Missing Lily

by Annette K. Larsen

  “Good morning.”

  I blinked, realizing his eyes were open and filled with concern. “I’m not sure good is the right word.”

  “Any morning with you is better than the alternative.”

  I smiled. “You shouldn’t torture yourself by sleeping upright on the floor.”

  “I’m no worse off,” he said, climbing to his feet. “You, however, I’m sure are breaking some sort of code for royal conduct.” He reached for my hands and pulled me to my feet, then led me down to breakfast.

  That day was a quiet one. I wanted to give him the chance to sort through his thoughts, so I kept close to him, but let silence fall much of the time.

  As I performed final preparations for removing myself to Ella’s house, exhaustion set in. Rhys found me standing over my trunk, fighting down my emotion.

  “Lylin.” He pulled me to his chest. “Talk to me.”

  I swallowed, my throat aching. “I’m so angry.”

  A pregnant pause ensued and I wondered if my response upset him. Finally he asked, “At me?”

  “Of course not.” Tears stung my eyes and my lungs heaved in relief. “I’m angry at him. Is that wrong? Because it feels wrong.”

  He sighed into my hair. “It’s not wrong at all. I’ve been angry with him for longer than I can remember. And I think I’ll be angry for a good while more.”

  “And that’s alright?”

  “For now, yes. It’s alright.”

  Chapter 27

  THE FOLLOWING WEEK was quite simply easier. I stopped trying to bite my tongue and keep a white-knuckled grip on my feelings. Rhys and I saw each other nearly every day, whether for several hours or only a few minutes. We actually courted, which was something that, as of yet, we’d never managed to do. Rhys talked about Tobias, telling me his good memories, though they were scarce. He also told me of some of their most heated arguments, about the few times their rivalry had brought them to blows.

  “I always won, of course, which didn’t help matters. But I couldn’t bring myself to let him win, and he was too passionate to do anything but use brute strength. That’s how he dealt with everything. He threw himself at it with all he had.”

  “That’s a volatile way to live,” I observed, and he nodded. “Strangely enough, I think there’s something to be admired about being able to commit everything you have to something. Of course, it doesn’t work in every situation.”

  “It has to be a commitment to the right something.”

  “Yes.”

  “A commitment to the right person.” He ran his thumb along my jaw and leaned in to kiss me, sending tingles down my back.

  “Yes,” I whispered, admiring his handsome face. His countenance was so filled with love that I had the urge to just be closer to him. I stood and tugged on his hand. “Will you dance with me?”

  His eyebrows shot up. “Dance with you?” he asked, allowing me to pull him to his feet.

  “What’s wrong? Afraid you’ll step on my toes?”

  He accepted my teasing challenge and led me in a dance around the room, despite the lack of music. He started out slow and simple, guiding me in and out of the streaks of sunlight slanting across the room, his chin resting against the side of my forehead. My heart lightened with each sway and turn. After a few minutes, he varied the tempo, turning the simple dance into a quick whirl around the room. I caught sight of Nathaniel peeking around the door with one eyebrow in a high arch. I smiled in return, and he gave me a wink before taking up his post outside the door.

  Rhys continued to spin, and I laughed as we narrowly avoided chairs and tables, tripping when he changed tempo once again. His hold on me was secure enough that my stumble didn’t interrupt our romp.

  “I’m sorry,” I laughed. “I’m afraid I am entirely unfamiliar with this dance.”

  He grinned down at me. “I’m surprised at you, Highness. Isn’t it your duty to be proficient in all the dances?” He twirled me three times in succession.

  “You’ve found me out. I’ve obviously been remiss in my education.”

  “I’ll have to add that to the list of things I must discuss with your parents.”

  “You have a list?”

  “Of course. I must air my grievances before we further our relationship. It’s only fair to give your parents a chance to correct your heathen ways.”

  “That sounds very serious. Tell me, what other complaints do you have?”

