My Undead Heart

by Kacey Shea

  “Smile, Kitten. You’ve got everything you’ve always wanted,” Jared says and he’s right. Project X debuted as one of the highest grossing games of all time. It was on every hot buy and must-have list for the holiday rush. Everyone at EverSoft received generous bonuses, and I even got a raise after rumors our competitor was looking to poach me from the company. There’s no way I would have left. I’ve been with EverSoft since starting out after college. I’m literally working my dream job. But still . . .

  There’s something missing. If I’m honest, that something is a two hundred and twenty pound wall of muscle. I miss his smile. I miss his laugh. And of course, I miss the way he made love to me. It was love, it had to be, because nothing before him ever came close to comparison. But I can’t be with someone like him. Someone who has a temper and strikes out at his own father. That alone scared me enough to realize as much as I might love Matt, he’s not the man for me. And if Matt’s not it, I doubt there is a man out there.

  “God, she’s doing it again.” Rae sighs and her frown in back.

  “What?” I glance around, not sure what she means.

  “Are you okay, Mia?” Jared’s stare matches his sister’s concern.

  “I’m fine. Sorry, my mind was somewhere else.”

  Jared’s brows rise and he pins me with his judgment. “More like on someone else. Mia, when are you going to suck it up and call him?”

  I shake my head. “I’m not going to do that.”

  Rae reaches across the booth to hold my hand. “I don’t understand. What went so wrong that you can’t figure it out?”

  Jared nods, his smile still missing. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I miss happy Mia.”

  I never told either of them exactly what happened. I didn’t want their opinion. It didn’t matter. I know myself and what I’m not able to handle. “I don’t want to talk about it, okay? I’m moving on. In my own time. Let me have that.”

  Jared’s jaw works back and forth a few times. He points and shakes his head. “Fine. But don’t bring that glum mug to our party. I mean it!”

  I roll my eyes and laugh. “I’m not going to paste on a fake smile just because you’re having a shindig.”

  “At least dress sexy. You can make the mean girl look work.”

  “Thanks, I think.” I chuckle, glad he’s letting this go.

  Jared’s smile is wide. “Mother knows best.”

  “Logan’s coming?” I say because I can’t remember exactly when he gets back from spending Christmas in Cancun with his family. Apparently the non-lawyer’s family is loaded and still affords their grown children family vacations.

  “Oh, yes he is.” Jared’s eyes grow wide with his smile. “With his hot and totally straight younger brother.” I know what he’s implying and it’s annoying as hell.

  My lips pull with a forced smile. “He in the lucrative legal business as well?”

  “No.” Jared laughs, but then drops his voice as if his next words hold the value of an inside stock tip. “He’s a vet, actually. And recently divorced.”

  “Yay me.” I clap my hands and glare.

  Jared shakes his head. “Play nice, Kitten. He’s fragile. Save your super bitch for us.”

  Saved by the intrusion of hot food, our conversation turns to matters not related to my personal life, and for that I’m most thankful. I might not be excited about much these days, but I can’t deny this dinner with friends is exactly what I need. I will get over Matt Haywood even if my heart will never be the same.

  This party was a mistake. I hate everything about it from the gold and silver theme—I dressed in all black—to the drunk and happy people. I especially hate people right now. I’m not a warm and bubbly person, not ever, and it’s taking everything I am to not run home and exchange my dress for comfy sweats. If it weren’t for Jared and Rae I would already be gone, but instead I’m attempting to suck it up.

  Or go unnoticed. With my own personal bottle of wine, I’ve commandeered a corner of their fire escape to watch the city down below. Sure, I have to tolerate a smoker or two, but everyone’s either ignored me or I’m doing a stellar job becoming one with the side of the building. I don’t love being left alone with my thoughts, but it’s better than being subjected to the mostly top hits of the 90’s playlist their DJ is pumping. Also, I have a feeling Jared’s determined to pair me up with Logan’s younger brother and I want nothing to do with that.

  Laughter, shouts, and music pour out into the night as I’m joined by another smoker. Holding as still as possible, I’m once again unnoticed.

