Leaping Off the Page: Any Time of the Year Edition
Page 2
ANNUAL REPORT
A One-Act Play
Scene: We are in an anteroom of Hell. If you have full stage capacities, you can go crazy with weird sets and lighting. Or you can suggest weirdness with a few well-placed pieces. One way would be take everyday objects and place them in ways totally foreign to their normal function. For example, putting a stepladder upside down. Hang a noose from one of the legs. Drape dark colored cloths over assorted pieces such as music stands or bookshelves, to have a variety of heights and widths. Have a few things to suggest an office: a table or desk, a few chairs, a filing cabinet, maybe a computer. Festoon these with cobwebs and the like. If special effects are possible, have a couple of pails of dry ice, and make use of a lot of blues and reds in the lighting. The desk should be just up of center stage, on a raised dais, if possible. An executive chair should be behind it. Three plain kitchen type chairs can make a haphazard grouping down left, with another chair and maybe an end table down right. Do not make an equilateral triangle with these three points. The triangle should be an isosceles. If you use music, it should be dissonant, grating, and dirge-like.
Cast: There are five demons in this play. I shall write them with gender, but you shouldn’t have any difficulty making adjustments if you want to switch the gender for any of them. Care should be taken by the actors. While I write this as comedy, the characters are evil. They should take themselves seriously. If you ham it up, you could have the audience relating to them in empathy, and we do not want that at all. We want the empathy to be for the victims of their evil. For costuming, be distinctive for each character, using lots of dark colors. Makeup can be as weird as you can make it—use greens and purples on the faces, for instance. Hair, too, could be wild. I will give some specific ideas for each character, but they are suggestions only. It might even be better to just hint at weirdness, because it would highlight how Satan makes his ploys look harmless. (The names are all anagrams.)
Rafe: He represents a spirit of fear. I’ve got this one as the biggest dude you can find. Have him look like a mutated biker. Black leather vest, chains, cowboy boots, long hair, and then weird it up. Since there are decent people who dress like that, we will want to take this guy further. Give him camouflage makeup or lots of tattoos, and try to give him something that would suggest a weapon—a whip, a big knife, an Uzi, whatever. When people see somebody like this, they get out of the way—fast! A woman could be dressed and made up in a similar fashion—a kind of biker/commando/terrorist.
Ronpo: I’ve got this one as a female. A spirit of lust. The Vampira look would be great. Long black sleeveless dress, elbow length black gloves, long hair, white face, black lipstick, the biggest, most glittering earrings you can find. A cigarette in one of those long cigarette holders would make a nice touch. If the clothes could be a trifle ragged or stained, that would be good. If a man does the part, dress him in a tuxedo and cape. White face and black lips would still work, with perhaps a blood red lip liner pencil to outline his lips.
Caviare This one is a spirit of greed. Have him in a three-piece suit and tie. The vest could be a bright flowered thing. Try for a pocket watch. If possible, mutate him by mismatching a couple of bilious plaids such as were in vogue in the sixties. His hair could be a clashing purple or orange ’fro with a hippie headband. For makeup, try some geometric patterns on the face. Have him carry and use a large calculator with paper printout. A woman can be similarly garbed and made up.
Galle The others are so fantastically rigged out that this one gets lost. This is a spirit of legalism. I would try and cast the smallest, most unobtrusive looking person I could find, but somebody with the ability to have a powerful presence on stage when needed. Whether this person is a man or woman, have him or her dressed to the most conforming “Sunday-go-to-meeting” standard of the particular church you’re working for. Or going in another direction, a police uniform might work. I’ll write this character as a woman. Don’t do anything outlandish with costume, hair or makeup. She should be meticulously groomed, without a hair out of place. All of her gestures, the way she sits, stands and walks should be completely “ladylike”. I see her sitting quietly in a corner, not joining in the braggadocio of the others. If a man, try and get somebody smaller than any of the other men in the cast. I see him as small, skinny and bald. Again, his demeanor is most circumspect. Nothing overdone with this one, unless it is in the area of the prim and proper.
