by Lacey Legend
Since when did it become acceptable to apply her unaccredited social work skills to an ex-boyfriend? It wasn’t only unprofessional on her part, but if Leon hadn’t meant anything to her or if she knew she hadn’t been doing anything wrong, Spencer would’ve been the first person she’d have told about Leon’s insistence in reentering her life.
The fact that she refused to confide in Spencer suggested there was a degree of loyalty to Leon that Jenna knew was not warranted and therefore, she’d be unable to defend her feelings toward Leon if pushed on the matter.
Her best friend Kelly had warned her that no man in the early stages of dating would be thrilled to know their new partner had an ongoing relationship of sorts with an ex-partner, husband, or wife. Jenna didn’t need to be told this. It was why she’d deliberately avoided discussing the situation with anyone. For the most part, Jenna considered herself to be a decent person, but regarding her actions of late, she was beginning to question it.
With no desire to enjoy the company of her mother and sister, let alone discuss her private life for some guidance, Jenna remained hiding in her bedroom. Given how spectacularly badly the weekend had gone, Jenna wasn’t sure whether the kindest thing she could do was to call Spencer with an excuse of being ill and not feeling herself or deliver the news straight that she wasn’t right for Spencer as she didn’t match her ideals or share her vision.
Walking down the apartment block to the grassy playground, she sat on a worn swing. As she pushed the swing higher, she started to feel her head clear. When she’d discovered the photos of Spencer in a magazine, rather than rant and rave at him, she’d approached him as calmly as possible for an explanation.
She’d set precedence in their relationship by behaving like an adult over a prickly topic. There was no doubt in her mind that she owed Spencer an apology and an explanation, but that didn’t necessarily mean things had to degenerate into a hateful argument.
It was early, but having been his cleaner for some time, Jenna knew Spencer’s schedule.
Grimacing, she dialed his cell phone.
“Spencer Lawson, how can I help?”
“It’s me – Jenna!”
“Hi Jenna,” his voice was so polite and formal it frightened her.
“I was wondering if we might talk about the weekend.”
“I’m not sure there’s much to discuss, is there? You didn’t appear to want to speak to me all on the weekend.”
“I’m sure that’s how it appeared, but that wasn’t actually the case.”
“And let me guess, you want to spend next weekend with me in New York so we can talk over everything then.”
That hurt. Jenna knew her insecurities that Spencer was hiding her from the New York socialite scene was bugging her, but partying with him in public was not top on the list of her priorities.
“I don’t think this talk should wait to the weekend.”
“Where can I take you then?” Spencer sounded bored. Worse than that, he sounded indifferent. As if she was an obligation he had to tend to.
“I thought maybe I could take you out.”
That made Spencer sit up straighter at his desk. He couldn’t ever recall a woman asking to take him out. “What do you want to take me out for?”
“Because you deserve it for putting up with my outrageous behavior over the weekend. Because I’d like the opportunity to apologize and,” she paused, “there’s a few things happening in my life you may benefit from knowing.”
“I don’t know, Jenna. It’s a well-intentioned proposition and please don’t think I’m not appreciative of it, but you and I seem to be a lot of hard work together. I wonder if maybe we’re trying to force it. I’m not sure a relationship this early on should require this enormous amount of effort.”
The biting reality of his words had Jenna wanting to bawl on the spot.
“Of course. I forget your thirty-two and I’m twenty-one. You told me a while ago you weren’t into girls and preferred women. I haven’t behaved particularly maturely of late. Please accept my apology for the way I acted on the weekend. Portland was wonderful and so are you.”
Spencer wanted to harden his heart. Jenna was only twenty-one. When he was that age, he didn’t get it right every time. The difference was, when Spencer was that age he ran away from his problems. He didn’t bother facing them. He locked himself in his bedroom with his computer and went to work on the many projects that would one day make him a billionaire.
“Jenna. Out of respect for you having the common decency to ring me, I’d be happy to accept your offer to take me out. I believe there are certain things in life that should be done face-to-face and not over the phone.”
“Thank you, Spencer.”
Seeing Spencer’s ability to reassess his initial reaction to her, Jenna was keen to suggest they meet immediately. Fortunately, the filter on her brain prevented her from blurting out the words. If she wanted to demonstrate to Spencer she was mature and could be an adult, then she needed to show him she appreciated his working schedule a social life.
“When would be convenient in your schedule to meet up?”
Spencer could’ve cleared his schedule in a second, but feeling sorry for a young woman and wanting to pursue a relationship with her were two very different things. If he made it too soon he might be giving Jenna false hope. Leaving it a few days should communicate that the meeting was one of common courtesy, not romance.
“How are your classes on Wednesday? I could do lunch or predinner drinks before I go out if that suits.”
Hearing Spencer already had plans for Wednesday night (plans she wasn’t privy to) hurt her. Again, Jenna obsessed as to when the plan was made. Did he arrange them after dropping her off last night or had they been in place for some time? The thought of having drinks with Spencer and then watch him leave to meet up with another woman made Jenna physically ill.
“Wednesday lunch would be fine,” stammered Jenna.