  “Hiding from the party?”

  Damn it. I lift my chin and am met by the most startling pair of blue eyes. They’re so blue, I almost wonder if they’re contacts, and they’re attached to a very attractive, well-dressed man. Must be one of Rae’s co-workers. I’ve never seen him before.

  “No.” His lips pull up with a half smirk as if he knows I’m lying. “Maybe.” I shrug and when he doesn’t look away I finally admit, “Yeah.”

  “Good. Me, too.” His smile drops with a deep exhale and without asking for permission he takes a seat against the wall right next to me.

  “People just exhaust me sometimes. Nothing personal,” I say, hoping he’ll take the hint that I’m not in the mood for company.

  “I get it. I’d rather spend my night with my dog.” He grins and rustles in his coat pocket for what I assume is a cigarette, but instead he produces a flask. He holds it up to offer me some, but I hold up my wine bottle. He laughs before taking a swig. “Cheers.”

  “Dog, huh? I’m more of a cat lady.” I tip my bottle up to drink. I’m not even using a cup and have no shame in the matter. “I’m the crazy cat lady your mother always warned you about,” I say more to myself than him.

  “I’m Ben.” He turns to meet my gaze with those wickedly gorgeous eyes again.

  I reach my hand out and we shake. He leans back against the brick wall and stares out into the night. I like that he’s not hitting on me. There’s something in him that I find comfortable and easy. As if somehow I already know we’re destined to be friends. It’s that or the copious amount of wine I’ve already consumed that propels me to strike up a conversation. “How did you get dragged, I mean, invited to this lovely party?”

  “My brother, actually. He thought it would be good for me to get out.” He huffs out a breath.

  I nod. “People over pets.”

  He grins and nods. “Precisely. He’s pretty serious with the guy who lives here.”

  “Wait! Your brother is dating Jared?” Surprise and a little laughter escape my lips. How fucking great is that? The man I’ve been trying to avoid all night has also been avoiding me!

  “Yep.” He quirks his brow and I laugh again. “I’m sorry, what’s so funny?”

  “Nothing. No, something. It’s that Jared is my best friend. I’m Mia.”

  Understanding dawns on his features. “Mia who is recently single and available?”

  “The one and only. You’d be Ben, recently divorced and single?”

  He nods his confirmation, gives a rue chuckle and shakes his hair so that the longer strands fall forward over his forehead. “That is funny. I guess we’re quite the pair.” He turns to me with those wide baby blues. “Not that I want to pair up or anything!”

  “I get it. It’s all good. Maybe we can be friends? Even if it’s just to avoid the obnoxiously happy couples at the party tonight?”

  “I’d like that.”

  We spend the next hour chatting and I have to say, I’m having a good time. The best I’ve had since Matt Haywood destroyed my faith in good men. In another time and space, I might even ask Ben to spend the night, but given that my heart still belongs to a certain someone, I’m not at liberty to offer any of it to someone else.

  My stomach rumbles because I haven’t had anything more than wine. “Do you want to head inside and get something to eat? I’m starving,” I ask.

  “Yeah, let’s do it.” Be
n pushes off the ground first and reaches a hand out to help me stand. His lips tick up with the trace of a smirk but it only reminds me how Matt’s smile filled his face. How his laughter practically exploded from the pit of his stomach.

  “Everything okay?”

  “Fine. Why do you ask?” I brush the wrinkles from my dress and tug down my coat.

  Ben waits until I lift my gaze. “You just looked really sad. If you need space . . .”

  “No. That’s not it,” I lie.

  His lips pull into a tight smile and he nods. “Hey, I get it. I do. Every little thing reminds you of him. The good. The bad. It’s okay to be sad.”

  I take a gulp of air and blink to keep my eyes from watering. “I’m tired of being sad.”

  Ben nods and I know he just gets it. I don’t have to explain or defend. “I wish it were that easy.” He pulls open the window and holds the curtains back. “Come on, I saw there were seven different cheeses. I’m not sure how anyone can not be happy with that much cheese in their life.”

  “Yes! Now we’re talking.” Mustering a smile, I pass by him.