Oner: The Grand Poobah: A CEO. He’s the one that is hearing the annual reports and will decide on promotions and raises or demerits and penalties for his underlings. I see him dressed as a kind of Grand Inquisitor—long, flowing black robe with big jeweled miter and badge of office on a chain around his neck. He could wear a huge ring on his left hand. Again, be creative and bizarre with the makeup. You could do one side of the face black and the other side white, like they did in one of the original Star Trek TV shows. A woman can be dressed this way, too. While this person doesn’t have to be the biggest the cast, he or she should be able to command the moment through absolute ownership of the role, the play and the stage.
At CURTAIN, the stage is empty. The entrances of the first four characters should overlap each other so that the next one enters before the preceding one gets settled. Galle enters first, goes to the desk at center, places a file neatly in the middle of the desk, bows deeply, then goes to the single chair down right and sits primly, hands folded on top of her purse on her lap. Caviare enters next. He is carrying his calculator, from which trails a long piece of paper with lots of calculations on it. He also carries a sheaf of notes—small bits of paper, such as receipts that come loose and drift around him everywhere he goes. He gives a perfunctory bow to the desk then purloins one of the down right chairs.
Caviare : (He pulls a second chair in front of him on which he places his calculator) Ready for the annual report? (He starts in on his calculations, the machine whirring and printing his figures.)
Galle : (Calmly) Yes.
Caviare : (Looks disdainfully at Galle) I’ve never seen you here before.
Galle : (Unperturbed) I’m new. I was promoted to this section last year.
Caviare: (Grunts and bends to his work) Hmmmph!
Rafe : (Entering with Ronpo arm in arm) Stick with me. I am going places fast! (At the desk, Rafe gives a sneering salute)
Ronpo : (Giggles, strokes her hand sensuously along the table’s surface) That’s how I like it. Fast.
Rafe : (Prowls around the stage right area, glares at Caviare) You again. (Sneers) And what great triumphs have you plunged to this year?
Caviare : (Continues tapping in numbers on his calculator) Plunged? Don’t you mean risen?
Rafe: (Sneer) Plunged. The lower you go, the better, nicht wahr?
Ronpo : (Giggles, gestures broadly) Plunge to success! Rise to failure! (Creeps her fingers insinuatingly along Rafe’s arm) And I go as low as I can.
Rafe : (Flings Ronpo away) Not as low as I can, pet. (Menaces Caviare) Answer my question. What great triumphs have you plunged to?
Caviare : (Rips a length of paper from his calculator) Nothing you’d understand.
Rafe : (Sneers) You’re right. I wouldn’t. (Looms over Galle) Never saw you before.
Galle : (Without flinching) I’m new to this section.
Rafe : (Snorts, unimpressed. He looks at each of the other three in turn. Speaks with sarcastic contempt) I can see I’m really up against some stiff competition for the promotion to Legion 5.
Ronpo : (From behind Caviare, draping her arms over his shoulders and peering at his work) You have a lot to fear from this one. (She swipes a long piece of the calculator tape and sweeps to center stage, trailing the paper behind her like a kite) Numbers! (She hoots) How can you fight against numbers?
Caviare : (Following her, fretfully) Give me back that tape! It’s my report!
Rafe : (Grabs tape and holds it out of Caviare’s reach, who is trying to get it back) Why didn’t you just bring last year’s numbers
, Caviare? They’re always the same, year in and year out.
Caviare : And your report isn’t always the same? (Snatches tape and smoothes it fretfully.) Tell me, how many haunted houses and howling wolves and creepy crawlers are you going to chortle over this year?
Rafe : Fear. That’s the biggest factor in dealing with those stupid humans. I’ve got them whimpering and screaming. I’ve got them frozen in place and running in panic. They don’t know where their nightmares end and their terror begins. What can your puny little numbers do in the face of that?
Caviare : (Shakes his head sadly) That’s the trouble with you, Rafe. You have no subtlety. Fear is a powerful force, I’ll give you that. (Gestures with his papers) But I deal with something even stronger. (Pauses to set it up) Greed!