  “Oh, too many to count. Dreadful things like how your laugh is too lovely, and you have a horrid habit of making me smile. It’s quite inexcusable.” He slipped back into a slow dance, swaying on the spot.

  “Do you think you’ll be able to overlook all my grievous faults?” I asked as his swaying became more pronounced.

  “I suppose I could try.” He swayed so far to one side that I had to hang on to his arms to keep from tipping over as he paused for a long moment.

  I couldn’t help laughing. “Rhys,” I protested, and he pulled us upright again. “If I end up in a heap on the floor, I will have to add that to the list I keep of all your faults.”

  “Oh, you have your own list, do you?” He stepped us into a spiraling pattern and I had to hold on once more. “Do tell me what I might find on the list.”

  “For one, you’re much too good at dancing.”

  He started clomping clumsily about the floor to prove me wrong.

  “For another, you are horribly loyal. It’s a trait not to be borne, and I believe we must endeavor to beat it out of you.”

  “Hm. It seems I must speak with your parents about your penchant for violence as well.”

  “My penchant for violence?”

  “You just threatened to beat me.”

  “I would do nothing of the sort.” I managed to keep a straight face as I added, “I would have someone do it for me.”

  “You would hire a mercenary? What kind of company do you keep, Princess?”

  His look of mock astonishment made it impossible to come up with a witty reply, especially when he was still bounding around the room, performing the most left-footed, galumphing steps he could come up with.

  I realized at that moment that both of us were smiling. And they were real smiles—not forced, or strained, or trembling. Warmth filled me at the thought.

  He slowed our dance to a gentle sway, his eyes caressing my face. “Do you know we still haven’t been able to just go for a ride? Only the two of us?”

  I rested my head on his shoulder. “I guess I know what we’re doing tomorrow.”

  He chuckled.

  The following day, we set out on our ride and I made Rhys take me to all of his favorite spots on the estate. He pointed out a copse of trees where he and Tobias used to play at sword fighting.

  “We were quite young, perhaps seven and nine. He still acted like any child would. It wasn’t until later that he became angry.”

  Ever since our conversation about Tobias, and his tendency to use brute strength for everything, I had been looking for a moment to ask Rhys a question. I didn’t think I’d get a better opportunity.

  “Are you still concerned that you may have contributed to Tobias’s madness?”

  He pulled back. “Madness?”

  I shrugged. I had been using that word in all the conversations I’d had with myself over the past several weeks. “I don’t know how else to describe it.”

  “Hm.” He considered for a moment. “I’d never thought of that before. Perhaps it was a sort of madness.”

  “Does it still worry you?” I asked again. It was important to me that we discussed this one subject. I didn’t know why, but in my bones, I felt it was vital.

  He thought for several moments, then slowly, very slowly, shook his head. “I did what I thought was best. I don’t believe I was ever irrational in the way I reacted to him. And I can’t take responsibility for Tobias’s actions any more than I could expect someone to take responsibility for my own.” He fell silent, letting the air fill with the solid so
unds of the horses’ hooves as he thought. “I will always mourn the way Tobias chose to live, and especially the way he chose to die, but I won’t let it ruin my own life.” He turned to look at me. “He tried to take you away from me, but I’m not willing to give you up. I plan on spending a great deal of time with you.”

  I smiled, relieved beyond measure to hear his certainty. “I’m glad to hear it.”

  We were headed back to Ella’s house when he said, “I didn’t get to take you to my favorite spot today.”

  I opened my mouth to ask why in the world not, but he continued. “Shall we spend tomorrow afternoon on our hilltop?”

  Our hilltop. I readily agreed, feeling lighter, seeing that he acted lighter, less weighed down than I had since him since—I couldn’t remember when.