  We sneak back inside and rejoin the party. The music’s pumping and several people sing along to “Kiss” by Prince. I follow Ben to the kitchen but when I glance to my right I’m stopped in my tracks. The television screen that fills one wall of the living room shows an up-close video of Matt entering a crowded arena.

  He looks so different I almost don’t recognize him. The beard is gone. He’s completely clean shaven and his hair is cut so short the sides must have been trimmed with a razor blade. Fuck me, he still looks good. The camera pans wide and there’s his fighter, Xavier, at his side. The shot cuts to two announcers. Matt’s name comes up on the screen and I can’t take it anymore.

  “Shhh . . . Shhh! Everyone shut up!” I dart toward the TV.

  “The girl who never loved sports is suddenly an MMA fan? What’d I miss?” Rae’s stupid friend Violet laughs and I really would love to take the skills Matt taught me and punch her in the boob, but I don’t want to miss this.

  I can’t believe it’s him. I can’t believe he cut his hair. I’m frantic as they flash back to what must be old film clips from his fighting days. “Turn it up! That’s Matt!” I shout to no one but myself.

  Jared’s already cut the music. He presses buttons on the remote to raise the volume over the party’s chatter. It’s Matt. Old footage from his fighting days but new stuff too, from last night’s weigh-in with Xavier.

  “This is one of the most anticipated fights of the evening, folks. Defending champ Cesar Hernandez in the lightweight division will be taking on newcomer Xavier Johnson from Chicago, Illinois. Now, this kid is young, but he’s hungry. And training under former UFC champion Matt Haywood, he comes with high expectations.”

  “Yes, Dave. Not only that, but heavy skepticism. If you remember Matt Haywood, then you remember his fall from grace not even two years ago. Tonight’s match-up isn’t only about him proving his coaching skills, but also reclaiming some of the dignity that was torn from him the last time he was here in the UFC octagon.”

  “That’s right, Larry. Matt Haywood lost his title to Suarez, at the time an underrated twenty-year-old kid from South America. Victor Suarez claimed the UFC championship with what many call one of the bloodiest match-ups in UFC history. Then came the aftermath. The shocking revelation that Matt’s own father bet against him and won half a million in the process had many fans questioning whether Matt intentionally threw the fight.”

  “I wonder that myself, Dave, but watching him sustain a head injury that put him from the cage for good, I find it hard to believe he would go to such lengths.”

  “I know I wouldn’t do that for my own father. Hell, I wouldn’t take one punch for the bastard.”

  “Also, adding fuel to the speculation about Haywood’s childhood were his hefty donations to domestic violence shelters in his hometown of Chicago. Though Haywood never confirmed rumors about his own mother, you have to wonder what kind of abuse he experienced first-hand before making his way into the UFC.”

  “That’s right. Haywood’s been a huge advocate of self-defense, too. His training facility, South Side Gym, and the same place he’s training up and coming fighters like Xavier Johnson, also offers free weekly clinics for women.”

  Their commentary collides with the voices around me, but I zone it all out to focus on my Matt. No, not my Matt. Just Matt. He looks good. Better than good really, and my stomach bubbles with nervous energy when they pan off to another story about his fighter, Xavier.

  “Another striking coincidence between the two fighters. Not only were they raised by single mothers, but recently Xavier Johnson’s mother was diagnosed with a rare form of bone cancer. As we all remember, Matt Haywood’s mother passed away from breast cancer a year after he claimed his UFC title. Not only did Matt dedicate his title fight, and every fight after that to her memory, but when I spoke with Xavier Johnson last night, he too says he is fighting for his mother tonight.”

  “That’s an endearing story, Larry, and we all send out our thoughts and prayers to Mrs. Johnson this evening.”

  “You okay? You want to sit down?” Rae touches my arm but I shake my head.

  “Here.” She slides a bottle into my hands. “At least drink this. You’re starting to freak me out.”

