretending his presence doesn’t make me ill.”
“We all understand what your feeling.”
I knew they did, but it wouldn’t change my opinion. “I’m going back to the hotel. I can’t sit here and talk about Major like he’s a memory. I’m not ready to do that. I’m not even sure if I can accept that he’s really gone. I’m sorry, but I need to go back to the hotel.”
My best friend met me out front i
n the yard. Tony Sr. was walking up the sidewalk toward us. He could tell I was in no condition for a conversation, but stopped me anyway. He took me into his arms and kissed the top of his head, much like his son did every day. I closed my eyes and accepted the sentiment. “You’ll always be our daughter-in-law. You’re a part of this family. I want you to know that.”
With tear-filled eyes I smiled but said nothing in return. Even if I could get something out I knew it wouldn’t make it easier for him.
When we arrived back at the hotel I told Shawna I needed to take a walk. I assured her I’d return unharmed, and that I just wanted to try to clear my head. All along I knew where I wanted to go and why I had to be there. As soon as she walked inside I began my hike toward the beach. Major had been right. Nearly ten minutes later, following the smell of the ocean breeze, I arrived to the place where Major took his last breath. For a while I stood with my feet barely in the sand staring out at the horizon. The wind was heavy, and there was an eerie feeling all around, especially since parts were taped off from the accident. I hugged myself while walking toward the main cliff. Though I knew I wouldn’t climb to the top, I closed my eyes and imagined I was up there. I pictured Major promising it would be his last jump, and feeling like I wanted to stop him from taking it.
I was overcome with anguish once again, sinking down into the sand as my grief stricken body gave up. I couldn’t fathom the idea of this beautiful place being the death of him. I couldn’t accept that something so perfect would take his life. Seconds was all it took for him to leave me. This wasn’t like catching him in an affair, or hearing him tell me we were over. At least then I knew he’d still be around. This kind of absence, the permanent reminder of his death was all around me, not just physically, but in every aspect of my life.
I was raised Catholic, and all my life I’d believed in God’s love. I wondered if this was how Major’s life was supposed to end. Was this the path I’d always been on? Was his death another challenge for me to overcome?
Happily Ever Never Page 8