  That evening, he dined with me at Ella and Gavin’s estate. He and Gavin had only met briefly on a few occasions, but by the middle of our meal they were acting like lifelong friends. They did the majority of the talking, both becoming animated when they discovered a new interest or opinion they shared. They were both especially glad to find someone who despised being waited on constantly. Ella and I each sat back, entertained by their banter, often sneaking looks at one another with brows raised in surprise or furrowed in confusion. We both enjoyed seeing them engaged and enthusiastic. I could almost feel my chest swelling with contentment. This was what I wanted. This camaraderie with family. This peace. This man who laughed with Gavin one moment, then turned to kiss my hand and give me a smile the next. This was the life I wanted.

  ***

  I spent the morning attempting to hold my own in chess. I failed, but Rhys was such a patient and amusing tutor that I didn’t mind. When we finished lunch, it was time to head out for our afternoon on the hilltop. Rhys pulled me to my feet, but instead of leading me out of the room, he just looked down at me, his eyes softening as a smile lifted his mouth. He wound his hands around my waist and pulled me closer. My stomach trembled as his lips settled on mine. He kissed me lightly at first, probably intending a brief, affectionate exchange. Instead it kept building until we were embarrassingly wound up in each other. When my back bumped the table, I had the presence of mind to pull back.

  “Weren’t we going?”

  He cleared his throat and took a step back. “Yes,” he said, then added under his breath, “if we must.”

  I stifled a laugh as he hurried us from the room. We passed a footman who had been waiting outside the door. The smirk on his face as he kept his eyes on the ground made my face go red. He had likely tried to enter the dining hall while we had been distracted.

  We rode out in the open carriage, Giles and Rosamond accompanying us. Our talk was easy as we held onto our hats and enjoyed the sunshine. Reaching the hilltop, we wished Giles and Rosamond a good afternoon as they set off to find their own spot for a picnic.

  The food was wonderful, the day mild, and the company—I could be happy with Rhys’s company at any time, in any place.

  When I had had my fill, I lay back, content to just be.

  With my eyes closed, I focused on the sensation of sun and breeze on my skin. They were calming, reassuring, much like the warmth emanating from Rhys’s hand wrapped around mine. I wanted nothing more than to stay on this hill for as long as possible.

  Rhys shifted beside me and his shadow fell over my face. I opened my eyes, happy to see his smile hovering over me, his dark hair haloed in sunlight.

  “Do you remember our first picnic on this hill?”

  “How could I forget?” I reached up, curling my fingers through his hair and behind his ear.

  “It took all my self control not to kiss you that day.”

  “Is that when you tapped my nose? Like I was three years old?” I remembered that all too well.

  He grinned, shrugging one shoulder. “I had to do something to rein myself in.”

  “Was it really that hard?” I asked, propping myself up on my elbows. I expected him to move back, but instead he moved forward, catching me off guard as he pressed his lips to mine, kissing me slowly.

  He pulled back. “Yes,” he said.

  I opened my eyes and blinked. “Yes, what?”

  “Yes, it really was that hard to not kiss you last time we were here. When you laughed at my stories and called yourself Lily.”

  He sat back, allowing me to sit up the rest of the way.

  “Why?” The questioned slipped out on its own. “I was no one.”

  He smiled and squinted at me. “You were you. I think I knew even then, after only a couple days, that you were supposed to be part of my life—be part of me.”

  His words so touched me that it was with a fair bit of wonder that I asked, “Is that what I am?”

  “It is if you want it. If you would be willing, nothing would make me happier than to marry you, to truly make you a part of me.”

  I held my breath, my chest swelling in anticipation.

  “Princess Lylin.” He kissed my hand. “My Lily. Will you marry me?”

  He was kneeling there in front of me, looking just a little unsure, but so sincere in his question that I had to swallow the joy ready to burst out in ten different ways. Instead I pulled my skirts aside, kneeling just as he was, our knees almost touching, and took his hands.

  With a contentment I’d never felt before, I took in his soft eyes, his hopeful smile—all of him—and said, “Yes, yes, and yes.”

  He let out a breath, a grin splitting his face. “Good,” he said before leaning in to kiss me.

