Hungry

by H. A. Swain

  “Yeah, well, Gaia has a funny way of picking and choosing the parts of nature that suit her best,” I blurt out.

  Enid’s mouth drops open and she grips the side of the toilet stall to steady herself. “You horrible, ungrateful person! After everything Gaia has done for you.”

  “You know,” I tell her, “a scratchy dress and two bowls of kudzu broth a day isn’t all there is in life.” Then I turn and walk out of the latrine.

  * * *

  I march away from the encampment, wondering how all of these people, including Basil, could be so blindly devoted to Gaia when she’s clearly a lunatic. I get that she started this place and that it might be better than what most people left behind, but there’s no real freedom here, as Gaia likes to claim. No one is thinking for him- or herself. This place is like a PlugIn or EA, except with kudzu instead of screens. They might as well all put their heads down and graze on the vine like one mighty flock of mindless sheep.

  The really sad thing is all One World would have to do is show people in the Loops videos of this existence, and they’d probably stop protesting and head on home. If that’s life without One World then no thanks, most of them would probably think. Of course, the protests could be over already. For all I know, Ahimsa may have won. I sigh. I hate not knowing what’s happening.

  When I get to the outskirts of the encampment, I decide to keep going even though the sun has begun to set, turning the sky pale pink with fuzzy, iridescent clouds. I don’t care, though. I’m not going back to my squad yet, so I search for the path that led me to Mr. Clemens’s cabin a few days ago. It takes me a while, but soon I find it. When I get near his place, I hear a loud snore then a grunt. “Hey, who’s there?” he calls from his chair on the porch.

  “It’s Apple,” I tell him. “Thalia Apple.”

  Mr. Clemens runs his fingers through his hair then smoothes his beard. “You came back.”

  “Yes,” I tell him from the bottom of the steps. “Is that okay?”

  He stares hard at me for a moment. “I don’t let just anybody up on my porch, you know.”

  “Oh,” I say, feeling chastised by his words. Looking down as I shuffle backward, I’m glad I hadn’t dragged Basil out here with me. But my nose tickles like I might cry because I can’t take another person being unkind to me today. “Sorry, I just really needed to talk to someone and…”

  “Well…” He shifts in his seat. “Seeing as you’re Hector’s kin I have a feeling I can trust you.”

  “You can!” I assure him.

  “Come on, then,” he says, waving me forward.

  I climb the steps, smiling with gratitude, then I lean against the porch rail like I did the other day. One side of his mouth turns up slightly as he squints at me.

  “Looks like something’s got your dander up, girlie.”

  I press my hands against my cheeks, still flushed scarlet with frustration. “Oh, you know,” I mumble. “Just trying to get used to things around here until I find a way out.”

  “Ha!” He pulls his pipe from his shirt pocket and taps out the contents.

  We sit silently, which makes me uncomfortable, so I ask, “Was all of this your family’s land once?”

  “Yep,” he grunts and clamps the stem of his pipe between his teeth. “For over two hundred years. We made it through droughts and rotting rains, locust swarms, and corporate takeovers. War and famine. Hell, even the kudzu couldn’t take us down.” He sucks on the empty pipe. “Until that woman came along.” He shakes his head. “She’s worse than all of that combined.”

  “That bad, huh?” I mutter.

  “You think I’m exaggerating?” He furrows his considerable brow. “Weather is just weather. It comes and goes and holds no grudges. Destroys your crops one year and lets them flourish the next. You just have to wait it out and let it pass. Same for pests. They’re mindless. It’s nothing personal. You can make a similar case for corporations. They might be like a swarm of hungry locusts trying to gobble up everything in the name of profit, but if you get lucky and keep off their radar, they’ll pass you by. Even with the kudzu, if you’re diligent, you can keep it at bay. But that woman…” He pokes at the air with his pipe. “She didn’t come here on a whim, and she’s not merely looking for profit. What she wants is far scarier.” He looks at me, the muscles in his jaw twitching.

  “What is it?”