Rafe : (Snorts) Greed! There’s no fun in that! Why, I had one poor quaking fool so terrified of thunderstorms he could no longer go to the bowling alley!
Ronpo : (Puzzled) Why bowling alley?
Rafe : (Roars with laughter) Because his mother used to tell him that the thunder was the angels’ bowling. I worked on a few lightning effects and now he believes it’s the demons bowling and that we are the bowling balls!
Galle : (Quietly) My clients are afraid of looking bad to their colleagues and friends. (Everybody ignores her)
Ronpo : Nice touch, Rafe. (Smiles scornfully) But no finesse. I’ll bet your poor little victim will soon realize that if he doesn’t go to bowling alleys he’ll have nothing to fear. Caviare’s right. You’re about as subtle as a California earthquake.
Rafe : Earthquakes! I got in a couple of good ones in this year, to say nothing of the volcanoes, tornadoes, tsunamis, and other so called acts of the One we do not name.
Galle : (Speaking quietly and again ignored) My clients believe those events are punishments when they happen to other people.
Ronpo : (Shaking head in mock pity) Poor Rafe. Those disasters are so limiting. Now, my department is all encompassing. I agree with Caviare, greed is exciting. (Licks her lips) But when I take that greed and channel it into lust, it consumes my victims’ every moment, waking or sleeping. It makes them feel so good! They call it “fooling around.” Boy, are they fooled!
Caviare: But they even put that aside when it comes to money. Remember what that book of theirs says?
Rafe: (Clapping his hand over Caviare’s mouth) It is forbidden to mention that book!
Galle: My clients read that book—religiously!
(The other three stare at her. She smiles complacently. Caviare shakes loose of Rafe and takes a pose at center stage)
Caviare: (Declaiming) Money is the root of all evil! (To Rafe) So your fear tactics, (snaps fingers) so what? (To Ronpo)Lust? (Another snap) Peanuts! Why, only last week I got sixteen more penny-ante executive types hooked on 10 per cent under the table deals!
Galle: My clients tithe 10 per cent of their incomes to their church.
Caviare: (Squeaks) Church?
Ronpo: Who are you working for, anyway? The other side?
Rafe: Well, you’re not going to advance very far, that’s for sure. Want me to teach you how to change into a four ton Gila monster? (Generously) I will, if I get my promotion. It’s one of my specialties. I used it to great effect in 1573 in a Spanish dungeon.
Galle: No, thank you. I did it once back in 902, and the effects were temporary. I ultimately lost that client.
Caviare: I remember that 1573 thing. Seems to me we later lost that guy, too. Wasn’t he burnt at the stake?
Rafe: (Defensively) We only lost a few.
Galle: A few here. A few there. Every time we lose one, we lose. Period.
Rafe: (Sourly) So how many have you lost?
Galle: Since I changed foci? None.
Ronpo: Oh, sure. They read that—that book. They tithe. I’ll bet they never fool around.
Galle: Never.
Ronpo: Is that any way to run an organization?
Caviare: You are so naive.
Rafe: I still say fear is the way to get them.
Ronpo: Lust!
Caviare: Greed!
Rafe: Fear!
Ronpo: Get ‘em sweatin’!
Rafe: They sweat, all right!
Caviare: You two are so juvenile.
Rafe: We’re dealing with juveniles. That’s why fear works.
Ronpo: Lust!
Caviare: Greed!
(The three have gathered into a clump and are arguing vociferously when Oner enters and goes to the large chair behind the desk. He stands and thunders)
Oner: Order! (Galle has been sitting quietly on her chair. The three squabblers look up appalled, awkwardly bow or salute and quickly scramble to their places.)
Caviare : (Goes to his chair and feverishly tries to restore order to his piles of paper) Yes, sir!
Rafe: (Paces behind. Growls) Yes, your eminence.
Ronpo : (Tries to vamp Oner who glares at her. She sulkily sits next to Caviare) Yes, your worship. (These last three lines should overlap each other)
Oner: (Sitting down, he raps a gavel on the desk) This meeting is called to order. Caviare, will you read the minutes from last year’s annual report?
