People say God only gives what one can handle. If that’s true than someone assumptions were wrong. I can’t be strong enough to handle losing him.
“Why did you have to do it, Major? Why did you have to leave me? You should have stayed. You let a stupid man dictate your last moments. Why? I just need to know?” I’d lost my mind. Sure, I was screaming out into a body of water as if he was going to emerge, but I didn’t care. I needed to get it out. I wanted to scream and yell until it didn’t hurt anymore. Most of all I wanted to hide. I didn’t want to look at anyone and see how sorry they felt for me and the rest of the family. I just wanted to disappear.
I stayed out on that beach until the sun set. Since I was supposed to watch it with Major as we celebrated our matrimony, it was bittersweet. There were a lot of tears, and even more one-sided conversations. I wouldn’t say it was therapeutic, but for some reason I didn’t feel alone. Maybe his spirit was lingering around until he knew I could accept that he was gone. Maybe I was grasping at straws, holding on to anything I could fabricate in my distraught mind.
Oden found me on the beach just as daylight left the horizon. He called out my name a few times before I turned around to acknowledge him. By that time he was within reach of me. “We’ve been looking everywhere for you.”
“I’ve been here all day.”
Instead of ordering me back to the hotel Oden sat down in the sand next to me. He brought his knees up and rested his arms on them. “I should have guessed you’d come here.”
“I just wanted to feel close to him. I know he’s not here.”
“He could be. Don’t give up hope that he’s out there watching us. People believe all kinds of things about the afterlife.”
“You and I were both raised to believe that kind of thing doesn’t exist,” I reminded him.
“Yet it’s been proven on several accounts. People don’t believe what they can’t see. I’d like to think my brother is still with us. I’d also like to think that he’s not going to be at peace until he knows we’re all okay, especially you, Bailey. For the longest time we all thought he’d never settle down. The day you came into his life changed him. I get how you feel like you didn’t have enough time with him, but the last two years he was happier than I’ve known him to be. He was lucky to have met you and loved you.” I could hear the young man sniffling. I knew he was breaking down while talking about his brother, so I leaned my head on his shoulder and put my arm inside of his.
“Today was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives.”
“I can’t imagine what this is like for you. I lost my brother, but you built your life around him. He wouldn’t have wanted it this way; you suffering like you are. I know if he could he’d dry your tears.”
I tried to fight the burning wetness from accumulating in my eyes. My attempts failed immediately. Sitting with someone who shared the same blood as Major was harder than I thought it would be. While Oden did his best to comfort me, I thought about the marriage I’d never experience. I imagined the children we’d never have, and the love that only he’d be able to give me. I think I could have dealt with having my wedding canceled. I could have even lived with being left at the altar. What I couldn’t live with was knowing it wasn’t what he wanted at all.
“I’m afraid that if I accept that he’s gone I’ll become someone else entirely just to be able to cope. I don’t want to be that person, but the idea of existing without him is impossible. I know it just happened. Maybe I’ll feel differently in time, but right now it’s all I can think about. Oden, your brother wasn’t just someone I wanted to marry. He was everything to me. I feel like I waited my whole life for his love.”
Oden sighed. “Yeah, I get it. I’ve never experienced something like that, but I understand.”
“If you want to head back we can. I know how depressing I must be.”
“Nah, it’s nice being here. I think we should stay a little while longer.”
So we did.
We sat there talking about Major like he was still with us, or at least watching from afar. I don’t know if it helped or made it worse, but we did it anyway.
Chapter 13
Major died four days ago.
I’d spent the last two locked in my hotel room. I’d barely eaten, showered, or communicated with anyone except for when they came to check on me. I shut everyone out on purpose. Two nights ago I put on my wedding dress and cried myself to sleep in an unfilled bathtub. I spent the next twenty-four hours ordering bottles of champagne and drinking them dry. It numbed me and made the pain easier to bear. I knew when it was time to call for more because I’d start to get emotional again.
My temporary fix wasn’t going to work on this particular day. I needed to get myself up off the floor and prepare to bury my very best friend, the man of my dreams and love of my life. On this day I’d say goodbye to him in front of a crowd of people that knew and loved him. On this day I’d bury our hopes and dreams in that casket with him. I’d say farewell to the future that would never be; to the children we’d never make. I’d bury my soul with him, because that’s where it belonged. On this particular day a part of me would die too, much like the moment I knew he was gone.
Shawna showed up first thing in the morning with a black dress and a large coffee. She handed me both and ordered me to pick myself up. I didn’t want to argue, mostly because I was too weak to do so. Instead I removed my gown and got into the shower. The beads of water were refreshing, leaving me awake and aware; two things I tried to avoid. Once I finished, I avoided makeup altogether. After dressing, I put on a pair of sunglasses Major had gotten me the summer before. If I needed to close my eyes at any point no one would notice.
Since I wanted the day to be over already, I rushed out of the room to find my father, Shawna and Nathan waiting in the lobby for me. We took a taxi to the large Catholic Church and entered together, like they were my protection team.
All eyes were on me, most of the people I didn’t recognize. The ones I did were sitting in the front row, where his casket and a large photograph of him was on display.