  “Power!” he nearly spits. “Her appetite for it is insatiable. And she’ll use whatever means she can to get it.”

  “Why didn’t you kick her off when she first came?” I ask. “It’s your land.”

  He snorts. “Oh, believe me, I tried. Threatened to blow her to smithereens, but she’s armed to the teeth and dug in deeper than kudzu roots. At a certain point, there was nothing left for me to do but slink away like a half-dead cat looking for a hole to die in.”

  “You didn’t get far,” I say, not trying to be mean, but it’s true.

  He snorts another little laugh. “You can say that again. This is my old sugar shack. We tapped maples around here, but of course you’d know nothing about that.”

  “Does she know you’re here?”

  He thinks this over. “The real question is, does she care?” He sucks on the pipe for a moment then adds, “If she knows, she probably figures I can’t do her much harm. And she’s right. What am I going to do?” He sighs. “For a long time, I thought about picking up and starting over someplace else, but…” he trails off and shakes his head.

  “Why didn’t you?”

  “Well, now, that’s complicated … but I’ll tell you, if things were different, I know exactly where I’d head.” He glances at me sideways.

  “To the Loops?”

  “Hell, no! That’s just trading one evil for another.” He leans in closer to me. “There’s a place up north. In what used to be called Canada.” He stares out as if peering into a future he’ll never see. “The land is still fertile there. There’s wildlife. Nobody’s running the show. All you need are some seeds and a piece of land, and you’ll get by. Just like the first settlers way back when.”

  I stare at him, not sure if he’s serious or if it’s wishful thinking on his part.

  “It’s true,” he says, sensing my skepticism. “After the wars, my farm was a stop along the way for people who left the Loops and were heading for a better place. That’s how Gaia got here. I was still idealistic enough to think I’d get things up and running again so I welcomed the help at the time, but then slowly and surely, she took over. Moved herself into my house.” He stops as if it’s too painful to go on.

  “That beautiful place was your house?” I shake my head as I take in what he’s been reduced to. “I’m so sorry.”

  He nods. “Gaia’s like the kudzu. First, it’s one innocent-looking tendril inching toward you. You almost welcome it because it looks so sweet and harmless, and you talk yourself into believing it could even been good. Next thing you know, she’s got a stranglehold on you. The real problem is that most of the idiots who show up don’t figure that out until it’s too late. Except for one.” He studies me for a moment. “Smart girl like you can see straight through a charlatan like her, right?”

  “This place is no different than what I was fighting against in the Loops,” I say.

  “People finally catching on there, too?” he asks with a chuckle. “Took them long enough.”

  “There were protests, but all of that could be over by now.” I stare into the trees, trying to imagine a place where animals scamper about and the land is fertile and no one would be telling me what to do. “Do you think people are still up there? In Canada, I mean.”

  “Last I heard they were, but it’s been a while.” He takes a few puffs off his pipe and grins. “Why? You planning on taking a trip?”

  “Me?” I shake my head. “No, I have too much to finish at home. Soon as I can get out of here, I’m going back.”

  We sit together quietly for a few moments. I hate to leave, but I should go before it ge
ts too dark. I cross the porch and reach out for Mr. Clemens. “I’m truly sorry about all that she’s put you through. No one should have to endure that.”

  “Well,” he says, patting my hand. “Unfortunately most of the world has had to endure far worse or die trying.” He looks up at me with tired eyes that remind me of my grandmother when she talks about the wars. My chest aches because I miss her so much.

  “Maybe when I find a way home, you can join me. My grandmother would love to meet you, I’m sure.”

  Mr. Clemens guffaws. “An old coot like me in the Loops?” He laughs until he wheezes. “That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard, Thalia Apple. You’re a regular comedian. Besides, I have to protect what’s here.”

  I shake my head, strangely envious of how connected he must feel to this land. Then I say good-bye and start back on the path. When I’m near the pump, a hand reaches out of the dusk and yanks me to the side.

  “Hey!” I yell and ball my fist, ready to throw a punch. I expect to see Carrick or some other farm boy sent to drag me in the weeds, but I come face-to-face with Ella who’s shrinking away.

