No Phule Like an Old Phule

by Robert Asprin

Dutifully, the hunters fell into single file behind Qual and crept forward through the tall alien vegetation. Now Qual carried a dim handlight of some sort-more for the hunters' convenience than for his own, it seemed. The little Zenobian's vision was evidently as good in the starlit night of his home world as theirs was in full daylight. Perhaps the sunglasses he habitually wore in bright sunlight were another consequence of his night-adapted vision.

  The party came into a moderately large clearing, perhaps twenty meters across. The sandy soil was soft and loosely packed here. "Look!" said Qual, shining his light on a depression in the ground. It was an enormous footprint.

  "Ghu almighty, what kind of critter made that?" said Asho. "It must be enormous..."

  "That is game we hunt," said Qual. "The mark is fresh, so we are very up close to it. It went that away." He pointed to the left.

  "How did somethin' that big walk past us and we didn't even hear it?" said Tay-Shun, falling in behind Qual, who had wordlessly begun to stalk in the direction the footprints pointed-they could now see that there were more of them.

  "Here's another footprint," O'Better whispered, turning back over his shoulder. He pointed down. "This mother's big-you boys got your guns ready?"

  "Sure do," said L. P. Asho, brandishing the Legion surplus weapon he'd gotten from Chocolate Harry's arsenal. "Who gets first shot?"

  "I dunno-I reckon we all oughta be ready, in case it charges. When we see it, we better spread out so's we all have a clear shot in case it charges or somethin'. If we get time to think about it, we can decide who's got the hammer then."

  "Good plan," whispered 0'Better. "Can anybody see anything? It's darker than the inside of a horse..."

  "SHHHH!" said Qual, turning around. "I sense the game just ahead," he whispered. "It is in a small clearing. I will turn out the light, and we will all step forward utterly quietly, or it may respond unpredictably. Everyone is to expand sideways, so we are having direct view before I turn on light."

  The hunters stepped forward into the clearing, suddenly aware despite the darkness of some huge living creature there in front of them. Asho held his stun ray at the ready, and to either side he could hear his friends moving into place. "Now!" whispered Qual, and turned his light on to a brighter beam.

  Asho stared upward, where the beast ought to be, startled at the sudden brightness in the clearing. Where was it? Had it heard them and escaped already?

  "What the hell..." said O'Better, expressing the puzzlement all of them felt. They swung their heads in all directions, looking for the huge creature that must be directly in front of them. "Where' s the critter?"

  "Down there!" said Qual, pointing. Sure enough, there on the floor of the clearing, directly in front of them, sat the creature they had been trailing. It was a stubby creature, more or less the size of a lounge chair. At first glance it looked like nothing so much as the enormous paw of some huge beast of prey, cut off just above the ankle. At the top, a pair of bulbous eyes on thin stalks swung toward the sudden light, staring at the hunters for just a moment. Then, before any of them could react, the huge appendage flexed its toes and bounded out of the clearing, too swiftly for any of them to get a shot off.

  "What the hell?" said Asho, making up in vehemence what he lacked in originality. "I never seen anything like that before. What was that thing?"

  Qual turned to them, and said, grinning toothily, "Didn't I tell you? It is just as I said: The game's a foot!"

  "Look here, Qual, this won't do at all," said Euston 0'Better. "We'd be pure and simple laughin' stocks if we showed up back home with that kind of thing as a trophy." The hunters had returned to the camp, and the three of them were sitting with the Zenobian around a small camp stove, warming up coffee for the humans.

  Qual grinned, showing his intimidating array of daggerlike teeth. "You did not explain this to me," he said. "What kind of game is it you search, then, if the snool is not it?"

  "Hell, dinos!" said L. P. Asho. "The big mothers--you know, like tranasaurs or brontosaurs. You got 'em here, don't you?"

  "Big mothers?" Qual looked puzzled. "My own mother is rather large, perhaps twenty centimeters taller than the average female, and proportionately weighty. But I do not think she would like being hunted..."

  "L. P's just usin' a figure of speech, is all," said O'Better, hastily. "He don't really want to shoot nobody's mother, do you now, L. P.?"