“Where should I meet you?”
“There are some decent eateries near the campus if that’s not too far out of your way. We can walk from there till we find somewhere that tantalizes your taste buds.”
“Are there a lot of salad bars around there?” asked Spencer drily.
Jenna actually laughed, Spencer could almost hear the golden light that was Jenna.
“I’m sure there are, but I won’t lie. I’m might hungry after the weekend so I’m dying for some real meat. Honestly, I practically cleared the fridge out when I got home on Sunday.”
The easiness of her voice had Spencer on the verge of falling into easy ways and asking her straight out what happened over the weekend that made her incommunicable.
“That doesn’t surprise me,” he said shrewdly.
“So 12 pm on Wednesday?” confirmed Jenna, keen to finish the call on a positive note.
“12 pm on Wednesday. I’ll call you later so you can let me know exactly where we can meet.”
*
Jenna spent the most part of Monday with a spring in her step. The phone conversation with Spencer wasn’t ideal, but it hadn’t been catastrophic, either. The lack of gloom and doom in his voice encouraged Jenna that it wasn’t quite the time to throw in the towel in this relationship.
Jenna was back to babysitting Zada on the weeknights and though she already missed Spencer’s company, both physically or over the phone, it was nice to return to a modicum of routine in her life. What thrilled her most was that there weren’t any contact from Leon whatsoever. Perhaps now he had a job, he’d seen sense.
It wasn’t until Tuesday morning that Jenna’s world would collapse around her. Packing her bag for school, she was on the verge of leaving when Liana called and told her there was a letter addressed to her in the mail. Jenna could see straight away that the envelope was from the NYU admissions department. Confused, she dropped her bag and tore open the letter on the spot. Liana observed her sister closely as she read the letter. It was as if Jenna read through it two or thre
e times before she was finally able to comprehend its contents.
“What’s up?” asked Liana, seeing the color drain from her sister’s face.
Jenna collapsed on the couch. “There’s a problems with my fees.”
“A problem. What do you mean?”
“I mean I’ve got two terms left and my most recent check was cancelled. They’ve represented the check and the funds weren’t there.”
“What’s that mean?” Liana wasn’t sure why she asked the question, because she knew exactly what it meant - as did Jenna.
“It means Leon told his uncle not to pay my university fees. It means I have to self-fund or pull out.”
“You can’t pull out with only two terms to go,” said Liana, incredulously.
“But we don’t have the money to fund my fees, either. There’s no way our household earns enough to be considered by a bank for a loan to cover the costs and even if we were, I’d be spending more time working to meet the monthly payments than actually studying.”
Liana swore strongly. Jenna couldn’t be bothered to chastise her sister by reminding her of baby Zada’s presence.
“This is Leon, isn’t it?” inquired Liana.
“Yes, it is.”
“What are your options?”
“I need to go to the university first and see what they suggest and then formulate a plan from there.”
“Jen, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe he’d do this to you.”
“Neither can I,” concurred a wounded Jenna.
The news from the admissions office wasn’t positive. Jenna didn’t qualify for scholarships, nor financial help under extraordinary circumstances. She was able to put her studies on hold until she had the money to pay for her final two terms, but that was the only real option available. She sat on the campus grounds for hours, tears streaming down her cheeks, wondering what on earth she was going to do.
“You’ll do what your mother did,” she told herself, “you’ll get a job, work hard and make ends meet. Maybe you’ll have enough money to save up and get your degree one day, maybe you won’t, but you’ll conduct yourself as a decent, hardworking human being.”
It should’ve sounded like a pep talk to buzz her up, but the silent tears became sobs as she saw her dreams slipping away from her. She studied hard for this degree. She didn’t have Liana’s natural brains so she’d invested a lot of time and effort obtaining her admirable grades. She dreamed of helping kids like herself out of the circumstances they were born into, so they could have a dream and achieve it. The truth was, she was just another kid from the block that had the big dream she couldn’t make come true. She was a joke. She’d disappointed everyone.
Telling her mother the news would be the most heartbreaking. Jenna’s mother was infinitely proud of her daughter’s commitment to her studies and to have to walk away because of a lousy ex-boyfriend would break her heart.
Their lousy father walked out on them leaving Hannah a single mom. She’d done her best to raise independent daughters, but Jenna threw away her teenage years skipping school and getting up to all sorts of foolish things. Jenna fell in love with a charismatic, handsome, silver-tongued boy who t was more comfortable with a gun in his hand than a calculator or pen. Jenna was merely repeating the cycle her mother strove so hard to break.
There was no point in attending classes. Jenna headed home. Keen to avoid Liana, she spent the afternoon in the playground. Few children used the area, so Jenna didn’t feel or look out of place as she made use of the equipment.
“Remember when we used to play on here late at night?”
Jenna raised her head to see Leon. Wordlessly she jumped off the roundabout.
“Where you going, girl?”
She opened the gate and walked past him.
“Jenna, why you gotta be like this? Why are you fighting what’s natural?”
An anger Jenna had never known bubbled inside her. She wanted to slap his face, pound her fists on his chest, and scream at him.