  “Don’t hit me!” she cries.

  “What are you doing?” I ask, dropping my fist.

  She looks side to side nervously then says so quietly that I have to strain to hear, “It’s not over.”

  “What’s not over?”

  “What you started,” she whispers.

  “With who? With my squad and Enid?”

  She shakes her head and looks around again. Then she leans very close to me and says directly in my ear, “Gaia doesn’t know who you are, but I do. The protests in the Loops are still going.”

  I grab tightly to her arm. “What are you talking about? How do you know this? Who told you to tell me that?” Like the butterfly I tried to touch, Ella darts away. I run after her, but she’s surprisingly fleet-footed for a pregnant girl and she must know paths out here that I can’t see, because she disappears into the foliage, leaving me standing alone and at a loss.

  * * *

  After what Mr. Clemens and Ella have told me tonight, it’s clear that my place is in the Loops fighting for change, not being stuck out here with a lunatic running the show. It also seems that my only hope of contacting my family or leaving anytime soon may lie with the doctor who’s coming tomorrow. Of course, I’m determined to take Basil with me, if I can ever find him. The first place I try is the machine shop, but the building is quiet and dark, so I move on.

  I make my way through the kudzu toward the hospital, which is also dark. When I come to the fork in the path that leads to Gaia’s house, I hear loud voices. I peer down and see a gathering of women under a weak light at the foot of her porch steps. Although it’s hard to tell, I’m fairly sure I see Reba’s red hair and Wren jabbing her hands in the air as she talks. Gaia stands at the top of the steps looking down at a woman I assume is Enid by the way she cowers. I shake my head in disgust.

  From there, I hurry to the opposite end of the encampment, where I go from bunkhouse to bunkhouse, asking if anyone knows where Basil sleeps. Door after door opens and closes, as strangers shake their heads no. Despite the small number of people who live on the Farm, I realize how isolated I’ve been in my squad. I recognize only the faces of girls from the lab and people in the dining hall, but I don’t know a single person’s name besides my coworkers’.

  Finally, at the sixth bunkhouse, when I ask for Basil, a short squat guy nods curtly and calls into the darkness. Basil comes to the door, yawning and bleary-eyed, sleepily rubbing his belly under his scratchy nightshirt. When he sees me, his face lights up with a smile.

  “Apple,” he says, happily. “What a nice surprise!”

  “I really need to talk to you,” I tell him. “Can you come outside with me?”

  “Sure.” He stretches his arms overhead, which lifts his shirt, revealing that line of hair from his belly button to the waistband of his pants riding low on his hips. The tattoo of the seed, which he seems to have forgotten, is still on his side, but I’m determined to make him remember what it stands for. So I step toward him and slide my hands around his waist, hugging him fiercely, trying hard to bring him back to me. He returns my embrace, then we walk, arms around one another to a spot beneath the trees at the edge of the clearing.

  “I’m so glad you came,” he tells me as we settle onto a fallen tree covered with a soft cushion of green. “Every night when I lie down I think, I’ll just sleep for ten minutes, then I’ll get up and go find Apple, but I’m always so exhausted. I never wake up until it’s morning again. But tonight, there you were at my door.” He pulls me close and kisses me.

  Although part of me wants to sink into him and stay right here until morning, I know there are more pressing things to do. “Listen, Basil. There’s something I have to tell you.” I lean away but keep his hands in mine. “I want you to know that I really listened to what you said a few days ago, and I’ve tried very hard to understand what you see in this place.…”

  “Good!” He squeezes my hands and beams. “So you get it now? You understand what’s so great about the Farm and why we’re lucky to be here?”

  I shake my head and wince under his disapproval, but I don’t let it stop me. “I’ve seen some things and learned some things that have convinced me this place isn’t what you think it is. And Gaia doesn’t have the answer.”

  He screws his face up with anger and pulls away from me.

  “She doesn’t,” I insist. “She’s not infallible the way you and the others make her out to be.”