  "Well, I gotta think about that, Euston," said Asho, rubbing his chin. "Eddy Joe Hollub's mom was always real mean to me back when I was a kid..."

  "Har, har!" said O'Better. "L. P.'s full of jokes, ain't he? But seriously, Qual, a big hairy jumpin' foot's pretty unusual, but I don't think it's quite the kind of thing you can be proud of havin' shot, y'know? It don't make a very smart trophy."

  "I think not," said Qual. "The snool is a very stupid animal. It rarely knows whether it is coming or going..."

  Austen, Tay-Shun cut him off. "Nab, we don't want the animal to be smart-we want it to look impressive as a mounted trophy. You know, big and fierce, like that." Qual's eyes opened wider. "Big and fierce? Aha, why did you not say so? I can find you many such beasts."

  "All right," said Asho, setting his coffee cup loudly down on a flat stone. "Now we're cookin' with raw antimatter. What kind of critters are we talkin' about, and how soon can we get a shot at 'em?"

  "Oh, these are very large beasts," said Qual, his eyes rolling as if to suggest their magnitude. "They are bad tempered and always hungry. I do not know whether a wise sophont would go looking for them on purpose. The best way to deal with them is to be somewhere else."

  "Whoo-ee, that sure sounds nasty," said Asho. "Do they have big teeth, or claws, or somethin' else like that?"

  "Teeth, and claws, and horns, and a sharp, sharp barb on the tippy-tip of the tail," said Qual, putting his hands over his eyes. "I think you are very smart humans. Listen to me; you go hunt for these animals, maybe they get the smart idea to come hunting for humans instead. And if that happens, the beasts having all the fun."

  "Whoo-ee," said 0'Better. "I reckon we oughta stop and think about that one, boys."

  "I knew you would be smart humans," said Qual. "Now, I can find you nice safe things to hunt, like gryff..."

  "Damnit, we don't want safe!" bellowed Asho. "What are you boys, men or miffles? We come here for just two things, to get us some samples of Phule-Proof's new models and to hunt some big ol' critters."

  "Shh!" said 0'Better. "The boy here might tell somebody!"

  ""Shee-it, Euston, the boy ain't gonna tell nobody," said Asho. "He don't know anybody at Phule-Proof to go yappin' to. But he sure does sound like he can take us to some serious big game-I mean, fierce-lookin' critters with teeth and claws. I don't want to come home with nothin', but I don't want the folks back on Tejas to think I shot some poor old woman's milk cow, neither."

  Qual seemed to slump, and he said in a voice that, even through the translator, sounded subdued. "If you are so anxious to seek danger, then I will take you. But do not tell me I- did not give you all fair warnings."

  "Fair or not, I'm ready to roll," said Asho. "When do we go, and what do we need to take."

  "Tomorrow we go," said Qual, in what sounded like a doleful tone. "Bring your most powerful weapons. Get a good sleep-we leave at dawn. And if you have any business to settle, do it now. We seek the most dangerous beasts on Zenobia, and there is no promising that we will prevail."

  "Yee-hah!" hollered Asho, tossing his hat in the air. The other two hunters managed a smile, too, although they were a good bit less exuberant. As for Qual, he flashed his teeth-an expression that might mean almost any thing and vanished into the dark.

  17

  Journal #748

  Having spent as much time as I have in the employment of those who have acquired their fortunes in one form or another of commerce, I have learned at least - this much about how these somewhat enigmatic persons think: The average person looks at a deal, and asks, "What's in it for me?" The succe
ssful businessman asks, "What's in it for everybody?"

  It is the ability consistently to find a satisfactory answer to the latter question upon which the greatest fortunes are built. And that particular ability is one that Mr. Willard Phule, known to the Legion as Captain Jester, possessed in full measure.

  Doc ushered Lola and Ernie through the Fat Chance Casino's lobby, up the elevators to the executive office level, and into a conference room where Tullie Bascomb and Victor Phule sat waiting. "Good, good, glad you're here," said Tullie, indicating two chairs drawn up opposite his desk. "Thanks, Doc."

  "You're not the only one who's glad," said Lola, sinking into one of the chairs. "Your security chief got there just in time to save us from a fairly nasty experience. Which, by the way, is very much related to our problems with your buyout offer..."

