In This Life

by Cora Brent

  He grinned. “You got it.”

  I finished wrapping up the antique plate. It would be put away. But the pictures would all stay. Colin would be able to see his parents and maybe feel as if they were watching over him somehow.

  “You think we have enough bubble wrap?” I asked.

  Kevin looked around. “I can run out and get more if necessary.”

  The baby monitor had been left on the couch and it crackled to life as Colin woke up in his crib and started babbling. I knew he’d probably entertain himself for a few minutes before demanding some attention so I wrapped up a few more valuables in the meantime.

  When five minutes had passed and he wasn’t howling to be picked up I wondered if he’d dropped back to sleep so I went upstairs to check. I could see into the master bedroom where Eleanor Doyle was folding clothes with marvelous efficiency and placing them in organized piles on the bed. She didn’t notice me as I passed by and went straight to Colin’s room. I was a little surprised by what I found there.

  Jane had picked up Colin and was rocking him in the chair beside the window. Jane rarely picked up the baby and whenever she did she seemed eager to put him down again as quickly as possible. She was showing him something on her phone, a cartoon maybe. I didn’t know how much Colin was getting out of it but he appeared to be interested.

  “Everything okay?” I asked and Colin’s face immediately turned to the sound of my voice. He bounced with excitement in Jane’s lap.

  “He woke up,” Jane said, lowering the phone. “I just came in to see him. I hope it’s okay.”

  I leaned against the changing table. “Of course it’s okay. You’re his aunt.”

  She cupped Colin’s head in her palm and regarded him thoughtfully. “I remember you when you were this age, Nash.” She looked over at me. “It’s hard to believe now. You’re taller than your father was.”

  I gestured to the phone. “What were you guys looking at?”

  “Oh! I found a video I’d taken at the hospital the day Colin was born so I was showing him. Here.” She held the phone out to me. “You really should watch it too.”

  The video was only a few minutes long and I started it from the beginning. They were in the hospital, probably mere hours after Colin’s birth. Heather looked tired but radiant as she cuddled her new bundle of joy. She was staring down at the baby when my father appeared. He knelt by the bed, peered into the blue blanket that swaddled his newborn son and gave his wife a soft kiss. She smiled at him, then returned her loving gaze to the baby.

  “Hey Jane, what do you think of your new nephew?” my father asked.

  “He’s beautiful,” Jane’s voice said from behind the camera.

  “Just like his brother,” my dad said. He leaned against the wall and crossed his arms with a happy grin plastered across the face. “Can’t believe I’m a new dad again at forty-five.”

  “Old timer,” Heather teased with a laugh.

  “But you want to know something?” he said. “I’ve learned to treasure every moment, something I didn’t know how to do when Nash was born.”

  “Did you call him?” Heather asked. “Did you call Nash?”

  “I called him, told him he’s finally got a brother. He sounded happy.” My dad looked thoughtful, hopeful. “I’m thinking he might come for a visit.”

  Colin made a noise and Heather soothed him while my father stared at them.

  “Two sons,” he said, sounding a little awed. “Two perfect boys who are my pride and joy.” He then looked straight at the camera. “I still can’t believe my luck.”

  “Colin.” Heather sang the name as she rocked the baby back and forth. “Colin, did you know you have a big brother? And he’s going to love you.” She kissed the sleeping face in her arms. “I promise he’s going to love you.”

  My father sat on the edge of the bed and placed an arm around his wife and son. The camera continued to watch the family for another thirty seconds but they didn’t seem to be aware of it.

  Chris Ryan hadn’t been perfect. Nobody was. But as I watched the last few seconds of the video I realized I could learn from his triumphs. And his mistakes. That’s the best any of us can do.

  “I promise he’s going to love you.”

  And I did. I loved that baby so damn much it hurt. He’d grow up with the pain of losing his parents before he knew them. I’d do anything I could to help him navigate the strange and sometimes excruciating realities that challenged us in this life. Because it could also be wonderful. And loving other people was what made it worthwhile.