  Chapter 28

  I DRESSED IN a hurry the next morning, anxious to spend more time with my fiancé. I finished my morning ministrations and stood in the middle of my room, feeling that I was forgetting something, even though there really wasn’t anything to forget. Rhys would be coming to visit me today, and tomorrow we would return to the castle to see my parents. So why did I have the sensation that I was missing something?

  I looked over the little table and the desk, then shuffled through my other belongings, looking for anything that I might need to take. As a last resort I opened my trunk, expecting to find it empty, but instead finding a bundle of letters at the bottom. I pulled them out, recognizing them as all the letters I had written to Rhys since I met him. There were over twenty of them, though many could hardly be called letters. They were just a few scribbled sentences. Yet I had sealed each one with an impression of my lily ring set in wax. I had tossed them into my trunk when I’d left my home over a month ago. Missy had handled the rest of the packing, as well as the unpacking. She must not have known what to do with them and so had left them put away.

  I sat back on my heels, the bundle resting in my lap. It was quite a comprehensive record of my feelings since Rhys and I had become acquainted. They were brutally honest, about both my feelings for him and what I thought of myself. I had tossed them into my trunk in a moment of bold ambition, planning to share them with him after confessing my feelings.

  Looking back, I realized that I would have done just that if Tobias hadn’t interfered. So why not give them to him now? After all, they were written for him.

  I pushed my skirts aside and climbed to my feet, letters in hand, then crossed to the desk and pulled out the few letters I had written while staying with Rhys and recovering from the stitches in my side. These caused the most hesitance, but I put them with the others. I set them all on the desk where I could easily retrieve them once Rhys had arrived, then left my room. Those letters were part of me; a vulnerable, intimate part of me; a part of me that I wanted to share with Rhys.

  My morning was spent entertaining Guinevere while Ella went through Guin’s clothes to determine which had become too small. It still caught me off guard to see my sister sitting on the floor doing the sort of chores that had never been a part of our lives growing up. Yet, she was content. Could I be content with such a life? I believed I could. However, I was destined for another road, and I took comfort in the fact that though I might have been content, I
didn’t long for a life like Ella’s. I didn’t long to be queen either, but I was at peace with the idea.

  My mind came to a lurching halt.

  I would be queen, and Rhys had asked me to marry him, thus he would be king…did he realize that? I had mentioned my future as the kingdom’s monarch at the ball celebrating Heston’s birth. But had he thought of it since then? Had he considered the implications? I truly hoped that he had; otherwise we were going to embark on a rocky conversation when he arrived.

  Guin pulled on my hand, breaking into my disconcerting thoughts.

  It was nearly time for our midday meal when I caught a glimpse of Rhys’s black stallion trotting up to the house.

  I knew the proper thing to do was to wait inside; instead I ran out to meet him as he brought Joe to a halt. I stood back only long enough to allow him to dismount, a broad grin adorning his face. Then I eagerly stepped into his arms.

  “Are you well, love?” he asked.

  “Very well now that you’re here.”

  We entered the house, our hands entwined, though I had to let go so that he could discard his riding cloak. We joined Ella and Gavin in the dining room, and I enjoyed the meal as much as I could while being preoccupied with letters and the crown.

  “Well,” Gavin said. “I’ll be working in the gardens.” He put a hand on the back of Ella’s chair and leaned toward her with a grin. “Will you be joining me?”

  “Yes,” she said with a laugh, and he gave her a quick kiss. “Just let me put Guinevere down for a nap and I’ll follow you out.”

  “Very good,” he said as he kissed Guin’s head. “Sweet dreams, dear girl.” He gave us all a smile and left the room, the sound of his whistling echoing back to us as he crossed the entry hall.

  “Please make yourselves at home,” Ella invited as she gathered Guin and headed upstairs.

  Rhys offered me a hand. “Shall we?”

  He pulled me to my feet and out of the dining room. As we passed the staircase I excused myself, climbing to my room to retrieve my letters. I took a deep breath for a bit of extra courage, then held them tight to my chest and went down to meet him.