I cringed seeing that the casket was opened. I hadn’t had much to do with the planning, but when I requested that they have only one service and no viewing they agreed it was a good idea. Most of Major’s friends lived in the states, so having more than one service wasn’t necessary.
I was led to that front pew, avoiding eye contact with the body only feet away from me. A crowd of family members were already up there paying their last respects, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was unable to accept that he was lying in it, lifeless and gone from my life. I wanted to picture him alive and happy, in love and eager to start our future.
What lie in that casket was everything I didn’t want.
It was the end to it all.
I was greeted by each family member, kissed on the cheek, and given condolences. I wanted to appreciate them; all the people who were also in pain, yet I couldn’t let myself feel that connection. I had to be alone. It was better this way.
If there was one thing I could have felt relieved about it was the service. Done in all Italian, I couldn’t understand a word the priest was saying, and even the words that did seem familiar made no sense to me. While everyone remained emotional, I kept my glasses on, focused on that casket I knew I’d have to visit before it was all over with. I’d been to enough funerals to know what was being said. I could tell when they were praying to the rosary, and blessing Major’s life.
When the room got quiet it was obvious the service was coming to an end. I sat still in the pew as each attendant made their way up to the altar to pay their last respects before the casket was closed and taken to the nearby cemetery. I watched Major’s family stand up last and go together. They crowded around the casket, all taking turns leaning in to kiss him and leave little trinkets for him to be buried with.
Then I felt my father patting me on the leg. He leaned over and spoke in my ear. “Take as long as you ne
ed.”
I received a few nods from the family as they vacated the area and went to wait outside. His parents were the last to leave. They both approached me and I stood to hug them. At this point I couldn’t hide my emotions, not even from myself. This was it. This was where I had to go up there. When his mother pulled away she wiped her own face. “We’ll give you some time alone with him.”
I tried to conjure up a smile of some sort to thank her, but I’m not real sure if she could tell.
Then the church was quiet. It was just the two of us. I put one foot in front of the other as I made my way over to his open casket. At first I had to look away. I couldn’t bear seeing him posed in such a familiar way. His hands were folded on top of each other and I could tell his lips had been sewn shut. I gagged and turned away again, unable to come to grips with him being in that box. His body, cold I knew, was still, lifeless, and non-responsive obviously. His chest wasn’t moving like he was only sleeping. This wasn’t the love of my life. It was an empty shell of the man he used to be. Still, I couldn’t bring myself to walk away without saying something. The problem was that I knew once I started I wouldn’t be able to stop. How does one say a life’s worth of feelings in only a few shorts minutes? How could I say goodbye to someone I was unable to let go of? It was too impossible to come to grips with.
I reached inside, touching the fabric of his black suit first. Tracing the lines in the jacket, I brought my gaze up to his face, so orchestrated. Even when he slept Major didn’t look this tight. Once again I had to turn away to regain composure. I took my glasses off and rubbed my eyes, unable to see without doing so. “God, I don’t think I can do this,” I said to myself.
It took me a second to gather the courage to continue. I reached forward and let my hand sit atop both of his. “I don’t know how to say goodbye to you. God knows I don’t want to.” I scrunched up my face and forged forward. “I’m not mad at you for leaving me, Major. I’m mad at myself for not begging you to stay with me instead.” I fell forward, resting my head on his chest. There was no warmth, no heartbeat, no reaction at all. I kept my eyes closed pretending his arms were reaching around me, comforting the pain away. “I wanted to be your wife. We’d be married by now.” I sniffled to avoid making a mess on his clothes. It was bad enough I was soaking it with tears. “I love you so much. I can’t stop. I won’t. For as long as I breathe you’ll be the only man I love. Please wait for me, Major. I can’t go through life knowing that when my time is up you won’t be there to welcome me into your arms again.” My throat burned so badly that I had to stop. I reached my arms as far around his body as I was able to and held him tightly while sobbing uncontrolled and unhinged. “I miss you. I miss your touch, your kiss. I want this to be a nightmare, a terrible nightmare. I want to wake up and see you making fun of me for being this emotional over it. I need you. I need you so much, and I don’t know what to do, how to move forward. How am I supposed to go home without you? You’re everywhere I am. You always will be. My life revolves around you, around our future together. I can’t do this. I don’t want to.”
I reached in my jacket pocket and pulled out the ring we were to be wed with. It was weird lifting his cold finger and slipping it on. His hands were still too swollen to go all the way over his knuckle, so I left it there and leaned over to kiss him on his lips. “I love you, Major Valero. I promise I will love you for the rest of my life.”
I cried so loudly that I could hear someone approaching to console me. It was my father. I felt his hand coming up around my shoulders. The smell of his cologne was familiar and reassuring, like when he held me after my mother passed away. I turned and clung to him, desperate for support.
He rubbed my back and held me there, kissing the top of my head like Major always did. “It’s going to be okay, sweetie. I know it hurts.”
“Please just get me out of here. I can’t take it anymore. That’s not my Major. It’s not him!”
My father led me outside where the family stood waiting. I was in no condition to talk to anyone, especially Vince, who was making his way toward me. To be considerate of Major’s parents and relatives, I kept my thoughts at bay.