  “Thank you,” I mumble and bring the cool liquid to my lips. I can’t wrap my head around the information because I can’t believe Matt never shared that with me. His own father bet against him. That’s why he was so horrible to him. That’s why he didn’t care. Matt wasn’t broken at all. He was burned by his own blood. He’s good at being alone because that’s what he’s been doing all long. My heart sinks a little more because I’m the one who shut him out. Told him to leave me alone, and when he tried to apologize I didn’t give him the chance.

  “Rae?” I ask, my eyes still trained on the screen. They’ve moved on from Matt’s story and are now discussing the first match-up of the night while panning the arena as it continues to fill with people. A brilliant plan is forming in the back of my mind, my pulse speeding with both the excitement and promise that it might actually work.

  “What’s up, Mia?”

  “Do you still talk to that artist?”

  “Mia, really? Half of my friends are artists.” She laughs and eyes me closely. “You sure you’re feeling okay?”

  “The eccentric millionaire.” I can’t remember his name, but I remember he inherited half a gold mine. A literal gold mine. Yes, this is perfect. Really, if I can pull this off . . . I drop my voice and spin to meet her concerned stare. “The one you slept with.”

  She blinks once and I can tell she’s trying to be patient with me. “Alexander, yes. We speak on occasion . . . and hook up every blue moon, too.”

  “Good. You’ve got leverage, then!” My heart pounds so loudly in my chest that I’m surprised it doesn’t jump right out.

  “Why do you look as if you’re about to propose an evil plan, and why do I get the feeling I’m about to agree to it?” Her worries add creases to her frown, but this is Rae and if anyone will be able to make this happen, it’s her.

  “He has that private jet, right?”

  She nods and shrugs. “Well, it’s a shared service, but yeah.”

  I grab her hands in mine. “Can he take us somewhere? Tonight?”

  “Where . . .” she asks, her voice trailing as my gaze drifts back to the television screen. “Ah, right. So, you want to take an impromptu girls trip. To Vegas? Tonight?”

  “It’s crazy, right? And probably not even possible.” I shove my hands through my hair and bite the inside of my cheek. It is crazy. I’m acting crazy. What’s worse is I don’t even care.

  Rae pulls her phone out and taps the screen a few times before holding it to her ear. “Alexander.” She pauses and giggles before pinning me with a look that says I owe her my end of year bonus. I nod for her to pull the trigger. “Listen, Alexander, I’m actually
calling for a favor. How likely is it for you to get me and my friend to Las Vegas before morning?” She nods and throws in a few uh-huhs before finally ending the call. Her face is drawn with what I surmise is defeat and my own disappointment seeps into my thoughts. It was an outrageous plan to begin with.

  “Hey, you tried, and I love you for that,” I say and it’s then her lips lift.

  “I hope you don’t mind borrowing clothes because a town car will be downstairs in twenty and we’re headed straight to the tarmac.” Her grin takes over her entire face.

  “You’re kidding!” I almost shout.

  “I am not! And you better not back down now because I’m probably gonna have to fuck him for the favor.” She rolls her eyes.

  “I thought you said you already did that with him.”

  “Meh, I was a free agent for tonight, but now . . .”

  “No such thing as a free ride.” I’m almost bouncing on the balls of my toes and I don’t do giddy. At least not until now. Must be the nerves. Anticipation. The thrill of seeking out Matt and telling him I understand. That I love him, too. “Shit! We need to pack!” I grab Rae’s hand and drag her toward her bedroom.

  “Who are you and what have you done with my friend?” She laughs and shakes her head as we rush inside her closet. She watches me with further suspicion as I shuffle through her collection of dresses and evening wear.

  “I’m no good at this!” My shoulders slump as I ask her for one more favor. “I need to get him back, Rae. I need an outfit like that. Work your fairy godmother magic?”

  Her grin pulls wide, “I thought you’d never ask.”

  Tonight’s the night. Just another fight for many, but this is the first time Xavier Johnson competes in a UFC octagon, and my first time as a UFC coach. New Year’s Eve in Vegas, no less! To say he’s nervous and anxious is an understatement. Since we arrived last week the kid hasn’t smiled once, and it has nothing to do with his mom’s recovery. She’s here with him, doing well and enjoying a short break in her treatment to come watch her son realize his dream.