  “Oh, Nash,” Jane said when the video finished playing and I was wiping at my eyes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  My aunt looked distressed, on the verge of tears now herself.

  “No, it’s okay,” I said, swiping at the last of the sudden tears. I handed her the phone back. “Thank you for showing me that. Actually if you could send it to me that would be great. Colin will want to see it someday.”

  “Of course.”

  Colin shifted in her arms and she started to look a little flustered so I reached out to take him.

  “It’s a really good thing you’re doing,” Jane said and stood up. “Staying here, raising him in this house. You’re giving him the life Chris and Heather wanted for him. I knew you would. You’re the only one who could have.”

  “Thanks, Jane,” I said as Colin tried to grab my left ear.

  My aunt’s smile now turned a little devilish. “I knew you’d love her too. I knew it when I saw you together.”

  “Who?” I asked even though I knew damn well who.

  “Kathleen.”

  I didn’t answer. I bounced Colin and he squealed with delight.

  “You do, don’t you?” Jane pressed. “You do love her.”

  Eleanor Doyle suddenly appeared in the doorway.

  “Are there more boxes?” she asked. “I’m going to need at least three more for the clothes alone.”

  “There are some more downstairs,” I said, glad for the chance to escape Jane’s scrutiny. “Follow me.”

  Before I left the room I looked over my shoulder and Jane gave me a knowing smirk. There was an easy answer to her question but I wasn’t ready to disclose my feelings for Kat until I actually talked to Kat first. I owed her that and anyway I might be barking up the wrong tree. Kat might be happy keeping things just the way they were and I wasn’t excited for everyone to witness a savage blow to my pride. And to my heart.

  Kevin was already taping up some of the boxes downstairs and offered to start moving them into the attic. Eleanor and Jane grabbed more boxes for the clothes and headed back upstairs.

  “You must be hungry,” I said to Colin after I’d changed his diaper.

  “Babababa,” Colin answered. I didn’t know if the sound had any meaning for him but it was awesome to hear him try.

  After I mixed up a bottle I found my phone on the kitchen table. There were a few messages from Kathleen. I was glad to hear everything had gone well. She and Emma had been on my mind a lot. Her second text made me smile.

  As soon as she got back to town I’d corner her for a very important conversation. I just hoped she liked hearing what I had to say.

  Hawk Valley probably didn’t look like much to people who were used to more exotic places. You have to drive north on the Interstate out of Phoenix for a hundred miles, then merge onto the smaller state highway for another thirty miles before you catch your first glimpse of the valley at the base of the stately Hawk Mountains.

  I drove past one landmark after another, feeling the sweet familiarity of coming home. There was the small campus of Hawk Valley College, then the restored old courthouse, just before the main drag, Garner Avenue. I squinted as I passed Nash’s store, wondering if he was there today. Even if he was, chances were he’d left by now to go pick up Colin.

  It was nearly 7 p.m., later than I’d expected to return. Emma napped in the backseat with her arms around Roxie Jr., as she’d christe
ned the stuffed animal from her grandmother. I couldn’t have asked for a better day for my girl but I was relieved that it was over.

  On the seat beside me in a paper shopping bag were some things that Mrs. Corbett had wanted me to keep for Emma. One was the book they’d read, a favorite of Randall’s when he was her age. There was also a photo box filled with Corbett family pictures and a framed eight by ten photo of Randall taken during his senior year of high school, just a few years before I met him and his brother at Arizona State.

  I found myself wondering what Randall would have said about today, how he would have felt about being a father. Yesterday I applied for a change to Emma’s birth certificate to show the rightful name of her father. The two of us would not have ended up together no matter what. It just wasn’t meant to be. But maybe the knowledge of impending parenthood would have convinced him to get the help he so desperately needed. Or maybe not. In any case Randall had a gentle heart so I liked to think that he would have adored his daughter if he’d known her.