Caviare: (Frantically searches through papers, which fall and drift around him) Minutes? (Squeaks) Minutes? I had them here a minute ago!
Ronpo: (Titters) Appropriate.
Rafe: (Guffaws) A minute ago.
Oner: (Glares) Enough!
Ronpo: (Subsides) Yes, sir.
Caviare: (Scooting around room, checking papers he had dropped earlier) Minutes! I’ll have them for you in a minute, sir!
Rafe: (Exchanges glance with Ronpo)
Oner: (Glares at them, but they say nothing. He turns to Caviare) Well?
Caviare: (He triumphantly holds up a tattered paper that had fallen to the floor) Yes, your most munificent Excellency, I have them.
Oner: (With thin sarcasm) Bravo. (Heavy patience) Now will you read them?
Caviare: Yes, sir. (Clears throat nervously) These are the minutes taken at the Annual Report of — (he looks up) Do I have to read all that prelim stuff, sir?
Oner: You have copies for everyone?
Caviare: (Nods)
Oner: Then skip down to the business.
Caviare: Yes, sir. (He looks down at paper) The first report came from Rafe, the department of terrorism.
Oner: Ah, yes. How’d he do?
Caviare: Lots of chaos and mayhem, sir.
Oner: Yes, yes. Skip down to the next bit.
Caviare: The second report was from the financial department. (He swallows hard)
Oner: Hmmm, yes. And who gave that report?
Caviare: Me, sir.
Oner: (Correcting) I, sir.
Caviare: Aye, sir?
Oner: Aye. I, sir.
Rafe: (Snorts)
Oner: (Glares)
Caviare: Aye, aye. I mean, I sir.
Oner: So how did you do?
Caviare: It was a glowing report, sir.
Oner: I expect nothing less. (Waves languid hand) What came next?
Caviare: An account from Ronpo on the doings of the sexuality department.
Oner: Another successful report?
Caviare: Yes, sir.
Oner: Any other summaries?
Caviare: No, sir.
Oner: All right. Distribute copies of the minutes to everyone and we will proceed with the meeting.
Caviare: (Gulps and scurries around the room to find the copies and bestow them on each person in the room while the next bit of dialog goes on)
Oner: Rafe, you might as well start.
Rafe: Yes, sir. (He paces vigorously around the room, forcing Caviare to scoot around him) I implemented a couple of particularly successful disasters. Some of my finest attempts, I believe. We had more storms, cyclones, hurricanes, tornadoes this year than any other year since the humans started recording such things. Hundreds lost their lives and hundreds of thousands lost their homes. The earthquakes were even more devastatin
g.
Oner: (Raises brows) And you say these were successful?
Rafe: (Licking his lips in remembered glee) I positively grew fat on the despair as the victims saw their possessions swept off by flood and wind.
Oner: You idiot! Did you stick around later? Did you not see the volunteers and donations that came to help the ravaged areas? The fear was often replaced by gratitude and hope. The other side triumphed in many small incidents.
Rafe: But that’s the point, sir, they were small incidents. Nothing to compare to the magnitude of the catastrophe.
Oner: We are more apt to lose in the those little details. Remember the poem about losing a war for want of a nail?
Rafe: Nail? What nail?
Oner: That’s what I thought. Google it. Did you do anything else?
Rafe: Yes, sir. We got working on some heartier, more virulent strains of hepatitis, tuberculosis and AIDS. Even influenza. We saw some small success with those.
Oner: Again, the emphasis on small.
Rafe: (Glumly) Yes, sir. (Brightens) We did really well in the area of the occult, sir. That’s my favorite, as you know.
Oner: Yes, I do know, and I’ve spoken to you about that before.
Rafe: Well, this time, I’ve got a whole community shaking in their shoes. They think there’s a demon under every bed. They’re bringing in exorcists and shamans and witch doctors to deal with it. This project alone doubled my size, let me tell you!
Oner: You fool! They were an ignorant, apathetic lot before you started on them. They didn’t care or believe in anything. Now they believe in us! Before you know it they will be believing in the other side. We’ve lost too many through that route.