“That’s what a girl would do,” she reminded herself. “A woman would keep her dignity intact and leave without making a scene.”
“You know I can make this right for us, babe? All you gotta do is give me one date. One date and I swear I’ll pay those fees up front for both terms the next day. One date and if it doesn’t work out, I’ll leave you alone. I’ll still pay the fees, but I won’t harass you. I promise you. I’m a man of my word.”
Jenna remembered Leon’s promise that when he was released from jail he would keep his distance from her so she could get on with her life. He’d not only broken that promise, but gone out of his way to destroy the future she’d been working so hard to provide for herself. It was on the tip of her tongue to remind him of that broken promise.
“He’s not worth the effort,” she reminded herself, before walking back to her apartment block.
Hannah was surprised to see her daughter lying listless on the couch when she came in from work past 11 pm.
“Where’s that handsome billionaire of yours?”
“He’s not mine, Mom.”
“You didn’t say much about the weekend. Not as compatible as you thought?”
“Mom, he’s a billionaire and I’m...well look at us – look at what we are.”
“He didn’t strike me as a man driven solely by money. I thought he was making a real effort in terms of our family.”
“He was.”
“Then what?”
“Mom, how would you define an independent woman?”
Hannah lifted her daughter’s feet and sat on the sofa. She was quiet for a while contemplating the answer. “I believe an independent woman is a woman who isn’t subject to another person’s authority. She’s free from control and free to make her own choices in life.”
“And she never relies on a man for money?”
“She never relies on a man for money, no,” agreed Hannah, “but she knows when to ask for a helping hand to achieve what she wants. She also knows the right helping hand to choose. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness or ineptitude, it actually demonstrates a woman with a realistic vision on how life works.
But never, ever ask for a helping hand if it means you losing your freedom, because then you become reliant on others and I don’t think that’s a good thing for any man or woman.” Her mother was silent for a minute, then asked, “Have you asked the billionaire for money?”
“No,” snapped Jenna indignantly.
“I imagine someone of his caliber would hate being used for money. You need to tread carefully there. He’s the type of man that will wine and dine you, but you need to show him your appreciation and I’m not talking about in the bedroom. Treat him with respect. Trust him. Involve him with your dreams. Otherwise he’ll feel used.”
“I have a feeling I got this whole feisty independent woman act completely muddled up and I think Spencer’s a casualty in my ignorance.”
“Spencer’s a big boy. I’m sure he can handle the mistakes of a twenty-one year old if he wants to.”
“And if he doesn’t want to.”
“Then he’s not the man for you. He’s handsome, polite, well spoken, his brown eyes are so caring, he’s effortlessly charming, and I can see how much you’d like him to be your knight in shining white armor. I’d love for him to rescue you from this apartment and give you the kind of surroundings where all your dreams come true, but sometimes life isn’t a fairytale. Sometimes we have to accept that just because we love with all our heart it doesn’t mean they’ll love us back with the same ferocity.”
“It doesn’t seem fair.”
“No. I loved your father. I loved him to the moon and back, but he never loved me the same way. Deep down I probably always knew that, but I kept hoping things would change. If we got married, he might love me more, if we had a baby he’d see me differently, if we had a family he’d want to be a part of it.
He should never have led me on to believe those things, but if I’d taken care r
ight when we started dating, I’d have noticed things that highlighted the differences in our feelings for one another. Perhaps I’d have made different choices. I wouldn’t be without you or Liana, but I wonder if I’d gone in with open eyes how our lives might’ve been different.”
“What’s the moral of that horrid fairytale?”
“The moral of the story is - don’t believe in the dream. Create it but don’t pretend it already exists.”
“I wanted to love him.”
“But now you’ve spent more time with Spencer, you realize you don’t?”
“No. Now I’ve spent more time with Spencer I realize I do. It’s just that I was playing at being a princess, pretending to be someone I’m not. I don’t know how he feels about me and he can’t possibly say how he feels about me because I’ve flitted between being Jenna and some independent princess that doesn’t need a man. I got frightened by how fairylike our tale started that I stopped acting naturally and tried acting in a way I thought he expected. He may never give me a second chance.”
Jenna waited for her mother to assure her that Spencer would certainly give her a second chance.
“Jenna, you can only be honest with him and be yourself. The choice is his, not yours.”
“I thought I was doing the right thing.”
“I’m sure he’ll take that into account. A man like him lives in a complicated world, maybe the reason he liked you was because you’ve always been simple, direct and straight to the point. No pretensions.”
“So there is still hope?”
“Jenna, no relationship can survive if there’s no trust. I can’t predict the outcome of your predicament. I’m a cleaner, not a fortune teller. It sounds clichéd, baby girl, but love hurts. I’m only your mother. I’ll cheer you on when you need it and pick up the pieces if you shatter and I’ll cross my fingers and hope you find true happiness with the right person.”
There was no point crying and no point telling her mom about the university fees dilemma. It could all wait until the morning, because whatever happened, Jenna knew her mother was right by her side and not going to abandon her under any circumstances and no matter how many silly mistakes she was prone to making in her youth.