  "Well, 1 suggest you wait until you hear what we're offering," said Bascomb. "Drinks?" He waved toward a nearby cart bearing several ornate bottles, an ice bucket, and assorted glassware.

  Ernie's mouth opened, then snapped shut as he saw the look on Lola's face. The elbow she dug into his rib made her meaning plain, just in case he'd missed it. "Uh, no thanks," he said.

  "All right, then, we'll get straight to business," said Bascomb, with a twinkle in his eye. He'd noticed the elbow. "I think the captain's come up with a plan that addresses your problems fairly directly," he continued.

  "He has?" Lola's brow furrowed. "What does he know about our problems, anyway?"

  "Well, you'll probably want to ask him that," said Bascomb. "All he told me is that he figured out what was going on when he debriefed a robot that used to work here."

  "A robot." Lola opened her mouth, then shut it again. After a moment's thought, she continued, "Well, that's certainly interesting. But maybe we should save that subject for later and find out what the captain's offering."

  "Good idea," said Bascomb. "As a matter of fact, he's decided to improve the original offer a good deal. We'll buyout your 'share' in the casino for $7.5 million. But instead of the annual royalty, he's offering-the two of you full-time paid executive positions with the Fat Chance; The salary is pretty generous, but not outrageous-and the job description ought to be right up your alley. Basically, the captain wants you two to supervise our cheat -detecting operation. He figures you know the scams as well as anybody-and we'd rather have you on our side than working against us."

  "I suppose we ought to take that as a compliment," said Lola. "If I were looking for a regular job, I guess it'd be as good as anything..."

  Bascomb smiled. "There's more, in case you hadn't guessed. Figure in complimentary lodgings and meals in the casino hotel, and-I think this might be of particular interest to you-complete access to all of our facilities and services, including security."

  "Security," mused Lola. "Now, that just might be something we can talk about. I was certainly impressed by the way Doc and his people took care of a little problem we ran into back at the hotel."

  "Nothing to it, Miss," said Doc, smiling broadly. "Just doing our job." He poured himself a glass of cold water from a pitcher on the bar cart and settled down to drink it in a soft chair facing Bascomb' s desk.

  "The offer would also include access to some of the best plastic surgeons and uh, image consultants, in the business-just in case you want to be a little bit harder to spot. And you might also like to know, we've managed to recall the photos that PR had sent out, before the stories were distributed-at least most of them. And we managed to tweak the few stories that did run to imply you were off to parts unknown to enjoy your winnings. The long and the short of it is, the captain thinks you're good at what you do, and he wants you on the Fat Chance team," said Tullie.

  "And as it happens, Mr. Phule agrees with his son."

  "That's right," said Victor Phule. "I must admit I'm not quite certain what it is old Ernie does, but he's clearly very good' at it. And Miss Lola is very sharp."

  "Thank you," said Lola, looking at Tullie Bascomb. "But you must realize, gentlemen, this is all very sudden. Could my client and I have some time to discuss it in private?"

  "Why, of course," said Bascomb. "If you'd like, we can arrange for a private dining room so you can discuss it over a meal. On the house, of course."

  "Thank you very much, but! think we'll be able to come to an answer with just a little walk around the block," said Lola. "We can celebrate with a meal if we decide to accept."

  "Sure," said Bascomb, nodding. "If you'd like, we can have a couple of security people keep' an eye on you-at a distance, of course."

  "Again, thanks but no thanks," said Lola. "We won't stray that far outside the casino. And unless I'm mistaken, the only people who had anything against us are already out of the game-at least, for the time. being."

  "All right, then," said Bascomb. "I'll be here when you're ready to talk."

  Lola and Ernie said nothing until they were all the way down to the bottom floor in the elevator and out the doors. There, Lola set off at a brisk pace, with Ernie struggling to catch up despite his longer legs. Finally, after they'd turned a comer and put the casino's front entrance out of sight, he said, "All right, what's the problem? Are we gonna take the bait or not?"

  "I don't know what other choice we have," said Lola. "Unless you want to head off for no place in particular and hope to stay one jump ahead of Mr. V and his boys. They're really going to be mad at us, now."