“Are you okay, Bails?” Did he think we were on speaking terms? I looked into his reddened, tear-filled eyes and felt no remorse.
“No. I’m anything but okay.”
He looked down. “Yeah, I know the feeling. If there’s anything I can…”
I put my hand up to stop him. “I’ll be fine on my own, Vince. If you’ll excuse me, I’d like to go wait in the car now.”
My father led me to the limo that we were supposed to ride to the cemetery in. Once inside I buried my face in my hands and wept. There was nothing anyone could do for me. The idea of Major being put in a mausoleum made me ill. I just wanted to fly back to the states and lock myself away until the pain subsided.
It was easier said than done though. Like going through the motions, the car filled with family members. I’d put my glasses back on so I was able to close my eyes and avoid seeing their equally remorseful stares. When we reached the next destination I exited and stood by my father, allowing him to hold me. The priest said his final prayers and people began placing roses on the casket. Being one of the last to participate, I took my time walking up. It was important to keep reminding myself that my Major wasn’t in the box. His soul had left his body. This was only an empty shell.
I didn’t stand there for long; I couldn’t.
The ride to the wake was uneventful. There was a lot of sobbing, and for the most part I pretended I was somewhere else to prevent from losing it completely.
After thanking his family for all they’d done and promising to grab something to eat, I asked my father to take me back to the hotel. I needed to change my travel plans. It was time to go home. I wasn’t about to stay in Sicily and pretend I hadn’t just buried my fiancé who’d died days before our wedding. I couldn’t remain for a honeymoon that was never going to happen. My trip out of the country was over. I didn’t know if I’d ever come back again. I’d lost too much to consider it the beautiful place I’d once assumed it to be.
With nothing but a broken heart, I began packing up both mine and Major’s things. Each article of clothing or toiletry I touched of his was like shoving a knife into my chest. I couldn’t even throw away the miniature travel-sized shampoos, because they’d been his. Going home to house full of his things was going to test my sanity, and with a long plane ride ahead of me I sank down on the bed he last slept on and cried myself to sleep.
Chapter 14
It’s been a week since I left my heart in Sicily, a week since all my hopes and dreams came crashing down.
I’d like to think that by now I could at least bathe or get myself out of bed, but it was impossible. The more time that went by the harder it became to accept everything was over.
The sheets, which still smelled of him, were keeping warm, but offering no comfort. My body felt mangled from the inside, and the more I attempted to focus on what was to come, the more wretched it appeared.
I didn’t want to be beautiful, cared about, or looked in upon. I wanted to fade away until there was nothing left. Seven days should have been enough for me to accept what I couldn’t change, yet I lay in bed every waking second hoping for some sort of reprieve.
Shawna showed up on my doorstep that night. She and Nathan had come over with dinner. I sat across from my kitchen table staring down at a cardboard box of lo-mein noodles and wanted to toss them across the room. They meant well, but I didn’t need to hear what happened after I left. Like a spoiled ending of a fairytale I knew nothing good would come from it. It was better if I erased it all from my mind and pretended none of it existed.
While Nathan retreated to make a phone call, Shawna cornered me. “You’ve been home for a week and I’m pretty sure you’re still wearing the same clothes as when you left, and trust me Bails, I can tell they haven’t been washed. You stink and your hair might have something living in
it. This isn’t healthy. Major wouldn’t want you doing this to yourself.”
“Don’t talk about him. Don’t even say his name.”
She took my chin and lifted it so I’d look her in the eyes. “He wouldn’t want this and you know it. That man loved you, we all know it. He would have done anything to make this easier, but he’s not here. I’m so sorry, Bails. I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like to be you right now, but this isn’t the answer.”
I grit my teeth together as I spoke. Tears filled my eyes as a replied with pent up rage. “I don’t want your help or your pity. I think you should leave.” I picked up a glass that happened to be empty and threw it in the sink, watching it shatter against the stainless steel. “Get out!” My words were so loud she jumped and hugged herself. I watched my best friend begin to cry. In hindsight I knew she was doing this to help me, yet I couldn’t see past my pain.
Later that night, after I’d locked all the doors and headed upstairs, I climbed in the bathtub and sank down in the piping hot water. I didn’t mind the pain, because it reminded me I was still able to experience more pain than I already was. The lengths I was taking it to feel something other than remorse was getting dangerous. Rock bottom was within an arm’s reach and I was forging toward it without fear. I was prepared to walk into the fire and let my body engulf in flames. I wanted it to be over; the pain, the emptiness, the future I didn’t want anymore.
Sometime in the middle of the night I awoke inside that tub of cold water. There was no reason I hadn’t slid down and gone under. Nothing was holding me up, yet I hadn’t moved. The idea of my life ending scared me enough to dress and climb into the bed. This time I cried myself to sleep because I knew something had to change. I was walking a tightrope with little experience. It was only a matter of time before I fell so hard there would be no getting up. I was stumbling, crawling through waves of vicious heartbreak and agony. His last moments repeated in my mind still, like that second in my life was on a loop. It was crippling me.
Happily Ever Never Page 9