  It was mid summer and the remnants of sunlight lingered well into the evening. I liked this time of day, suspended between daylight and darkness, when the light became soft and generated friendly shadows.

  At the stoplight on Garner Avenue I peeked back at Emma. We’d stopped for dinner along the way and she might be ready for bed after such an exciting day.

  But her eyes were open now and she was looking out the window.

  “This is home,” she said, sounding surprised and delighted.

  “Yup, we’re back in Hawk Valley.”

  She yawned. “What do we do now?”

  I knew exactly what I wanted to do now.

  “Would you like to introduce Roxie to Roxie Jr.?” I asked.

  Her face lit up. “Yes!”

  “Good. That’s what we’re doing.”

  I made a right turn at the light, into the neighborhood dotted with old Victorian homes. There was a brief twinge of doubt as I approached Nash’s street. He’d never texted me back today and I hadn’t called to let him know I was stopping by. Maybe this would come across as needy, intrusive.

  I brushed aside the thought. I’d closed my heart to the possibility of love for too long. Even if I humiliated myself today and was forced to face the fact that Nash didn’t feel the same way, I still wouldn’t be sorry. It was time to put myself out there and find out what could come of it.

  But when I pulled up to the curb in front of Nash’s house I did a double take.

  “Is that Grandma?” Emma asked.

  “Uh, sure looks like her,” I said, cutting the engine.

  My mother was standing on Nash’s front lawn and and holding Colin while Nash loaded some boxes into the trunk of her Toyota. She was laughing. Then she waved at me. It was odd.

  Emma didn’t think so. She unbuckled herself from her car seat, which I have ordered her at least seven hundred and twenty six times not to do, and tried to bolt from the car.

  “Mommy,” she complained. “I can’t get out!”

  I sighed and released the child lock. Emma bounded across Nash’s front lawn with Roxie Jr. hanging from one hand.

  “Look what I got! My other grandma gave him to me!” Emma held up the toy as proof. Colin hiccupped and stared at her with fascination. My mother caught my eye as I made my way over.

  “So it went well?” she asked me.

  “Yes. We had a lovely day, didn’t we, Ems?”

  Emma was trying to place Roxie Jr. in Colin’s arms. “I had fun.”

  Nash closed the trunk of the car and headed toward us. He was wearing faded jeans and a white t-shirt that had definitely seen better days and he looked so good my knees nearly gave out. Then he smiled at me and I had to remind myself to breathe.

  “You’re home,” he said.

  I wanted to run to him, jump into his arms, bury my face in his neck and inhale the warmth of skin.

  “I’m home,” I said and we stared at each other. There was more heat in that mutual stare than there was contained on planet Mercury.

  “Well,” my mother said. “Who wants to take this little gentleman? I’ve got to go.”

  That reminded me that I still didn’t understand why she was here in the first place. Nash held his arms out to receive his baby brother.

  “Thanks for all your help today, Eleanor,” he said.

  “Of course,” she said and pecked me on the cheek. “Call me tomorrow, Kat. I want to hear all about your visit.” She bent down to kiss Emma, then folded herself into her car and was gone.

  I turned to Nash. “What on earth just happened?”

  Nash was amused. “Your mom and I were hanging out today. She’s actually a pretty cool lady.”

  “I know she’s a cool lady.”

  “And I see where you get your organizational skills from.”

  “That’s not really a complete answer to my question.”

  “I see where you get your bossy instincts from too.”

  “Nash!”

  He grinned and without warning locked a hand around my neck, pulling me in for a kiss. We couldn’t get all exotic about it with two kids looking on but the touch of his lips was enough to get my head spinning. It was also enough to shut me up. Which was probably what he’d intended.

  “We did some work on the house,” he said.

  “You and my mother?””

  “And Kevin and Jane.”

  I was confused. “What kind of work?”