  "Yeah," said Ernie. "I don't want to be anywhere they can find me. Unless I've got more guns on my side than they do on theirs."

  "Which is exactly what's attractive about Phule's offer," said Lola. "We'd be stuck on a space station, where the company isn't necessarily my kind of people, and where we'd pretty much have to give up hustling and play by the books. And that could get dull after a few months. But with the Legion in charge of security, the Fat Chance has got more muscle than some small planets I've been on. The syndicate originally hired us to try to snatch Phule because they knew a direct attack wasn't going to work. Now, it looks as if an indirect attack's not going anywhere, either. So odds are we'd be safer here than anywhere else we can afford to get to, even if Mr. V and his boys know exactly where we are."

  Ernie walked silently for a few paces, then stopped, and said, "That all makes sense to me. So what are we waiting for?"

  "For one thing, to make sure it's what we really want," said Lola. "Are you ready to take a job, even a really good one with better pay than you'd ever make hustling? Are you ready to stay in one place for the rest of your life, even if it is a first-class resort hotel and casino?"

  Ernie grunted. "You make it sound pretty good." he said. "But is that the whole deal?"

  "What do you mean?" asked Lola.

  Ernie's expression was, for once in his life, dead serious. "I mean, are you gonna take the deal? Are you gonna stay here? Because if you're not, it don't appeal to me."

  Lola's eyes grew wide. "Good Ghu," she said. "If I didn't know better, I'd think that meant..."

  "Don't think," said Ernie. "Just let me know. Are you gonna take Phule's offer?" Lola reached out and took Ernie's hand. "You know, in spite of all the downsides to it, I think I just might" She smiled, and Ernie smiled back at her. Together they turned and walked to the Fat Chance Casino.

  Qual had guided the three hunters' all-terrain hovervan across a long stretch of semiarid country to the spot where the Zenobian claimed the most dangerous creatures of his planet could be found. In addition to the four passengers, the van was loaded down with weapons and ammunition, as well as various other supplies, purchased at Chocolate Harry's backdoor commissary.

  Finally, near midday, Qual pulled the van to a halt in the shade of a stand of Zenobian "trees" that, except for their orange coloration, bore a disturbingly close resemblance to giant stalks of asparagus-at least to the hunters, who had previous experience with asparagus. A native of the planet, like Qual, undoubtedly considered them just ordinary trees.

  "Here is our destination," said Qual. "The
re is a water hole just beyond that hill. The beasts we are hunting arouse themselves from slumber in the later afternoon and visit the water hole, then go hunting. Our notion is to set up an asylum near the water. From there the brave hunters can likely snipe at the unwitting beasts for quite some time before the inevitable raging counterattack."

  "Inevitable?" Euston O'Better scoffed. "These weapons we're toting may have something to say about that"

  "They may," said Qual, opening the van door and getting out He turned, and added, "Then again, the beasts may not be inclined to listen."

  A blast of superhot, desert-dry air greeted the hunters as they tumbled out behind their guide. "Whoo-eee!" said Austen Tay-Shun. "Whoever told us this was a desert world sure knew what he was talkin' about. How do these big critters live in this kind of heat all day?"

  "As I told you, they lie in a shady spot and slumber through the worst of the heat," said Qual. "Your visual organs will not detect one of them, this time of day. Indeed, if you detect one of them at all, this time of day, it will be through the unlucky accident of stumbling over it where it ..sleeps. You may have a brief period in which to regret your misfortune before you are devoured."

  "You're tryin' to scare us off, aren't you?" said L. P. Asho. He slapped the heavy weapon he had just unloaded from the hovervan's tailgate, and added, "Well, I guess it'd work with some folks. But here's somethin' you better remember-those folks ain't from Tejas!"

  "You're not in Tejas anymore," said Qual. "But we expend time to no end. Let us transport our supplies to the vicinity of the water hole." Each of them shouldered a heavy pack-they'd spent the morning loading them, under Qual's supervision-and headed toward a well-defined path through the asparagus trees. These gave enough shade to reduce the effect of the afternoon sun for a few moments, but soon the party was out in the open again, headed slightly downhill. Below them, the scrubby alien vegetation grew slightly thicker, betraying the presence of a source of water, although the water itself remained invisible from this distance.