Rafe: But sir, it tastes so good. Um, I mean, bad.
Oner: Yes, I know, but leave the indifferent alone. They belong to us with very little effort. There are plenty of others who will dabble in the paranormal that can keep you busy.
Rafe: Yes, sir.
Oner: Ronpo, let’s hear from your side.
Ronpo: (Hands a piece of paper to Oner. It could be a Focus on the Family bulletin, or any similar literature that would be familiar to the congregation.) This is a paper put out by one of the organizations that belongs to the other side. It clearly states the success of this past year’s work. An increase in teen pregnancies resulting in record breaking numbers of abortions. Legislation giving rights to so-called fringe groups. STDs continue to afflict people. TV shows, movies, books and magazines that celebrate lust and pornography.
Oner: Why do you show me a bulletin from the enemy?
Ronpo: To show how widespread my campaign has been. Their statistics are nowhere near accurate. (Laughs) What they don’t know is that people from their own company are part of those statistics. Some of their employees enjoy pornography of some description.
Oner: So what did you focus on?
Ronpo: (Points to the paper) TV shows and Movies of R-Rating and lower, down to Triple X. They have these people screaming frantically. But it’s the internet that’s really made my figures climb.
Oner: Idiot! (He scrunches paper and tosses it aside) I’ve told you before. You only get the already depraved with those. Work on the nice shows, the family movies. Get the porn in subtly, through attitudes. You’ll have more success if you work in small increments at a time. The people you want to target would be too squeamish to read or watch the blatant stuff. Ease them in gently, a little bit at a time. Their imaginations are so powerful you don’t have to give them much at all. They’ll take that little ember and fan it into a roaring fire!
Ronpo: (Glumly) Yes, sir.
Oner: Caviare, do you have your papers in order?
Caviare: Yes, sir.
Oner: Report, please.
Caviare: Yes, sir. As you know, I have made a specialty of greed. It is almost too easy. These stupid little humans love money. They’ll do anything to get it. Petty theft and grand larceny continues to rise without any effort from us. We just have a little fun with it sometimes.
Oner: Have you done anything more than that?
Caviare: (Proudly) Oh, yes, sir! We’ve got some really sophisticated programs going. This year we refined on the idea of getting something for nothing. We implemented a number of pyramid type schemes that are making millions for the few people at the top and bilking fortunes out of the marks that fall for the scam.
Oner: There are still too many people who are too sharp to be taken in by something like that.
Caviare: Yes, sir. Some of them have discovered electronic fraud. This is an old dodge, but many of them think they can’t be caught. They’re still trying to get something for nothing.
Oner: So you’ve got the easy marks and the computer nerds. What about the rest?
Caviare: I’ve got large numbers of people peeved at government cutbacks or government spending. It all amounts to the same thing. They scream because taxes are too high and they scream because their benefits are cut. Some of them have found ways to cheat on income tax and welfare allowances. Others by the millions have borrowed beyond their means. We foster that, of course. Money is the root of all evil, after all.
Oner: It is the love of money that is the root of all evil! Money in and of itself is a neutral thing.
Caviare: Yes, sir.
Oner: These humans don’t have to steal or cheat to fall prey to the traps of greed. All you have to do is encourage their discontent. Make them feel that they aren’t getting their just dues. People who engage in these schemes, or rob and steal often get caught. When they are, it sometimes makes them pause and think, to be sorry for what they did. That leads to repentance. And you know what repentance leads to!
Caviare: (Gulps) Yes, sir.
Oner: So make them want what they cannot have. Work on their jealousy. They may never actually do anything illegal to get what they want, but it’ll sour them and they will belong to us.
Caviare: Yes, sir. I’ll work on those, sir. Envy and greed, sir. That’s the ticket! Envy, greed, and discontent. Yes, sir. I’ll get to it right away, sir!
Oner: (Looks at Galle) I’ve never seen you before.
Galle: No, sir, I’m new here.
Oner: Ah, yes. Promoted from Legion 3?
Galle: No, sir. Legion 2.
Oner: (Raises brows) A double promotion?
Galle: (Modestly) Yes, sir.