  “I didn’t say she was infallible,” Basil argues. “But she has a vision for the future.…”

  “Ahimsa DuBoise has a vision for the future, but that doesn’t make it right.”

  He looks disgusted. “How could you ever, even for a minute, compare Gaia to Ahimsa DuBoise? I’ve defended you so many times here. People say, ‘Once a privy always a privy,’ but I’ve told them not you. That you would get it. It would just take time. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe at heart, you’ll always be a privileged little firstborn exec’s daughter who cares about nothing but her own well-being!”

  “You know what your problem is?” I jab my finger in his chest. “You latch on to people and blindly follow them when you think they have the answers. First Ana and now Gaia. Even if what they’re saying is crazy. You can’t just question authority when it’s convenient. You need to question it all the time.”

  “Like you did when you were driving around in your Smaurto, yapping on your Gizmo for the past seventeen years?” he says. “You only became a rebel a week ago when you met me and now you act like you have all the answers.”

  His words sting but I don’t stop. “Fine, I get it. I was a privy. I was a part of the problem. But you changed that for me. You opened my eyes and showed me how screwed up the Loops are. Now it’s my turn to do the same for you. You need to question what’s going on around here.”

  “I know exactly what’s going on around here,” he says with an arrogance that I find laughable.

  “Enlighten me, then. Because I can’t seem to figure out what stealing land and cutting kudzu and injecting girls and worshipping Mother Nature has to do with it.”

  “We’re preparing for the revolution, Apple,” he says, leaning close to my face. “Ana was too soft. She tried to make change from the inside, and look what it got her. She’s dead, just like my brother! But Gaia is prepared. She’s already built something that’s better than the alternative. Something that’s worth fighting for. And when the revolution comes, we’ll be ready.”

  “The revolution’s not coming here, Basil. No one outside of this farm knows who Gaia is or cares. The real revolution is happening without us. Back in the Loops. And I intend to get back there with or without you.”

  He stands. “Don’t say that unless you mean it.”

  I look up at him with my heart breaking. “I mean it, Basil. I really truly mean it. And I hope that you’ll come with me because I’m leaving a
s soon as I can.”

  Basil won’t listen to me for another moment. He turns and runs.

  I walk slowly from Basil’s bunkhouse to mine with tears running hot down my cheeks, wondering how there could be such a divide between us? It’s as if Gaia has figured out exactly what to say to a person like Basil so the Farm seems perfect and enchanting. If I could get him out from under that cloak of lies she’s woven, I’m certain he could see reason again. I just have to find a way to wake him from this stupor. But I know that’s not going to happen tonight. He’s too angry with me to listen. The only thing I can do now is go to bed and hope I can bring Basil to his senses by the time I convince the doctor to get me out of here.

  * * *

  I am on a kudzu leaf floating in a shallow pool. Concentric circles of water radiate out from me. Bobbing on each ripple of water are the people in my life who care about me the most. I see my mom, my dad, Grandma Apple and Papa Peter, Grandma Grace, Yaz, Fiyo, and AnonyGal whose face is obscured by shadow. I paddle in a circle, searching for Basil, certain that he has to be somewhere in this water, but I can’t find him. Then my leaf starts to rock. The water grows choppy. I brace myself and understand that I’m dreaming, but fearing I’m in another flood, I sit up grabbing for something solid.

  “Shhh,” someone says. Hands grab my shoulders and push me back.

  “What the hell!” I say.

  A face gets close to mine. “You have to get out of here,” a girl whispers.

  My eyes adjust to the dark. “Ella?” I say. “What’s going on? What are you doing?”

  “They’re coming for you. Gaia’s on a war path. Your whole squad went to her, saying you’re dangerous and you’re trying to sabotage the harvest.”

  “What a bunch of idiots,” I say and lie back down. “They’re full of crap and we both know it.”

  “You don’t have much time,” Ella says, yanking me up. “There’s no telling what Gaia will do when she’s like this. I’ve seen her lock people up for days or worse.” The fear in her eyes chills me and I sit up. She sweeps her hands around my floor and finds my sandals for me.