  “Baby proofing. This little guy is getting ready to be mobile.” He held Colin up high above his head and the baby laughed with delight. Nash was smiling when he brought him back down. Then his smile faded. “We also cleaned out the master bedroom. It was time. Kept the sentimental items, boxed them up and put them in the attic. Your mother took the boxes filled with clothes because she knew a good cause that could use a few more donations.”

  “I see,” I said, a little stunned that Nash had taken this step. The last time I’d addressed the topic of Chris and Heather’s belongings he’d cut me off and changed the subject.

  “Where’s Roxie?” Emma demanded. “I want to show her Roxie Jr.”

  Nash pointed to the stuffed dog in her arms. “Is that Roxie Jr.?”

  Emma nodded. “I love her less than Roxie but I love her too.”

  He laughed. “Roxie’s been in the backyard most of the day. I know she’s been waiting for you to come back though.” He held out his hand. “Come on. Let’s go see her.”

  Emma slipped her little hand into Nash’s large one and they walked toward the wooden gate that led to the backyard. For a second I couldn’t move. I just stood back and admired them; Nash carrying Colin in one arm while Emma trustingly allowed him to lead her with his other hand. I wanted to imprint the vision in my mind forever.

  Nash unlocked the gate and looked over his shoulder. “You coming?”

  I nodded. “Where else would I go?”

  Roxie was so happy she cried and darted from person to person in search of affection. Emma allowed her face to be licked and then ran everywhere in the grass while Roxie zoomed all around in circles. A near tragedy occurred when Roxie grabbed Roxie Jr. around the neck but Nash intervened in a flash, returning the toy to Emma, who was very forgiving.

  “You don’t know how much she loves that dog,” I laughed when he returned.

  He sat down on a cushioned patio sofa. “I have an idea.” He looked me up and down, setting off another involuntary chain reaction in my body. “Sit down, Kat.”

  I plopped down right beside him. The light was fading fast now. Emma was a short, pale tornado in the grass, Roxie a hairy whirlwind.

  “Long day,” I commented and rubbed at the back of my neck.

  Nash balanced Colin on one knee and reached over to massage the spot for me. I let him. He was so much better at it.

  “Tell me,” he said.

  “Later.” I wanted to talk about something else first. “How come you decided to do this today? To clean out the house?”<
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  “I told you. It was time. They would have wanted it this way. They would have wanted life to keep moving.”

  “Chris and Heather?”

  He nodded. He was staring out at the backyard shadows, watching my daughter and his dog.

  “Besides, I needed to make room.”

  “For what?”

  “The new residents.”

  “Are you renting out rooms or something?”

  “Or something.”

  “I don’t get it.”

  He stopped massaging my neck and turned to me with a penetrating stare. “We have to talk.”

  I swallowed. “About what?”

  “I’m no longer satisfied with our arrangement.”

  I looked down, not sure if I wanted to hear this or not. “Is that right?”

  “Yes.” He pulled me close and softly brushed his lips over mine, sending chills through every inch of my body. No one else had ever done that to me. No one else ever could.

  “I want more from you, Kat,” he said and curled his strong arm all the way around me. “I want more from you and I have more to give you.”

  “You told me you don’t like hassles,” I whispered. “Or complications.”

  “You are neither.”

  I touched his face. “What am I?”

  He didn’t hesitate. “Mine. You’re mine.”

  He’d just uttered the words of my dreams. Maybe that’s why I found myself unable to talk.

  Nash was watching me. “Kat?”

  I blinked.

  “I love you,” he said.

  This moment is everything. He is everything.

  But now he was looking a shade worried because I’d become catatonic.

  “I love you,” he repeated. “Live with me. You and Emma. You said you’d have to find a new apartment soon. So live here with us. Kat, this old house could use some happiness. We all could.”

  Colin waved his arms in the air. Maybe he was imitating Emma as she pranced around in the grass. Maybe he was trying to weigh into the conversation.

  “Nash,” I said and closed my eyes. There were so many thoughts racing through my head and yet I had no words. I’d always been great with words and now they’d deserted me when I needed them the most.