Oner: So what’s your specialty?
Galle: Well, sir, it’s been called by many names by the various practitioners. I haven’t quite lit on one I like, sir. Maybe you could help me with that?
Oner: Well, tell me what you did, then.
Galle: I was assigned a small group of people. They were to be my sole target.
Oner: Interesting. Who are they?
Galle: They call themselves a church, sir.
Oner: So what did you do?
Caviare: Get the treasurer to abscond with the missions money?
Galle: Oh, no. He wouldn’t even think of such a thing!
Caviare: What a muffed up opportunity!
Oner: What else?
Ponro: Did the preacher run off with the organist?
Galle: They were already married to each other.
Oner: No other little infidelities?
Galle : No, sir.
Ronpo: (Yawns) Bo-ring!
Galle: And I know for a fact that they have very little traffic with pornography. They burned a pile of their CD’s, tapes and books, and many of them got rid of their television sets.
Rafe: (Gives the cut throat gesture) Looks like it’s back to Legion 1 with you!
Galle: They went from being a lackadaisical group to a fanatical one.
Caviare: And you say this is success?
Galle: Yes. The way I see it, they already belonged to the other side. There wasn’t much I could do about that. So, I worked on stealing their joy. The Enemy promised them life—abundant life. I took that away from them. They turned away from their salvation and embraced works. Instead of their Christianity being
based on the work of Him we do not name, it is based on their own work. They have devised a long list of rules to define a good Christian, and they try to live by that. They insult the One who would give all things freely to them by trying to earn them. That’s what I have done.
Oner: You have been wily, subtle. That is the best way to deal with these human beings. Give them something else to worship. Something else to be their god.
Rafe: But we don’t want people to be kind to each other! They’re the ones that mess up my little disasters!
Oner: Rafe, you have given them a god, and that is what we want to see. But you have given them us. That is gratifying: it feeds us. But as I said before, it has the potential of driving them into other paths of faith.
Ronpo: What I do traps them. They become addicted to momentary pleasures. It gets so that they can only live from one of these moments to the next.
Caviare: And when they steal, they send somebody else down.
Oner: Ronpo and Caviare, you have given them lust and greed as gods. This, too, is a beginning. The problem is, they worship sex and money, and they can come to recognize that these are bad for them. But when you give them something good to be their god, that is a trap which is most difficult for them to see. Good deeds, clean living, a ministry, even their Book, can all become gods. These wipe out grace and the people live in continual failure.
Rafe: So we have failed?
Oner: Yes. You have done nothing to advance our cause. You’ve just marked time. Most of what you three have dealt with is inherent in their natures anyway. Rafe, Ronpo and Caviare, you are going to be put back into Legion 2. Try and learn methods that will strike at the very heart of the Enemy, and you will quickly advance. Galle, you will be advanced to Level 5. Not only will you continue to work with your particular little group of people, but you will also be in charge of these three clowns.
Galle: (Inclines head) It will be my privilege.
Oner: (Stands) Now, you three, get out of here before I get really mad and demote you even further.
Rafe: (Shaking, backing out) Yes, sire, your eminence, sir.
Caviare: (Gathering calculator and papers) Yes, your despoticalness.
Ronpo: (Swiftly to the door) Yes your most noisome imperialist!
(They all exit)
Oner: (Sits and gestures to Galle) Now, tell me, what is your next tactic with your victims?
Galle: Oh, very simple, really. I’m going to get them to stop praying.
Oner: What? Won’t that go against all these good works of theirs?
Galle: (Sneering grin) Oh, they’ll go through the form and even say some eloquent prayers, but they’ll be saying them, not praying them.
Oner: (Nods head) Ingenious. And how will you accomplish this?
Galle: Already set in place, sir. They no longer believe the Enemy answers prayer. So they will no longer pray. Just mouth pious words and then try to work out the answers themselves.
Oner: (Smiles, says slowly and deeply) And so they shall be as gods.
(They both sit back, well satisfied. The CURTAIN closes, the LIGHTS black out, the MUSIC swells and fades and we have...)
Curtain
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